The T Word

** commentary**

I wrote the following post last week, but didn't publish it.  I hesitated because I was unsure if this is something I wanted to share or what I wanted my blog to be about.  But hey, this is me and what I'm going thru right now so in addition to just random stuff I'm thinking of this is all a part of my journey in life.   Maybe someone will read it and realize that there is someone else out there feeling some of the same things that they are.  So here it goes.. my reality.

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The T Word
I knew I’d feel sad on Mother’s Day, but it hit me like a ton of bricks on Sunday AM. I had what I can only classify as a full on melt down. I recovered from it by the afternoon, but it was something heavier than anything I’ve felt since my mom passed and it scared the shit out of me. I do not want to get stuck in that place, I don’t want to visit that place ever again. That prompted me to make a phone call today. One that I’ve been contemplating since the summer of 2007 while my mom was still sick but as her prognoses was getting worse. One of my best friends had given me the card for the “mental health” group of doctors that she uses. She had asked her therapist to recommend any that specialize in grief counseling and gave it to me to have “just in case”. Just in case is right now, I’ve decided to go talk thru my life with a professional. I made an appointment with a therapist.

I struggled with this idea, not because I’m opposed to therapy or anything like that but because I felt like these are normal events that I should be able to handle. I have been handling it, so I thought, but maybe my way of handling it (aka trying to ignore painful things) just isn’t quite the right way to really be done with it. Sunday AM was so overwhelming that I started to think that maybe this isn’t normal and maybe I’m not processing the last two years worth of stuff in a productive way. I just don’t want to get stuck feeling this way.

** update**

I had my firs appointment today.  I'm glad I went.  Having never been thru a loss like this, it was reassuring to have someone tell me what I'm feeling is normal.   Other than mentioning it happened, we didn't talk at all about the ex or ending of the relationship.  She strictly focused for now on my grief and as she listened pointed out that I had had layers of grief building up and never got to deal with one layer before the next one was piled on and it's "kicking my butt".  So for now, talking thru all of that so I can let it out and not let it sneak up on me in the future.

Daunting task, stuff I don't want to face because it hurts but I'm going to tackle it so I can move forward fresh.