Thursday, October 29, 2009

Aparently I'm a follower

I did, I sure did go buy something after I saw it on the Oprah show.

Cut me some slack, it is jeans after all and who wouldn't do just about anything to find great jeans that fit your body?

I struggled to be OK with rushing to order one of the "Oprah loves" products (don't get me wrong, I really do like Oprah but not in that cult like way).  I struggled with buying jeans put out there by an athlete's wife... that seemed just a little on the gimmicky side.


I'm not fat, but I do have me some coke bottle curves and hal-leh-lu-yer I found some jeans to fit comfortably cute w/o exposing crack or looking like mom jeans.

Thank you Cookie Johnson for your jeans. Yes, you heard it, Magic Johnson's wife makes some fabulous jeans.

CJ by Cookie Johnson
"Faith" straight leg stretch - dark wash

My very first pair of straight leg jeans that fit and cover my boo-tay and look HOT with my 4" heels!!

Monday, October 26, 2009

Really...who does this?

Who sits and massages their girl's feet during a movie in a crowded PUBLIC movie theater?

As if it wasn't bad enough that before she even pushed past us in the aisle she dropped her gallon soda on the floor, cussed and then just left the lake-o-coke with not even the consideration of informing someone that could clean it up.

What is that strange noise I hear?  No... it can't be.  Those are not feet on a lap being massaged and just a couple of inches from my elbow.

On the couch at home; sweet and adorable.  In a public theater; keep your complete stranger nasty azz feet to yourself.

Here is the funny part.  For whatever reason I would have been less offended if they had been messing around a little than I was by her feet right there next to me.

I had one of those weekends were I noticed all over the place how completely inconsiderate folks can be.  And we wonder why kids act that way with these shining examples.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Sugar Cat

Found out this morning that my little stank cat is diabetic.

I knew it was a possible diagnosis when I took him to the vet this morning. The visit was prompted by his sudden increase in water consumption. She started with a quick glucose test and *bingo* we have a diagnosis.

So today, I got to learn all about giving my cat insulin shots and the changes I have to make to his diet.

This will be an interesting schedule challenge. They have to be 12 hours apart and given at the same time every day. Hmmmmm. No running to the gym right after work. No long weekend days out and about. No sleeping in (hello 6am insulin shot). Thanksgiving out of town, not going to happen.

It will be a huge change for me but I am soooo glad that it is something treatable and I will make it work.

This makes me realize, as much as I've been feeling lost and without direction or a current big project or goal I'm working on. Maybe it was meant to be like that right now. How would I have managed this medication schedule when I was working 8-5 then off to school from 6-10pm? I'm kind of thinking I wasn't meant to do anything right now so I could be better equipped to take on this schedule for my pet's treatment.

Wish me luck with the first shot tonight. I did practice in the office with saline, but still... this will be interesting.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

My thoughts... are those my thoughts?

I do this over and over. I have a day when I'm feeling not so together and I write down my thoughts. Then the next day I read what I wrote and I think "who was that?".

Isn't that the whole point of this for me, right? Get things out, write things down so I can see where I have been, how I've processed things and have reminders of how I was able to handle whatever was going on in my life at a given time....good, bad and ugly.

I asked a friend this morning if she ever wrote down what was going thru her head when she was having a rough patch. She said that yes she has done that but she "sounded like a crazy person" so she stopped. That is how I feel.

I've always had a hard time translating the thoughts and feelings that are in my head into the right words or into well put prose so they come out exactly how they are floating in my head.

Because this is a public forum, after a scattered thought/having a rough day post, I feel compelled to post about all the things in my life that I do appreciate, love, cherish and am grateful for. God forbid that someone read what I just wrote the day before and not realize that there is more to me than being a grown woman who feels a lot lost right now. It might just be a good for ME too. I have never completely lost sight of all the good things in my life, I just need to pull them back up as the main focus.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

APB: Have you seen my Happy?

You may not want to read this: This is a major "note to self" random questions while I'm trying to figure out WTF is going on in my head kind of post, so nothing too informative or interesting for most.

I have flat out forgotten what makes me happy.

How the hell did this happen? How did I end up someone who only has happy moments but has completely lost track of overall joyful life, feeling passion, when I'm feeling blue I can do (choose from the things that make me happy list) and it make me feel better, down to my core happy peaceful state of mind.

I'm afraid that my brain has had too much time dealing with loss and tragic stuff over the last couple of years that it's been permanently rewired to operate in this mode.

I can't fucking figure out who I am and what will get me out of this state of mind.

Gawd, this is so frustrating. This isn't me, this isn't who I am.

Or have I been tricking myself? I didn't think I was dependent on outside things/relationships to define who I was and what my life was about.... but wholly shit, a lot of external things/relationships went bye bye and now I'm standing here with this blank look on my face, big blinking eyes full of confusion and I don't know what direction to go. Without that outside stuff helping to guide my decisions and helping me pick my direction I'm like a little lost kid.

