Ouch that hurt...

Have you ever rubbed salt in your own wound? If not, I don't recommend it... apparently I couldn't help myself and gave it a try.

I said my final goodbye to the Ex this weekend. Let me correct that, I couldn't actually bring myself to say the words "good bye". With him leaving and shortly to deploy those words couldn't come out of my mouth, it sounded too final for me to feel comfortable saying.

The weekend was bitter sweet. We didn't talk about anything serious or our situaiton until the end. He did try to bring it up once and I brushed it off. We were enjoying a loverly day out at the lake and I just couldn't ruin that with a serious relationship conversation.

That was the salt. I was soaking in ever bit of good times we were having and that just made the parting worse. Even so, if I to do the weekend all over again I wouldn't have changed anything. We had fun times with dinner and drinks and a relaxing day out on the boat (*sniff* I'll miss her too!) AND I played my first 9 holes on a full blown golf course. Yup yup. Moved up from the driving range and Par 3 courses.

Anyway. The time came to get ready to go and I was so so so close to pulling my usual "try and avoid the pain at all costs" maneuver and give in to a compromise and relationship situation that I know would leave me feeling miserable and unfullfilled. But I didn't. I knew it was going to hurt and I dove in anyway.  In this respect I feel that I've grown and in the long run this will be better for me.   Kind of like ripping the band aid and getting it all over quickly rather than drawing things out over the next year and reaching the same conclusion.

I started the dreaded conversation, and it ended with us both coming to the conclusion that if things aren't solid between us now having a relationship with him overseas and deployed just isn't possible.  His solution is that we "remain friends".  *eyes rolling out of my head cross the floor out the door across the street...*  Parts of it got a little icky.   I told him what it was I had needed and wanted to hear to feel the reassurance from him that he was serious and really wanted us to be together..... inside I was damn near begging for him to turn around and say back to me the words that I just told him I needed to hear. He didn't. He went back to say things like "I told you when we started talking again what I wanted." Boy, that sure holds a lot of passion and really makes me feel like you want it. *not* I got accused of not being understanding regarding his circumstances and that me expecting him to have been able to come up with a weekend for us to talk prior to now just wasn't possible. *again not true*

OK, so sparing futher stooopid details about a conversation that is over and done with. We went in to the airport, got me checked in and stood at security with me crying my eyes out, him trying to wipe my tears, me not being able to say good bye and telling him to take care of himself, be safe and all of that.

It was the worst plane ride ever. Crazy lady with the not-so-cute puffy crying eyes and snotty nose walking thru the airports on her way home from the last visit she will have with the man she thought she was going to marry.

Suck x 100.

Gymgasim

That is what happened to me today when I had weight and measurement evaluation with my trainer!
Since I started tracking... lost from my body are:

11lbs
1.5" each thigh
2" hips
4.5" waist (yup yup)
3/4" each upper arm
1" chest

Body fat reduced by 5%

I know this isn't earth shattering but rather slow and steady. This means that I'm back into my good habits. It's not a crunch to drop 10lbs in 3 weeks on a "diet" it's making the small adjustments that are the balance between me being healthy and not feeling at all deprived.

Little more work to go and that's all on my end, I have not been so good with my cardio and that's what I need to do to carve off a little more of the padding.

Only 10lbs to my fighting weight! woot woot

The Alamo & Unfinished Business

Looks like I'm off to The Alamo to take care of some unfinished business.

Well, it was finished business that has since gotten complicated and became unfinished but you get what I'm sayin'?

Going to see The Ex for a weekend.

This all relates to The Ex and his change of heart and asking me to give him a second chance. Yeah, that started months ago and we're just now actually getting to a face to face. He'll try and say it's all because of the Army and the timing. I say that is only part of the issue and that he has had plenty of opportunity to make this happen before now. That is a huge part of why I think it is probably going to be a final good bye rather than the start of trying to put things back together.

He waited too long. With his upcoming overseas move whether or not there was even time to rebuild something strong enough to last thru that was already questionable (to me). And then he has waited, and waited, and waited to make this happen. He knew that I was open to the idea but I felt that there needed to be a face to face discussion before I could even make a decision and it didn't happen.

