Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Pour Your Heart Out: I'm Lost

I'm afraid to admit this because it is contrary to a lot of the words I would use to describe myself.  I think I'm a resilient, strong, intelligent, independent woman.  I've got my life together, got my education, have a job, have pocket change, and it looks like I'm doing OK.

I feel like a lost little child with nobody to guide me.

I don't feel like I've fully learned how to do things for ME.   Follow MY dreams.   To please ME.  To be proud of MYSELF.

Why can't I motivate myself to do things for just me?  Why do I feel so stuck without external motivation?  Why do I need to be trying to make someone else proud and get their praise as motivation to do anything?

Yes, finishing my degree was important to me and I was proud of myself but honestly my main motivation was making my mom and my family proud of me. With out that, I don't know that I would have ever finished.

Yes, I accomplished some big fitness and health goals and it made me feel good but what motivated me to take it to the next level was to show someone else what I could do.  Fitness was important to them and although it was awesome to see what I could push myself to do, if I didn't have that other external source of motivation and receiving the praise from someone for my accomplishment... I don't think I would have done it.  I wouldn't have done it simple for ME and to make ME proud.

This has all happened fairly quickly.  Over the last 3.5 years I no longer have parents to please, I no longer have a partner as a source of motivation and making me "want to be a better woman".  Nobody to look to for that external praise that makes me want to do more and do better and I don't know what to do with myself.

I'm great at taking a supporting roll.  I actually like that, it's what I do well and I get satisfaction out of it but here I am having just lost that roll.  The future I saw with my Ex and my roll in that future was what made me feel grounded and useful.  I had a purpose.

Now I have nothing stopping me from doing whatever I want.  And I don't know what to do with myself. 

I am afraid I'm going to do nothing.


Danielle said...

No matter who you did all of that stuff for, it is more than most people do and you should be proud of yourself.
I don't have a degree and I haven't done some of your fitness stuff.
Next, think about the Future. If you need that motivation, imagine the man that you want to come into your life and do it for him. Be the best you can be for that "guy". Guess what? It can only better you! You will feel better when you are doing things that help you. It doesn't matter who you are actually doing it for.
Keep going, you have a great motivator. You and me!!!!

Shell said...

I hope you can figure out what you want to do and find the motivation to do it!

Mich said...

I know what you mean about motivation. I can't seem to find any either. And it sucks. Because I have a husband and 3 kids that I'm supposed to have that motivation for. But I don't have it. And I don't know where to find it. I REALLY wish I did. If you find YOURS, please send any extras my way!
Good luck finding yours. You'll find it. I'm sure of it!

T said...

Yep, I agree with Danielle. Make a list of what you'd like the next partner in your life to be like, what you'd like your relationship to be like, the things you'd do together... Then you have to BE that list!

Go to and see if there are local groups that do anything interesting to you. Perhaps there's an interest you've not pursued yet. You'll meet new people & enjoy a new hobby.

Other than that, just enjoy & gave gratitude for where you are in your life. You have the freedom to be whomever you want to be! No need to worry about who that is yet. You're still getting over the lost identity of who you thought you'd be. Be gentle on yourself.

Crazy Shenanigans-JMO said...

I think everyone has kinda felt like this at one point. I'm sure that something will come along that will motivate you.

My Army Brats and Me said...

email me your address so I can send you my shirt, bracelet and ring:) hope you are well.


ShUjA said...

it your life make it large!!!!