Monday, May 4, 2009

Oh my & thank you

What a crazy release this post was turning into. I'm going to break it into bits, for my own sanity and anyone who reads this.

It hit me full on today, I have to face it... the hurt and pain that I'm feeling right now is way beyond relationship stuff.  That is a large chunk of it and the big fat straw that broke the camels back. My relationship was a happy distraction for me, now that's gone and I've got over two years worth of hurt and loss and things falling apart that I haven't fully dealt with either.  All stored up and it's really kicking my ass. I knew it was lurking but either over estimated my ability to keep it squashed away or underestimated the effect it really had on me. I feel like I have about zero coping skills today.

The catalyst:

My heart ripped in two and fell on the floor today when I was reading another bloggers writings about the loss of her dad. She was saying so many things that I had felt but never fully expressed when I lost my mom.

My mom died from breast cancer in October of 2007. I miss her. It just so happens to be the week of Mother's Day.   *oh wait.. connection?*  Funny how I often miss these obvious connections when I'm trying to figure out why I'm feeling not quite myself. 

This is why I wanted to start blogging. I need to tell this stuff to someone because keeping it inside just doesn't work for me anymore. I haven't been keeping it inside because it is a secret, it's because that is the default way I deal with painful things. I don't like to hurt (duh, who does) so my mind does tricky little things to make me feel OK for the moment. I come up with tons of distractions. That works temporarily, while the rest of the mess is shoved into some little black box hopefully forgotten.   Oh, I let bits and pieces out.   Enough to make me feel like I'm actually dealing with and processing whatever it is that's going on.  I doubt I'm fooling anyone but myself.   My friends keep their eyeballz on me making sure I'm OK thru the tough stuff and ALWAYS making it known that I am loved and supported.  I think one suspects I'm a Fembot because I don't cry in front of her enough. *?*  Yes, "I'm fine", is what I tell them.  Which I really am.  I'm not sick, I'm not in the hospital, I'm not in danger.  I do have a lot to be thankful for and have had many many blessing in my life.  I'm just going thru some of the rough parts.

The truth is, I've been afraid that I'm not going to be able to keep all that shit in the black box right where it belongs.   Not only that, recent events have given me even more shit to shove in there.   I don't want to deal with it!  I know I will have to so I can really feel better permanent style.  So I stand strong (more on the outside than the inside), I do what I need to do, work, school, family, friends and pray to God that I don't lose faith while I figure out a way to deal with this all in manageable bits.

Thank you bloggers for sharing your stories... the funny, the ranting & venting, the hurt and progress.  Even before I started blogging myself, I thought this a really great forum for people to share and learn from each others experiences.    


T said...

Yeah... sometimes reading other blogs is helpful. Sometimes it flat out hurts. I get this.

So weird that your mom died a month after my dad. And the whole other soldier thing too... weird.

I've been down lately too. And I realize that I'm angry. Will be blogging that soon, I'm sure.


Your Girl Leah said...

I am really grateful to read your post, actually, I know you just wanted to take it down but it really touched me. I also could relate to it (on a different scale) because a few years ago I remember distracting myself with a new relationship and didn't deal with the pain and sorrow the divorce and years of a bad marriage. After the break up of that relationship, I was left having to deal with that PLUS with the other stuff. Thank god for 1 and 1/2 years of amazing therapy and lots of self discovery, I think I got through it. But yeah, that sadness has a way of not quite going away and hiding in the shadows unless exposed to light. Love you.

Crazy Shenanigans said...

I'm sorry your having a rough time...yet at the same time I'm glad to know that I'm not alone. I hope everything will be ok.