Monday, May 10, 2010

Schtuff...and feeling kinda stuck

Mother's Day

I hope all of the amazing Mother's out there enjoyed their celebration.  We all know it should be an every day occurance.... celebrating the women that have made us who and what we are.   They come in many forms, some gave birth to us, some have been there for us like no other, and many who have stood with us as a support system as we grow and walk thru life.  
Bitter sweet day for me. Beautiful memories of my mother and many years together and a reminder that she is gone. This MD #3 that she' hasn't been around and it is developing into something different. More on the fond memories side than heavy with the sadness.

I had a really different kind of Mother's Day sadness hit me this weekend. I could feel it creeping in on Friday. Something about this year felt more about me rather than about my mom.  This weekend I was feeling a sadness over not having a family of my own. With my mom gone and my relationship with my step-dad falling apart at the same time, I don't feel like I have that first level of family. MY family... my primary family. It made me sad to think that in that particular sense I am alone... it's just me. No partner, no kids. I still hope that being a mom and having MY family is in my future but the reality that that time may pass me by hit home this weekend.

C25K

Oh boy, the 5k training hasn't been so hot these last two weeks. I have lingering respiratory crap from a chest cold I had a month ago and it's really draining me and making it hard to get my butt in gear on the running. I keep trying and I can tell each time that's it's more difficult than it should be. My lungs feel like they are only running at 80%, breathing heaving comes faster than it should and I've been just flat out tired.

I haven't been on the treadmill since last Wednesday when I did Week 5 - Day #2 of the C25K program. I know I'm behind. I'm going to try a repeat of that work out because I know Week 5- Day #2 25min solid run would not be happening right now.

Wish me luck and let’s hope I don't lose a lung tonight!

Oh yeah... "what was I thinking"

I thnk I may have neglected to mention that I've fallen back into the bad habit of The Ex.  This may end up as one for the "What was I thinking" hall of fame.  I'm sure it's keeping me held back from and kind of stuck in the past.  Baby steps.  As much as he is pushing and pouring it on THICK, I have made it clear that there isn't any kind of possibility of us having a relationship until he gets back.  Neither he nor I can make a decision while he is deployed, we'll see how he feels when he's back in the real world and if I'm available.  In the mean time, he's doing his best to do things and say things to make sure he's not forgotten. *eh*  Easy to do when you are isolated.

2 comments:

T said...

You do have a captive audience with him being deployed, right?

You obviously have some things you still need to work out with him. Don't beat yourself up too much.

Feel better soon!

Crazy Shenanigans said...

We all make mistakes and sometimes familiar is comforting.