Excuses

I don't understand how one person can have so many damn excuses…. excuses for every effing thing in the universe. Excuses that prevent them from having to take any kind of hard look at their own decisions and responsibility for whatever circumstance the excuses are for this time.


Never mind that tens of thousands of people out there in the exact same circumstances that do make whatever the situation it is happen. They have been dealt the same deck of cards and many of them are able to handle their business, so how is it an excuse for you not to?

Oh and it gets better, this person also has the nerve to complain about others who do the same damn thing that they do.... and not even a twinge of recognition that they do the exact same thing.

Grow the eff up. Stop being a victim.

*grrrr*

Back in the days when I was young I'm not a kid anymore ...

(FYI... love that song)

Looking thru some boxes from my mom's house I came across a ton of childhood memories that had been stored away in the back of my brain somewhere.  It was awesome.  Then today a girlfriend started to tell us how she came across some books she had loved as a kid and one thing lead to another and we've spent a good part of the day (on breaks and lunch of course) discussing our favorites from when we were kids.

There were a lot of the obvious, but here are some of mine that were reaching a little further into the memory banks.

Sticker Books

Mine were actually kept by my mom and discovered over the weekend. Unicorns and rainbows were my favorites at the time.  All carefully cut out and classified in their own category pages. The photo albums that housed them appropriately covered rainbow stripe fabric and ribbons.

Colorforms

I know I had more than one set... but Holly Hobby was the only one I could remember off the top of my head.  At the time I thought I was all fancy and more sophisticated than paper dolls.  Who knew?  They also made the "sewing cards".

Game

Oh how I longed for this game.... I made sure that it was the ONLY thing that I told my Auntie that I wanted for Christmas.  She was the one that was good for getting you exactly what you said you wanted, but I didn't want to mess up my chances by giving her any options.

Fashion Plates & Flip n' Fold Fashions

I had totally forgot about the Flip n' Fold fashions.  I was super jealous of my cousin owning this one.  It was a little tricky to get the fabric just so and I think there might have been some uncontrolled giggle fests surrounding an exposed plastic boob in one daring fashion experiment.

Books

None of my friends knew of, let alone read, Old Mother West Wind books by Thornton Burgess.  It took me forever to even figure out the name.  I knew they were stories that had to do with animals but the only suggestions that ever came up were "Wind in the Willows" or "Frog & Toad" and I knew those weren't it.  Thanks to my BFF and her hubby for coming up with the answer.  Then to find out that these are *like* ancient writings.  Great kids books, I would get lost in the stories.

One of my absolute fav books of all, which is really nothing like the current movie; Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs.  Oh the visuals I had when reading this book!

P.S. I think it is a crock of shit that most of these pictures came from web sites advertising "antiques".  Kiss my not so old to be an antique booty!  Exception being the series of books that were written in the early 1900's, those get an obvious pass.

Go Little Man Go! *peeing* w/ bonus GIVEAWAY advertising

What a perfect TGIF post.  This is too good ... you've got to watch.

I will go thru the rest of my friday with a big happy smile on my face, I can already hear the sound of the golf balls I will be hitting this evening, I've got a stack of books for the "in front of the fire" reading that is coming up as the weather gets cooler and my new mattress will delivery on Tuesday!  It's a good day.



GIVEAWAY

And to top off a Friday.... The. Mrs at  Trying Our Best has posted a Giveaway(check it out here) !  We all love a good book, and if you haven't already go check it out, enojoy the blog and comment to win while your at it!

The Trials of the Honorable F. Darcy

I'm sorry, but I've got to say it....

These two headlines today make my vajayjay nervous:
"Whoa, baby! Woman delivers 19lb baby boy"
"Woman gets pregnant twice...not twins"


And this one?  Nice, I guess in the land of Starbucks coffee pimps were to be expected?  Let me not even get started on the coffee stand down the street that advertises bikini baristas as "sexy young girls" "how may we serve you" and "cream with your coffee?":
"Bikini baristas accused of prostitution"

My Blessings

I see a pattern. After I talk about feeling bad, I then want to make sure everyone (blog, "the universe", God) knows that there is more than weepy feelings and loss in my life. I do have good things in my life as well and I do appreciate the heck out of them.

