By popular demand.....

Well, at least one blogger and lots of friends. :-)

This is the recipe for one of my family's favorite Christmas treats.  There are cookie wars ever year over them, like serious threats made and everything.  We've had that at Christmas for as long as I can remember and Great Aunt Thelma passed the baking torch to me.  I made them early this year and surprised the family at Tday since I'm getting ready to blow this joint for the holidays.

I would love to post a picture but we ate them all.  Not a good idea when you want to stay fitting in the formal gown you need to wear in the next couple of weeks! *oopsie*   Envision little frosted toasty light brown balls of sugary buttery frosting goodness.

Without further adieu.....

Brown Sugar Butter Cookies

A single batch of cookies w/ double batch of frosting (that's the rules!) is a lot of cookies.  For a quick batch we do a 1/2 batch cookies and single of the frosting.

2C Butter
2C Brown Sugar
8T Milk
1t vanilla
6C flour
2t salt

Preheat oven 375

Sift flour and salt
In a separate bowl work butter until soft add sugar  and mix until smooth
Add vanilla and dry mixture... mix thoroughly
Add milk & mix

Scoop aprox 1T of dough and roll into a ball, place on cookie sheet aprox 2" apart.  I pat each cookie to slightly flatten (they cook more evenly IMHO).

Bake for 11-13 minutes - cookies should appear dry
Move to a rack to cool

Brown Butter Icing
1/2 C butter
2C powdered sugar
1/2t vanilla
2-3T boiling water

Brown butter in a sauce pan until light brown
pour over brown sugar & mix
Add vanilla and boiling water mix until smooth
If the frosting starts to set, add a little boiling water to soften

Frost and enjoy!

Snow Day & confused feelers

Snow day!   I'll take advantage to organize at home and get some baking done.  Sweet, I needed and extra day or two.

He's all the way out.  No more in transit... boots on the non-sandy ground!

I am thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis close to single digits before departure.

I'm scared.  Excited but that nervous kind of scared.

I don't even know how to describe this, but it felt kind of odd talking to him under normal conditions.  Did he really just say he's going to go meet up with friends for dinner after he runs a few errands?    I'm confused by the selfishy jealousy feelings I'm having.  I couldn't be more incredibly happy he is out of there... but wait.... you aren't just sitting waiting to talk to me some more?  You have options other than me?     Gezus, get over yourself girl.    You will be there soon enough.  I feel bad I couldn't be there to welcome him home into my arms.  I'm stalking facebook for them to post the video.

I don't really understand some of these feelings.

It's not all circus acts and happy traveling rainbows

Three weeks.  That's about all I have left until I jump in feet first.

I've been distracted with planning and trying to get organized for my upcoming trip as well as the holidays and all the other stuff going on between now and D-day.     My head has been in la la land.  I've been doing really well personally; reaching some fitness and health goals which I never imagined myself doing, I've kicked the grief cycles evil ass, and I've been doing pretty well living in the present .... until....

what if....
It has pretty much been sunshine and rainbows and really cool, but I'm starting to "what if" and over think.  Am I being realistic? Do have too many expectations? Shit. Over a year worth of relationship (ups and downs) all over the phone and computer. It's been going so well, the last couple of months have been great. He really has been doing everything he can given the circumstances to make sure he shows that he really wants this and is serious. He listened to me, he's putting talk into action. *blink blink* Wholly hell. I got what I asked for..... *blink blink* What is it going to be like to be together again? I am so excited and my heart is just aching to get there... but. but. but what if..... and that's what sets off my mini anxiety. I don't want to create anxiety over events that haven't or may not even happen. That is deadly and it results in annoying behavior on my part. But I don't want to go too far the other direction either. I want to be realistic.

OK, back to shiny happy things.... distraction techniques....keeping busy until it's time for me to take off and then just go with the flow.  Yes.  That is what I'm going to do. Really... really I am.  I mean, how do I not keep distracted when I have accessories to buy, dinner parties to plan, cookies to bake, a holiday with the fam.... easy peasy. (shit, it's like a 9 hour flight with nothing to do but think) 

Running away to the circus...

Warning to parents, it's easier for you kids to do than you think. (any given day this may be a good thing?)

No seriously. This is me... for real.  I tried to post a video but I think it was too large.

 

Hell yeah it was fun.  A little scary but I've kind of been in to getting over my fears and just jumping into things lately. Too bad relationship don't have all that safety equipment!

 

TICK TOCK.... TICK TOCK.... time flies when you have a lot of shit to get done

OMG  I have less than 30 days from leaving for my one woman homecoming ceremony.  Where did the time go?

evening dress... check
winter clothes...check
suits & summer clothes.....check

 

christmas gifts..... so very close to check

to do.... primping!  cut & color, waxing, buffing, polishing, manicuring....

There's no crying at concerts! Beautiful tribute...

I went to see Brian McKnight in concert last night... the concert was awesome.  I expected nothing less from an amazing song writer that I've listened to for dang near 20 years (gulp, when did I get that old!?!)

He did a tear producing tribute last night that included this song.... I wish I could have recorded he and his two sons (they are part of his band and just as talented) singing the Star Spangled Banner acappella.

*WWIT Reality Check* Hello Luvahs.....

* A check yourself update*

Damn it.  I don't even have a job that requires I wear cute business clothes and heels.  I can pretty much wear a notch above PJ's if I wanted to.   I have a closet full of cute heels and other than sneakers maybe 2 casual shoes appropriate for our rainy crap winter.  So I've come to a compromise.

1. I'm saying goodbye to my soft as butter leather beautiful blue shoes.

2. I AM buying something to replace them.  Some functional and cute North Face winter boots that I've been searching for for the last few years.  I'm excited to finally found winter boots that I love.

3.  I get to keep a version of the pretty ruffly shoes.  The color below is apparently the current season, but I found a soft grey color for less than 1/2 the price because it is sooooo last season. Who cares!  I love the shoe and I swear to goodness I've never found a pair of heels that are this super soft.  It's dang near like wearing ballet flats.

