Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Hello...Rational Side...are you out there? I need you.

Feeling random uncontrollably emotional is hard for a rational person like myself. It's felt pretty darn good to let myself rant and ramble somewhere other than just in my own head space. Throwing caution to the wind is part of what got me in this current situation. If I hadn't taken a chance on love and kept trying to protect myself from getting hurt there are a lot of good things I wouldn't have experienced in this last relationship.... that also makes it all the much harder to let go. It's a vicious cycle.

Most of the time, I like it when Rational Side shows up. It may have prevented me from having a little fun and excitement at times, but the flip side to that it has also prevented me from doing even more things the hard way.

Rational Side reminded me of a few things, I need that.

I haven't tipped the scale, I do realize the following:

The phone calls that I have the urge to make to the ex wouldn't do anything but make me feel worse. 1. I don't think he would answer. 2. If he did, what would I even say? 3. It wouldn't change anything, heart would still be broken when the call ended. Reminder to self: When I have that urge to call it's not because I want to talk to him NOW, it's me wanting for things to be like they were and have a "normal" conversation like we use to. *not going to happen*

My Ego is bruised a bit and of course I think he made a mistake and will never meet another woman like me (which is absolutely true). I'm not an ego maniac. I know I'm not perfect. I also know that sometimes no matter how great the people are individually things just don't work out. Not everyone that I think I'm good for agrees.

Rational Side also tells me that although we haven't had any contact, he hasn't reached out to see how I'm doing or any of that. There is no way that he has gone thru these last weeks w/o a single thought of me. There is part of him that hurts at least a bit and is sad about things not working out and he hasn't just walked away without a thought. Some may say this is Rational Side protecting the ego, but I don't think so.

Rational Side reminded me that with all the good, there were also things that I was going to be compromising on that weren't horrible, but it's not such a bad thing that I won't have to make those compromises anymore.

Most of all, I know that I am not the controller of the master plan. Who knows when it will be revealed to me but SOMEDAY (I would love for that to be sooner rather than later) it will be revealed to me and I'll have one of those moments... "Oh, OK, I see why that didn't work out".


Your Girl Leah said...

You have always had such a strong Rational Side, and I really admire how you can balance the emotions with the probable truths. I just sometimes think that when we are only listening to the emotional side, we can get so hard on ourselves. Our emotions aren't very good about keeping perspective. :)