First and foremost I am blessed with my life. I had an accident over the summer and it was an honest to God blessing that I was not seriously injured, or worse.

I am healthy.

I have friends & family that would do anything for me.

I had 35 years with the best mother I could have ever hoped for.

It can hurt like a SOB when & if it ends, but I am happy to say I know what it feel like to love and be loved. It didn't work out in the end, but my last relationship was an amazing relationship while it lasted. I felt loved. I was adored and treated like I should be. I am grateful for that. If I hadn't experienced feeling loved in a healthy relationship, I think I'd be prone to continue to settle for less in my future relationships.

I have a job that is currently stable.

After years of juggling working full time & school I GRATUATED last spring!

I have discovered that I am resilient. I feel that I have strengths and the skills (or at least I know who to talk to for help) to tackle just about anything that life is going to throw my way.

Yes, I'm having a bit of a tough time right now with certain events and emotions but that in no way means I don't appreciate and see the positive in my life. Life isn't black & white; it doesn't have to be all one or all the other. It's one big mixed up ball of unexpected twists and turns!

This is who I am.... good, bad, sad, happy, angry, joyful... all rolled into one.

New tools for the box

OK,so that sounds a little more suggestive than it should.  But that's not a bad ider either. *ummmmm*

I needed my counselor to tell me that my weepy mood as of late is normal.  I'm scared to death of getting stuck in that weepy place so some stress and anxiety are immediately taken away when I'm told it is normal and will pass.  Still feels sucky in the mean time, but I know it will go away again just like it did last spring.

I don't like to hear about or face how much loss and trauma I've gone thru in such a short period of time.  I want to act like it's no big thing, water off a ducks back.   I feel a bit guilty even saying I'm having a tough time when there are people out there that have lost even more than I have.   I needed permission to feel bad.  Crazy as that sounds.  I need someone to remind me that I am human and it does hurt and it's a lot to handle in a short period of time.  It is OK to acknowledge all that, no guilt necessary.

So here it is.  I'm not whining. I'm not looking for pity.  I'm not in a place of "poor me".  I'm not feeling guilty. These are just the facts.

The last two years:
I lost my mom to breast cancer
I lost my dad (step-dad of 24 years) to his own grief
I lost my family as I knew it (we do seem to be pulling ourselves back together. thank god)
I lost my love
I lost the life I thought I was heading toward
And while all this was going on, lets throw in being involved in a fatality car accident this summer.

I'm going to feel lost.  I'm going to be sad.  I feel like I have no control.  I'm desperate for control.  I can't control any of those things that happened, I just need to figure out a way to process it and deal with it at it comes.

I have some new tools to work with.  We worked out an approach so I can feel like I have some control while at the same time allowing my feelings to come out and deal with them as they do.  Structure is good for me right now, that helps to self sooth, satisfies that need for control.  Within that structure I give myself time each day for the weepys, the sad, whatever it is that needs to get out.   I don't need to figure out and recreate my entire life and goals and the path I want to take right this minute. As much as I want to feel that level of control it's unrealistic and actually rather overwhelming to try and get a grasp on all at once.  Those options and opportunities will be there in a few weeks after I've gone thru this rough patch.

So the tools for right now are:

• Structure with time given daily to go thru the emotions
• Finding a class or hobby that has to do with creativity and tapping into that side of my brain
• Reclaiming my house and making it my comfort zone again.  It is currently filled with boxes of my mom's possessions and a sorting project that is just too overwhelming right now.  That all is going to a storage locker until I feel I want to tackle it.
• Movies.  Yes!  Movies. Funny ones.  Something to get me out of my own head space and focusing on someone elses story.
• Celebrate my life... aka my birthday.

 Time for a nap.

Hum Drums

I'm kind of all over the place these last few months.  One week I'm excited and feeling like my old self, optimistic and a "go get 'em" attitude then I start feeling lost again.