Win Win Sitch

This is an illusion, I really didn't just replace the "cleaning out the closet" shoes. *grin*

Evoke the strategic packing gods... *ohmmmm*

Oh Saint Christopher....

I've got to start some strategic packing planning, like now.  My big 3 week adventure isn't for a few months yet but here is what I face.  Packing for three weeks that include winter in Europe, a need for a formal dress (which I just found out about that little addition today... I'm looking forward to the event but just sayin..), a week in a tropical location and Christmas in the Heartland.

And get that all done in luggage that I'm draggin around with me for 20,000 miles.

WTHeck

The best that I can come up with right now is planning on shipping what I can for Christmas so I don't have to carry it and maybe shipping my dress too?

P.S. I want to start shopping now but chances are in the next 1 to 1.5 months I will be size smaller.

*I am so aware that there could be some seriously worse thing for me to be stressing about*

After.....

Ha ha!

I am so completely happy that I choose to get this done.

These were just for sleep my first night.  Check up this morning... 20/20 both eyes baby!  Super success, the procedure was painless and quick.   Spent the day yesterday with different alarms and timers set on my phone for the every 1/2 hour and then every two hour rounds of artificial tears, antibiotics and steroids.  I could have gone back to work this afternoon but decided to "rest my eyes" (aka: shoe shopping and pretending to be a lady of leisure at the fancy mall)  Speaking of, a little off topic but....

Most difficult part is going to be the "no sports" over the next week.  I really tried to figure out a way that I could work out but one of the big concerns is sweat and I'm one of those super sweat people (yeah, I know luck me) so I'm going to be a walking fool for the next week to try and keep up with my fitness.

I am so happy I did this.  Took myself shopping for new non Rx sunglasses after the appointment.

EEEEEEiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Before.....

12 hour to no glasses

Big week.... new eyes, new me & vacation!

I'm baaaaccck.....  

Although I wasn't physically missing, what I feel is the real me has been on hiatus for the past three years or so.  I finally finally finally feel like myself again!  It's been a struggle and some hard work on my part but I feel like I've escaped the grasp of that Nasty Grief Monster and for the first time in about three years I feel like me.  I'm LIVING my life again.... not just going thru the motions and it never felt so good.

Grief is a really odd thing.  The impact it has on a person and the process over time is different for everyone.  Even having educated myself as much as possible on the whole process, there were times that it was hard to recognize.  Yeah, I was feeling blue and not really engaged in my life and with my friends, but I wasn't sitting and specifically thinking "I miss my mom."   It had developed into a more general cloud of blah that would come in and hang around for a couple months at a time, blow over, and come back again.

I know it can still come an go.  For today, this month and this moment I am in full on celebration of feeling like SS once again!!  I've missed her, I love her, I'm so happy to have her back. *hugs myself*

So the big week thing... I'm getting new eyes!

Thursday AM I go in for LASIK.  *blink blnk*  I had to start today with my "no makeup" for three days before surgery, I'm getting in three hard work outs because "no sports" for a week post surgery (and no makeup too).  I've officially gone from nervous to so excited to get it done!  I was out playing in the sun a lot this weekend... paddling around a big lake and the local arboretum, sitting on a dock watching the boats pour thru "the cut" from one lake to another.... and happily telling my Rx sunglasses it doesn't matter if you get covered with spray on sunscreen because this week you are going in the garbage!!

And the other big thing.. VACATION BOOKED!

December vacation with "The Ex" who really isn't so much of an Ex anymore is a done deal.  Frantic planning with limited phone calls & skype are complete, tickets booked, vacation time is a go.  One small detail left.  I have to inform my family that I will not be home for the Christmas holidays.  They will be happy for me, but also a little bummed that I won't be there.  I got the umpteenth degree from my Granny back when I went on my first vacation with TheExNotEx.  She knows he and I have maintained contact, but I can only imagine the questions I'm going to get regarding my three week, 20,000mile, two continent, three country December adventure with him.  Well, and the sweet thing doesn't have the best short term memory these days so she will probably ask the same question about 5 times every 30 minutes.

Anywho... he has been doing a really good job (what he can considering the circumstances) giving me the follow thru and commitment that I need to help rebuild things.

Now I can finally start getting excited and looking forward to this trip, because, hot damn... it's ON!

Meeting other bloggers... is there a creep factor?

So here is a question for other bloggers...and I'm talking about other bloggers that have lots of followers rather than the random venting kind of bloggers like me. :-)

Have you ever had someone recognize you from your blog and approach you to say "Hi, aren't you so-n-so from blah-zah-blah blog?"

Is it or would it be creepy to you?

Oh and another thing....

Lets say you are an anonymous blogger and people in your real life, including your significant other, don't know you blog.  Then lest say you were going to be in a town where or even possibly moving to a town where some of these other bloggers live and it might be very helpful for you to make contract with them. But, uh, how would you explain to significant other how you know this person? (oh yes, and the significant other would think it is super weirdo to be meeting people online like this and would probably be more than a little freaked out about it) 


Just thinking out loud in case that's ever a possibility.

5k #2

32 min! 4 better than last time. *smile*. A picture of me right now would show vasodilation at it's finest.

Sent from my iPhone

No news is good news!

I'm taking my lack of needing to blog as a good sign, I tend to do it more when I'm venting or feeling a bit troubled.

So yay!  Nothing much to post about other than me feeling like I'm in a pretty happy place right now.

I've been reminded that I'm much more balanced and happy when I'm being active.  Keeping up with some of my fitness goals; playing tennis, golf, some camping trips, and have my 2nd 5k coming up in two weeks.  One of the big gym goals I had set for myself was push ups... regular old "non girly" push ups.  Something that I've never really be able to do in the past.  My goal for the end of the month was 10, but when I did a test last week I knocked out 6 so I know that 10 by the end of next week should not be an issue.

