PYHO: My Mom

Sometimes I feel like all I do here is pour my heart out about something or other.  I'm not one of those nifty words of wisdom, witty life story, mass appeal kind of bloggers.  I started this as a place to vent and say things that I might not normally get out otherwise.

As I've shared in other posts, I lost my mom to breast cancer in Oct of 2007.  I started blogging after she was gone and as I was just getting started in really dealing with my grief.  Working thru that loss has impacted a lot of the events in my life since she has passed.  I don't know that I ever got super solid footing after her passing so with each new shitty event that's popped up there is some of that grief tangled in the mix. 

Here is the pour.....

Cleaning out some old emails (ridding myself of electronic reminders of the Biggest Azzhole in the World) and I came across this email exchange with a dear friend of mine.  Reading this hit me like a ton of bricks.  Anyway...thought I would share this as a prequel to anything I've posted here about my dealing with the grief.  I know so many others have been thru it.

This is kind of long, but important I think to have all of it.  Written about 3 weeks before we lost her.

ME:

Can I say something out loud to you w/o it coming across as a totally negative outlook?

Awesome Friend:
eeek! ok...(nervous)

ME:

My mom is dying. It makes me sad.

I've never really said that like that out loud.

It is overwhelming to think about in those terms so I try to kind of not deal with the reality too often, but feel like I had to acknowledge it. Say it. Let it out. I feel like I'm not suppose to think in those terms or say something like that.
Don't worry about me in a scary way, I'm just going thru the process of the whole thing. Lor gave me info on her counseling office and her therapist marked which names would be good for bereavement counseling so I'm set when/if needed.


Awesome Friend:
S. I have tears on my face as I write this. I am so grateful that you could feel comfortable in saying this to me.
I have been really concerned about your mom, ever since I heard that the cancer had started to spread to her organs. This is what happened to my dear Aunt P, who I cared for in her last days. I actually talked to our other girls, giving them a heads up that times were going to start becoming more difficult, so that we all could be ready to support you in the most love we could give.

S, you have been so so very brave and graceful through this process. I think that acknowledging this part of the cycle of her illness will allow you to even more draw closer to her by knowing time is short and that every moment is dear, as well as to help yourself in your own process by coming to terms with truth: The truth of the mortality of your mom and of ALL people. It just boggles my mind to even contemplate that kind of potential for loss. Recognising and accepting what *is*, as you are doing, won't make the process easier, but it will make it more honest in working through things as you go.

Also in acting as a support for your mom, she will need to be able to tell you things that are important to her regarding how she wants to see things in the family or procedures or WHATEVER after she is gone, and for you to HEAR those things and assure her that her wishes will be fulfilled is immensely important to her, as you can imagine. If we get wrapped up in, "No, no, don't talk that way" I think it can cause the person dying to feel uneasy.

I am so glad to hear that you are open to finding a councilor who is professionally trained in grief. But the process of grief doesn't start at death, you are already grieving for your mother's health as we speak. I suggest starting as soon as you can. <3

I think I am going to really try to budget tight and see if I can make a trip up to Seattle in October, so I can give you a trillion hugs in person.

Has the doctor talked about a prognosis time frame?
I love you.

ME:
L... I sound like a broken record when I say this but I will keep saying it because I want you (all of you) to know how much it means to me to such an amazing group of women as my circle of support. The friendship that the 4 of us share is timeless and amazing and will follow us all through the happy and sad of life. I have a hard enough time expressing my feelings in word form, so I know I will never be able to really explain what it means to me to have you and the girls in my life. Not that I didn't already cherish our friendship, but I don't know if I really understood the depth of or my reliance on our friendship until my mom got sick. It might really have been the first time in my life that I allowed myself to be so vulnerable and open and admit that I needed to lean on some shoulders to help me get through something. This truly has been the hardest thing I've ever been thru and I don't know what I would have done without you and your support.

I know, and have known, what the diagnosis and progression mean and what it is leading up to. I've often felt that if I say it out like that in such certain terms that people would accuse me of not having hope or not being positive. That really isn't the case. Of course I have hope and try to stay as positive as possible. If I didn't, I wouldn't be able to function on a daily basis. But I also know the medical reality and can't live in denial or I would be much worse off in the long run.

