Complete random time waster...aka:ish I do at work during a holiday week

If you haven't already, take a look.

Hell, submit a few of your own and then let me know so I can feel some sort of personal connection to the sites.


Awkward Family Photos
Sketchy Santas
People of Walmart

Merry Christmas!

Times are good, mimosas have been the beverage of choice at work today and I'm off to spend time with my family.

I wonder why and what it is that makes me go thru the funky times becuase as quickly as this last one crept up on me it has gone bye bye.  I'm not complaining, that is a good thing.

I think I find some peace from letting go of this almost constant stuggle I have trying to do what I'm suppose to do or what logically is the "right thing" in my life. Currenly with my love semi love what the eff am I doing life.  When I decide that it is OK to not necessarily make the most logical decision and give myself permission to ride things out and just live in the now with what makes me happy I feel oh so much better.  Internal battles suck big holiday cheese balls.

I've been fortunate to have some decent communication with the Ex. so I know for the time being he's safe and at his final destination.  I remind myself that he is in a better situation than a lot of the soldiers and trust in his skills and blessings from God to allow him to save lives and take care of them.

Merry Christmas to everyone, wishing holiday blessings and special prayers out to our heros and their families.

Wow.

I don't really know how to process this.

We aren't together anymore, but we haven't really let go either.  The man still has a hold on my heart.

The time came, he is gone.... deployment is here.

Received email this morning with as much of an update as he can give, and tells me from his heart that I am still his girl.

I offer my prayers and love and suport and have no idea what this really means.

Suck.

And now the goodie gumdrops stuff!

And being predictable I'm compelled to talk about the good stuff and things I'm feeling super duper (yeah I said super duper) good about.


Condo shopping

My agent is putting together the paperwork for an offer on a condo. It is a short sale so is going to take some time but there is no financial barrier to me taking my offer off the table at any time. In the mean time we'll keep our eyes peeled for anything that I like better. I'm in no rush, my first home purchase isn't going to be perfect, but it's perfect if the price is right!


This....

and this.....

And after way to many of the above.. I mean, that was cookie monster and not me... I'm glad that I have been consistently in the gym. Not making any big progress but at least enough to burn off what I've been shoving in my face.

My family is mending

Thanksgiving was such a great gathering and we had so much fun! It reminds me of old times (like 4 years ago old times). I was so worried that we would be broken forever and that just wasn't the case. Ten golf umbrellas, three broken thermometers and a bagillion of the best Irish Coffees later we had delish deep friend turkey and all the trimmings.

I kind of skipped town for Christmas last year because I couldn't stand the thought of another horrible downer dripping with loss and grief holiday. I went with my boyfriend to meet his family and celebrate with them and it was awesome. A family that was full of love and cheer and laughter. I was craving that and missing that in my own family.

We're BACK! I can't wait to get back with them for Christmas next week. We are also adding in my uncle's family this year so it will be a big gathering for us. I'm in charge of Christmas Eve dinner for 16! Bring it on... . Christmas Vacation, A Christmas Story, Wii bowling, more of the best Irish Coffees in the world. Mmmmm, mmmm, mmmmm. Good times. Now if my Granny could only remember what she did with the boxes that I had delivered to her house on Saturday it will be perfect. *sigh*

Friends Stuff

I have lots coming up before I leave too. The celebration of one of my BFF's birf day on Saturday, more cookie and holiday goodie baking on Sunday. I'm taking my friend's 13 year old daughter under my wing and showing her how it's done... cookies from scratch. This will be her first scratch baking experience.

And I'm glad that I still manage to peek thru the tough emotional times and appreciate all that I do have.

Oh and Rudolph

You have to check out this hilarious take on the classic Rudolph.  It my favorite from childhood and this blogger's view point seeing it for the first time as an adult is awesome.


Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year to everyone!!!

Ehh...whatever

Notes to self

NTS#1:   When you are feeling like this, big time indicator you need to go to the counselor for a tune up

NTS #2:   Realizing that the counselor is going to be more than the "grief" counselor you previously sought out.  As the layers of ick peel back I'm realizing that there are more issues at work here than just the grief.  Kind of like the grief opened up pandora's box.   I'd rather get this figured out now so I can grow.  Don't feel bad little self, they aren't major just the little things and behaviors you have learned over the years that may now be limiting you.

NTS#3 Stop beating yourself up so damn much! Good lawd, nobody expects you to be perfect. They accept you and your warts, why can't you accep them yourself?  What good does it do to keep making yourself feel bad over things that nobody else even cares about?  Get over it, live your life and enjoy it already.

NTS#4:  You were already aware that this was going to be a process and that in the process there would be good patches and bad.   Remember when the bad patches come that they will go away and don't forget that they are getting shorter and shorter in length, fewer and further between and all that good progress stuff.

NTS#5:  It all worked out OK for Bridget Jones in the end, so don't worry.

I won the Boobie Prize, literaly - Mammogram Part II

Probably more than anyone wanted to know but I'm posting just in case the journey to getting my baseline mammogram might take some of the fear and mystery out of it for another woman.

I had my first mammogram last month. Again, typically not done at my age but I now have a "family history" so I start early.

I received a letter in the mail from the Breast Center stating that the radiologist would like to get some additional images. This wasn't scary, I had been told that in about 10% of mammograms (and more so in baseline images and in younger women who have dense breasts) they ask for additional images to check things out.

See all that white... it hides images of tumors.  (FYI not my boob)

I went in for my follow up yesterday. They told me it was only the right side and I asked so the tech showed me what my images looked like and the area that was in question. My breast tissue is asymmetrical, I have more dense and glandular tissue in the right side and there were areas of interest that they wanted to flatten out more and see if they could image all the way thru to make sure it wasn't hiding anything. Cool. I understand that. Better safe than sorry. These spot images placed a little more pressure on da boobie than the first mammogram did. Still nothing I would call painful.

Different than the first time, they take the images into the radiologist while you wait to make sure they have all the images they want. So I wait. I'm cold sitting in my little hospital cape thing. I'm also wondering why there are two women sitting there in nice plush robes and I only got a cape.... boy, they must have some mighty fine insurance!