I'm also actually contemplating on putting up some before and after photos from the beginning of June until now but I scare myself even looking at them, let alone releasing all this non-tanned cellulite to the world.  Would it even be helpful to me to put myself out there like that? 

A little excited and nervous at the same time about this on; I'm going in for a pre LASIK evaluation next week.  Would be cool to not have to mess around with glasses, but I'd be dropping pretty much all of my vacation & fun stash on this.

I'm having lots of nervous feelings again regarding upcoming vacation plans with The Ex.  We are talking about holidays and when I can take vacation time, how much time etc.  Hell, why shouldn't I feel nervous given the patter and the chance I've decided to take once again.  This is the point where I'm afraid I'll get excited and start looking forward to things with him and I'm going to be left to fall flat on my face and wallow in disappointment. I'm not talking about the Army changing things, I'm talking about him changing things.  I'll be more relieved when we are able to book tickets, but if it goes thru this will be quite the grand adventure with me racking up 15,000 plus air miles and having a vacation and holidays kind of all across the world.  Deep breath. *woo saaaaw*

Mmmm... my low cal "Lake Punch"

I'm so sprung on my concoction I wanted to share.

I'm probably not the first to do this, but it was new to me and I'm craving it....alcohol or not!

Trying to watch the calories, I made my own little "Lake Punch".  For those of you than can drink and do like diet drinks this is awesome.

Vodka
over ice
a sprinkle of Crystal Light Fruit Punch
Fill with Sprite Zero
Top off with one thick slice of lemon, squeezed and thrown it in to float.

Talk about refreshing... and it's one of those "sneaker" alcohol drinks because really, you can't tell there is any in there until you are working on drink #3. *hiccup*

Half-commitment

I haven't been very bloggy lately.   I'm not in a venting mood, I've retreated into my own head space to really think some things thru.

Decision time

I decided to stop wrestling with myself and made a somewhat commitment to the Ex.  I haven't been dating, just didn't feel like it... too busy working on me both physically and mentally.  I was driving myself nuts wrestling between my heart and my head and trying to decide if I cut off from him completely and move on or stay open to trying to fix things between us. The in between limbo was sucking up so much of my energy I was seriously torturing myself on a daily basis.   I knew that I was in no way shape or form ready to cut off communication with him or give up on the hope that this really is what I thought I was going to be, so I went the other direction and let my heart decide.  I told him I am in and willing to wait and see if things can be fixed when he gets back.    It was a relief to put aside the internal struggle.  

He is deployed and that makes me really wonder his motivation; Am I just safe and familiar to him and it's the circumstances that is making him say these things?    We shall see.  He will be given the opportunity to put his money where his mouth is and prove thru consistent positive actions over time.  That's what I've been drilling into his head like he's a 5 year old... any time he asks what he can do to fix things that is my answer, "consistent positive actions over time".   It is fortunate that he's in a position with fairly consistent daily access to communications, supplemented with weekly skype sessions, we've talked more  and more honestly (or I should say I've been no holds barred honest about my feelings) about us and the situation than we ever did in the time before he was deployed.

My hurt is not gone, it will take time and effort to undo this last year and get me to that comfortable place again and he knows this.   My making the decision to be open to it,  I've made the commitment to myself to start letting go of the hurt.  I was holding on to it like it was a security blanket.  Who wants that kind of shit for a security blanket?   I was starting to feel that I was placing myself in a victim role and that is no good.  I do have control over what I accept and what I won't, this isn't just happening to me.  It's my choice and I'm choosing to try and heal and see if there is a new start in the future.   He has work to do, and I do too.

That decision is made.  I'm owning it, and will deal with the outcome good or bad when it comes.

Good stuff

I've been working really hard at some physical goals.  I've signed up for another 5k that happens in about 3 weeks and have set some goals for changing up my body composition, aka: reduce body fat.  I like goals.  Goals and working toward them ends in me feeling accomplished and I need that.

By the end of the month I hope to have reduced my body fat by 6%, shave another 30 seconds off of my fitness test, and do 10 "real" push ups.

Much needed family time is coming this weekend too.  Heading over the mountains to the other side of the state for a good dose of Granny time.  That little 90 year old wig wearing, Costco shopping, card playing, veggie growing lady does wonders for my soul!

Discombobulated

I can’t seem to get my ish together this week.


Since I don’t really want to do any real head work (aka: haven’t gone back to talk to my counselor because the solutions involve doing things I can’t bring myself to do) and I need a new goal (aka: a distraction and something other than what I really need to be doing but big enough that it makes me feel like I’m accomplishing something) I’m back to focusing on my fitness . This is something I can control. I think I’m still coming out of three years of feeling a whole lot of out of control stuffs and trying to snap out of the fear and worry induced funk that has put me in.

This time, I’m also throwing in some diet changes. Going beyond logging my food and watching calories and this time I’m changing up the types of food I eat and when I eat them. You know, the whole move away from so many processed foods etc.

I’m getting back into the groove. As a general goal, I’ve got about 15lbs I want to lose, but more important is my overall appearance and reducing that body fat. Pretty much re-doing what I have undone over the last three months. Even with 2 weeks of good resistance training and better eating under my belt I see my body responding pretty quickly.

But this week, my goodness. I feel fortunate that I’m making it out the door with pants on in the morning. Two days I’ve woken up and turned off the alarm rather than hit snooze. I haven’t remembered to set the coffee pot or the cat food feeder (yeah, nothing two hours of a wet nose and whiskers in your face in the AM to put you in a great mood). I haven’t had the time to eat my good breakfast and have been hit by the dreaded late night snack attack.

Yeah, this is kind of venting and very random but hey… that’s what my blog is.

I’d like to think I’m handling it well, but I’m thinking that father’s day approaching might have some affect on me. I have not a single person to send a father’s day card to. And here is the PMS (did I forget to mention it’s also THAT week as well?) and hormones talking…. thinking about father’s day leads me to wondering if I’ll ever have my own family. I’m craving it. I’m kind of it right now. Yes, I have my family like my Granny and auntie and uncles, cousins etc but I don’t have that immediate mom/dad or husband/kids family. I’m not really adjusting well to being on my own and as the big four-oh isn’t in the too distant future I wonder if that will ever be a real possibility for me.