You sure are right, nobody wants to hear someone they love talk like that... in terms of them preparing for their departure. I've mustered all the strength I can to face those conversations with my mom and not break down, to listen to what she needs to say even though it's not what I want to hear. It was a little more shocking at first, but I've had a year and a half (hard to believe it's been that long that she has been sick) to get use to her talking like that. At first, it seem way far fetched and easy to dismiss it all as being in vane. Not so much now, now I'm wanting to have those conversations and sit and write things down so I'll be prepared. She's doing it with my dad as well, but I know I'll have to kick in and help him... he's not much of a detail person!

I just spoke to her right before I got your email. I had called to check in for the afternoon. I asked if she had had any recent liver function tests and she hasn't. She will most likely have one on Tuesday so we will have a better idea of what's going on there. Her breathing isn't getting any better, my dad said she is only at about 50% lung capacity but her the oxygen levels in her blood are normal so she's find there. I did notice, and she also mentioned to me, that her lower ab. is becoming a bit distended. That's most likely her liver enlarging from the tumors. She also told me that when Dr. Crossland helped my dad with his FMLA paperwork, she gave him a 3-6 month time frame to list on the paperwork, so it has shortened a bit from the previous 6-12 month prognosis. I don't know if it is because he is a bit of a pessimist, but when I was over there on Monday night my dad and I had a talk and he wants me to be prepared. He didn't want to scare me, but wanted me to make informed decisions about the time I spend with my mom etc. He said he would be surprised if she makes it into the new year, and we'd be blessed to have her for Christmas. If my mom has anything to do with it she will make it past the new year... she wants Step Dad to be able to file federal income tax one more year with her as a deduction. LMAO... that's my mom for ya!

Gosh, anyway, rambling on... I just really want to say thank you. thank you. thank you. I know you've sometimes said that you feel you feel helpless because you aren't here. Don't feel that way at all, you make a huge difference in my life physically in the area or not. I love you like a fat kid loves cake!

And there is is.. poured out.

Pour Your Heart Out: I'm Lost

I'm afraid to admit this because it is contrary to a lot of the words I would use to describe myself.  I think I'm a resilient, strong, intelligent, independent woman.  I've got my life together, got my education, have a job, have pocket change, and it looks like I'm doing OK.

I feel like a lost little child with nobody to guide me.

I don't feel like I've fully learned how to do things for ME.   Follow MY dreams.   To please ME.  To be proud of MYSELF.

Why can't I motivate myself to do things for just me?  Why do I feel so stuck without external motivation?  Why do I need to be trying to make someone else proud and get their praise as motivation to do anything?

Yes, finishing my degree was important to me and I was proud of myself but honestly my main motivation was making my mom and my family proud of me. With out that, I don't know that I would have ever finished.

Yes, I accomplished some big fitness and health goals and it made me feel good but what motivated me to take it to the next level was to show someone else what I could do.  Fitness was important to them and although it was awesome to see what I could push myself to do, if I didn't have that other external source of motivation and receiving the praise from someone for my accomplishment... I don't think I would have done it.  I wouldn't have done it simple for ME and to make ME proud.

This has all happened fairly quickly.  Over the last 3.5 years I no longer have parents to please, I no longer have a partner as a source of motivation and making me "want to be a better woman".  Nobody to look to for that external praise that makes me want to do more and do better and I don't know what to do with myself.

I'm great at taking a supporting roll.  I actually like that, it's what I do well and I get satisfaction out of it but here I am having just lost that roll.  The future I saw with my Ex and my roll in that future was what made me feel grounded and useful.  I had a purpose.

Now I have nothing stopping me from doing whatever I want.  And I don't know what to do with myself. 

I am afraid I'm going to do nothing.

It's not all circus acts and happy traveling rainbows

Three weeks.  That's about all I have left until I jump in feet first.