I get called in for some MORE images. This time they want to "roll" the breast and get some different angles and the tech says "Dr. S indicated that she will most likely also send you for an ultrasound" Hmmmm. This is turning out to be more testing than I thought. What does she see that she wants to hit it with an ultra sound? Is the tech just being polite in assuring me this is all fairly standard with masses of dense tissue like I'm sporting in my right boobie.

Off I go to ultrasound. That was downright pleasant... low lighting, lying on a comfy bed, the soft hummmmm of the machine. Oh, wait, now there is a strange woman massaging warm gel all over my breast. Eh, whatever.

When the tech leaves to go take the images to the radiologist I look over at the screen. WTF is that big black void in the middle of the image and why did she take so many pictures of it? Don't get worked up, she say with a smile on her face, "Well that was a lot of work for nothing".

See the cyst?  (again, not mine)

The radiologist comes in to explain everything to me. That big black void (or more correctly it was two different black holes) are fluid filled cysts. Those are totally inconsequential. Everything looked OK. They didn't see anything that looked like a tumor hiding in all that dense tissues HOWEVER the protocol is that I now get mammograms every freakin 6 months for the next two years. Looks benign, acts benign, will be considered benign and that's what they do to establish my "normal".

Basically, I feel like I literally won the Boobie Prize for the day.

No worries and if that's what I have to do to establish a good baseline image then so be it but I can't say the longer it went on and the more tests I had to do that I wasn't praying in between.

So I'll still shout from the rooftops...when the time comes... LADIES GO GET YOUR MAMMOGRAMS!

Pups missing daddy...videos you have to see

Oh my goodness, these are some sweet reunions.  

Check out more of the videos of service members reuniting with their pups here.

Blessed & Thankful

I had an early start to Thanksgiving on Sunday. One of my mom's dear friends invited me over to have Sunday/early Thanksgiving dinner with her and her family. It was so warm and inviting; I truly did appreciate being included with their family and bless her heart for making sure her friend's daughter is being looked after. I really have a new collection of mothers and it's pretty cute to see them step up and give the same rounds of 20 questions that my mom would have when it comes to anything from men, career, and life in general.


It's never fails. At times when I'm worried about emotions that will hit me around the holidays I have been extremely blessed with friends and family and unexpected opportunities to see the warm and loving nature of people.

I'm getting ready to leave for the other side of the state and Thanksgiving with my Granny and the rest of the family. My uncle has moved back up from Texas so it will be a great addition to have him around for the holiday dinner. Slowly my family seems to be putting itself back together after we seemed to have lost our "glue". The dynamics are shifting and it's an interesting mix of new and different along with old and reliable.

I am thankful for so many things in my life. I am surrounded by so much love and a family that some of us were born into and others have been added along the way. I have my family, I have my health, I have a roof over my head, food in my belly, and really everything I need.

I wish everyone to have as many blessings as I have this holiday season. Eat, drink and be merry!

How am I suppose to keep emotions out of this?!?

::sigh::

I am already like a crack fiend waiting for that little email to pop up telling me there is a new listing.

I've already got bent out of shape over a place that I wanted but due to some shady listing practice already had an offer as soon as it was listed. (I don't quite know all the details but my agent said it wasn't right)

I've been told that if I can keep emotions out of it, we can consider short sales so I can get a great deal.  And trust, there are more short sales than regular sales in the hood where I'm looking.  I'm not worried that it will be a bad investment, it's just that 2 years ago prices were soaring.  This is a sound and desireable neighborhood.

I have to share, here is the place I was upset about today.  It's exactly what I was looking for...with the exclusion of the nasty wall paper and outdated appliances. Those are easy changes.   2 bedroom, 1.75 bath, huge deck with extra storage. :::BIG sigh:::

All righty.. I'm off to poke someones eyes out and be grumpy. Have wonderful weekends!

Feet Wet

Got my feet wet last night. I did my first round of looking at condos. It was a really good experience but how odd was it to be in folks’ homes and opening cupboards and looking in closets. I was really hesitant at first but by the 3rd unit I was all up in it.


I learned some things that I like and some I definitely don't. It was a good start and now I have some things under my belt for comparison purposes. Frustrating to find a unit that I really liked the space and the bedrooms and the master bath was AWESOME but it was the strangest set up to get from the parking to the building. Creepy and I'm in the land of rain that doesn't stop all winter, like I'm willing to go for a hike with my groceries? Don't think so.

Now I sit staring at my email and the listing sights like I'm a crack fiend and the new listing is my dealing pulling into the driveway with a goodie!

Hi ho...hi ho... condo shopping I will go....

I'm nervous as hell, but I'm doing it.  I'm taking the step from browsing on the internet to actually getting an agent and making appointments to go look at some condos!

What am I doing?  I'm not too sure myself other than getting tired of renting.  I have been saving and thinking that "someday" I will use that money for a down payment on a house for me and my family. Hmmm. No family, why wait? Why not buy something for me?

Three years ago when I'd be out walking I'd pull fliers and see how ridonkulous prices for "apartments" in my neighborhood are.  Frustrated that I couldn't even afford to buy a small condo in the neighborhood where I'm currently renting.  Guess what, prices are falling and I'm no longer priced out of my own hood.

I haven't even gone to my first appointment (it's tomororw) and I'm already thinking about buyers remorse and what might happen as soon as I plunk down what feels to me like a fortune on a down payment and closing costs.  Scared to death is about how I've felt over the last two weeks that this has been brewing.

Frustrations

1. I KNOW I CAN BUY A NEW CONSTRUCTION HOME IN SOME PARTS OF THE COUNTRY FOR WHAT I'LL BE PAYING FOR A 2 BEDROOM CONDO.  I've been there, I've been house shopping, I know it to be true.  However, I don't want to live in Augusta GA so I'll suck it up and buy where I'm perfectly happy.

2. After HOA dues and property taxes I'm looking about $20k less than I had thought I'd be able to afford.

3. Two of my top picks I had to drop like hot potatoes becuase my agent found out that there were pending lawsuits and other messy stuff that I won't even think about getting involved in.