Time to go in to the counselor for a tune up!  Maybe she can help me figure out what it is.

I'm thinking part of it is going thru the get-over-let-go-move-on process again after the final closure weekend with the Ex.  This is the time of year we met and as it's a transition time with the weather and daylight hours and all of that it reminds me of our first dates when he was still living here.  I still miss all those thoughts.  He is at his last set of training before he moves overseas.  It's been three week since I saw him and haven't talked to him since so I'm going thru that phase where it feels really strange not knowing what he's doing or hearing about his training and travels.  Yes, I'll admit I don't help things when I take a look online to see what the weather is like where he is at.

Another part is we're approaching the anniversary of my mother's passing.  October 9th will be two years since we lost her.  I do remember feeling the blues this same time last year so this one is pretty obvious.

But last year I was part of a team.  I need to make that transition back to being me on my own.  It was really the first time in my life that I had ever opened up in a realtionship and let myself truely lean on someone... count on that man to get me thru when I was feeling weak, and actually letting him see those moments when I wasn't feeling like the strong one.  I liked it. This transition back is harder than I thought it would be.

It will be interesting to see if I'm on track or if the counselor brings up somethign else I've been missing.  I know I've said it before but seeing her really is the best decision I've made in a very long time.

Travel blues...

Why oh why am I being taunted by weekly emails telling me how great the prices are on flights to Hawaii?

OK, so yeah, I did sign up for the email alerts... I'm just sayin'.

It's very hard not to say an early "Happy Birthday to Me" and book a flight.   Oh how I luv Hawaii. *sigh*

Project ME!

Forget holding on, forget being sad over things that didn't happen, forget sitting around and feeling like life is just happening to me. I'm really done feeling like that.

The 3.5 years have been one change after another. Some have been good, some have been bad and the last 6 months have really been packed!

I'm going to try and spin this into the positive. I know there will always be tough/sad times in life, but right now I'm turning all that ish into somewhat of a clean slate.

I feel like I have been living my life to please other people. That's just a function of how I grew up... do good, make mom/grandma/family/man proud, get praise, etc etc. etc. I need to revisit the question, "Who am I being good for?" or rather "Who am I living for?" and the answer has got to be a resounding "ME!" Yes, I do thinkg here and there to make myself happy, but this is going to be bigger picture stuff. I need to find my own motivation for accomplishing goals and making my mark in the world. It need not matter if my mom or anyone else is there to say she is proud or uphold a set of rules and expectations for me. I need to be able to do that on my own, to please myself not because that is what mom, dad, granny, friend, or man in my life expects.

I'm a little intimidated because this is new. I've done well in my life but never truly just to please myself. Scary because I think I have higher expectations for myself than anyone else ever could, maybe that's why it was easier to do things to meet their expectations rather than my own. Good lord, what could be worse than disappointing myself? That would suck.

Adding to my description

I have another word to add to my description: AUTHENTIC.

That is how I want to be in all relationships. I've really been evaluating my relationship with the Ex to learn from it. I realized there were a lot of times that I wasn't being the 100% real deal me. I'm all about learning and growing in a relationship but there were times that I was trying to change my personality that weren't about growth, they were about editing who I am. I didn't hide or edit the really important things... I wasn't being a fake person, but I wasn't being authentic. I sometimes felt like a child does with their parent, you want to do well, you want their approval, you don't want to disappoint. Things about me that I knew weren't his "ideal" I would try to minimize. Things like, oh... my sarcasms and potty mouth. Those are the two biggies that I can think of. Do you realize how hard it is to hide sarcasm? I mean, until someone who doesn't care for it starts pointing out how often things come out of your mouth with a sarcastic twist you don't realize how much that really is ingrained into your personality. I'll admit, there were times when I'd say something and not at all intend for it to be sarcastic and it was coming out that way. That was helpful, to be mindful of "tone" so I don't come across sarcastic when that's not what I intend. But let’s be honest here, most of the time I do intend to be sarcastic... that is the AUTHENTIC me.