I've been distracted with planning and trying to get organized for my upcoming trip as well as the holidays and all the other stuff going on between now and D-day.     My head has been in la la land.  I've been doing really well personally; reaching some fitness and health goals which I never imagined myself doing, I've kicked the grief cycles evil ass, and I've been doing pretty well living in the present .... until....

what if....
It has pretty much been sunshine and rainbows and really cool, but I'm starting to "what if" and over think.  Am I being realistic? Do have too many expectations? Shit. Over a year worth of relationship (ups and downs) all over the phone and computer. It's been going so well, the last couple of months have been great. He really has been doing everything he can given the circumstances to make sure he shows that he really wants this and is serious. He listened to me, he's putting talk into action. *blink blink* Wholly hell. I got what I asked for..... *blink blink* What is it going to be like to be together again? I am so excited and my heart is just aching to get there... but. but. but what if..... and that's what sets off my mini anxiety. I don't want to create anxiety over events that haven't or may not even happen. That is deadly and it results in annoying behavior on my part. But I don't want to go too far the other direction either. I want to be realistic.

OK, back to shiny happy things.... distraction techniques....keeping busy until it's time for me to take off and then just go with the flow.  Yes.  That is what I'm going to do. Really... really I am.  I mean, how do I not keep distracted when I have accessories to buy, dinner parties to plan, cookies to bake, a holiday with the fam.... easy peasy. (shit, it's like a 9 hour flight with nothing to do but think) 

What a difference a day makes!

Yesterday my plane tickets were taking me to the Heartland.

Today I'm feeling more Tropical Island!


Of course it's a long story, the short story:

An early R&R had me heading to the Heartland next week to spend time with the Ex. I don't know why I kept expecting any different, but to keep it short I will just say I believed his words (with just enough action to back it up) and was yet again setting myself up for disappointment.

This time is different.  It's hard to admit it. It hurts to admit it. This relationship is just flat out over. I knew it all along deep down inside but it was just to painful to deal with the truth. It was also too hard to admit that I had been a fool for love. I let myself get strung along. It was hard for me to understand how someone that I loved could do that and even harder to admit that I didn't stand up for myself and let it happen.

The turmoil is over
I don't know why I fought against what I knew deep down inside all year long. Maybe it was because I couldn't stand the thought of losing yet something else in my life. I was clinging to the idea of what I thought I had and the life I had been building with this man.

I've been here before. This is a pattern, me hanging on even when I know it's not right. This will be something to explore with my counselor. I want to know why I do this and how to change it. I thought I was already there but I'm obviously not.

Here is the kicker

This is exactly where I was last year. Yes, this same time last year I had booked a last minute "graduation" trip for myself to a Tropical Pacific Island as a "this is the kind of thing I don't do, have never done, but I'm doing it!" kind of move.

This year, well, I'm a year older and could feel like I've wasted a year but instead I'm thinking of it as an opportunity for a re-do. Last year when I had this spark and feeling of starting off on something new in my life the something new turned out to be a heartbreaking break up, a horrific auto accident, and a dissolving of the relationship with my dad.

It really hit me last night and I'm kind of stuck on this thought. A year gone by and I really am back in the same place. Like a groundhog year.

This year I am in a different place. I've learned a lot. I've healed somewhat. This year I get a big fat DO OVER on the new me. How often do you get this? I feel like the man above is saying, "OK, SS, I watched you struggle... let's try this again."

So....anywho...

Two days to go and Aloha! Peace out.

A hug from my mom

This last week I’ve been CRAVING physical contact with my mom. I’ve tried to connect in a spiritual/mental way, trying to hear her voice in my head and at times feeling that nothing short of being able to touch her will do. At times I almost felt in a panic knowing that I won’t ever be able to get that feeling again, to put my arms around her, to just have her there physically in front of me to touch and hear her laugh. It’s been too long, what if I forget how she feels? What if I forget the sound of her voice? I have a few recording of her. I wish I had saved ever voice mail she left me. I use to laugh listening to the answering machine or voice mail when she’d call back 4 times in a row to say things she forgot the first time. The messages would always start out the same and almost sounded like a re-mix, “Hey kiddo…. “ “Hey kiddo….” “Hey kiddo…” What I wouldn’t do to have those now.


