Monday, June 1, 2009

Long story short....sorta.... I'm scared

If I spent time writing everything that I've wanted to talk thru "out loud" with myself lately I'd never have time to get anything else done. For whatever reason my brain likes to go thru all these things after I've crawled into the bed for the evening, so weeks of most nights of fitful sleep I feel like a cheese brain today.

Anyway. The Ex and the text messages from Friday turned into a phone call from him right at 5pm when he knew I'd be leaving work. Yes, I answered.

More than one conversation over the weekend. He said the things that I wanted to hear from him weeks ago. Well, actually, I'd rather they never needed to be said at all, but I finally got the conversation I was looking for, got to ask the questions I wanted to ask. The conversations were riddled with apologies, explanations (also excuses), "I fucked up"s, "I don't know what I was thinking", "you are the best woman I've ever know", etc. etc. etc. I listened, I agreed, with no holds barred I let him know what he did to me and how it made me feel. And that's where we stand. I don't know how much we will continue to talk, if we will continue to talk, if I want to do that to myself. I just don't know. I'm in a big fat cloud of the unknown right now.

If I had had this conversation with him weeks ago, when the heart ache and grief were still intertwined (part of my therapy, I've been able to distinguish what part of my sadness and reaction are from grief rather than the breakup...that is very good to be able to do), I would never have been able to pull it off in a rational manner. I would have been so blubbering with tears and sobbing I wouldn't have said what I wanted to and I don't know that he would have heard anything but a sobbing woman on the phone.

I didn't have that longing feeling pull at my gut or my heart. He gave me so much time that my mind is already starting to reprogram itself to a life with out him. A month or so ago I would have feel longing and some sort of feeling of wanting to get back together with him. Yes, even after the hurt, I wouldn't have been in a place far enough removed that those feeling wouldn't have come to the surface. I'm not over/over him by any means, but some of those connections are already broken.

This is why i'm scared....

The effin D word. The Army has finally decided where he is headed after his class this summer. After the class that I already knew about, they are sending him for an additional 3-4 (I don't remember exact time fram) of training for the new unit he will be with, then overseas and he said he'll only be there about a month before they DEPLOY. I know. Nothing new for a lot of you. In concept, not new for me either. While dating we had some very serious and realistic conversations because he wanted me to understand what his career meant and said that it wasn't a matter of if, just when he would be deployed. That's actually how I ended up first reading blogs.... I was on the internet seeing if there was anything out there about real life experiences surrounding the life military families and I stumbled across a blog of a girl who's husband was in the same career and at the same place in his career as my Ex.

But now it's here and I'm scared. Scared of what I'm not sure, he's not even my boyfriend anymore but I do still love him and it is kind of freaking me out.


T said...

Well apparently, its freaking him out too.

I wonder if he's coming back truly or coming back because he wants someone to love him through this deployment.

Sorry to sound cynical. I did an entire 15 month deployment only to get screwed in the end.

But I'm not bitter or anything.Hang in there girl. I'm sorry to hear that you're unsure of what's happening now. Life really throws us curve balls, doesn't it?


The Mrs. said...

ah the back and forth. How do you know when its real and when to just say we have to keep it the way it was?

Flyboy and I have been together forever, but we had two breakups and then ended up back together. We've been married seven years this december and I couldn't imagine it working out any other way. But that being said, I dont know how you know.

Crazy Shenanigans said...

First of all, I'm right there with you on the hating the unknown. I hate that. If I could smite one thing it would be the unknown. With that being said all you can do is roll with the punches. I know it's hard and I know some days it's unbelievably hard but it's just something that we have no control over.

Now...deployment. I'm in the thick of one right now and they suck. There's no way around them. The only part that's that they end.

Your Girl Leah said...

AAAAAAAAA I cannot believe he finally called. OMF girl. You know, sometimes I just don't really know if people even fully understand the reason for their actions. In this case, it still all seems very undefined. Just "I fucked up? You're so great?" Like, uh yeah, duh. Why? Why did you fuck up if I'm so great? Maybe there was more to the story there, but I know when I was in the same situation, my mind could not rest without understanding the "why" and I never got that.

I can't imagine what you are going through right now, but it sounds like you are really on some solid foundation within yourself to deal with it. That makes me happy at the very least. *hug*