Thursday, March 18, 2010

What a difference a day makes!

Yesterday my plane tickets were taking me to the Heartland.

Today I'm feeling more Tropical Island!

Of course it's a long story, the short story:

An early R&R had me heading to the Heartland next week to spend time with the Ex. I don't know why I kept expecting any different, but to keep it short I will just say I believed his words (with just enough action to back it up) and was yet again setting myself up for disappointment.

This time is different.  It's hard to admit it. It hurts to admit it. This relationship is just flat out over. I knew it all along deep down inside but it was just to painful to deal with the truth. It was also too hard to admit that I had been a fool for love. I let myself get strung along. It was hard for me to understand how someone that I loved could do that and even harder to admit that I didn't stand up for myself and let it happen.

The turmoil is over
I don't know why I fought against what I knew deep down inside all year long. Maybe it was because I couldn't stand the thought of losing yet something else in my life. I was clinging to the idea of what I thought I had and the life I had been building with this man.

I've been here before. This is a pattern, me hanging on even when I know it's not right. This will be something to explore with my counselor. I want to know why I do this and how to change it. I thought I was already there but I'm obviously not.

Here is the kicker

This is exactly where I was last year. Yes, this same time last year I had booked a last minute "graduation" trip for myself to a Tropical Pacific Island as a "this is the kind of thing I don't do, have never done, but I'm doing it!" kind of move.

This year, well, I'm a year older and could feel like I've wasted a year but instead I'm thinking of it as an opportunity for a re-do. Last year when I had this spark and feeling of starting off on something new in my life the something new turned out to be a heartbreaking break up, a horrific auto accident, and a dissolving of the relationship with my dad.

It really hit me last night and I'm kind of stuck on this thought. A year gone by and I really am back in the same place. Like a groundhog year.

This year I am in a different place. I've learned a lot. I've healed somewhat. This year I get a big fat DO OVER on the new me. How often do you get this? I feel like the man above is saying, "OK, SS, I watched you struggle... let's try this again."


Two days to go and Aloha! Peace out.