Thursday, October 1, 2009

So I can read at a later date

Writing a reminder to myself that the sad spurts or feeling lonely are temporary and if I just remember to use my tools it's way manageable.

NOTE TO SELF: Remember that feeling blue is not permanent and it's a completely normal part of coping with loss. You have the tools to manage it, let it out in pieces and the end is near.

I think this will apply across the board at various times in my life for various challenging events; tackled correctly it's manageable. Might hurt, probably sucks, most likely stressful, but it can be handled.

Big accomplishment over the weekend. I got those boxes of memories, memorabilia, trinkets and what not out of my house and into storage. Wow. What a refreshing feeling to have hallways not lined with items for Goodwill and to have a dining room that isn't filled with boxes and old furniture. A.W.E.S.O.M.E

I planned to give myself time each evening to sit and reflect and be sad about the sad things, cry if needed. Guess what, I didn't even need it for the first two days. I really didn't need it but once or twice and the tears came and went, not while driving to work, not while sitting at my desk or at the "wrong" time. It made me feel like I wasn't out of control. A.W.E.S.O.M.E #2

I've been thinking bout what kind of class to take, so that part of my to do list is still in progress but I'm looking forward to having something on the agenda. I'm thinking some cooking classes.


Moi?  Needing control?  No way..... 

When I've been hit with these patches of grief and sadness my own fears turn into anxiety and make it worse. I never thought of myself as having anxiety "issues". I'm not high strung, pretty mellow actually. I kept hearing my counselor talking about how my fear of the unknown or fear of not being able to control the grief process was a big source of my anxiety. *?* "But I don't feel like I have anxiety". So I'm not a visible walking bundle of nerves. I internalize it. When it does happen, like when I start to feel I'm in a weepy phase and get scared I won't pull out and end up in some dark hole of depression (yeah that's really how I feel and it scares me to death), that fear feeds anxiety and just spirals the whole process.

The distractions so I don't sit there in my own head and think too much, combined with scheduling down times for me to go thru the sadness sooth me. It gives me a feeling of being in control over what is happening and how I'm feeling. I like it. It makes it feel manageable. A.W.E.S.O.M.E #3.

This all has been a completely new experience for me. As I have mentioned before, I've been very blessed in life to not have had to tackle hardships or much loss up until this point. Learning how to manage all of this has been very empowering.


T said...

You GO girl.

I am very proud of you. You sound like you're taking the grief each day as it comes and dealing with it instead of pushing it back down.

Very healthy. You're rocking this. Keep on going. The only way through it is... well, through it!

Crazy Shenanigans said...

You are rocking it!