So I'm expanding that to all aspects of me and my relationships. It is just too tiring trying to edit myself in any relationship.

So here I go


To new beginnings, learning, living, adventures and more words to add to my description!  Oh... hopefully some love too! ;-)

Letting go and recreating

I'm having a hard time letting go. I can't seem to let go of my "old life" and get moving in a new direction.

Over the last two years I've had to mourn the loss of some very important people and family structures. I lost my mom to breast cancer, I lost my dad to his grief, I lost the family structure as I had known it, and I lost my partner and love of my life (so I thought) to heartache.

There is an unexpected aftermath to all this. Now I find myself mourning the loss of something that hadn’t even happened yet… parts of my life. I hadn’t been able to put my finger on exactly what it was and with the help of the wonderful counselor it was pin pointed. It’s the intangibles, some of them fresher than others. The thoughts of my mom not being around to see my children and be that wonderful grandma that she would be, my dad not being the person I thought he would be in my life and preparing that I might not ever get him back, and the changes associated with the ending of the relationship.

I usually welcome change. I get bored and feel stagnant when there aren’t some changes up in the mix every couple of years but this feels different. I’ve felt overwhelmed, then eased into feeling settled again and then *bam* another hit. I was wrapping my head around how different life would be with my mom gone, but I also had a new life I was creating with the Ex. That gave me some focus. I put a lot of thought into how different life would be with him being in the military. We talked about it quite a lot, both of us wanting to make sure that I was prepared and going into this with open eyes. I had wrapped my head around the idea and committed to it. Then that all flew out the window too.

It’s been hard for me to just change gears. Plugging along and then “Oh shit, what do I do now?” The time it took me to settle into this new life, it feels like it’s going to take me just as long to let go and work on another new life. I’m not that patient!

My life has had major changes and needs reconstruction. I want to embrace this as an opportunity to recreate. I’ve been trying, I really have. I’ve taken on some new hobbies, I’ve gotten back into taking care of me with my fitness and diet and I’ve given myself permission to really be my own woman and write my own rules for my life. BUT (of course there is a but) I’m still feeling lost.

I’m holding on to the thoughts of what I no longer have. It’s harder than I thought to transition back, start on a new plan, and get moving on the implementation.

Why is it so hard to let go of a part of your life that didn’t even get the chance to materialize?

Luck o' the Norsk

It's about dang time.  There was some good luck for me this week.  This was pure good luck, not the "I walked away from a horrific accident alive" kind of luck that I had earlier in the summer.  *man above if you are listening* Not that I would trade that kind of Guardian Angel luck for anything, I'm just saying that random all positive good luck feels great!

Wal-Mart trip that ended well

Mama hit a progressive JACKPOT on penny slot machines!!!!!  I really do like to gamble and fortunately for me I don't have too much of an addictive type of personality so keep it to some outings with the girls/family a handful of times a year.   It started with a trip to WalMart.  There isn't one close to where I live so it's a bit of a drive....but it was a nice evening and I didn't really feel like sitting at home (or going to the gym) so I decided to go up to Wally World to get some things and knock out grocery shopping as well.   So happens that WM is about 1/2 a mile away from a nice big casino.  I was done shopping and still didn't feel like heading home so I decided to take the $50 in my wallet and go in and have a cocktail and play some slots.  B.I.N.G.O.   I think all the funny feelings about going to the casino alone flew out the window when I won big.

Treat

So after replenishing the savings account (depleted from having to buy a new car) I treated myself to MY NEW SET OF GOLF CLUBS.  My first set ever.  Because of the car purchase I was going to wait to buy them until next spring but I just couldn't wait any longer.  The weather her has been horrible so I didn't get to play over the weekend but last night I hit the driving range and felt like an official golfer with my own clubs.


Drama, heart ache, feeling a bit ungrounded all aside.   Life is feeling pretty good this week. *woot*

A change is brewin....

Yesterday I went back and read all my blog entries.  That was interesting.  Not that I'm all that far away from when I started... it was just a litle trip down short term memory lane.