Reality check
I had one major thing I had been holding on to as my "happy" and hope in life and it's gone too.   I've spent the last 6 months really struggling to find my way without it.   I've been trying really hard at parts of it.  The other part I think I've been self sabotaging.  I've been trying to hold on to that last realtionship like it was some kind of life preserver.   And who doesn't reach out for that life preserver when it's thrown their way?  It's felt like a break in the struggle, a temporary relief.  Every time I've grabbed it, I know it's only temporary relief.  Why do I do it?  I know I can swim (sticking with the analogy), in fact I'm a strong swimmer.  One thing is missing... I can't see the land and I don't know what direction to swim!

Who ever knew that having this huge blank slate of a life would be so overwhelming? I can write my story from here on out how I choose, I don't have anybody's rules (I said rules, not laws) to live by, nobody with any expectations of me, nobody dependant on me. This should be feeling carefree and like some big fat opportunity to do whatever I want, but I don't know what I want and it's really rather overwhelming.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Be careful what you wish for

So why is it that when I get what I claimed I wanted... I'm mildly upset by it?


You know, you want to move on and then you don't get a phone call that you just "knew" would be made.....and you feel all hurt by it.  One of those.  Let me stop beating my head against this brick wall and in the long run I will feel aOK.  Note to self: Remember the repercussions of answering phone calls from the Ex.

On another note....odds are looking good for the ladies that are in the giveaway! Sometime tomorrow I'll do a random number thing and let you all know who won.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Granny!?! *my ears are burning*

Out of the mouth of Granny…

Me: I don’t feel like putting on makeup today before our errands. I wish there wasn’t such a difference between how I look with and without makeup. I’d love to get the reaction ‘Wow, she looks great and no makeup’

Gran (1/2 under her breath) Yeah… ‘I could wake up to that in the morning’ is more like it.

Me: Granny!

Gran: Oh, after you are married of course.

A little reminder that my Granny actually had a life before being my Granny.

She really is too cute

She is spry but due to her eyesight dwindling she has a disabled parking pass. We only use it when really necessary but Gran puts on an act when we do. She’ll get out of the car and grab on to my arm and we walk really slow. The minute we hit the front door of the establishment, she drops the arm and off she goes in her Nike sneakers and her GAP jeans.

I love the fact that she keeps her older wig as her “house wig” to put on first thing in the AM or when there is company in the house she’ll sleep with it on. It’s hilarious to see her napping with her wig slipping ½ way off the back of her head. Wake her up, she adjusts the wig and all is good.

Good times

I love time with my family. I've been feeling rather alone (kind of orphaned) lately and a weekend with my Granny is exactly what the doctor ordered.

I have a very special relationship with my Gran. My mom had me when she was very young and we ended up living with my Gran and Gramps until my mom finished college. I think I was in 1st grade when we moved to our first apartment. My Gran was the one that was home watching me during the day while my mom was at school and work. The little lady really is my 2nd mother and boy how glad I am that I still have her in my life.

It is really sweet how she has upped her game since my mom passed. I think she feels it’s her duty to look after “Colleen’s little girl”. She pulled out all the stops and for two days asked me question after question when I told her I was taking a trip to Hawaii with the Ex. It was very dramatic at times, Granny grabbing the remote and turning off the TV, “I have some more questions for you.” She always asks me if I have “pocket money” and as soon as I leave town asks me if I’m on my way back yet. *loves loves loves*

Today I booked my ticket for Thanksgiving. Can’t wait.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Nerd Girl P*rn

So it might not be my exact choice for hot guys, but not bad.  I think I love the name of this post at The Frisky most of all.

Nerd Girl Porn: Hot Guys Playing Golf

Should I make it my life's ambition to compile my own collection of hot guys playing golf?  I've already got one under my belt.

Friday, October 9, 2009


Off for a much needed weekend with my family.  *exhale*

Can't wait to get my hands on my little Granny.

Looking forward to:

An evening of playing cards and the wonderful sarcastic smartass humor of my family that makes me feel right at home.

Trip thru Costco with Granny and watching in amazement as the little thing puts down an entire Costco hotdog and then asks, "What's for dessert?" 

Bringing home the last of the veggies that Granny has harvested from the garden.  We're down to a few cucumbers and some overgrown geen beans that she sends home for my cat. (yes, he loves green beans)

Taking flowers to my mama.

A memory bank full of funny Granny comments.  Kids and 90 year olds say the darndest things.

Rumor has it there may be an early birthday celebration in the works as well. yay.

The woman that made it all happen

It was two years ago today that my beautiful mother lost her hard fought battle with breast cancer.

She was the best woman I could have asked for to guide me thru the 35 years that I had the pleasure to be her “Kiddo”.

I could say that this day two years ago was the most defining moment in my life, however, it was really the entire year and 9 months from diagnosis to her passing. I not only learned more about who she was as a woman, I was taught and learned more about myself as an adult woman. From her I received all the strength and guidance any daughter could ask for.

