Thursday, April 30, 2009

Ice Cube kind of day

In the immortal words of... "It was a good day".

Feels good to be ammused and non-funky never felt so good! *woot*

Amusing rather than irritating:

My kooky (as in she is loco and irritates the hell out of me) coworker is now convinced that she has to hold on to her 1997 Pontiac Grand Am and it's going to be a collectors item. Discontinued does not a classic make. Pinto anyone?

I almost sent my Amazon order to the ex. *saweet* Other than having to chalk up networking gadget as a loss... sending him a copy of "Bitter is the New Black" would have been kind of embarrassingly funny. At least my girlfriends thought so while peeing their panties laughing at me.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Hitching wagons and it could have been worse...

Thank you Sweet Jesus that I have more than one wagon and I don't hitch them all to the same horse. Had I been the type of woman to hinge all my future plans and goings on the relationship with my ex (one of the particular end of one of the horses) I would be SOL big time. Luckily for me, I'm not that woman.... so only one of my wagons that was hitched to THAT particular horse is left behind. Off I go dragging my other wagons (if I'm going to call myself a horse you can bet I'm the prettiest pony out there!), gonna stop buy and pick up that empty one left on the side of the trail and see what we can fill it with next. Yee Haw.... geddy up and all that good horse talk. *can you tell I did NOT grow up on cowboy country*

Things that could have been worse and other positive notes:

He broke it off BEFORE I packed up and moved. What a disaster that could have been.

I felt loved, I wasn't taken advantage of, I was treated like a very special woman, I was encouraged and praised and all that good stuff. It was a great relationship while it lasted and right up until he chose a poor ending.

At the time we met I needed to have joy and hope and positive things to help get me thru a difficult loss. I really do believe he was sent for a reason.

Lessons learned always have some future benefit.


I have all these frequent flier miles (thanks for the tickets!) and will use them to go somewhere fabulous and in first class. Maybe Hawaii WITH OUT you is just what the Dr. (heh heh... there is a pun there) ordered!

And I'm going to enjoy my pretty diamond ring regardless. *plbbbbb* :-P

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Hello...Rational Side...are you out there? I need you.

Feeling random uncontrollably emotional is hard for a rational person like myself. It's felt pretty darn good to let myself rant and ramble somewhere other than just in my own head space. Throwing caution to the wind is part of what got me in this current situation. If I hadn't taken a chance on love and kept trying to protect myself from getting hurt there are a lot of good things I wouldn't have experienced in this last relationship.... that also makes it all the much harder to let go. It's a vicious cycle.

Most of the time, I like it when Rational Side shows up. It may have prevented me from having a little fun and excitement at times, but the flip side to that it has also prevented me from doing even more things the hard way.

Rational Side reminded me of a few things, I need that.

I haven't tipped the scale, I do realize the following:

The phone calls that I have the urge to make to the ex wouldn't do anything but make me feel worse. 1. I don't think he would answer. 2. If he did, what would I even say? 3. It wouldn't change anything, heart would still be broken when the call ended. Reminder to self: When I have that urge to call it's not because I want to talk to him NOW, it's me wanting for things to be like they were and have a "normal" conversation like we use to. *not going to happen*

My Ego is bruised a bit and of course I think he made a mistake and will never meet another woman like me (which is absolutely true). I'm not an ego maniac. I know I'm not perfect. I also know that sometimes no matter how great the people are individually things just don't work out. Not everyone that I think I'm good for agrees.

Rational Side also tells me that although we haven't had any contact, he hasn't reached out to see how I'm doing or any of that. There is no way that he has gone thru these last weeks w/o a single thought of me. There is part of him that hurts at least a bit and is sad about things not working out and he hasn't just walked away without a thought. Some may say this is Rational Side protecting the ego, but I don't think so.

Rational Side reminded me that with all the good, there were also things that I was going to be compromising on that weren't horrible, but it's not such a bad thing that I won't have to make those compromises anymore.

Most of all, I know that I am not the controller of the master plan. Who knows when it will be revealed to me but SOMEDAY (I would love for that to be sooner rather than later) it will be revealed to me and I'll have one of those moments... "Oh, OK, I see why that didn't work out".

Monday, April 27, 2009

No more polite

So all signs are starting to point toward the anger phase. Yeah, it might just be PMS but I really don't think so. And sometimes swearing just makes me feel better.

