Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Half-commitment

I haven't been very bloggy lately.   I'm not in a venting mood, I've retreated into my own head space to really think some things thru.

Decision time

I decided to stop wrestling with myself and made a somewhat commitment to the Ex.  I haven't been dating, just didn't feel like it... too busy working on me both physically and mentally.  I was driving myself nuts wrestling between my heart and my head and trying to decide if I cut off from him completely and move on or stay open to trying to fix things between us. The in between limbo was sucking up so much of my energy I was seriously torturing myself on a daily basis.   I knew that I was in no way shape or form ready to cut off communication with him or give up on the hope that this really is what I thought I was going to be, so I went the other direction and let my heart decide.  I told him I am in and willing to wait and see if things can be fixed when he gets back.    It was a relief to put aside the internal struggle.  

He is deployed and that makes me really wonder his motivation; Am I just safe and familiar to him and it's the circumstances that is making him say these things?    We shall see.  He will be given the opportunity to put his money where his mouth is and prove thru consistent positive actions over time.  That's what I've been drilling into his head like he's a 5 year old... any time he asks what he can do to fix things that is my answer, "consistent positive actions over time".   It is fortunate that he's in a position with fairly consistent daily access to communications, supplemented with weekly skype sessions, we've talked more  and more honestly (or I should say I've been no holds barred honest about my feelings) about us and the situation than we ever did in the time before he was deployed.

My hurt is not gone, it will take time and effort to undo this last year and get me to that comfortable place again and he knows this.   My making the decision to be open to it,  I've made the commitment to myself to start letting go of the hurt.  I was holding on to it like it was a security blanket.  Who wants that kind of shit for a security blanket?   I was starting to feel that I was placing myself in a victim role and that is no good.  I do have control over what I accept and what I won't, this isn't just happening to me.  It's my choice and I'm choosing to try and heal and see if there is a new start in the future.   He has work to do, and I do too.

That decision is made.  I'm owning it, and will deal with the outcome good or bad when it comes.

Good stuff

I've been working really hard at some physical goals.  I've signed up for another 5k that happens in about 3 weeks and have set some goals for changing up my body composition, aka: reduce body fat.  I like goals.  Goals and working toward them ends in me feeling accomplished and I need that.

By the end of the month I hope to have reduced my body fat by 6%, shave another 30 seconds off of my fitness test, and do 10 "real" push ups.

Much needed family time is coming this weekend too.  Heading over the mountains to the other side of the state for a good dose of Granny time.  That little 90 year old wig wearing, Costco shopping, card playing, veggie growing lady does wonders for my soul!

3 comments:

T said...

This is an awesome post on so many levels. Glad to see you taking on that "releasing" of extra weight. Physically and emotionally.

Now smile. :)

Crazy Shenanigans said...

I think it's great that you guys are working towards something that could be really good!

That's awesome about the upcoming races!

Danielle said...

I am glad that you are listening to your heart. I don't believe we can go to far wrong when we do that.

Congrats on the fitness goals.