Today I thank God for giving me the tools needed and the push to take advantage of those tools.
Today I thank God because I feel like me again. I feel like the present and engaged in living life me. I was always there, just trapped in a place I didn't like.
The tears rolling down my cheeks as I write this are oh so different than the the tears I had recently shed for weeks on end. These tears are not from grief, loss and fear. These are tears of relief, joy, peace, excitement and optimism.
Grief is tricky. Nobody can tell you how it's going to feel and there are no rules to follow. I tried, oh how I tried, to follow those unwritten family rules on how we are expected to react and behave and do and be... but those rules didn't allow me to grieve the way I needed to grieve. They didn't give me the time I needed to kind of check out and let it all out. There were expectations, things to do, people I needed to take care of. That didn't work well for me. That sneaky little bastard caught up to me in the end.
Who am I being good for?
Rules were meant to be broken. At least these rules were and I am breaking them. My whole life my actions and decisions have be wrapped around my mom, making her happy, trying to please her and make her proud. This isn't a bad thing, she laid the ground work and structure that helped make me into a strong, successful, kind, and compassionate woman. She was amazing. Any child should be so lucky to have such a great mom. But she isn't here anymore and some of these mom & family rules don't work for me.
Mom, I love you. I miss you terribly and I always will. I'm going to break some of the rules and it's a good thing! Now, I'm not going to go off and get arrested.... the foundation you laid is still there but I have been miserable trying to work by someone else's rules. I know you wouldn't want that. I know you would never have asked me to do that knowing how it was affecting my life. That was your little girl, the little girl inside of me, that wanted to please her mom and her family. I'm still the girl you love, I'm still the woman that you said you were proud to call your daughter. It's time for me to write my own rules. It's time for me to start a new part of my journey into being my own woman. You will really like her.
I AM FREE! I feel free from the grips of grief and fear that have been strangling my life. *damn it feels good*
Friday, June 5, 2009