Shit happens in relationships, but damn it, I'm starting to get really effin pissed of at this situation.

I'm pissed off because I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of thinking of all the upcoming plans that are no longer in my life, I'm tired of going to reach for the phone and remember I can't make that call.

I'm pissed off because I was looking forward to our trip to the coast.

I'm pissed off because I thought "this was it".

I'm pissed off becuase I really liked your family and wanted to spend more holidays with them.

I'm mad as hell becuase I want to act in ways that would be oh so evil and temporarily satisfying but I won't go there and it takes up a lot of my energy to supress all this crap.

I'm pissed off because how to you spoil a girl on valentines day, buy her a ring, talk about your future together, bug her about moving, tell her how much you are ready to settle down and all that one minute and the next say you aren't ready to get married, you aren't sure if things would work out in the long run. Save everyone some drama and speak the truth from the beginning.

My Ego is pissed off at you because how the hell can you walk away from us like you just flipped a switch and don't give a damn. Your mistake.

And I'm angry at you for not being the man that I thought you were, the man that you portrayed yourself to be.

Fuck you for breaking my heart.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Grannies say the darndest things

My 89 year old Gran is the light of my life. What a card this old lady is. I got a good dose of exactly what I needed while visiting her this weekend. I'm glad she is only a reasonable road trip away.

Advice on road trips:
"Now don't go picking anyone up. You know, those.... uh.... hoodlums.... oh what do they call them? You know, they started down in California and came up here.. in those gangs." (said as a matter of fact, not a question) Gang bangers is the term Gran was looking for. I am not to pick up any hitch hiking gang bangers. Because there are a lot of them hitch hiking between Seattle and the more sparsely populated other side of the state?

Advice on relationships:
When telling her about the ring I got for Valentines day, "Well yeah, they want to lock it down early" Did my Gran really just say "lock it down"?!? *peeing*

My Auntie had broken the news to Granny about the break up, so I didn't have to and Granny was really great. Gave me a hug, said she was sorry and left it at that. I love hers.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

My Heart is Heavy Today

It's only been a short while that I've had to adjust to the changes in my life after the break up. I know I want to rush past this hurting part and I've been trying to stay distracted or occupied with other thoughts. Some days that works and others it doesn't. Um, yeah, more that three weeks will be required to heal. *darn it*

Yesterday was a good day, today is a little harder.

This relationship was a big deal to me. Bigger than any other I've had. This was the man I was going to marry. We were planning a future together and because of the nature of his job (military) was going to require a lot of changes on my part. I'd already gotten a taste of what it might be like just by the unexpected events that had happened so far in our relationship and his career. I had let those swirl and bubble around in my brain and I was ready to make that commitment. I was picturing our family. I was ready for a change. I was ready for a move. I was ready for a new adventure.

I got my new adventure, it just wasn't the one I was expecting. I hate this shit. *sigh*

Going to visit my Granny and Auntie this weekend. Will have to break the news to them. Suck. They were really happy for me. I don't want to tell them. I don't want my Granny to worry about me. Ever since my mom passed she has taken it upon herself to "take care of her little girl". Double triple suck.

I'm out.

I think this is pretty polite for sh*it that I want to get off my chest

Dear TheManIThoughWasGrownEnoughToTakeYourLumps,

You didn't give me the opportunity to talk to you in person and get some of this off my mind, but I need to say it so I can let it go.

I can't fault someone for ending a relationship that they don't want to be in, but your delivery was really poor. It wasn't like we had just gone on a couple of dates, we had a committed loving relationship for a year and a half. I deserved more consideration than over the phone in the middle of the work day, I think you know this. I never would have expected that from the man I thought I knew. You sounded so flat and cold, it was hard to believe that I was actually talking to the same person. When I got your message later that day, I felt some relief to hear your voice, the voice that was familiar to me, that sounded concerned and contained emotion. I'm not sure why you left that message begging me to return your call if you never intended to actually pick up when I called back or return my call. I'm still in shock and really confused over what happened.

To say the least, I was surprised to find out how you felt or were feeling about our relationship. The things that you said to me were completely 100% contrary to your words and your actions. I wish you had spoken to me more about your true feelings so I had a realistic idea of where we stood. That wasn't fair. Our relationship was an important part of my life and I took it seriously. I thought we felt the same about each other and were looking for a long term relationship....for gods sake, it was YOU that initiated the future talk and wanted me to move and us to start out life together. Now I'm left sitting here with a broken heart to work on healing, wondering what in the world happened, were things between us really so different than I thought? And no final conversation to ask questions or get some sort of closure. I always thought that was kind of a corny word, people talking about needing closure, but now I understand what they mean. To add to the hurt, it seems that you have been able walk away without a thought or giving me the consideration of being able to say this in person.

