Fueled by big cry baby dramatic PMS mood, restless nights w/o much sleep, sinus/allergy BS I feel like I just need to put my brain on ice and not make any kind of decisions for the next few days.
My coping skills right now are nill. I have been really irrational with my thinking and jumping to conclusions. Thank you hormones. I do blame this on hormones. Up until about 2 years ago, I didn't really "get" what women meant when they talked about the mood swings of PMS. Now I get it all too well. When there are issues on my plate and that time of the month hits I feel a bit like I have out of body experiences. "What did she just say" "Who just said that?" Low and behold, it was Crazy Me.
So day after day this week I think, rethink, over think, and then think some more about the situation with my Ex. Am I waiting for "a sign", a kick in the ass, a slap in the face before I make a decision? I get to a point where I'm ready to say "OK, I'm going to give him another shot" and then a day goes by and I don't hear from him and I'm convinced that it's starting all over again and he's walking away. Never mind that he's out on the ocean fishing and logical that I don't hear from him. It's moments like that that remind me of how deeply I was hurt and wonder if I'm even capable. Not if he's capable of doing what it takes to rebuild us, I don't know if I can do it. Novel concept. I lost my security and I refuse to be in a relationship where I'm *that* girl. Nobody wants to be that girl... why didn't you call? why didn't you return my text? etc. etc. etc. And it's only taking 24 hours of not hearing from him, during my pre-ladytime and I get all dramatic about it.
I want him to fix it. I want him to pull off some grand gesture that will PROOVE that he's serious and magically make all the doubt and hurt go away. I want my hormones to get back in line and a good night's sleep too.
Starting to amass my collection of golf gear.... and straight from the Barbie Collection (not really...I'm just sayin) are my new shoes and the saaaweet pink ribbon balls I found. How cute of a golfer am I gonna be!
Not a single one of my friends knows the 100% real me. I keep some parts of me to myself depending on weather or not I feel that they would understand or relate.... or not judge me.
I'm not really diggin' the person my dad has become since my mom passed. Maybe this is more the real him and parts I didn't see because he filtered them around my mom, or maybe it's still the grief occupying and temporarily changing his personality? Who knows, but I don't really enjoy spending time with him.
My mind is sometimes paralyzed by indecision. I'm so worried about making the "right" choice(s) that I get stuck and can't decided. It wears me out.
I'm really tired of going thru life without a permanent partner to lean on, to work toward goals with, to build a life and family with.
My baby steps but feels so good to see some progress in my body.
I hope this doesn't sound creepy (like weirdo stalker blog reader creepy), because it isn't coming from a place of creepiness.
I read some blogs and get a feeling of connection. If not to the person, to their story. (or both)
Today I was pouring over the blog of a courageous woman and her fight against breast cancer. The minute I got to the posts where she found out about her cancer and started her fight the water works began. It was such a mixed bag of emotions, anger at the disease, my heart breaking for yet another family affected by cancer, her three beautiful young daughters that showed such hope and resilience while their mom was fighting the battle of her life, the sweet care, concern, and abundance of prayers from friends and family, and her amazing faith thru such a horrible ordeal.
Her sharing a diary of her journey brought back so many memories of my mom and her fight against the same disease. I wish I wasn't so familiar with the terms, procedures, medications, processes and side effects that were written about. I think for a few minutes I was carried back to a time in my life that I would rather forget.
This might be something only someone who is been in my shoes can understand, but I think her writing down her journey is a beautiful gift to her children. At some point in their future, they will be able to look back and read the raw emotion and thoughts of their mother during her fight. They will see a different perspective of this time in their life, the strength of a woman fighting for her own life and for the sake of her family. They will add to the depth of their appreciation for this woman who is their #1 role model. I know I would love to have such a story on paper, in my mother's words to carry with me thru the rest of my life and share with my (future) children.
I was witness to my mother's battle when I was an adult. (I will admit that I did a lot of growing up during that time as well... from child at heart to full blown woman) I can't even imagine how I would have processed and dealt with this if I wasn't even 12 years old."The tassel was worth the hassle"
Amen.
Two and a half hours in my cap and gown, my forehead itching, and those were the parting words of the student speaker. True, but not really profound, ya know? Two of my invited guests weren't able to make it, but my four person crew sure did their best to make some noise when I walked across the stage! I finished back in March, but participating in graduation really did formalize the end of this particular chapter in my education. I was a little nervous about the event, I knew it would bring up some pretty strong emotions wishing my mom could be there (in the flesh) to see me graduate. It really was a special weekend and I got all sorts of love from my friends and family. Easy mornings at the driving range, family, friends, good food and some adult beverages. Perfect.
