First, I want to put it out there for all, maybe I can reassure someone at some point down the line. Mammograms are not as bad as rumored. Yes, it was uncomfortable but not painful as I have heard it described by some. Don't let the rumors stop you from getting your on a regular basis when the time comes. I typically wouldn't have one yet, but because of my mom it's time for me to start. The picture pretty much sums it up, see...not scary at all. Took maybe 4 minutes total, tops.
If I can't be honest with myself....
Crazy that I even hesitated to put my feeling into words because I didn't want to go back on something I wrote in a previous post. Really? Lame SS, just lame. I want this to be partially a journal for myself, I need to be honest with myself. Like the computer is going to be disappointed in me? I hate that word; dissapoint. Hate to feel it, hate others to feel it about me. (that's another blog topic)
After the big revelation about putting the relationship to rest and feeling better when not in contact with the the Ex. Yeah, I heard from him and have been talking to him all week. He contacted me to let me know he had made it safely to his new duty station overseas and give me his contact info. There is a difference this time, at least it feels like it so far. I think my big revelation left me more at peace with letting go and moving on. So RIP to the relationship the way it was, there is still a relationship but I feel different about it now… no expectations, and to me that means no disappointments. I know it will be more difficult staying in contact with him and at some point it will have to come to an end. I can't imagine dating someone new and them being OK with "Oh but he's deployed and I'm just being supportive" when it comes to the man I thought I was going to marry.
I use it as an excuse or as a reason to justify to myself that what I'm doing isn't "bad" for me. I swear I'm saving myself from feeling bad down the line because "I just couldn't live with myself not talking to him knowing that he is getting ready to deploy." It's coming very soon and right now I don't feel like I can do anything but be supportive, as a friend.
It gets complicated. Talking to him this morning he told me he wanted me to start wearing his ring again. He mentioned it when I went to see him in San Antonio, looked at my hand "where is your ring?" All I could say is "that's not what we are anymore". I wish I had emotion switch to just flick off when necessary (or would that make me a sociopath?...so never mind on that wish)
So self, I'm being honest. Not trying to hide it and act like I've got some superpower to stick to what I've previously expressed or thought. It's OK. It's my feelings, they can be confusing and I don't always know what's best for me. I've decided to not beat myself up over it. It is what it is, that's how I feel, it's authentic.
Make it three things
I would be remiss in not expressing my sincere thoughts and prayers for affected by the tragic events at Ft. Hood.