It hard to believe that it's done. Something and someone that was part of my daily life is just gone.

I do believe that there is a bigger plan at work here, something in store for my life that I don't yet understand, and I do believe that you were a part of my life for a reason. There was a lot of joy and hope brought to my life at a time I needed it, I think that is why it was so disappointing that it ended on such a sour note.

Take from this what you will, it was just something I needed to get out and feel that I've said my peace.

Sincerely - TheWomanYouCan'tGetBack

I've been wanting to say this for 2-plus weeks. The first week I thought I might be given the opportunity to say it in person. Now, not so much. f*cker.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009 introduction

I was so eager to let go of some words and frustrations that I didn't start at the beginning.

There is more to my 37 years than the end of my recent relationship. *whew* And where the heck did all that time go? 37 years, really?

Other things going on in my life:

I'm working on finishing the application process for graduate school.  I plan on starting in the fall and at the same time I'll start taking the various parts of the CPA exam.  Part of this involves me coming up with a scheme so I don't have to work full time and that will allow me to finish my MPA in one year rather than two. 

Putting my fitness back to the top of my priority list.  I had reasons for days that ended me up 1.5 years older and 20lbs heavier.   I've had a couple of  little road bumps but I'm re-dedicated to my health.

I love living in the Northwest.. most of the year.  Our state is beautiful. When I travel I love coming home to the familiar scenery. I am getting less and less tolerant of the cold damp fall/winter/spring season we have. I would not mind at all living somewhere warm and sunny. I have two very dear friends that would not mind at all if I moved to So.Cal.

I am an advocate and volunteer for the "Breast Cancer" cause. Specifically I do volunteer work for Susan G. Komen for the Cure, Puget Sound chapter. I lost my mother to breast cancer in October of 2007 when she was only 53 years old. Cancer sucks. period. Ladies... check yourselves! Literally.

I'm not good at describing myself, I always wonder how friends would describe me. Maybe my one friend that knows I'm doing this can comment. lol. Friend.. you out there?


Yes, right now I'm a woman with a freshly broken heart.

No, I'm not bitter.

Yes, I'm still hurting.

No, it wasn't a bad relationship... just poor delivery of an unexpected ending.

Yes, I know that I'm not the only one who has been thru a break up.

No, I don't want to be smothered with rainbows and sunshine right now.

Yes, I do have happy moments every day but let me go thru this process and get out the ick.

I'm feeling the need to get some sh*t off my chest... an opportunity I wasn't allowed to have in person, or even over the phone.

So there is the warning. Over the next couple of weeks the blog world is going to be subjected to the things I wanted to say to the ex but didn't because he didn't want to be a grown up and take his lumps.

Test test.... is this thing on?

I don't imagine there is anyone that will be reading my blog at this point. But if you stumble into it... hello! Not sure how you got to my blog, but thanks for stopping by.

Post #1 and I'm going to get out a lot of qualifications. I expect that bloggers know exactly what blogging is all about and that's exactly why I'm here. I see it as a place to get things out in the open, share thoughts, put out there whatever it is that I want to put out for the world to see. When I first started reading blogs (less than a year ago) I was surprised at how comforting it was to read about peoples lives that were in similar situations as myself. "Hey, wow, I'm not the only one...." It helped me to adjust to what was going on in my life at the time. I don't expect to be profound, I doubt that I'll write anything super witty and clever. (But catch me in person and I often think I'm hi-lar-i-ous) Like others I've read, this blog is sprouting from one of those times in life where I've hit and unexpected BIG FAT detour sign as I was buzzing down the road toward what I thought my future would be. A not so gentle reminder that I'm not the one that controls the big picture of my life. There is a different plan out there for me, and *ouch* thanks for the reminder.

It's me. My thoughts. My venting. My ranting. My questioning. My opinions. So here it goes, I'm going to try and be a blogger... hope it helps!

- S

P.S. If any experienced bloggers read this... any suggestions, hints, "rules", anything helpful you wish to share would be appreciated.