Alrighty then, on that light note… I’m off to live in la la land and put together a 4th of July care package for the Ex that swears when he gets back it will all be better and different.

Happy Effin Hump Day!

Grouchy....out!

It's done! Race for the Cure 2010 ...a slow and steady 36 mins

Done!  My first 5k, 2010 Race for the Cure (Susan G. Komen for the Cure). I came in at my exact time goal of 36 mins.

In typical fashion for the Northwest, it rained. As much as I was whining, I think it kind of helped keep me cool.

But the best news is I exceeded my personal goal for donations, my friends and family kicked in for $840! Woo hoo!  This is the big fundraising even for our local chapter of Susan G. Komen for the Cure.  It's an organization I passionately support was tickled to turn in my donations.  *smile*

OK, what's next?  I need a new task.

3 never looked so good

I did it.  THANK GAWD... 

With less than 2 weeks (that includes a holiday weekend trip to see the fam) to my first 5k I did 3 miles for the first time evah!   I will admit that I had a tiny 45sec (yes I timed it) walk at the 2.25 mile point to catch up on my breathing but other than that...

At least now I feel reassured the 5k won't be a total fail.*whew*

WWIT: Confession

Binge Eating

I am having a serious issue with overeating in the evenings. Standing at the kitchen counter shoveling in an extra 1000 calories when my tummy is uncomfortably full kind of eating.

And it's spiraling. I feel like I've completely undone that hard work I did in January/Feb to get in good shape... and that feeling bad leads me to fill up the hole with more food.

And I don't want to go to counseling. I'm tired of talking about things that are wrong with me.

Schtuff...and feeling kinda stuck

Mother's Day

I hope all of the amazing Mother's out there enjoyed their celebration.  We all know it should be an every day occurance.... celebrating the women that have made us who and what we are.   They come in many forms, some gave birth to us, some have been there for us like no other, and many who have stood with us as a support system as we grow and walk thru life.  
Bitter sweet day for me. Beautiful memories of my mother and many years together and a reminder that she is gone. This MD #3 that she' hasn't been around and it is developing into something different. More on the fond memories side than heavy with the sadness.

I had a really different kind of Mother's Day sadness hit me this weekend. I could feel it creeping in on Friday. Something about this year felt more about me rather than about my mom.  This weekend I was feeling a sadness over not having a family of my own. With my mom gone and my relationship with my step-dad falling apart at the same time, I don't feel like I have that first level of family. MY family... my primary family. It made me sad to think that in that particular sense I am alone... it's just me. No partner, no kids. I still hope that being a mom and having MY family is in my future but the reality that that time may pass me by hit home this weekend.

C25K

Oh boy, the 5k training hasn't been so hot these last two weeks. I have lingering respiratory crap from a chest cold I had a month ago and it's really draining me and making it hard to get my butt in gear on the running. I keep trying and I can tell each time that's it's more difficult than it should be. My lungs feel like they are only running at 80%, breathing heaving comes faster than it should and I've been just flat out tired.

I haven't been on the treadmill since last Wednesday when I did Week 5 - Day #2 of the C25K program. I know I'm behind. I'm going to try a repeat of that work out because I know Week 5- Day #2 25min solid run would not be happening right now.

Wish me luck and let’s hope I don't lose a lung tonight!

Oh yeah... "what was I thinking"

I thnk I may have neglected to mention that I've fallen back into the bad habit of The Ex.  This may end up as one for the "What was I thinking" hall of fame.  I'm sure it's keeping me held back from and kind of stuck in the past.  Baby steps.  As much as he is pushing and pouring it on THICK, I have made it clear that there isn't any kind of possibility of us having a relationship until he gets back.  Neither he nor I can make a decision while he is deployed, we'll see how he feels when he's back in the real world and if I'm available.  In the mean time, he's doing his best to do things and say things to make sure he's not forgotten. *eh*  Easy to do when you are isolated.

C25K Iphone app is THE BEST!!

I love it I love it I love it.

Seriously, anyone trying the Couch to 5k program that has an iphone must get the program.  I don't know how they do it, but within the application it takes you to your itunes library and you make song list for your running and they give audio ques over your music for your walk/run cycles.  

It keeps track of each session and you can even directly post your progress to facebook.

Pretty slick, just choose which workout day you are on and hit start... music up and off you go!

Since I'm behind and I'm not a couch potato I stared with Week 2.  Even coming off my illness it's too easy.  It was good to test out my lungs but I added on some additional running.  Tomorrow I'm going to jump into week 3:  two rounds of 1.5 min run/1.5 min walk, 3 min run/3 min walk.

I have a feeling I will work thru this one only twice (instead of 3 times for the week) and then move on to week 4 but we shall see.

Did I mention that I think this app is super coolio?

Couch to 5K

C25K iphone application

C25K Update

So 6 weeks until my 5k and I sadly haven't trained at all.  I've been sick with some gunk in my chest and when I attemped to run on Monday I was coughing so hard I not only came close to choking on my own phlem, I also pretty much peed my pants.  That is aweome. *heh*

Now the powers of Google had lead me to a couple of training plans for "5k in 6 weeks" and I'm going to give a shot at it again this evening.

Wish me and my depends luck!

This kid needs a blog

Seriously, Passive Agressive Notes makes my day.

Good/Odd Weekend and Monday Therapy in a nutshell

Got shit on... literally, from head to toe by a bird on my way to Friday night dinner and drinks. Apparently in at least two different cultures this is considered incredible good luck. I consider it a stinky gross inconvenience.


Back home, changed clothes, washed hair, changed purses, disinfected my phone... and out the door again to finally have dinner at 9pm.

Too much tequila.

