Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Ouch that hurt...

Have you ever rubbed salt in your own wound? If not, I don't recommend it... apparently I couldn't help myself and gave it a try.

I said my final goodbye to the Ex this weekend. Let me correct that, I couldn't actually bring myself to say the words "good bye". With him leaving and shortly to deploy those words couldn't come out of my mouth, it sounded too final for me to feel comfortable saying.

The weekend was bitter sweet. We didn't talk about anything serious or our situaiton until the end. He did try to bring it up once and I brushed it off. We were enjoying a loverly day out at the lake and I just couldn't ruin that with a serious relationship conversation.

That was the salt. I was soaking in ever bit of good times we were having and that just made the parting worse. Even so, if I to do the weekend all over again I wouldn't have changed anything. We had fun times with dinner and drinks and a relaxing day out on the boat (*sniff* I'll miss her too!) AND I played my first 9 holes on a full blown golf course. Yup yup. Moved up from the driving range and Par 3 courses.

Anyway. The time came to get ready to go and I was so so so close to pulling my usual "try and avoid the pain at all costs" maneuver and give in to a compromise and relationship situation that I know would leave me feeling miserable and unfullfilled. But I didn't. I knew it was going to hurt and I dove in anyway.  In this respect I feel that I've grown and in the long run this will be better for me.   Kind of like ripping the band aid and getting it all over quickly rather than drawing things out over the next year and reaching the same conclusion.

I started the dreaded conversation, and it ended with us both coming to the conclusion that if things aren't solid between us now having a relationship with him overseas and deployed just isn't possible.  His solution is that we "remain friends".  *eyes rolling out of my head cross the floor out the door across the street...*  Parts of it got a little icky.   I told him what it was I had needed and wanted to hear to feel the reassurance from him that he was serious and really wanted us to be together..... inside I was damn near begging for him to turn around and say back to me the words that I just told him I needed to hear. He didn't. He went back to say things like "I told you when we started talking again what I wanted." Boy, that sure holds a lot of passion and really makes me feel like you want it. *not* I got accused of not being understanding regarding his circumstances and that me expecting him to have been able to come up with a weekend for us to talk prior to now just wasn't possible. *again not true*

OK, so sparing futher stooopid details about a conversation that is over and done with. We went in to the airport, got me checked in and stood at security with me crying my eyes out, him trying to wipe my tears, me not being able to say good bye and telling him to take care of himself, be safe and all of that.

It was the worst plane ride ever. Crazy lady with the not-so-cute puffy crying eyes and snotty nose walking thru the airports on her way home from the last visit she will have with the man she thought she was going to marry.

Suck x 100.

2 comments:

Crazy Shenanigans said...

Oh girl. I'm glad that you went because if you hadn't you would have always wondered. Now you know that it was at least a good time and that he may really care for you. I say just be friends and continue to talk to him when he gets ahold of you. When he gets back from the deployment you never know....

T said...

:(

*sigh*

I'm glad you were able to have some sort of closure through this. I still doubt it will be the last time you will hear from him. Though some space, 6000 miles of it apparently, might be exactly what you need until that happens again.

((Ginormous hugs))

That's big time suck.

Now... make yourself a vision board and create a vision of the man you WILL marry.

:)