Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Aye yi yi...

I thought when you became a grown up these kinds of issues were behind you and you were all happy and grown up acting from there on out.   

Apparently I am not a grown up yet.

Apparently the 16 year old's vision of being a grown up and exactly when that happens wasn't based on anything but a mere 16 years of life experience.  

Surprisingly enough, I don't feel like I have much more of life figured out than I did when I was 16.  I imagine my 89 year old Granny just kind of giggling at me.... oh her silly little S.... you dear child, you have so much to learn.  *I love my Gran*  For all the adult responsibilities that I have learned to handle, and handle quite well I might add, there is oh so much more I have to figure out about life. 

Did I ever think I would be 37 and just finishing college and needing to decide exactly which route to take to finally get licensed and start my "real" career?  Did I ever imagine at 37 I would have so much of my life to live without my mom there by my side?  Did I ever think I'd be falling in love and getting my heart broken and going thru those same types of relationship roller coasters?   I did not expect adults to act so childish at times, including myself.

 I just never thought that being a grown up would still contain so much uncertainty, so much "drama" and confusion.  That was what the teens... oh and then the 20's.... oh and then the start of my 30's.... were suppose to be all about.   I was suppose to figure shit out by now.

The ball is in my court

I have talked to the Ex daily since he called on Friday.  The feeling of distance and being a bit removed that I felt when we talked over the weekend is starting to fade.  Heart is starting to contribute its opinions to the decision Head was trying to make on it's own.  Heart is bruised from the hit we took so the direction of that influence varies hour to hour.

I noticed yesterday that he was slipping into the old familiar patterns.  The AM "good morning" text message, a phone call when he knew it was time for me to take my lunch break, shortly after 5pm when I get off work.  Then there was a "hey, baby" thrown in the mix.  Whoa.  That felt strange.  I little on the presumptuous side I thought.  Then a "when do I get to see you"?  *skrrrrrrrt*  We are NOT at that point and I told him so. 

So, what is the point of all this?  Why are we talking?  I don't even know what we are doing?  I don't know what your motivation is, what do you want?  And he said it... he wants me back, he wants us back.   The ball is now in my court,   "I will wait, we can be whatever you want us to be while you take the time you need to decide if you will take me back."

I will take my time.  If you knew me, you would know that I will find a way to over think this.  I imagine I will have another sleepless night as my little brain won't shut off and I attempt to what-ifs this to death.  I have time, and he IS going to have to wait.  There are a lot of complicated issues here and trust me, just about any concern that anyone can come up with is on my radar and will be processed thru my logic machine.

My biggest concern is if there would be enough time before the deployment for us to rebuild the foundation we had. *sigh*


Crazy Shenanigans said...

Ok, so for what's its worth, I'm going to throw my two cents in on this. You can take it or overlook it.

I know exactly how you feel. Life shouldn't be like this when your an adult. This is the type of things you leave behind once you turn the age of 21 at the LATEST! However, with that being said sometimes people make HUGE mistakes and then spend forever trying to make up for them.

I had a friend who was dating a guy and he did pretty much what it sounds like you've shared on here about your ex. They didn't speak for months. Then one day out of the blue he called her. She reluctantly agreed to meet up with him and that's when he BEGGED for forgiveness. He told her that he wanted her back, etc etc. Well he was deploying 4 months later. By the time he deployed in Dec. they were engaged. They're getting married in Feb.

I think you have to follow your heart and if you can give out a second chance then it might be worth it in the end.

T said...

Can I just say, "Grrrrr...."?

I don't know him or the details of the relationship but it just seems really convenient that he's deploying soon.

Then again, I may just be projecting my own crap on your situation.

Ok, I am projecting my own crap. Sorry about that.

Only you know what is best for you. And if he really believes that he wants you back, you should be able to take all the time in the world to make your decision. Including deployment time too.

The Mrs. said...

good luck....

and for what its worth, i dont think you ever figure life out. Or perhaps when you do thats the end of the game. Much as I'd like to have it all squared away I figure its just part of keeping on.

RetroMama said...

Part of the fun of "growing up" is that we never really do... And, yeah, we can kind of move past the angsty part of it, but sometimes being a kid is just... Well, FUN.

Except for when the ex pops up again.

I don't know the backstory. But I read your last several posts. (All of which, I'm assuming, were written post-breakup.) And, while I envy you the experience of having the jerk (may I call him that?) apologize for stuff (I have an ex who didn't bother. LOL!), I think that sometimes boys need to learn how to treat girls right the FIRST time. How many second chances do we give them??

*ducks flying forks*

Anyway, I like your therapist.