Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Feeling good to be me

I didn't realize how much I missed myself! No, I'm not kissing my own image in the mirror... I'm just sayin'....

Thanks to the motivation of not wanting to waste $ I spent on a trainer, I'm back into a good fitness routine. I have broken that dreaded barrier of getting back into a routine and loving to get my exercise. I LOVE reading the blogs of all of you out there that are tackling fitness and athletic goals. Very much an inspiration!

I am so much enjoying my golf clinic. I went out to practice at the range this weekend and I was able to hold on to the corrections I was given to work on and felt really good about most of my shots. I love having found a little hobby that I'm enjoying so much and that challenges me.

Still trying to figure out what all this stuff and conversations with the Ex will result in. When I start to think that I want to give him a 2nd chance, I wonder if I'm just missing and wanting back what we had or if I really want to re-build? We can't go back to what we had. If I decided to take him back, we would be building something new and it would be different. VERY different considering his upcoming move and deployment. Gawd, I'm just so damn pissed at him when I think about the good thing that he messed up. The deployment would have been a challenge regardless, but could we even pull it off with a weakened foundation? And hell yes I'm scared that he'd pull this BS again. He keeps telling me that he would be back in it 100%, he is serious, he knows what he wants and he never stopped wanting "us" and our future together (the old "I got scared, stressed, freaked out" reasoning), when he returns from the deployment he wants me to move over there with him and the whole "M" word. You know what....YOU SAID ALL THAT BEFORE and look what you did!?! Can I trust that he won't do it again? If I decide to give him that chance, I have to make sure that I will be able get over the hurt and fears and be in it 100% myself. He is trying to get me to accept a ticket for a weekend visit with him before he takes off for his TDYs (2 of them back to back before leaving-leaving).

Things that go bump in my head the night.

Things that I was afraid of aren't as scary anymore. I've been guided to seeing a different perspective that has taken away the power of many of my fears. And for others, I know that when or if these situations do occur I will bounce back. They won't send me into a dark mental pit that I can't climb my way out of. That day, Mothers Day, when I was scared of that dark place .... that was a normal part of the grief process and not a place for me to be stuck forever. Do you even have a clue how absolutely 10,000lb weight off my shoulders freeing it was to have someone tell me that was normal and I wasn't going to get stuck there?

Back to work and The New Adventures of ME! I think I need to make some changes to the blog. I no longer feel Under Construction.


T said...

What an encouraging post! You sound great girl.

Enjoy it!

Your Girl Leah said...

You sound like you are doing amazing, girl, even with the stuff that is hard, your attitude is so positive that you are going to be in a clear head to make those tough decisions.

Crazy Shenanigans said...

That's awesome your working out. I need to get some of that motivation.

As for the ex, it sounds like things are getting somewhat better!!!!