4. The reality of living on a budget and not dipping into savings when I want to run away to Hawaii or where ever sucks.

All for now. We'll see if something "perfect" comes up for me or not.

Two things today...boobies and honesty

The Girls

First, I want to put it out there for all, maybe I can reassure someone at some point down the line.  Mammograms are not as bad as rumored.  Yes, it was uncomfortable but not painful as I have heard it described by some.  Don't let the rumors stop you from getting your on a regular basis when the time comes.  I typically wouldn't have one yet, but because of my mom it's time for me to start.  The picture pretty much sums it up, see...not scary at all.  Took maybe 4 minutes total, tops.

If I can't be honest with myself....

Crazy that I even hesitated to put my feeling into words because I didn't want to go back on something I wrote in a previous post. Really? Lame SS, just lame.  I want this to be partially a journal for myself, I need to be honest with myself.  Like the computer is going to be disappointed in me?  I hate that word; dissapoint.  Hate to feel it, hate others to feel it about me. (that's another blog topic)

After the big revelation about putting the relationship to rest and feeling better when not in contact with the the Ex. Yeah, I heard from him and have been talking to him all week. He contacted me to let me know he had made it safely to his new duty station overseas and give me his contact info. There is a difference this time, at least it feels like it so far. I think my big revelation left me more at peace with letting go and moving on. So RIP to the relationship the way it was, there is still a relationship but I feel different about it now… no expectations, and to me that means no disappointments. I know it will be more difficult staying in contact with him and at some point it will have to come to an end. I can't imagine dating someone new and them being OK with "Oh but he's deployed and I'm just being supportive" when it comes to the man I thought I was going to marry.

I use it as an excuse or as a reason to justify to myself that what I'm doing isn't "bad" for me. I swear I'm saving myself from feeling bad down the line because "I just couldn't live with myself not talking to him knowing that he is getting ready to deploy."  It's coming very soon and right now I don't feel like I can do anything but be supportive, as a friend.

It gets complicated. Talking to him this morning he told me he wanted me to start wearing his ring again. He mentioned it when I went to see him in San Antonio, looked at my hand "where is your ring?" All I could say is "that's not what we are anymore". I wish I had emotion switch to just flick off when necessary (or would that make me a sociopath?...so never mind on that wish)

So self, I'm being honest. Not trying to hide it and act like I've got some superpower to stick to what I've previously expressed or thought. It's OK. It's my feelings, they can be confusing and I don't always know what's best for me. I've decided to not beat myself up over it. It is what it is, that's how I feel, it's authentic.

Make it three things

I would be remiss in not expressing my sincere thoughts and prayers for affected by the tragic events at Ft. Hood.

I am not a morning person

It is a pretty well known part of my personality. I.am.not.a.morning.person. I hate being scared out of sleep by an alarm clock. I do not pop out of bed ready to tackle the world. I'm slow. I hit snooze more than 2 times. I'm groggy and take a long time to really be awake and functioning.

I laugh now but I'm sure you can imagine the bone of contention this was while in my relationship with a career army, former Drill Sgt, I'm-a-machine-need-little-sleep man. I bring this up now because the reaction when he heard that I'm now faithfully getting up at 5:30 for my cat was priceless.

Anyway, I now have a loved pet that is diabetic and needs an insulin shot at 6am. This has me waking up at 5:30, a good hour and a half earlier than I need to get up for work. *sigh* ::grumble:: *yawn* Yes, I'm worried that one morning I'm going to give the wrong dose, stab my cat somewhere that I shouldn't, stab myself, put the insulin in the freezer instead of the fridge... basically something bad.

When this started two weeks ago and about two days in I realized that trying to go back to sleep for an hour wasn't going to happen, I swore that I was going to make it productive time.

The big plan was to stay up and do one of the core workouts that I can get via On Demand Fitness TV. Still taking baby steps but today I was productive! I put away the dishes, I did 5 minutes of a 20 minute video (I said baby steps), I browsed some other video possibilities, read emails, did some more feline diabetes research and watched some news.

Here is the big one... get this. Yesterday, I actually jumped at the chance to take a 6:50 mammogram appointment. WTF is that all about? I kind of got off on it too. The lady says "Oh we can get you in on Friday but it's a 6:50. "I'll take it! Perfect" I had to kind of look around the room & check over my shoulder to see who it was that just responded. Dude, I'm getting my boobs mashed between glass prior to 7am on Friday. *blink* *blink* That will be a whole 'nuther post because I do intend to share. Friends have already asked me to take lots of mental notes and share because none of them are at an age or circumstance that getting a mammo before age 40 is really going to happen.

Oh, and side note. After some months of blogging, I've kind of felt how I want to settle into this so working on a new layout and title etc. I love playing around with the HTML stuff so that will be fun.

Later!

Aparently I'm a follower

I did, I sure did go buy something after I saw it on the Oprah show.

Cut me some slack, it is jeans after all and who wouldn't do just about anything to find great jeans that fit your body?

I struggled to be OK with rushing to order one of the "Oprah loves" products (don't get me wrong, I really do like Oprah but not in that cult like way).  I struggled with buying jeans put out there by an athlete's wife... that seemed just a little on the gimmicky side.

OH MY GOD I'M SO GLAD I DID IT.

I'm not fat, but I do have me some coke bottle curves and hal-leh-lu-yer I found some jeans to fit comfortably cute w/o exposing crack or looking like mom jeans.

Thank you Cookie Johnson for your jeans. Yes, you heard it, Magic Johnson's wife makes some fabulous jeans.

CJ by Cookie Johnson
"Faith" straight leg stretch - dark wash

My very first pair of straight leg jeans that fit and cover my boo-tay and look HOT with my 4" heels!!

Really...who does this?

Who sits and massages their girl's feet during a movie in a crowded PUBLIC movie theater?

As if it wasn't bad enough that before she even pushed past us in the aisle she dropped her gallon soda on the floor, cussed and then just left the lake-o-coke with not even the consideration of informing someone that could clean it up.

What is that strange noise I hear?  No... it can't be.  Those are not feet on a lap being massaged and just a couple of inches from my elbow.

