Tuesday, September 22, 2009

New tools for the box

OK,so that sounds a little more suggestive than it should.  But that's not a bad ider either. *ummmmm*

I needed my counselor to tell me that my weepy mood as of late is normal.  I'm scared to death of getting stuck in that weepy place so some stress and anxiety are immediately taken away when I'm told it is normal and will pass.  Still feels sucky in the mean time, but I know it will go away again just like it did last spring.

I don't like to hear about or face how much loss and trauma I've gone thru in such a short period of time.  I want to act like it's no big thing, water off a ducks back.   I feel a bit guilty even saying I'm having a tough time when there are people out there that have lost even more than I have.   I needed permission to feel bad.  Crazy as that sounds.  I need someone to remind me that I am human and it does hurt and it's a lot to handle in a short period of time.  It is OK to acknowledge all that, no guilt necessary.

So here it is.  I'm not whining. I'm not looking for pity.  I'm not in a place of "poor me".  I'm not feeling guilty. These are just the facts.

The last two years:
I lost my mom to breast cancer
I lost my dad (step-dad of 24 years) to his own grief
I lost my family as I knew it (we do seem to be pulling ourselves back together. thank god)
I lost my love
I lost the life I thought I was heading toward
And while all this was going on, lets throw in being involved in a fatality car accident this summer.

I'm going to feel lost.  I'm going to be sad.  I feel like I have no control.  I'm desperate for control.  I can't control any of those things that happened, I just need to figure out a way to process it and deal with it at it comes.

I have some new tools to work with.  We worked out an approach so I can feel like I have some control while at the same time allowing my feelings to come out and deal with them as they do.  Structure is good for me right now, that helps to self sooth, satisfies that need for control.  Within that structure I give myself time each day for the weepys, the sad, whatever it is that needs to get out.   I don't need to figure out and recreate my entire life and goals and the path I want to take right this minute. As much as I want to feel that level of control it's unrealistic and actually rather overwhelming to try and get a grasp on all at once.  Those options and opportunities will be there in a few weeks after I've gone thru this rough patch.

So the tools for right now are:

  • Structure with time given daily to go thru the emotions
  • Finding a class or hobby that has to do with creativity and tapping into that side of my brain
  • Reclaiming my house and making it my comfort zone again.  It is currently filled with boxes of my mom's possessions and a sorting project that is just too overwhelming right now.  That all is going to a storage locker until I feel I want to tackle it.
  • Movies.  Yes!  Movies. Funny ones.  Something to get me out of my own head space and focusing on someone elses story.
  • Celebrate my life... aka my birthday.
 Time for a nap.


Sara said...

I'm glad you feel like you're getting the help you need. Sometimes I could really just use someone to talk to. I'm going crazy sometimes.

You have dealt with so much. How did I miss the crash fatality?

Crazy Shenanigans said...

I think those are all great things to do.