Oh, and the little blue box from my Auntie (and family) was a beautiful charm bracelet with a charm chosen to represent me and my mom. I think this is one charm bracelet that will never see another charm added.
Back to other matters
With the great weekend behind me, my head quickly fills with the other pressing issue I have to deal with; The Ex and his agenda. I know I'm getting stressed when I start "Future Tripping" at night rather than sleeping. Part of that was graduation and the sad feelings surrounding my mom not being here, the still somewhat strained relationship with my dad and not knowing how he would act, so of course my mind had to try and play out all the possible scenarios surrounding both of those and in my somewhat stressed state all the possibilities with the Ex slipped in there as well. What a waste of time Future Tripping is. I go thru the emotions of events that haven't even happened! It's exhausting. I have things to do to try and distract myself from this, but did I do them? No.
He wants to send me a ticket to come out to Georgia so we can see each other and try to hammer thru some things face to face. Of course, a girlfriend or two have piped in "Well if he wants to see you he should come to you." Well, yeah, that would be great but he is in the Army... doesn't really work that way for him. And then I think, "Oh..... NOW you want to talk to me face to face?" Would have been nice for him to figure this out a couple of months ago. I'm still really undecided about everything to do with this. Undecided about making the trip. Undecided about if I even want to give this a 2nd chance. Undecided regarding his sincerity. *bleh*
For now I'm in a holding pattern. I haven't said yes or no to the ticket. He's on call the one weekend that I would be available. He said he's trying to switch with someone so he can be off that weekend just in case I decide to do it. We shall see. But until I decide, no Future Tripping on this one! This is a decision I will make during daytime hours and I will just make this decision for now. I won't waste any time playing out the bazillion possible scenarios and conversations that may or may not happen.... and I will get some much needed rest.
I didn't realize how much I missed myself! No, I'm not kissing my own image in the mirror... I'm just sayin'....
Thanks to the motivation of not wanting to waste $ I spent on a trainer, I'm back into a good fitness routine. I have broken that dreaded barrier of getting back into a routine and loving to get my exercise. I LOVE reading the blogs of all of you out there that are tackling fitness and athletic goals. Very much an inspiration!
I am so much enjoying my golf clinic. I went out to practice at the range this weekend and I was able to hold on to the corrections I was given to work on and felt really good about most of my shots. I love having found a little hobby that I'm enjoying so much and that challenges me.
Still trying to figure out what all this stuff and conversations with the Ex will result in. When I start to think that I want to give him a 2nd chance, I wonder if I'm just missing and wanting back what we had or if I really want to re-build? We can't go back to what we had. If I decided to take him back, we would be building something new and it would be different. VERY different considering his upcoming move and deployment. Gawd, I'm just so damn pissed at him when I think about the good thing that he messed up. The deployment would have been a challenge regardless, but could we even pull it off with a weakened foundation? And hell yes I'm scared that he'd pull this BS again. He keeps telling me that he would be back in it 100%, he is serious, he knows what he wants and he never stopped wanting "us" and our future together (the old "I got scared, stressed, freaked out" reasoning), when he returns from the deployment he wants me to move over there with him and the whole "M" word. You know what....YOU SAID ALL THAT BEFORE and look what you did!?! Can I trust that he won't do it again? If I decide to give him that chance, I have to make sure that I will be able get over the hurt and fears and be in it 100% myself. He is trying to get me to accept a ticket for a weekend visit with him before he takes off for his TDYs (2 of them back to back before leaving-leaving).
Things that go bump in my head the night.
Things that I was afraid of aren't as scary anymore. I've been guided to seeing a different perspective that has taken away the power of many of my fears. And for others, I know that when or if these situations do occur I will bounce back. They won't send me into a dark mental pit that I can't climb my way out of. That day, Mothers Day, when I was scared of that dark place .... that was a normal part of the grief process and not a place for me to be stuck forever. Do you even have a clue how absolutely 10,000lb weight off my shoulders freeing it was to have someone tell me that was normal and I wasn't going to get stuck there?
Back to work and The New Adventures of ME! I think I need to make some changes to the blog. I no longer feel Under Construction.
Thank God.
Today I thank God for giving me the tools needed and the push to take advantage of those tools.