On the couch at home; sweet and adorable.  In a public theater; keep your complete stranger nasty azz feet to yourself.

Here is the funny part.  For whatever reason I would have been less offended if they had been messing around a little than I was by her feet right there next to me.

I had one of those weekends were I noticed all over the place how completely inconsiderate folks can be.  And we wonder why kids act that way with these shining examples.

Sugar Cat

Found out this morning that my little stank cat is diabetic.

I knew it was a possible diagnosis when I took him to the vet this morning. The visit was prompted by his sudden increase in water consumption. She started with a quick glucose test and *bingo* we have a diagnosis.

So today, I got to learn all about giving my cat insulin shots and the changes I have to make to his diet.

This will be an interesting schedule challenge. They have to be 12 hours apart and given at the same time every day. Hmmmmm. No running to the gym right after work. No long weekend days out and about. No sleeping in (hello 6am insulin shot). Thanksgiving out of town, not going to happen.

It will be a huge change for me but I am soooo glad that it is something treatable and I will make it work.

This makes me realize, as much as I've been feeling lost and without direction or a current big project or goal I'm working on. Maybe it was meant to be like that right now. How would I have managed this medication schedule when I was working 8-5 then off to school from 6-10pm? I'm kind of thinking I wasn't meant to do anything right now so I could be better equipped to take on this schedule for my pet's treatment.

Wish me luck with the first shot tonight. I did practice in the office with saline, but still... this will be interesting.

My thoughts... are those my thoughts?

I do this over and over. I have a day when I'm feeling not so together and I write down my thoughts. Then the next day I read what I wrote and I think "who was that?".

Isn't that the whole point of this for me, right? Get things out, write things down so I can see where I have been, how I've processed things and have reminders of how I was able to handle whatever was going on in my life at a given time....good, bad and ugly.

I asked a friend this morning if she ever wrote down what was going thru her head when she was having a rough patch. She said that yes she has done that but she "sounded like a crazy person" so she stopped. That is how I feel.

I've always had a hard time translating the thoughts and feelings that are in my head into the right words or into well put prose so they come out exactly how they are floating in my head.

Because this is a public forum, after a scattered thought/having a rough day post, I feel compelled to post about all the things in my life that I do appreciate, love, cherish and am grateful for. God forbid that someone read what I just wrote the day before and not realize that there is more to me than being a grown woman who feels a lot lost right now. It might just be a good for ME too. I have never completely lost sight of all the good things in my life, I just need to pull them back up as the main focus.

APB: Have you seen my Happy?

You may not want to read this: This is a major "note to self" random questions while I'm trying to figure out WTF is going on in my head kind of post, so nothing too informative or interesting for most.

I have flat out forgotten what makes me happy.

How the hell did this happen? How did I end up someone who only has happy moments but has completely lost track of overall joyful life, feeling passion, when I'm feeling blue I can do (choose from the things that make me happy list) and it make me feel better, down to my core happy peaceful state of mind.

I'm afraid that my brain has had too much time dealing with loss and tragic stuff over the last couple of years that it's been permanently rewired to operate in this mode.

I can't fucking figure out who I am and what will get me out of this state of mind.

Gawd, this is so frustrating. This isn't me, this isn't who I am.

Or have I been tricking myself? I didn't think I was dependent on outside things/relationships to define who I was and what my life was about.... but wholly shit, a lot of external things/relationships went bye bye and now I'm standing here with this blank look on my face, big blinking eyes full of confusion and I don't know what direction to go. Without that outside stuff helping to guide my decisions and helping me pick my direction I'm like a little lost kid.

Reality check
I had one major thing I had been holding on to as my "happy" and hope in life and it's gone too.   I've spent the last 6 months really struggling to find my way without it.   I've been trying really hard at parts of it.  The other part I think I've been self sabotaging.  I've been trying to hold on to that last realtionship like it was some kind of life preserver.   And who doesn't reach out for that life preserver when it's thrown their way?  It's felt like a break in the struggle, a temporary relief.  Every time I've grabbed it, I know it's only temporary relief.  Why do I do it?  I know I can swim (sticking with the analogy), in fact I'm a strong swimmer.  One thing is missing... I can't see the land and I don't know what direction to swim!

Who ever knew that having this huge blank slate of a life would be so overwhelming? I can write my story from here on out how I choose, I don't have anybody's rules (I said rules, not laws) to live by, nobody with any expectations of me, nobody dependant on me. This should be feeling carefree and like some big fat opportunity to do whatever I want, but I don't know what I want and it's really rather overwhelming.

Be careful what you wish for

So why is it that when I get what I claimed I wanted... I'm mildly upset by it?

Twisted.

You know, you want to move on and then you don't get a phone call that you just "knew" would be made.....and you feel all hurt by it.  One of those.  Let me stop beating my head against this brick wall and in the long run I will feel aOK.  Note to self: Remember the repercussions of answering phone calls from the Ex.

On another note....odds are looking good for the ladies that are in the giveaway! Sometime tomorrow I'll do a random number thing and let you all know who won.

Granny!?! *my ears are burning*

Out of the mouth of Granny…

Me: I don’t feel like putting on makeup today before our errands. I wish there wasn’t such a difference between how I look with and without makeup. I’d love to get the reaction ‘Wow, she looks great and no makeup’

Gran (1/2 under her breath) Yeah… ‘I could wake up to that in the morning’ is more like it.

Me: Granny!

Gran: Oh, after you are married of course.

A little reminder that my Granny actually had a life before being my Granny.

She really is too cute

She is spry but due to her eyesight dwindling she has a disabled parking pass. We only use it when really necessary but Gran puts on an act when we do. She’ll get out of the car and grab on to my arm and we walk really slow. The minute we hit the front door of the establishment, she drops the arm and off she goes in her Nike sneakers and her GAP jeans.

I love the fact that she keeps her older wig as her “house wig” to put on first thing in the AM or when there is company in the house she’ll sleep with it on. It’s hilarious to see her napping with her wig slipping ½ way off the back of her head. Wake her up, she adjusts the wig and all is good.