Interesting that I signed a pissed off letter to my Ex "TheWomanYouCan'tGetBack" and although it was up in the air for a minute, I was right.

I've been pretty random in my blogging.  I read blogs that seem to have some sort of consistency to the posts and mine has none of that.  Sometimes it is a journal, sometimes I'm posting things and talking to people that really aren't there (like I have a lot of readers!  But thank you to the few that I know do read!!), sometimes it's just because I'm feeling dorky about something and want to share... and I like to do stuff on the computer anyway.

I remember settling on the name "Under Construction" becuase I had no clue what else to use and I had no clue what form my blog was going to take.  Funny how it still hasn't really taken much form at all, maybe once I start dating again I'll have some direction. *oh yay... not*

I don't feel that name fits anymore.  Under Construction is one of those temporary messages for unfinished web sites or roads that look like they lead to nowhere.  Yeah, I'm still building my life but I don't like that name anymore.  I've got some ideas so I predict in the near future I'll change things up a tiny bit.

If I keep this up I just imagine how it will feel to look back maybe over a year and reflect and be reminded of of my thoughs and what I was up to at the time.  I've never been a journal writer but I'm starting to see more and more of the appeal.

Question: Where the hell is spell check?  I managed to do something that changed up the post editor thingy and spell check went away.  I may be good with numbers, but I super suck at spelling.

Ouch that hurt...

Have you ever rubbed salt in your own wound? If not, I don't recommend it... apparently I couldn't help myself and gave it a try.

I said my final goodbye to the Ex this weekend. Let me correct that, I couldn't actually bring myself to say the words "good bye". With him leaving and shortly to deploy those words couldn't come out of my mouth, it sounded too final for me to feel comfortable saying.

The weekend was bitter sweet. We didn't talk about anything serious or our situaiton until the end. He did try to bring it up once and I brushed it off. We were enjoying a loverly day out at the lake and I just couldn't ruin that with a serious relationship conversation.

That was the salt. I was soaking in ever bit of good times we were having and that just made the parting worse. Even so, if I to do the weekend all over again I wouldn't have changed anything. We had fun times with dinner and drinks and a relaxing day out on the boat (*sniff* I'll miss her too!) AND I played my first 9 holes on a full blown golf course. Yup yup. Moved up from the driving range and Par 3 courses.

Anyway. The time came to get ready to go and I was so so so close to pulling my usual "try and avoid the pain at all costs" maneuver and give in to a compromise and relationship situation that I know would leave me feeling miserable and unfullfilled. But I didn't. I knew it was going to hurt and I dove in anyway.  In this respect I feel that I've grown and in the long run this will be better for me.   Kind of like ripping the band aid and getting it all over quickly rather than drawing things out over the next year and reaching the same conclusion.

I started the dreaded conversation, and it ended with us both coming to the conclusion that if things aren't solid between us now having a relationship with him overseas and deployed just isn't possible.  His solution is that we "remain friends".  *eyes rolling out of my head cross the floor out the door across the street...*  Parts of it got a little icky.   I told him what it was I had needed and wanted to hear to feel the reassurance from him that he was serious and really wanted us to be together..... inside I was damn near begging for him to turn around and say back to me the words that I just told him I needed to hear. He didn't. He went back to say things like "I told you when we started talking again what I wanted." Boy, that sure holds a lot of passion and really makes me feel like you want it. *not* I got accused of not being understanding regarding his circumstances and that me expecting him to have been able to come up with a weekend for us to talk prior to now just wasn't possible. *again not true*

OK, so sparing futher stooopid details about a conversation that is over and done with. We went in to the airport, got me checked in and stood at security with me crying my eyes out, him trying to wipe my tears, me not being able to say good bye and telling him to take care of himself, be safe and all of that.

It was the worst plane ride ever. Crazy lady with the not-so-cute puffy crying eyes and snotty nose walking thru the airports on her way home from the last visit she will have with the man she thought she was going to marry.

Suck x 100.