Was reminded that I still got it... which lead to the too much tequila. Who can turn down a free drink from a nice gentleman?  What was that? OMG it's flirting.... fun!!

Slept away Saturday.

Beautiful beautiful Sunday, nice long walk around the hood in the fresh air.

Sunday was topped off with an amazing evening with two of my very bestest friends. Drank wine, ate cheese, hot tubing with a bottle of proseco and then a fabulous meal while watching my fav. Sunday evening show (Amazing Race if you must know)

Therapy Session #2 took a turn for the unexpected, how did we end up talking about my relationship with the Ex? I really didn't want to talk about that... but maybe I needed to. I walked away thinking "that's not what I wanted" and it certainly wasn't what I was expecting. *eh* crap.

I'm doing a 5k....Couch Potato to 5K (C25K) - Week 1/2

A couple of years ago I made it my goal to be able to jog around my favorite park trail.  It's 2.8 miles around the little lake and as I'd walk I think "man, if I could ever jog around here it would be great".  I started with super baby steps, inside on the treadmill away from as many viewers as possible.  At that point, I couldn't have even done a solid mile.  I eventually did get to the point of being able to jog around that lake...twice... like twice total, not twice around all at once...and felt like I was going to puke at the end but I did it.  I am so not a runner.  I'm not sure my body is built for that, but heck, it kicked off the last 10lbs I had to lose and was a challenge that I conquered!

Two years later and I can still do a mile plus and not die, but really lost the progress that I had made.

I promised myself that this year I was going to the Komen Race for the Cure 5k instead of the walk.  *gasp* Now we are 8 weeks away and I haven't done shit to get ready for it so I'm trying the couch potato to 5k route.  I don't have the full 9 weeks but looked at the program and I think I'm far beyond week one so OK to skip it.

I found that they have a super little app for my iphone that will give me audio cues over top of my own selected music and track my work outs.

So here we go with week 2 of the program:

3 times; alternate 90 seconds of jogging with 2 minutes of walking for 20 mins.

I feel like this will be fairly simple, I'll have to get in one day while I'm out of town visiting the Best Grandma in the World.

Here I go... Run!  SS Run!

Oh how do I love thee thinkgeek.com

My First Bacon

"Velveteen pork flesh and super soft fleece fat"  *peeing*

How can you not love a website that sells My First Bacon  and Giant Plush Microbs?  I think mange is kinda cute. *wink wink*

The Next Chapter

Therapy.


Not grief counseling...not help after a tragic accident...not help dealing with a grieving dad...

Therapy. For my other "issues".

I never expected for grief counseling to turn into this but I'm taking a step to figure out some stuffs about myself. Things that I actually started to realize or think about after reading another blog.

I want to figure out why I beat myself up so much for being and doing things less than perfect. In theory I know I'm not perfect, don't really expect anyone to be perfect...so why can't I just enjoy what I do and my accomplishments without thinking "Oh well but I should have done this too." I can't even enjoy down time because I'm always thinking "I should be at the gym" or "I should be doing blah blah blah instead" There is always something I should be, should have, could have done or be doing to squash my happy feelings. It's not 100% of the time that I do this, but a great deal of the time.

It appears that I'm my own biggest obstacle to enjoying my life and having the happiness that I desire.

Why do I do that?

I made an appointment with my counselor, and that's what I'm going to do my best to find out. I'm a little afraid to find out I'm more broken than I even imagined.

What a difference a day makes!

Yesterday my plane tickets were taking me to the Heartland.

Today I'm feeling more Tropical Island!


Of course it's a long story, the short story:

An early R&R had me heading to the Heartland next week to spend time with the Ex. I don't know why I kept expecting any different, but to keep it short I will just say I believed his words (with just enough action to back it up) and was yet again setting myself up for disappointment.

This time is different.  It's hard to admit it. It hurts to admit it. This relationship is just flat out over. I knew it all along deep down inside but it was just to painful to deal with the truth. It was also too hard to admit that I had been a fool for love. I let myself get strung along. It was hard for me to understand how someone that I loved could do that and even harder to admit that I didn't stand up for myself and let it happen.

The turmoil is over
I don't know why I fought against what I knew deep down inside all year long. Maybe it was because I couldn't stand the thought of losing yet something else in my life. I was clinging to the idea of what I thought I had and the life I had been building with this man.

I've been here before. This is a pattern, me hanging on even when I know it's not right. This will be something to explore with my counselor. I want to know why I do this and how to change it. I thought I was already there but I'm obviously not.

Here is the kicker

This is exactly where I was last year. Yes, this same time last year I had booked a last minute "graduation" trip for myself to a Tropical Pacific Island as a "this is the kind of thing I don't do, have never done, but I'm doing it!" kind of move.

This year, well, I'm a year older and could feel like I've wasted a year but instead I'm thinking of it as an opportunity for a re-do. Last year when I had this spark and feeling of starting off on something new in my life the something new turned out to be a heartbreaking break up, a horrific auto accident, and a dissolving of the relationship with my dad.

It really hit me last night and I'm kind of stuck on this thought. A year gone by and I really am back in the same place. Like a groundhog year.

This year I am in a different place. I've learned a lot. I've healed somewhat. This year I get a big fat DO OVER on the new me. How often do you get this? I feel like the man above is saying, "OK, SS, I watched you struggle... let's try this again."

So....anywho...

Two days to go and Aloha! Peace out.

WHY DIDN'T I KNOW ABOUT THE DEALS WEB SITES?!?

If you haven't checked them out .... do so ASAP.

I got turned on to two "deals" web sites that I'm loving. Of course a little pizzed that I missed out on two deals for things that I was buying anyway...one being the cooking class I just took! That's how I found out about it, one of the guys asked "Did you get this thru Groupon" ::crickets:: ::blank stare:: "Uh no... what is that?"  "Oh cool thanks.. good to know I could have done this for 1/2 the price"

Groupon.com

Every day they offer up a new "deal" for your respective area...good deals like 50% off restaurants and services and fun stuff! If enough people are interested and click to buy, the deal is "ON" and you get your groupon for the offer. If they don't get enough people then the deal is "OFF" and you aren't out anything.