Am I being unreasonable and not understanding enough of what he's been going thru with his career, career path changes, the Army, the Army's penchant for changes, etc etc etc? I don't think so, but I'm not on that side of the fence. I do know that when we met and for the year and a half that we were together he was in the Army, he was and did start and complete the first year of his job, and all thru that he made sure that he made things happen between us, visits and the phone calls (even if just for 10 seconds to say hello) and text messages etc. So because of that, I feel that if he really wanted it he would have made it happen... because he has been able to make that happen before.

I haven't been thru a deployment, but I can only imagine the solid foundation and strength in the relationship that is needed for it to be successful. We HAD that, but then it was broken and I just don't know how that can even be fixed in time.

I guess regardless of it being because of circumstances outside of his control I don't think there is enough time left. It's about 7-8 weeks before he will leave for overseas, he's finishing up his current training in a couple of weeks then off to another state for another 3 weeks and then bye bye for a long time.

I wonder why I'm even going to see him? It has been a little over 4 months since we broke up and it is probably too late, but I feel that I just need to make sure. Seeing him, seeing if there is still a connection, seeing if this is something keep trying for is something I have to do. This was a man that made me feel loved like I never have before, this was a man that I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with... even with the heartbreak, I just have to make sure.

Resilience

I am resilient! I came across this article today and crazy as it is, reading about dealing with hardship made me perk up. It made me perk up because *smacking my forehead doh* I am resilient. Yup, I just realized that I have a new word to add when folks ask me to describe myself. I hadn't ever had this word in my description. Until recently I was blessed to have a life that had so far lacked hardship. *Amen* Having this new word in my description makes me feel good. I know I can take whatever comes my way and bounce back. It's official.

I've had some ish to deal with lately, the accident I was in was something new, but the old stuff was still lurking and issues with my dad popped up again last week. I will write more about that at some point in the near future, that's a whole dump truck full of shit to get off my chest!

Today I realize that thru the last 3.5 years I have faced my challenges and not run away. I have come out a stronger person that I ever realized I was. I am a different woman, one that I like a lot. I have been able to find joy, pleasure and laughs along the way. I have an amazing group of friends and family whose support has made all the difference in the word. There is always a positive perspective that I can dig out from somewhere. So I'm dealing with my stuff, I'm losing some relationships and building others even stronger, I'm back to hitting golf balls, driving around in my new car that I loves and feeling engaged in my own life again.

Now that being said, enough already! lol Let me finishing healing before something else brews up.

RESILIENCE: Build skills to endure hardship

Resilience — Improve coping skills so that you can handle life's hardships better.
From MayoClinic.com

When something goes wrong, do you tend to bounce back or fall apart? When you have resilience, you harness inner strengths and rebound more quickly from a setback or challenge, whether it's a job loss, an illness, a disaster or the death of a loved one.

In contrast, if you lack resilience, you tend to dwell on problems, feel victimized, become overwhelmed and turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as substance abuse. You may even be more inclined to develop mental health problems.

Resilience won't make your problems go away. But resilience can give you the ability to see past them, find enjoyment in life and handle stress better. If you aren't as resilient as you'd like to be, you can develop skills to become more resilient.

Resilience means adapting to adversity

Resilience is the ability to roll with the punches. It means that although you encounter stress, adversity, trauma or tragedy, you keep functioning, both psychologically and physically.

Resilience isn't about toughing it out or living by old cliches, such as "grin and bear it." It doesn't mean you ignore your feelings. When adversity strikes, you still experience anger, grief and pain, but you're able to go on with daily tasks, remain generally optimistic and go on with your life. Being resilient also doesn't mean being stoic or going it alone. In fact, being able to reach out to others for support is a key component of being resilient.

Resilience and mental health

Resilience helps protect you against mental health problems, such as depression and anxiety. It can also help offset factors that put you at risk of mental illness, such as lack of social support, being bullied or previous trauma. And being resilient can help you cope better with an existing mental illness.

Tips to improve your resilience

Working on your mental well-being is just as important as working on your physical health. If you want to strengthen your resilience, try these tips:

Get connected. Build strong, positive relationships with family and friends, who provide support and acceptance. Volunteer, get involved in your community, or join a faith or spiritual community.

Find meaning. Develop a sense of purpose for your life. Having something meaningful to focus on can help you share emotions, feel gratitude and experience an enhanced sense of well-being.

Start laughing. Finding humor in stressful situations doesn't mean you're in denial. Humor is a helpful coping mechanism. If you can't find any humor in a situation, turn to other sources for a laugh, such as a funny book or movie.

Learn from experience. Think back on how you've coped with hardships in the past. Build on skills and strategies that helped you through the rough times, and don't repeat those that didn't help.

