I thought when you became a grown up these kinds of issues were behind you and you were all happy and grown up acting from there on out.
Apparently I am not a grown up yet.
Apparently the 16 year old's vision of being a grown up and exactly when that happens wasn't based on anything but a mere 16 years of life experience.
Surprisingly enough, I don't feel like I have much more of life figured out than I did when I was 16. I imagine my 89 year old Granny just kind of giggling at me.... oh her silly little S.... you dear child, you have so much to learn. *I love my Gran* For all the adult responsibilities that I have learned to handle, and handle quite well I might add, there is oh so much more I have to figure out about life.
Did I ever think I would be 37 and just finishing college and needing to decide exactly which route to take to finally get licensed and start my "real" career? Did I ever imagine at 37 I would have so much of my life to live without my mom there by my side? Did I ever think I'd be falling in love and getting my heart broken and going thru those same types of relationship roller coasters? I did not expect adults to act so childish at times, including myself.
I just never thought that being a grown up would still contain so much uncertainty, so much "drama" and confusion. That was what the teens... oh and then the 20's.... oh and then the start of my 30's.... were suppose to be all about. I was suppose to figure shit out by now.
The ball is in my court
I have talked to the Ex daily since he called on Friday. The feeling of distance and being a bit removed that I felt when we talked over the weekend is starting to fade. Heart is starting to contribute its opinions to the decision Head was trying to make on it's own. Heart is bruised from the hit we took so the direction of that influence varies hour to hour.
I noticed yesterday that he was slipping into the old familiar patterns. The AM "good morning" text message, a phone call when he knew it was time for me to take my lunch break, shortly after 5pm when I get off work. Then there was a "hey, baby" thrown in the mix. Whoa. That felt strange. I little on the presumptuous side I thought. Then a "when do I get to see you"? *skrrrrrrrt* We are NOT at that point and I told him so.
So, what is the point of all this? Why are we talking? I don't even know what we are doing? I don't know what your motivation is, what do you want? And he said it... he wants me back, he wants us back. The ball is now in my court, "I will wait, we can be whatever you want us to be while you take the time you need to decide if you will take me back."
I will take my time. If you knew me, you would know that I will find a way to over think this. I imagine I will have another sleepless night as my little brain won't shut off and I attempt to what-ifs this to death. I have time, and he IS going to have to wait. There are a lot of complicated issues here and trust me, just about any concern that anyone can come up with is on my radar and will be processed thru my logic machine.
My biggest concern is if there would be enough time before the deployment for us to rebuild the foundation we had. *sigh*