LivingSocial.com

Very similar to Groupon, BUT if you buy a deal and three of your friends buy it as well yours is FREE! I love FREE. Can't beat that... planning a girls night? You buy a $30 restaurant certificate for $15 (great deal all by itself) then your girlfriends buy the same and yours is free.

If you follow this link and sign up for email notifications you get $5 coupon bucks to use toward your first purchase... and yes, I'd get $5 too once you make a purchase. I'm just sayin, if you are inclined to join the mailing list why not get $5?   Sign up for Living Social here and get $5!

Cake, 90th Birthdays, Cooking Class, Vday... and stuff

90...that's a lot of years under your belt

My beloved Granny turned 90 this week. I travled back home for a little celebration.

It involved a hummingbird cake and a bouquet of 90 roses.

I'm quite proud of myself for making this little beauty.

And after....

And my Auntie put together the amazing flowers...

(I really really hope I got some of those good Norwegian genes of hers)

Vday Swap

The Mrs. hosted a Valentines Day swap and my swap partner Miss TRBS over at Shepdogg sent me the most thoughful gift.  She took some pictures of my mom from my blog and put them together in a collage.  It was really touching.  Oooo... and I got one of those tubes that you microwave for sore neck & shoulders which is perfect since those get so tight on me with my work outs.  Thanks again!

Cooking Class

A one point my counselor said she'd really like to see me tap into my creative side.  You know, take some sort of class to get me out of my own analytical head space and try and switch some gears in my brain.  So what did I do?  I started thinking about school, GMAT tests, graduate programs and buying a condo.  Just about the opposite of creative.  BUT, I did eventually come up with something that I think fit the bill and was interesting to me. (local pottery class was already full *bummer*)  I signed up for a cooking class and it was this week.   Overal it was fun, but not quite as hands on as I was looking for.  I knew the format going in... "Cooking Party" vs. "Instructor Intensive" but it was even less hands on than I would have liked.   It made me kind of sad at one point becuase it was mostly couples and groups of couples taking  it together.  Reminded me of what I'm missing.  *great*

Stuff

I've been feeling pretty lost, loney, and unaccomplished lately.  I just can put my finger on what it will take for me to not feel this way anymore.  I'm trying to just live in the moment and enjoy my life.  I've had so much on my plate to deal with the last couple of years I feel like I've lost the ability to just live.  I feel like I need to be doing something BIG, accomplishing something, working on a grand goal, helping someone, even being in crisis mode. ( I know that last one sucks but it's how I've been operating a lot)

Every morning I wake up and tell myself that I'm choosing to be happy and joyful and living my life to the fullest for that day but it doesn't take long for all the worry and trying to get control takes over.

I really wanted to talk to The Ex and got a "ring twice then the call is gone" kind of deal from him on Wednesday night.   That sucks, not like I can just ring him back.  Haven't gotten a call, email or skype from him since.   I'm not feeling worried, this time it's all about me... I felt I needed to hear his voice.   He can still say a few words and clam me.

Stuff from the accident I was in this summer is starting to roll.  I had managed to kind of stuff it all away in the back of my head but now things are getting started it brings up unexpected feelings.  I know getting it all started means the end is closer but the reality of dealing with insturance companies and lawyers is just *bleh*.  I do feel better having an attorney, that means I don't have to talk to folks and try to deal with insurance companies myself but it's something I'd rather not be doing.  I guess the good part is that my insurance pays for him.

This is pretty much enough rambling on for now.  Back to work!

It's a sign...I'm telling you, it's a sign

On Friday I retracted the offer I had in on a condo.  When you are buying a condo you get a shit load of paperwork on the HOA and their financial positions, rules, regulations etc.  It's called their Resale Certificate.  It was almost 200 pages of eye crossing put you to sleep reading.

Me being me, I'm all into the details and did my due diligence and saw some stuff I don't like.  Particularly a 30% increase in the HOA dues and still not enough will be in their reserve funds to cover the maintenance that will be required in the next 2-3 years. (It's a late 70's building).  

So buy buy offer.  I was not comfortable with what I saw.

BUT BUT BUT...  here is where "the sign" comes in.

On the exact same day I took my other offer off the table, this unit came back on the market.  *yay me* They had an open house on Saturday so I went to take a look.   The issue with this one turns out to be some lack of storage.  The storage on thet deck is maybe 1/2 of what I have not and there is no storage in the laundry closet (just big enough for a stackable units) and only an ity bity coat closet.   In exchange for that lack of storage, I gain a 3/4 bath.   So some give & take and it would be a very sweet deal if I can get it down to the top of my price range.

Making an offer today. Wish me luck!

A hug from my mom

This last week I’ve been CRAVING physical contact with my mom. I’ve tried to connect in a spiritual/mental way, trying to hear her voice in my head and at times feeling that nothing short of being able to touch her will do. At times I almost felt in a panic knowing that I won’t ever be able to get that feeling again, to put my arms around her, to just have her there physically in front of me to touch and hear her laugh. It’s been too long, what if I forget how she feels? What if I forget the sound of her voice? I have a few recording of her. I wish I had saved ever voice mail she left me. I use to laugh listening to the answering machine or voice mail when she’d call back 4 times in a row to say things she forgot the first time. The messages would always start out the same and almost sounded like a re-mix, “Hey kiddo…. “ “Hey kiddo….” “Hey kiddo…” What I wouldn’t do to have those now.