Remain hopeful. You can't change what's happened in the past, but you can always look toward the future. Find something in each day that signals a change for the better. Expect good results.

Take care of yourself. Tend to your own needs and feelings, both physically and emotionally. This includes participating in activities and hobbies you enjoy, exercising regularly, getting plenty of sleep and eating well.

Keep a journal. Write about your experiences, thoughts and feelings. Journaling can help you experience strong emotions you may otherwise be afraid to unleash. It also can help you see situations in a new way and help you identify patterns in your behavior and reactions.

Accept and anticipate change. Expecting changes to occur makes it easier to adapt to them, tolerate them and even welcome them. With practice, you can learn to be more flexible and not view change with as much anxiety.

Work toward a goal. Do something every day that gives you a sense of accomplishment. Even small, everyday goals are important. Having goals helps you look toward the future.

Take action. Don't just wish your problems would go away or try to ignore them. Instead, figure out what needs to be done, make a plan and take action.

Maintain perspective. Look at your situation in the larger context of your own life and of the world. Keep a long-term perspective and know that your situation can improve if you actively work at it.

Practice stress management and relaxation techniques. Restore an inner sense of peace and calm by practicing such stress-management and relaxation techniques as yoga, meditation, deep breathing, visualization, imagery, prayer or muscle relaxation.
When to seek professional advice

Becoming more resilient takes time and practice. If you don't feel you're making progress — or you just don't know where to start — consider talking to a mental health professional. With their guidance, you can improve your resiliency and mental well-being.

Resilience helps you thrive

Resilience can help you endure loss, chronic stress, traumatic events and other challenges. It'll enable you to develop a reservoir of internal resources that you can draw on, and it may protect you against developing some mental illnesses or help you cope better with an existing mental illness. Resilience will help you survive challenges and even thrive in the midst of hardship.
http://health.msn.com/health-topics/caregiving/end-of-life/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100242451&gt1=31052

Are they just words?

I have a very deep emotional reaction to the 6 words below; they make me cry.

I don't know if my reaction to this is because of my longing to reach the place where I can really follow the words or if it is because of the circumstances when these words were last spoken to me. It was a very kind man, a Chaplin from the local fire department who was trying to help ease my soul when I was in turmoil.

John 14:1 " Let not your heart be troubled..."

It was only a matter of time... Snuggie mania

Are you surprised?

I am loud and proud about my love of my Snuggie ( just in case you missed it) ... but NO, this is not my pet and I wouldn't go this far.

But are you surprised that someone has?



Photo courtsey of Allstar Products the maker of this little gem.

Back to my other reality

Isn't it interesting how a sudden event in your life can demand so much attention at the time that any other issues or struggles in your life quickly move to the background, almost like they don't even exist? *poof* They are gone... unfortunately not forgotten.

The stress in the forefront of my brain recently was having to go out and replace my car this last weekend. Now that the car is purchased and that piece is over with, guess what? That other stuff is still there and has to be dealt with.

I'm still struggling with the relationship with my father. He called last week and asked that in the next two weeks I come over and get my "memories" out of the house. He said he doesn't want to feel responsible for them if something were to happen to the house and I lost them. I know there is more to it than that, but hey, I'm more than a grown woman so no reason my dad should still store my stuff. Never mind that this is stuff that I never expected to have to deal with until much much further down the line in my life.

I still have that nagging floating issue with the Ex. We still talk, but I know in my heart that the big grand show and the whole "will you give me another chance" conversations of recent past were just that; A show. Other than phone calls, he never followed thru with actions. Even taking into consideration his career and his being in the military, he had time for some other "pleasure" things in life so if he was serious and wanted it he would have made it happen and did have time for "us". But I can't seem to take the final step and let that go. Damn it, and I really wanted him to be serious and for us to work it out. Oh well. *sigh*

And once all this starts to process I know that there is more to come in relation to this recent "tragic accident" that I will have to deal with as they come. It will most likely be a long process... a process which I wish I could write about. Well, I can write about it but something about sharing those writings would help me.

On a positive note... I was reading New Girl On Post's "I Never" today and one of her nevers reminded me of one of my likes.... golf. The weather her has finally cooled down enough here that it's time for me to get out to the range. I'm putting that on my To Do list for tomorrow after work and excited to wear my new golf shoes. Thanks Melissa, you don't get it but you reminded me of something I do!