We miss you, we love you. You mean more to me and our family than words can ever express.

An example of her beautiful attitude even thru chemo.

And this one just because I think it is freakin hilarious and made me giggle to no end when I came across it recently. Nothing like a good 80’s Thanksgiving throwback pic….that’s my mama! Gotta love her. ( I really hope this was a set up and she wasn't really going to town on a turkey leg like that!)

Monday, October 5, 2009

Surprise Surprise....

Well not really.

Just as I predicted (of course didn't say it out loud incase I was wrong) I heard from the Ex over the weekend.  I was expecting to hear from him sometime between finishing his last training class and leaving for overseas.   I didn't expect the call to come so quickly.

I knew at some point (just as I was getting use to the idea of not having conversations with him) I'd hear from him.  I knew he wouldn't leave without testing the waters to see if I'm considered "a friend" and if he still has some sort of connection with me.

All along I told myself that I wouldn't answer when he called. *I've heard that before*

I was out at the driving range on a beautiful Sunday morning swinging away and the phone rang.  I took a look.  I could have ignored the call.  I didn't. *again, doesn't this sound familiar*  Talking to me like normal, like the last conversation we had wasn't in an airport with me crying my eyes out as we said goodbye, the final goodbye to our relationship and the final goodbye before he leaves overseas.

I didn't have to answer... but I couldn't help it.  I think I was afraid of how I'd feel if I didn't talk to him again or cut off our communication before he deploys.

One phone call and here I go all over again trying to let go.

My freakin shots went to shit too.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Oh my EFF are you kidding me? Monkey babies?

What is wrong with TLC?

My Monkey Baby

Is this really a TV show?

I was so weirded out by the preview I know it's not even one of those things I'll watch to satisfy my freak curiosity.

I'm so confused.  So are they.

Friday, October 2, 2009

The cutest little tshirt collection I don't have *updated*

**wholly awesome for a Friday update**

I did go to order the Nerdy tshirt and when checking out they said I get a free gift and gave about 5 different shirts to choose from so I will now own this little gem as well.   *i'm dying*  Yes, I am 12.


Inspired by a cute little tshirt in this post by Melissa at New Girl on Post I decided to take a look at my little collection of "cute little tshirts i've never purchased".  They really are too cute.

This grouping is all from David & Goliath... they really make a soft comfy tshirt.

Swearing that by the end of the day today I am going to order "Talk Nerdy".


When I'm feeling a fuckingangryandbitter out of sorts these lift my spirits

Thursday, October 1, 2009

So I can read at a later date

Writing a reminder to myself that the sad spurts or feeling lonely are temporary and if I just remember to use my tools it's way manageable.

NOTE TO SELF: Remember that feeling blue is not permanent and it's a completely normal part of coping with loss. You have the tools to manage it, let it out in pieces and the end is near.

I think this will apply across the board at various times in my life for various challenging events; tackled correctly it's manageable. Might hurt, probably sucks, most likely stressful, but it can be handled.

Big accomplishment over the weekend. I got those boxes of memories, memorabilia, trinkets and what not out of my house and into storage. Wow. What a refreshing feeling to have hallways not lined with items for Goodwill and to have a dining room that isn't filled with boxes and old furniture. A.W.E.S.O.M.E

I planned to give myself time each evening to sit and reflect and be sad about the sad things, cry if needed. Guess what, I didn't even need it for the first two days. I really didn't need it but once or twice and the tears came and went, not while driving to work, not while sitting at my desk or at the "wrong" time. It made me feel like I wasn't out of control. A.W.E.S.O.M.E #2

I've been thinking bout what kind of class to take, so that part of my to do list is still in progress but I'm looking forward to having something on the agenda. I'm thinking some cooking classes.


Moi?  Needing control?  No way..... 

When I've been hit with these patches of grief and sadness my own fears turn into anxiety and make it worse. I never thought of myself as having anxiety "issues". I'm not high strung, pretty mellow actually. I kept hearing my counselor talking about how my fear of the unknown or fear of not being able to control the grief process was a big source of my anxiety. *?* "But I don't feel like I have anxiety". So I'm not a visible walking bundle of nerves. I internalize it. When it does happen, like when I start to feel I'm in a weepy phase and get scared I won't pull out and end up in some dark hole of depression (yeah that's really how I feel and it scares me to death), that fear feeds anxiety and just spirals the whole process.

The distractions so I don't sit there in my own head and think too much, combined with scheduling down times for me to go thru the sadness sooth me. It gives me a feeling of being in control over what is happening and how I'm feeling. I like it. It makes it feel manageable. A.W.E.S.O.M.E #3.

This all has been a completely new experience for me. As I have mentioned before, I've been very blessed in life to not have had to tackle hardships or much loss up until this point. Learning how to manage all of this has been very empowering.