Good times

I love time with my family. I've been feeling rather alone (kind of orphaned) lately and a weekend with my Granny is exactly what the doctor ordered.

I have a very special relationship with my Gran. My mom had me when she was very young and we ended up living with my Gran and Gramps until my mom finished college. I think I was in 1st grade when we moved to our first apartment. My Gran was the one that was home watching me during the day while my mom was at school and work. The little lady really is my 2nd mother and boy how glad I am that I still have her in my life.

It is really sweet how she has upped her game since my mom passed. I think she feels it’s her duty to look after “Colleen’s little girl”. She pulled out all the stops and for two days asked me question after question when I told her I was taking a trip to Hawaii with the Ex. It was very dramatic at times, Granny grabbing the remote and turning off the TV, “I have some more questions for you.” She always asks me if I have “pocket money” and as soon as I leave town asks me if I’m on my way back yet. *loves loves loves*

Today I booked my ticket for Thanksgiving. Can’t wait.

Nerd Girl P*rn

So it might not be my exact choice for hot guys, but not bad.  I think I love the name of this post at The Frisky most of all.

Nerd Girl Porn: Hot Guys Playing Golf

Should I make it my life's ambition to compile my own collection of hot guys playing golf?  I've already got one under my belt.

Recharge

Off for a much needed weekend with my family.  *exhale*

Can't wait to get my hands on my little Granny.

Looking forward to:

An evening of playing cards and the wonderful sarcastic smartass humor of my family that makes me feel right at home.

Trip thru Costco with Granny and watching in amazement as the little thing puts down an entire Costco hotdog and then asks, "What's for dessert?" 

Bringing home the last of the veggies that Granny has harvested from the garden.  We're down to a few cucumbers and some overgrown geen beans that she sends home for my cat. (yes, he loves green beans)

Taking flowers to my mama.

A memory bank full of funny Granny comments.  Kids and 90 year olds say the darndest things.

Rumor has it there may be an early birthday celebration in the works as well. yay.

The woman that made it all happen

It was two years ago today that my beautiful mother lost her hard fought battle with breast cancer.

She was the best woman I could have asked for to guide me thru the 35 years that I had the pleasure to be her “Kiddo”.

I could say that this day two years ago was the most defining moment in my life, however, it was really the entire year and 9 months from diagnosis to her passing. I not only learned more about who she was as a woman, I was taught and learned more about myself as an adult woman. From her I received all the strength and guidance any daughter could ask for.

We miss you, we love you. You mean more to me and our family than words can ever express.

An example of her beautiful attitude even thru chemo.

And this one just because I think it is freakin hilarious and made me giggle to no end when I came across it recently. Nothing like a good 80’s Thanksgiving throwback pic….that’s my mama! Gotta love her. ( I really hope this was a set up and she wasn't really going to town on a turkey leg like that!)

Surprise Surprise....

Well not really.

Just as I predicted (of course didn't say it out loud incase I was wrong) I heard from the Ex over the weekend.  I was expecting to hear from him sometime between finishing his last training class and leaving for overseas.   I didn't expect the call to come so quickly.

I knew at some point (just as I was getting use to the idea of not having conversations with him) I'd hear from him.  I knew he wouldn't leave without testing the waters to see if I'm considered "a friend" and if he still has some sort of connection with me.

All along I told myself that I wouldn't answer when he called. *I've heard that before*

I was out at the driving range on a beautiful Sunday morning swinging away and the phone rang.  I took a look.  I could have ignored the call.  I didn't. *again, doesn't this sound familiar*  Talking to me like normal, like the last conversation we had wasn't in an airport with me crying my eyes out as we said goodbye, the final goodbye to our relationship and the final goodbye before he leaves overseas.

I didn't have to answer... but I couldn't help it.  I think I was afraid of how I'd feel if I didn't talk to him again or cut off our communication before he deploys.

One phone call and here I go all over again trying to let go.

My freakin shots went to shit too.

Oh my EFF are you kidding me? Monkey babies?

What is wrong with TLC?

My Monkey Baby

Is this really a TV show?

I was so weirded out by the preview I know it's not even one of those things I'll watch to satisfy my freak curiosity.

I'm so confused.  So are they.

The cutest little tshirt collection I don't have *updated*

**wholly awesome for a Friday update**

I did go to order the Nerdy tshirt and when checking out they said I get a free gift and gave about 5 different shirts to choose from so I will now own this little gem as well.   *i'm dying*  Yes, I am 12.

**********************************************
TtothaGtothaIF!!

Inspired by a cute little tshirt in this post by Melissa at New Girl on Post I decided to take a look at my little collection of "cute little tshirts i've never purchased".  They really are too cute.

This grouping is all from David & Goliath... they really make a soft comfy tshirt.

Swearing that by the end of the day today I am going to order "Talk Nerdy".

  

When I'm feeling a fuckingangryandbitter out of sorts these lift my spirits

So I can read at a later date

Writing a reminder to myself that the sad spurts or feeling lonely are temporary and if I just remember to use my tools it's way manageable.


NOTE TO SELF: Remember that feeling blue is not permanent and it's a completely normal part of coping with loss. You have the tools to manage it, let it out in pieces and the end is near.

I think this will apply across the board at various times in my life for various challenging events; tackled correctly it's manageable. Might hurt, probably sucks, most likely stressful, but it can be handled.

Big accomplishment over the weekend. I got those boxes of memories, memorabilia, trinkets and what not out of my house and into storage. Wow. What a refreshing feeling to have hallways not lined with items for Goodwill and to have a dining room that isn't filled with boxes and old furniture. A.W.E.S.O.M.E

I planned to give myself time each evening to sit and reflect and be sad about the sad things, cry if needed. Guess what, I didn't even need it for the first two days. I really didn't need it but once or twice and the tears came and went, not while driving to work, not while sitting at my desk or at the "wrong" time. It made me feel like I wasn't out of control. A.W.E.S.O.M.E #2

I've been thinking bout what kind of class to take, so that part of my to do list is still in progress but I'm looking forward to having something on the agenda. I'm thinking some cooking classes.

Control

Moi?  Needing control?  No way..... 