Today I thank God because I feel like me again. I feel like the present and engaged in living life me. I was always there, just trapped in a place I didn't like.
The tears rolling down my cheeks as I write this are oh so different than the the tears I had recently shed for weeks on end. These tears are not from grief, loss and fear. These are tears of relief, joy, peace, excitement and optimism.
Grief is tricky. Nobody can tell you how it's going to feel and there are no rules to follow. I tried, oh how I tried, to follow those unwritten family rules on how we are expected to react and behave and do and be... but those rules didn't allow me to grieve the way I needed to grieve. They didn't give me the time I needed to kind of check out and let it all out. There were expectations, things to do, people I needed to take care of. That didn't work well for me. That sneaky little bastard caught up to me in the end.
Who am I being good for?
Rules were meant to be broken. At least these rules were and I am breaking them. My whole life my actions and decisions have be wrapped around my mom, making her happy, trying to please her and make her proud. This isn't a bad thing, she laid the ground work and structure that helped make me into a strong, successful, kind, and compassionate woman. She was amazing. Any child should be so lucky to have such a great mom. But she isn't here anymore and some of these mom & family rules don't work for me.
Mom, I love you. I miss you terribly and I always will. I'm going to break some of the rules and it's a good thing! Now, I'm not going to go off and get arrested.... the foundation you laid is still there but I have been miserable trying to work by someone else's rules. I know you wouldn't want that. I know you would never have asked me to do that knowing how it was affecting my life. That was your little girl, the little girl inside of me, that wanted to please her mom and her family. I'm still the girl you love, I'm still the woman that you said you were proud to call your daughter. It's time for me to write my own rules. It's time for me to start a new part of my journey into being my own woman. You will really like her.
I AM FREE! I feel free from the grips of grief and fear that have been strangling my life. *damn it feels good*
If I spent time writing everything that I've wanted to talk thru "out loud" with myself lately I'd never have time to get anything else done. For whatever reason my brain likes to go thru all these things after I've crawled into the bed for the evening, so weeks of most nights of fitful sleep I feel like a cheese brain today.
Anyway. The Ex and the text messages from Friday turned into a phone call from him right at 5pm when he knew I'd be leaving work. Yes, I answered.
More than one conversation over the weekend. He said the things that I wanted to hear from him weeks ago. Well, actually, I'd rather they never needed to be said at all, but I finally got the conversation I was looking for, got to ask the questions I wanted to ask. The conversations were riddled with apologies, explanations (also excuses), "I fucked up"s, "I don't know what I was thinking", "you are the best woman I've ever know", etc. etc. etc. I listened, I agreed, with no holds barred I let him know what he did to me and how it made me feel. And that's where we stand. I don't know how much we will continue to talk, if we will continue to talk, if I want to do that to myself. I just don't know. I'm in a big fat cloud of the unknown right now.
If I had had this conversation with him weeks ago, when the heart ache and grief were still intertwined (part of my therapy, I've been able to distinguish what part of my sadness and reaction are from grief rather than the breakup...that is very good to be able to do), I would never have been able to pull it off in a rational manner. I would have been so blubbering with tears and sobbing I wouldn't have said what I wanted to and I don't know that he would have heard anything but a sobbing woman on the phone.
I didn't have that longing feeling pull at my gut or my heart. He gave me so much time that my mind is already starting to reprogram itself to a life with out him. A month or so ago I would have feel longing and some sort of feeling of wanting to get back together with him. Yes, even after the hurt, I wouldn't have been in a place far enough removed that those feeling wouldn't have come to the surface. I'm not over/over him by any means, but some of those connections are already broken.
This is why i'm scared....
The effin D word. The Army has finally decided where he is headed after his class this summer. After the class that I already knew about, they are sending him for an additional 3-4 (I don't remember exact time fram) of training for the new unit he will be with, then overseas and he said he'll only be there about a month before they DEPLOY. I know. Nothing new for a lot of you. In concept, not new for me either. While dating we had some very serious and realistic conversations because he wanted me to understand what his career meant and said that it wasn't a matter of if, just when he would be deployed. That's actually how I ended up first reading blogs.... I was on the internet seeing if there was anything out there about real life experiences surrounding the life military families and I stumbled across a blog of a girl who's husband was in the same career and at the same place in his career as my Ex.
But now it's here and I'm scared. Scared of what I'm not sure, he's not even my boyfriend anymore but I do still love him and it is kind of freaking me out.
