Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Project ME!

Forget holding on, forget being sad over things that didn't happen, forget sitting around and feeling like life is just happening to me. I'm really done feeling like that.

The 3.5 years have been one change after another. Some have been good, some have been bad and the last 6 months have really been packed!

I'm going to try and spin this into the positive. I know there will always be tough/sad times in life, but right now I'm turning all that ish into somewhat of a clean slate.

I feel like I have been living my life to please other people. That's just a function of how I grew up... do good, make mom/grandma/family/man proud, get praise, etc etc. etc. I need to revisit the question, "Who am I being good for?" or rather "Who am I living for?" and the answer has got to be a resounding "ME!" Yes, I do thinkg here and there to make myself happy, but this is going to be bigger picture stuff. I need to find my own motivation for accomplishing goals and making my mark in the world. It need not matter if my mom or anyone else is there to say she is proud or uphold a set of rules and expectations for me. I need to be able to do that on my own, to please myself not because that is what mom, dad, granny, friend, or man in my life expects.

I'm a little intimidated because this is new. I've done well in my life but never truly just to please myself. Scary because I think I have higher expectations for myself than anyone else ever could, maybe that's why it was easier to do things to meet their expectations rather than my own. Good lord, what could be worse than disappointing myself? That would suck.

Adding to my description

I have another word to add to my description: AUTHENTIC.

That is how I want to be in all relationships. I've really been evaluating my relationship with the Ex to learn from it. I realized there were a lot of times that I wasn't being the 100% real deal me. I'm all about learning and growing in a relationship but there were times that I was trying to change my personality that weren't about growth, they were about editing who I am. I didn't hide or edit the really important things... I wasn't being a fake person, but I wasn't being authentic. I sometimes felt like a child does with their parent, you want to do well, you want their approval, you don't want to disappoint. Things about me that I knew weren't his "ideal" I would try to minimize. Things like, oh... my sarcasms and potty mouth. Those are the two biggies that I can think of. Do you realize how hard it is to hide sarcasm? I mean, until someone who doesn't care for it starts pointing out how often things come out of your mouth with a sarcastic twist you don't realize how much that really is ingrained into your personality. I'll admit, there were times when I'd say something and not at all intend for it to be sarcastic and it was coming out that way. That was helpful, to be mindful of "tone" so I don't come across sarcastic when that's not what I intend. But let’s be honest here, most of the time I do intend to be sarcastic... that is the AUTHENTIC me.

So I'm expanding that to all aspects of me and my relationships. It is just too tiring trying to edit myself in any relationship.

So here I go

To new beginnings, learning, living, adventures and more words to add to my description!  Oh... hopefully some love too! ;-)


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Crazy Shenanigans said...

Yay! I'm glad you know what you want to do!