When I've been hit with these patches of grief and sadness my own fears turn into anxiety and make it worse. I never thought of myself as having anxiety "issues". I'm not high strung, pretty mellow actually. I kept hearing my counselor talking about how my fear of the unknown or fear of not being able to control the grief process was a big source of my anxiety. *?* "But I don't feel like I have anxiety". So I'm not a visible walking bundle of nerves. I internalize it. When it does happen, like when I start to feel I'm in a weepy phase and get scared I won't pull out and end up in some dark hole of depression (yeah that's really how I feel and it scares me to death), that fear feeds anxiety and just spirals the whole process.

The distractions so I don't sit there in my own head and think too much, combined with scheduling down times for me to go thru the sadness sooth me. It gives me a feeling of being in control over what is happening and how I'm feeling. I like it. It makes it feel manageable. A.W.E.S.O.M.E #3.

This all has been a completely new experience for me. As I have mentioned before, I've been very blessed in life to not have had to tackle hardships or much loss up until this point. Learning how to manage all of this has been very empowering.

Excuses

I don't understand how one person can have so many damn excuses…. excuses for every effing thing in the universe. Excuses that prevent them from having to take any kind of hard look at their own decisions and responsibility for whatever circumstance the excuses are for this time.


Never mind that tens of thousands of people out there in the exact same circumstances that do make whatever the situation it is happen. They have been dealt the same deck of cards and many of them are able to handle their business, so how is it an excuse for you not to?

Oh and it gets better, this person also has the nerve to complain about others who do the same damn thing that they do.... and not even a twinge of recognition that they do the exact same thing.

Grow the eff up. Stop being a victim.

*grrrr*

Back in the days when I was young I'm not a kid anymore ...

(FYI... love that song)

Looking thru some boxes from my mom's house I came across a ton of childhood memories that had been stored away in the back of my brain somewhere.  It was awesome.  Then today a girlfriend started to tell us how she came across some books she had loved as a kid and one thing lead to another and we've spent a good part of the day (on breaks and lunch of course) discussing our favorites from when we were kids.

There were a lot of the obvious, but here are some of mine that were reaching a little further into the memory banks.

Sticker Books

Mine were actually kept by my mom and discovered over the weekend. Unicorns and rainbows were my favorites at the time.  All carefully cut out and classified in their own category pages. The photo albums that housed them appropriately covered rainbow stripe fabric and ribbons.

Colorforms

I know I had more than one set... but Holly Hobby was the only one I could remember off the top of my head.  At the time I thought I was all fancy and more sophisticated than paper dolls.  Who knew?  They also made the "sewing cards".

Game

Oh how I longed for this game.... I made sure that it was the ONLY thing that I told my Auntie that I wanted for Christmas.  She was the one that was good for getting you exactly what you said you wanted, but I didn't want to mess up my chances by giving her any options.

Fashion Plates & Flip n' Fold Fashions

I had totally forgot about the Flip n' Fold fashions.  I was super jealous of my cousin owning this one.  It was a little tricky to get the fabric just so and I think there might have been some uncontrolled giggle fests surrounding an exposed plastic boob in one daring fashion experiment.

Books

None of my friends knew of, let alone read, Old Mother West Wind books by Thornton Burgess.  It took me forever to even figure out the name.  I knew they were stories that had to do with animals but the only suggestions that ever came up were "Wind in the Willows" or "Frog & Toad" and I knew those weren't it.  Thanks to my BFF and her hubby for coming up with the answer.  Then to find out that these are *like* ancient writings.  Great kids books, I would get lost in the stories.

One of my absolute fav books of all, which is really nothing like the current movie; Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs.  Oh the visuals I had when reading this book!

P.S. I think it is a crock of shit that most of these pictures came from web sites advertising "antiques".  Kiss my not so old to be an antique booty!  Exception being the series of books that were written in the early 1900's, those get an obvious pass.

Go Little Man Go! *peeing* w/ bonus GIVEAWAY advertising

What a perfect TGIF post.  This is too good ... you've got to watch.

I will go thru the rest of my friday with a big happy smile on my face, I can already hear the sound of the golf balls I will be hitting this evening, I've got a stack of books for the "in front of the fire" reading that is coming up as the weather gets cooler and my new mattress will delivery on Tuesday!  It's a good day.



GIVEAWAY

And to top off a Friday.... The. Mrs at  Trying Our Best has posted a Giveaway(check it out here) !  We all love a good book, and if you haven't already go check it out, enojoy the blog and comment to win while your at it!

The Trials of the Honorable F. Darcy

I'm sorry, but I've got to say it....

These two headlines today make my vajayjay nervous:
"Whoa, baby! Woman delivers 19lb baby boy"
"Woman gets pregnant twice...not twins"


And this one?  Nice, I guess in the land of Starbucks coffee pimps were to be expected?  Let me not even get started on the coffee stand down the street that advertises bikini baristas as "sexy young girls" "how may we serve you" and "cream with your coffee?":
"Bikini baristas accused of prostitution"

My Blessings

I see a pattern. After I talk about feeling bad, I then want to make sure everyone (blog, "the universe", God) knows that there is more than weepy feelings and loss in my life. I do have good things in my life as well and I do appreciate the heck out of them.

First and foremost I am blessed with my life. I had an accident over the summer and it was an honest to God blessing that I was not seriously injured, or worse.

I am healthy.

I have friends & family that would do anything for me.

I had 35 years with the best mother I could have ever hoped for.

It can hurt like a SOB when & if it ends, but I am happy to say I know what it feel like to love and be loved. It didn't work out in the end, but my last relationship was an amazing relationship while it lasted. I felt loved. I was adored and treated like I should be. I am grateful for that. If I hadn't experienced feeling loved in a healthy relationship, I think I'd be prone to continue to settle for less in my future relationships.

I have a job that is currently stable.

After years of juggling working full time & school I GRATUATED last spring!

I have discovered that I am resilient. I feel that I have strengths and the skills (or at least I know who to talk to for help) to tackle just about anything that life is going to throw my way.