The night before last I had a little breakdown, or it could be called a breakthrough of sorts. I’ve tried to talk to her on occasion but it often doesn’t feel natural. I don’t feel connected to the spirit that I’m trying to have the talk with. I know her spirit is with me always and I know it was her that saved my life as my guardian angel when I was in a really bad car accident this summer. ( I have a visual of her just split seconds before the accident fighting thru the separation between her new world and my world to protect her baby and shield me… she wasn’t a forceful person in general, but don’t mess with the Mama Bear!) Other than in a dream the night before her funeral (which was also my birthday) I’ve never been able to create that feeling of really talking to her. I’ve heard people tell stories of how things have happened and they know their loved one is there or how they hear a voice or feel something that lets them know that spirit is present. I want that. I’ve been trying and asking for that experience. Well, I had it. It wasn’t quite as strong or dramatic as I imagined it, but I felt her. I got a hug from my mom.

I was on the couch watching a woman on TV express how she had been holding on to regrets over things not said when her father passed. It was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Not because I relate to her having regrets, just the opposite. What a gift my mom gave me, she passed leaving me with no regrets. That is two sided, my actions played a part in that as well but she literally told me, “Do not have any regrets. I don’t want you to think you didn’t do enough or help enough”.

I sat on the couch crying and saying “Thank you. Thank you so much for giving that to me.” They were tears that didn’t come from sadness. It was emotion that I felt as overwhelming appreciation and thanks for that gift. As much as I’ve hurt, and sad as I still am that my mom is gone, thank god I don’t live with the burden of regret.

I continued to talk to her, I told her some of the things that I was feeling. With my eyes closed and covered with my hands, I cried and told her I missed her. I also told her I knew I was going to be just fine, but boy wouldn’t it be better if she were still here. I told her about how much fun my Granny and I were having when we spend time together. I even laughed thru my tears with some of the things I had to tell her. And then I got my hug. It’s hard to explain, it wasn’t like a real physical hug, I didn’t feel her arms around me. With my eyes closed and still flowing tears there was a visual of her. I could see me sitting on the couch and her face and somewhat of a form of an upper body where there in front of me. As her arms extended they kind of turned into a foggy mist that started over the top of my head and slowly cascaded down over my shoulders and enveloped me. As this was happening I felt the greatest release of tension in my body. I knew she was there and she was comforting me.

Randoms stuff in my head

1. I'm kind of disappointed that I haven't heard a word from the step dad over the last few months. I didn't really blog about it in detail, and I still might, but basically he has had a really hard time dealing with my mom's passing. In a nut shell, he isn't dealing with his grief at all and it turned him into someone I didn't know and I was the unfair target of his anger. It kind of came to a head this summer, well, and I haven't heard from him since August. I thought maybe my birthday he would reach out...nada. Thought maybe Christmas.....nada. Oh well, I just pray that he is getting the help he needs and live my life the best that I can.

Oh and FYI, yes, I've tried over and over since she passed to maintain the relationship only to get burned over and over so after long talks and some insight from my grief counselor it was suggested that for my own progress I needed to step back until he's able to get help or get past his anger.

2. Still waiting on my condo. I knew it was going to be a wait and I'm doing OK with that... but of course I'm getting ants in my pants. Last night I found myself browsing the isles of Big Box Home Improvement Store just to get ideas and see how much some things would cost to upgrade & replace. It was AWESOME! I'm thinking I may have to ditch the whole accounting thing and become a contractor. We shall see how I feel about that when I actually have my own home to maintain.

3. The guy situation.  He really seems to be trying to win me back, even from afar. Last week I got a super exciting gift from him. This gift may just involve me spending this coming Saturday at an amazing day spa up the the mountains. This general location also happens to be one of "our" spots.... one of our fist dates, return visits for romantic getaways and hikes in the woods. I am so looking forward to the day of pampering I can hardly stand myself. He sure knows the way to this woman's heart is thru the spa! lol. I'm only 1/2 kidding, I know there is more to this than being wooed by amazing thoughtful gifts from 1/2 around the world.... but I'm sure not going to turn it down.

4. The Mrs just sent out her Valentine Swap partners and I'm really excited. I participated in her Christmas swap and it was a lot of fun. To me, it's so interesting to see what someone you only "know" thru a blog come up.

5. I have some good stuff to look forward to. My most awesome bestest cutest funnies Granny is turning 90 next month! Sheesh that's old! I'll be heading over to the other side of the state to celebrate with her and the rest of the fam. I'm about due for another dose of good family time. You know, those people that totally get my sarcasm (because they are the cause of it!), know my history and where I'm coming from. Dysfunctional as we can be, these people have got my back and I love them.

6. I love Skype.

7. I have written about my fitness goals for awhile. That’s because I had some bumps in the road, lost ½ of my previous progress, two months of maintaining only over the holidays (but good god, with all the cookies I ate it’s a miracle that I managed to offset that with the exercise), but this last week I finally put my heart and soul into it and I made progress!! Lost 2.8lbs but better than that my measurements changed and I’m back to the same lean muscle mass that I was in August and within half a pound of being at that same weight again too. I don’t have a lot to lose, but round about 12 lbs to get to my comfortable weight and a size where I’m fitting into all my clothes again. *whew*


Bring it on 2010. I feel in a generally good mental state to tackle some of the challenges I know I have coming up…. I’m prepared. I will prevail. I will be living the best life that I can.

To forget... or not to forget?

Is my mind playing a trick on me or am I ready to let go of a past hurt?

The Ex and I have slipped into what feels like our old relationship flow. As much of a flow as there can be with him being deployed, but since the majority of our relationship has been apart this feels pretty normal for us.

I knew we'd be in contact while he was deployed, we did leave it as "friends" after all.  This is feeling a lot different than friends. It feels like we're partners again. He's looking after me even from the other side of the globe, we're sharing the sweet nothings and tenderness that certainly isn't something I do with "friends", to the best of his ability he is letting me know if there are going to be communication issues and then checks back in as soon and as often as he can. THIS is the man I loved, not the man that broke my heart. It’s a bit twisted that it is happening now that he is deployed, but I feel like he’s putting in the effort to “prove it” to me…. that is the feeling I had been trying to get all summer/fall.