The night before last I had a little breakdown, or it could be called a breakthrough of sorts. I’ve tried to talk to her on occasion but it often doesn’t feel natural. I don’t feel connected to the spirit that I’m trying to have the talk with. I know her spirit is with me always and I know it was her that saved my life as my guardian angel when I was in a really bad car accident this summer. ( I have a visual of her just split seconds before the accident fighting thru the separation between her new world and my world to protect her baby and shield me… she wasn’t a forceful person in general, but don’t mess with the Mama Bear!) Other than in a dream the night before her funeral (which was also my birthday) I’ve never been able to create that feeling of really talking to her. I’ve heard people tell stories of how things have happened and they know their loved one is there or how they hear a voice or feel something that lets them know that spirit is present. I want that. I’ve been trying and asking for that experience. Well, I had it. It wasn’t quite as strong or dramatic as I imagined it, but I felt her. I got a hug from my mom.

I was on the couch watching a woman on TV express how she had been holding on to regrets over things not said when her father passed. It was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Not because I relate to her having regrets, just the opposite. What a gift my mom gave me, she passed leaving me with no regrets. That is two sided, my actions played a part in that as well but she literally told me, “Do not have any regrets. I don’t want you to think you didn’t do enough or help enough”.

I sat on the couch crying and saying “Thank you. Thank you so much for giving that to me.” They were tears that didn’t come from sadness. It was emotion that I felt as overwhelming appreciation and thanks for that gift. As much as I’ve hurt, and sad as I still am that my mom is gone, thank god I don’t live with the burden of regret.

I continued to talk to her, I told her some of the things that I was feeling. With my eyes closed and covered with my hands, I cried and told her I missed her. I also told her I knew I was going to be just fine, but boy wouldn’t it be better if she were still here. I told her about how much fun my Granny and I were having when we spend time together. I even laughed thru my tears with some of the things I had to tell her. And then I got my hug. It’s hard to explain, it wasn’t like a real physical hug, I didn’t feel her arms around me. With my eyes closed and still flowing tears there was a visual of her. I could see me sitting on the couch and her face and somewhat of a form of an upper body where there in front of me. As her arms extended they kind of turned into a foggy mist that started over the top of my head and slowly cascaded down over my shoulders and enveloped me. As this was happening I felt the greatest release of tension in my body. I knew she was there and she was comforting me.

Ehh...whatever

Notes to self

NTS#1:   When you are feeling like this, big time indicator you need to go to the counselor for a tune up

NTS #2:   Realizing that the counselor is going to be more than the "grief" counselor you previously sought out.  As the layers of ick peel back I'm realizing that there are more issues at work here than just the grief.  Kind of like the grief opened up pandora's box.   I'd rather get this figured out now so I can grow.  Don't feel bad little self, they aren't major just the little things and behaviors you have learned over the years that may now be limiting you.

NTS#3 Stop beating yourself up so damn much! Good lawd, nobody expects you to be perfect. They accept you and your warts, why can't you accep them yourself?  What good does it do to keep making yourself feel bad over things that nobody else even cares about?  Get over it, live your life and enjoy it already.

NTS#4:  You were already aware that this was going to be a process and that in the process there would be good patches and bad.   Remember when the bad patches come that they will go away and don't forget that they are getting shorter and shorter in length, fewer and further between and all that good progress stuff.

NTS#5:  It all worked out OK for Bridget Jones in the end, so don't worry.

Two things today...boobies and honesty

The Girls

First, I want to put it out there for all, maybe I can reassure someone at some point down the line.  Mammograms are not as bad as rumored.  Yes, it was uncomfortable but not painful as I have heard it described by some.  Don't let the rumors stop you from getting your on a regular basis when the time comes.  I typically wouldn't have one yet, but because of my mom it's time for me to start.  The picture pretty much sums it up, see...not scary at all.  Took maybe 4 minutes total, tops.

If I can't be honest with myself....

