Thursday, February 4, 2010

A hug from my mom

This last week I’ve been CRAVING physical contact with my mom. I’ve tried to connect in a spiritual/mental way, trying to hear her voice in my head and at times feeling that nothing short of being able to touch her will do. At times I almost felt in a panic knowing that I won’t ever be able to get that feeling again, to put my arms around her, to just have her there physically in front of me to touch and hear her laugh. It’s been too long, what if I forget how she feels? What if I forget the sound of her voice? I have a few recording of her. I wish I had saved ever voice mail she left me. I use to laugh listening to the answering machine or voice mail when she’d call back 4 times in a row to say things she forgot the first time. The messages would always start out the same and almost sounded like a re-mix, “Hey kiddo…. “ “Hey kiddo….” “Hey kiddo…” What I wouldn’t do to have those now.

The night before last I had a little breakdown, or it could be called a breakthrough of sorts. I’ve tried to talk to her on occasion but it often doesn’t feel natural. I don’t feel connected to the spirit that I’m trying to have the talk with. I know her spirit is with me always and I know it was her that saved my life as my guardian angel when I was in a really bad car accident this summer. ( I have a visual of her just split seconds before the accident fighting thru the separation between her new world and my world to protect her baby and shield me… she wasn’t a forceful person in general, but don’t mess with the Mama Bear!) Other than in a dream the night before her funeral (which was also my birthday) I’ve never been able to create that feeling of really talking to her. I’ve heard people tell stories of how things have happened and they know their loved one is there or how they hear a voice or feel something that lets them know that spirit is present. I want that. I’ve been trying and asking for that experience. Well, I had it. It wasn’t quite as strong or dramatic as I imagined it, but I felt her. I got a hug from my mom.

I was on the couch watching a woman on TV express how she had been holding on to regrets over things not said when her father passed. It was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Not because I relate to her having regrets, just the opposite. What a gift my mom gave me, she passed leaving me with no regrets. That is two sided, my actions played a part in that as well but she literally told me, “Do not have any regrets. I don’t want you to think you didn’t do enough or help enough”.

I sat on the couch crying and saying “Thank you. Thank you so much for giving that to me.” They were tears that didn’t come from sadness. It was emotion that I felt as overwhelming appreciation and thanks for that gift. As much as I’ve hurt, and sad as I still am that my mom is gone, thank god I don’t live with the burden of regret.

I continued to talk to her, I told her some of the things that I was feeling. With my eyes closed and covered with my hands, I cried and told her I missed her. I also told her I knew I was going to be just fine, but boy wouldn’t it be better if she were still here. I told her about how much fun my Granny and I were having when we spend time together. I even laughed thru my tears with some of the things I had to tell her. And then I got my hug. It’s hard to explain, it wasn’t like a real physical hug, I didn’t feel her arms around me. With my eyes closed and still flowing tears there was a visual of her. I could see me sitting on the couch and her face and somewhat of a form of an upper body where there in front of me. As her arms extended they kind of turned into a foggy mist that started over the top of my head and slowly cascaded down over my shoulders and enveloped me. As this was happening I felt the greatest release of tension in my body. I knew she was there and she was comforting me.


Danielle said...

It must be so hard. I am sorry and happy that you got your hug.

New Girl on Post said...

I honestly have no idea what that would even be like and I'm sorry that you do have to deal with this.

BUT, I am so glad that you felt that release and felt like she was comforting you, I'm sure that was a great gift to you.

Crazy Shenanigans said...

I'm sorry you were having a rough time this week. I'm so close to my mother so I can't even imagine what it would be like.

T said...

Aw! So glad you still feel her.

My dad is still with me too. It feels good.