It's so easy for me to get wrapped up in this and feel like all is OK and back to what it was before our difficulties hit last spring. Is that just a trick my mind is playing or is it OK for me to let go of that hurt from the past and just be OK with this? Am I creating a situation in my head that doesn't really exist because that is less painful than dealing with reality? Or am I at that point that I've worked thru my feelings and can finally let the hurt go and take him back as he's been asking? Is this the bolt of lightning/slap in the face/sign in the clouds that I've been waiting for? Could the sign really be as simple as me feeling content?

You know, right or wrong, good or bad choice, for now I’m OK with not feeling so damn heartbroken and hurt.

The Waiting Game

Patience is a virtue.... good things come to those who wait...blah blah blah.

Therefore I am short one important virtue.

2010 is starting off as a waiting game for moi.

- Waiting for my first care packages to hit their target (check this one off, mission complete)
- Waiting on answers regarding my condo purchase
- Waiting on police departments and insurance companies so I can put an accident from this summer behind me
- Waiting for me to get off my duff and update my blog layout (how many months ago was October?)
- Waiting for a lighten bolt, slap in the face, name written in the clouds, something to help me make some big decisions already.

OK, so two of the 4 open items are actually waiting for me to take action.  Hmmmmm....so not only am I lacking the virtue of patience, I'm also a procrastinator.   How the hell do those two wide up in the same personality.  Talk about a life long conflict.

"How much human life is lost in waiting?" Ralph Waldo Emerson

“We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” Joseph Campbell

*cakey update...the eagle has landed* Have cake will travel....

** Update #2 - The verdict**

Well done Wire a cake, well done


First and most important the cake arrived in perfect condition on the exact day of his birthday.  He didn't get a chance for any pictures be everyone was dying for him to cut into it and he was sharing the birthday sugar high.

Lets give *two snaps up half way around the world to the sandbox and back snap* for Wire A Cake - HB Bakery Connection.

OMG where was my cake!?
There was some drama and one upset soldier's "friend"pacing in front of her computer this week.  There was some issues with the address (no error of mine or the bakery) and part of the info was missing.   I get a call earlier in the week from a very irritated sounding Ex "S... basically the address is FUCKED ....."  Non of the packages I had sent had arrived and I just knew the cake wasn't going to make it.   Thankfully there was enough information and I got a call last night that all of it arrived at the same time along with the cake ON his birthday.

 Look at that, birthday cake and packages all on THE day.

REMINDER TO SELF:  On some scale this was a case of "...may not always come when you call, but always on time".  I'm always amazed how something that throws me off and isn't what was planned reveals itself later to be exactly what it should have been.

Maybe one of these days I'll remember that up front and not get so worked up about things.  But that is super hard for me.

** Update**

The birthday cake is on its way and today and they so kindly send along a photo before they send them along to far away lands.

I have to say, if the product itself is half as wonderful as the communication and customer service I've recevied it will be worth it a million times over.  I do believe it was the owner, Debora George, that I spoke to on the phone and sent me the emails.

I figured I'd also share the link to the video that I came across when looking for some place that does this kind of shipping.

Sending Cakes Overseas - Debora George -Wire A Cake

The cake itself is in a tin, frosted with butter cream and then wrapped in a sheet of fondant so the frosting won't stick to places it shouldn't.   They have lots of decorations to choose from including the service branches OR if you can even supply your own photo.

OK enough already.  Will update when we get the word from the other side and in the mean time.

I don't have a lot of readers, so would ask that all of you with bigger readership post about this if you feel inspired to share.  I would love for folks to know more about this resource!  Oh yeah, they also participate with Soldiers Angels if you wish to sponsor/donate.

http://www.wireacake.com/
HB Bakery Connection


**************

This will be interesting.  At leat I think so, I'm curious how it will turn out.

I sent a cake to the sand box.

Googled some words, picked a link, saw a video.   OK, that will work and off I went.

It's the effort that counts, right?  Nothing says "Happy Birthday Soldier" like a tin full of sugar and flour, and hopes hopes hopes that it arrives in one piece.

Wire A Cake - HB Bakery Connectionif anyone is curious.  I'll report back with at least a before picture, which the company will send to me before my dear little cake takes flight.

I'm obviously still in relationship limbo land but it feels OK for now.  Got a very poor quality call (as in I couldn't hear him but he heard me) on Christmas and a clear as a bell call the other day.  It makes me happy to hear his voice and that's what I'm rolling with for the time being.

Don't fence me in

I finished up my mortgage application paperwork during a lunch meeting with my lender today.  I maybe shouldn't have been so concerned about getting that right combo of grape, chicken, and almond on my fork and paid more attention, but it was pretty straight forward. This kind of stuff and process makes sense to me for the most part.  Put anything together in a format that looks even vaguely like a tax form and I get all excited so it was painless.

That is until, "What if I want to pick up and move this summer?" popped into my head....  "What am I going to do being tied down like this, I can't just pack up and go!?!"

This is the biggest commitment of my life.   It holds me down to one particular place. Even to have a wedding ring, that doesn't mean I have to stay in this same city and neighborhood for a good bit of time.

"Oh my this could be a real issue" says Me to Me.

BUT ONLY IF I WAS THE TYPE OF PERSON TO MOVE ON A WHIM WHICH I'VE NEVER DONE IN MY LIFE NEVER MOVE OUTISDE THIS STATE AND HAVE RENTED THE SAME APARTMENT FOR THE LAST 5 YEARS!

I find it interesting that my brain is making up such unrealistic fears. Why would that even be a worry? Why would I be concerned about losing a freedom that I never even took advantage of in the first place?

Dude.  I need help.

Almost PeopleofWalmart.com worthy

Lets Play a Game!!!!

Can you find the subject of this picture?

No, it's not the lonely little chocolate milk lost in the sea of soda and milk....

Hmmmm, the two ladies aren't wearing their underwear as outerwear, PJs, disco costume, or clown wig and all their body parts are safely tucked in where they should be....

And not a Cousin Eddy in sight (at least not in the picture)...

*hint hint* It would fall into the category "Kids of Walmart"