Yes, I'm having a bit of a tough time right now with certain events and emotions but that in no way means I don't appreciate and see the positive in my life. Life isn't black & white; it doesn't have to be all one or all the other. It's one big mixed up ball of unexpected twists and turns!

This is who I am.... good, bad, sad, happy, angry, joyful... all rolled into one.

New tools for the box

OK,so that sounds a little more suggestive than it should.  But that's not a bad ider either. *ummmmm*

I needed my counselor to tell me that my weepy mood as of late is normal.  I'm scared to death of getting stuck in that weepy place so some stress and anxiety are immediately taken away when I'm told it is normal and will pass.  Still feels sucky in the mean time, but I know it will go away again just like it did last spring.

I don't like to hear about or face how much loss and trauma I've gone thru in such a short period of time.  I want to act like it's no big thing, water off a ducks back.   I feel a bit guilty even saying I'm having a tough time when there are people out there that have lost even more than I have.   I needed permission to feel bad.  Crazy as that sounds.  I need someone to remind me that I am human and it does hurt and it's a lot to handle in a short period of time.  It is OK to acknowledge all that, no guilt necessary.

So here it is.  I'm not whining. I'm not looking for pity.  I'm not in a place of "poor me".  I'm not feeling guilty. These are just the facts.

The last two years:
I lost my mom to breast cancer
I lost my dad (step-dad of 24 years) to his own grief
I lost my family as I knew it (we do seem to be pulling ourselves back together. thank god)
I lost my love
I lost the life I thought I was heading toward
And while all this was going on, lets throw in being involved in a fatality car accident this summer.

I'm going to feel lost.  I'm going to be sad.  I feel like I have no control.  I'm desperate for control.  I can't control any of those things that happened, I just need to figure out a way to process it and deal with it at it comes.

I have some new tools to work with.  We worked out an approach so I can feel like I have some control while at the same time allowing my feelings to come out and deal with them as they do.  Structure is good for me right now, that helps to self sooth, satisfies that need for control.  Within that structure I give myself time each day for the weepys, the sad, whatever it is that needs to get out.   I don't need to figure out and recreate my entire life and goals and the path I want to take right this minute. As much as I want to feel that level of control it's unrealistic and actually rather overwhelming to try and get a grasp on all at once.  Those options and opportunities will be there in a few weeks after I've gone thru this rough patch.

So the tools for right now are:

• Structure with time given daily to go thru the emotions
• Finding a class or hobby that has to do with creativity and tapping into that side of my brain
• Reclaiming my house and making it my comfort zone again.  It is currently filled with boxes of my mom's possessions and a sorting project that is just too overwhelming right now.  That all is going to a storage locker until I feel I want to tackle it.
• Movies.  Yes!  Movies. Funny ones.  Something to get me out of my own head space and focusing on someone elses story.
• Celebrate my life... aka my birthday.

 Time for a nap.

Hum Drums

I'm kind of all over the place these last few months.  One week I'm excited and feeling like my old self, optimistic and a "go get 'em" attitude then I start feeling lost again.

Time to go in to the counselor for a tune up!  Maybe she can help me figure out what it is.

I'm thinking part of it is going thru the get-over-let-go-move-on process again after the final closure weekend with the Ex.  This is the time of year we met and as it's a transition time with the weather and daylight hours and all of that it reminds me of our first dates when he was still living here.  I still miss all those thoughts.  He is at his last set of training before he moves overseas.  It's been three week since I saw him and haven't talked to him since so I'm going thru that phase where it feels really strange not knowing what he's doing or hearing about his training and travels.  Yes, I'll admit I don't help things when I take a look online to see what the weather is like where he is at.

Another part is we're approaching the anniversary of my mother's passing.  October 9th will be two years since we lost her.  I do remember feeling the blues this same time last year so this one is pretty obvious.

But last year I was part of a team.  I need to make that transition back to being me on my own.  It was really the first time in my life that I had ever opened up in a realtionship and let myself truely lean on someone... count on that man to get me thru when I was feeling weak, and actually letting him see those moments when I wasn't feeling like the strong one.  I liked it. This transition back is harder than I thought it would be.

It will be interesting to see if I'm on track or if the counselor brings up somethign else I've been missing.  I know I've said it before but seeing her really is the best decision I've made in a very long time.

Travel blues...

Why oh why am I being taunted by weekly emails telling me how great the prices are on flights to Hawaii?

OK, so yeah, I did sign up for the email alerts... I'm just sayin'.

It's very hard not to say an early "Happy Birthday to Me" and book a flight.   Oh how I luv Hawaii. *sigh*

Project ME!

Forget holding on, forget being sad over things that didn't happen, forget sitting around and feeling like life is just happening to me. I'm really done feeling like that.

The 3.5 years have been one change after another. Some have been good, some have been bad and the last 6 months have really been packed!

I'm going to try and spin this into the positive. I know there will always be tough/sad times in life, but right now I'm turning all that ish into somewhat of a clean slate.

I feel like I have been living my life to please other people. That's just a function of how I grew up... do good, make mom/grandma/family/man proud, get praise, etc etc. etc. I need to revisit the question, "Who am I being good for?" or rather "Who am I living for?" and the answer has got to be a resounding "ME!" Yes, I do thinkg here and there to make myself happy, but this is going to be bigger picture stuff. I need to find my own motivation for accomplishing goals and making my mark in the world. It need not matter if my mom or anyone else is there to say she is proud or uphold a set of rules and expectations for me. I need to be able to do that on my own, to please myself not because that is what mom, dad, granny, friend, or man in my life expects.

I'm a little intimidated because this is new. I've done well in my life but never truly just to please myself. Scary because I think I have higher expectations for myself than anyone else ever could, maybe that's why it was easier to do things to meet their expectations rather than my own. Good lord, what could be worse than disappointing myself? That would suck.

Adding to my description

I have another word to add to my description: AUTHENTIC.

