Tuesday, October 20, 2009

APB: Have you seen my Happy?

You may not want to read this: This is a major "note to self" random questions while I'm trying to figure out WTF is going on in my head kind of post, so nothing too informative or interesting for most.

I have flat out forgotten what makes me happy.

How the hell did this happen? How did I end up someone who only has happy moments but has completely lost track of overall joyful life, feeling passion, when I'm feeling blue I can do (choose from the things that make me happy list) and it make me feel better, down to my core happy peaceful state of mind.

I'm afraid that my brain has had too much time dealing with loss and tragic stuff over the last couple of years that it's been permanently rewired to operate in this mode.

I can't fucking figure out who I am and what will get me out of this state of mind.

Gawd, this is so frustrating. This isn't me, this isn't who I am.

Or have I been tricking myself? I didn't think I was dependent on outside things/relationships to define who I was and what my life was about.... but wholly shit, a lot of external things/relationships went bye bye and now I'm standing here with this blank look on my face, big blinking eyes full of confusion and I don't know what direction to go. Without that outside stuff helping to guide my decisions and helping me pick my direction I'm like a little lost kid.

Reality check
I had one major thing I had been holding on to as my "happy" and hope in life and it's gone too.   I've spent the last 6 months really struggling to find my way without it.   I've been trying really hard at parts of it.  The other part I think I've been self sabotaging.  I've been trying to hold on to that last realtionship like it was some kind of life preserver.   And who doesn't reach out for that life preserver when it's thrown their way?  It's felt like a break in the struggle, a temporary relief.  Every time I've grabbed it, I know it's only temporary relief.  Why do I do it?  I know I can swim (sticking with the analogy), in fact I'm a strong swimmer.  One thing is missing... I can't see the land and I don't know what direction to swim!

Who ever knew that having this huge blank slate of a life would be so overwhelming? I can write my story from here on out how I choose, I don't have anybody's rules (I said rules, not laws) to live by, nobody with any expectations of me, nobody dependant on me. This should be feeling carefree and like some big fat opportunity to do whatever I want, but I don't know what I want and it's really rather overwhelming.


Crazy Shenanigans said...

When my first long term and serious relationship ended ( I was in college) I forgot how to be happy. You just have to bury yourself around friends and family and eventually you find the happy again.

T said...

Swimming... life preserver... Yeah, I used these analogies myself.

Its the land that will give you that sense of joy and comfort again. Its your land that you're missing.

Except, its not missing, you've just buried it beneath lots of stuff that you "thought" you needed.

Look around you at all you have to be grateful for. Close your eyes and feel all the love in your life, in its many forms.

There's your happy.


SS said...

Yes, I do have a lot to be greatful for and lots of love from friends and family. Thankfully I have not lost the ability to see that (sometimes just need the reminder to open up and take a peek) That is what keeps me with at least the big toe of my left foot in contact with that darn happy land I'm trying to get back to.

Danielle said...

Oh, *hugs* to you. It is hard to get out of that kind of funk, but you can do it.
We are all here to help and listen.