Crazy that I even hesitated to put my feeling into words because I didn't want to go back on something I wrote in a previous post. Really? Lame SS, just lame.  I want this to be partially a journal for myself, I need to be honest with myself.  Like the computer is going to be disappointed in me?  I hate that word; dissapoint.  Hate to feel it, hate others to feel it about me. (that's another blog topic)

After the big revelation about putting the relationship to rest and feeling better when not in contact with the the Ex. Yeah, I heard from him and have been talking to him all week. He contacted me to let me know he had made it safely to his new duty station overseas and give me his contact info. There is a difference this time, at least it feels like it so far. I think my big revelation left me more at peace with letting go and moving on. So RIP to the relationship the way it was, there is still a relationship but I feel different about it now… no expectations, and to me that means no disappointments. I know it will be more difficult staying in contact with him and at some point it will have to come to an end. I can't imagine dating someone new and them being OK with "Oh but he's deployed and I'm just being supportive" when it comes to the man I thought I was going to marry.

I use it as an excuse or as a reason to justify to myself that what I'm doing isn't "bad" for me. I swear I'm saving myself from feeling bad down the line because "I just couldn't live with myself not talking to him knowing that he is getting ready to deploy."  It's coming very soon and right now I don't feel like I can do anything but be supportive, as a friend.

It gets complicated. Talking to him this morning he told me he wanted me to start wearing his ring again. He mentioned it when I went to see him in San Antonio, looked at my hand "where is your ring?" All I could say is "that's not what we are anymore". I wish I had emotion switch to just flick off when necessary (or would that make me a sociopath?...so never mind on that wish)

So self, I'm being honest. Not trying to hide it and act like I've got some superpower to stick to what I've previously expressed or thought. It's OK. It's my feelings, they can be confusing and I don't always know what's best for me. I've decided to not beat myself up over it. It is what it is, that's how I feel, it's authentic.

Make it three things

I would be remiss in not expressing my sincere thoughts and prayers for affected by the tragic events at Ft. Hood.

Project ME!

Forget holding on, forget being sad over things that didn't happen, forget sitting around and feeling like life is just happening to me. I'm really done feeling like that.

The 3.5 years have been one change after another. Some have been good, some have been bad and the last 6 months have really been packed!

I'm going to try and spin this into the positive. I know there will always be tough/sad times in life, but right now I'm turning all that ish into somewhat of a clean slate.

I feel like I have been living my life to please other people. That's just a function of how I grew up... do good, make mom/grandma/family/man proud, get praise, etc etc. etc. I need to revisit the question, "Who am I being good for?" or rather "Who am I living for?" and the answer has got to be a resounding "ME!" Yes, I do thinkg here and there to make myself happy, but this is going to be bigger picture stuff. I need to find my own motivation for accomplishing goals and making my mark in the world. It need not matter if my mom or anyone else is there to say she is proud or uphold a set of rules and expectations for me. I need to be able to do that on my own, to please myself not because that is what mom, dad, granny, friend, or man in my life expects.

I'm a little intimidated because this is new. I've done well in my life but never truly just to please myself. Scary because I think I have higher expectations for myself than anyone else ever could, maybe that's why it was easier to do things to meet their expectations rather than my own. Good lord, what could be worse than disappointing myself? That would suck.

Adding to my description

I have another word to add to my description: AUTHENTIC.

That is how I want to be in all relationships. I've really been evaluating my relationship with the Ex to learn from it. I realized there were a lot of times that I wasn't being the 100% real deal me. I'm all about learning and growing in a relationship but there were times that I was trying to change my personality that weren't about growth, they were about editing who I am. I didn't hide or edit the really important things... I wasn't being a fake person, but I wasn't being authentic. I sometimes felt like a child does with their parent, you want to do well, you want their approval, you don't want to disappoint. Things about me that I knew weren't his "ideal" I would try to minimize. Things like, oh... my sarcasms and potty mouth. Those are the two biggies that I can think of. Do you realize how hard it is to hide sarcasm? I mean, until someone who doesn't care for it starts pointing out how often things come out of your mouth with a sarcastic twist you don't realize how much that really is ingrained into your personality. I'll admit, there were times when I'd say something and not at all intend for it to be sarcastic and it was coming out that way. That was helpful, to be mindful of "tone" so I don't come across sarcastic when that's not what I intend. But let’s be honest here, most of the time I do intend to be sarcastic... that is the AUTHENTIC me.

So I'm expanding that to all aspects of me and my relationships. It is just too tiring trying to edit myself in any relationship.

So here I go


To new beginnings, learning, living, adventures and more words to add to my description!  Oh... hopefully some love too! ;-)