That is how I want to be in all relationships. I've really been evaluating my relationship with the Ex to learn from it. I realized there were a lot of times that I wasn't being the 100% real deal me. I'm all about learning and growing in a relationship but there were times that I was trying to change my personality that weren't about growth, they were about editing who I am. I didn't hide or edit the really important things... I wasn't being a fake person, but I wasn't being authentic. I sometimes felt like a child does with their parent, you want to do well, you want their approval, you don't want to disappoint. Things about me that I knew weren't his "ideal" I would try to minimize. Things like, oh... my sarcasms and potty mouth. Those are the two biggies that I can think of. Do you realize how hard it is to hide sarcasm? I mean, until someone who doesn't care for it starts pointing out how often things come out of your mouth with a sarcastic twist you don't realize how much that really is ingrained into your personality. I'll admit, there were times when I'd say something and not at all intend for it to be sarcastic and it was coming out that way. That was helpful, to be mindful of "tone" so I don't come across sarcastic when that's not what I intend. But let’s be honest here, most of the time I do intend to be sarcastic... that is the AUTHENTIC me.

So I'm expanding that to all aspects of me and my relationships. It is just too tiring trying to edit myself in any relationship.

So here I go


To new beginnings, learning, living, adventures and more words to add to my description!  Oh... hopefully some love too! ;-)

Letting go and recreating

I'm having a hard time letting go. I can't seem to let go of my "old life" and get moving in a new direction.

Over the last two years I've had to mourn the loss of some very important people and family structures. I lost my mom to breast cancer, I lost my dad to his grief, I lost the family structure as I had known it, and I lost my partner and love of my life (so I thought) to heartache.

There is an unexpected aftermath to all this. Now I find myself mourning the loss of something that hadn’t even happened yet… parts of my life. I hadn’t been able to put my finger on exactly what it was and with the help of the wonderful counselor it was pin pointed. It’s the intangibles, some of them fresher than others. The thoughts of my mom not being around to see my children and be that wonderful grandma that she would be, my dad not being the person I thought he would be in my life and preparing that I might not ever get him back, and the changes associated with the ending of the relationship.

I usually welcome change. I get bored and feel stagnant when there aren’t some changes up in the mix every couple of years but this feels different. I’ve felt overwhelmed, then eased into feeling settled again and then *bam* another hit. I was wrapping my head around how different life would be with my mom gone, but I also had a new life I was creating with the Ex. That gave me some focus. I put a lot of thought into how different life would be with him being in the military. We talked about it quite a lot, both of us wanting to make sure that I was prepared and going into this with open eyes. I had wrapped my head around the idea and committed to it. Then that all flew out the window too.

It’s been hard for me to just change gears. Plugging along and then “Oh shit, what do I do now?” The time it took me to settle into this new life, it feels like it’s going to take me just as long to let go and work on another new life. I’m not that patient!

My life has had major changes and needs reconstruction. I want to embrace this as an opportunity to recreate. I’ve been trying, I really have. I’ve taken on some new hobbies, I’ve gotten back into taking care of me with my fitness and diet and I’ve given myself permission to really be my own woman and write my own rules for my life. BUT (of course there is a but) I’m still feeling lost.

I’m holding on to the thoughts of what I no longer have. It’s harder than I thought to transition back, start on a new plan, and get moving on the implementation.

Why is it so hard to let go of a part of your life that didn’t even get the chance to materialize?

Luck o' the Norsk

It's about dang time.  There was some good luck for me this week.  This was pure good luck, not the "I walked away from a horrific accident alive" kind of luck that I had earlier in the summer.  *man above if you are listening* Not that I would trade that kind of Guardian Angel luck for anything, I'm just saying that random all positive good luck feels great!

Wal-Mart trip that ended well

Mama hit a progressive JACKPOT on penny slot machines!!!!!  I really do like to gamble and fortunately for me I don't have too much of an addictive type of personality so keep it to some outings with the girls/family a handful of times a year.   It started with a trip to WalMart.  There isn't one close to where I live so it's a bit of a drive....but it was a nice evening and I didn't really feel like sitting at home (or going to the gym) so I decided to go up to Wally World to get some things and knock out grocery shopping as well.   So happens that WM is about 1/2 a mile away from a nice big casino.  I was done shopping and still didn't feel like heading home so I decided to take the $50 in my wallet and go in and have a cocktail and play some slots.  B.I.N.G.O.   I think all the funny feelings about going to the casino alone flew out the window when I won big.

Treat

So after replenishing the savings account (depleted from having to buy a new car) I treated myself to MY NEW SET OF GOLF CLUBS.  My first set ever.  Because of the car purchase I was going to wait to buy them until next spring but I just couldn't wait any longer.  The weather her has been horrible so I didn't get to play over the weekend but last night I hit the driving range and felt like an official golfer with my own clubs.


Drama, heart ache, feeling a bit ungrounded all aside.   Life is feeling pretty good this week. *woot*

A change is brewin....

Yesterday I went back and read all my blog entries.  That was interesting.  Not that I'm all that far away from when I started... it was just a litle trip down short term memory lane.

Interesting that I signed a pissed off letter to my Ex "TheWomanYouCan'tGetBack" and although it was up in the air for a minute, I was right.

I've been pretty random in my blogging.  I read blogs that seem to have some sort of consistency to the posts and mine has none of that.  Sometimes it is a journal, sometimes I'm posting things and talking to people that really aren't there (like I have a lot of readers!  But thank you to the few that I know do read!!), sometimes it's just because I'm feeling dorky about something and want to share... and I like to do stuff on the computer anyway.

I remember settling on the name "Under Construction" becuase I had no clue what else to use and I had no clue what form my blog was going to take.  Funny how it still hasn't really taken much form at all, maybe once I start dating again I'll have some direction. *oh yay... not*

I don't feel that name fits anymore.  Under Construction is one of those temporary messages for unfinished web sites or roads that look like they lead to nowhere.  Yeah, I'm still building my life but I don't like that name anymore.  I've got some ideas so I predict in the near future I'll change things up a tiny bit.

If I keep this up I just imagine how it will feel to look back maybe over a year and reflect and be reminded of of my thoughs and what I was up to at the time.  I've never been a journal writer but I'm starting to see more and more of the appeal.

Question: Where the hell is spell check?  I managed to do something that changed up the post editor thingy and spell check went away.  I may be good with numbers, but I super suck at spelling.