Single...that's what I am.

I know, "no duh brain child ....that's what happens when you find out the guy you loved has two or three separate lives."

It took a couple of weeks for my noggin to catch up with the reality that I am single. period.  This isn't the in-between time when we were working on putting things back together and neither my head nor my heart were unattached and truly single.

The reality sinking in wasn't a bad moment.  It just was.  I was in the car driving to meet Best Guy Friend for dinner and thinking about getting there early and slurping down one of my fav cocktails (French 75, drink it, love it, you won't regret it) and as I was visualising this tasty event I saw myself sitting in the bar.  A nice bar. With nice people.  Some of them men.    SS.... "YOU ARE SINGLE".

It's been about 3.5 years since I've been in this rodeo.  It wasn't a matter of wanting to flirt and talk to someone (would not be a good idea for him or me quite yet), but there was definitely that shift in my head. Good or bad, it's my new state of being.

Shit. I better start shaving my legs and stuff.

Diary of an Angry White Woman

And by diary I mean one angry post and then I'm not letting the anger eat away at me.

Love, talking about our future together, a trip overseas, a Christmas ball, a tropical vacation, Christmas with his family and it all went to hell with less than 24 hours to go.

I got played..... several times over.  And by played I sure do mean multiple women in multiple locations all being told similar things about love and futures together.  It's embarrassing to even say out loud but I'm not the one that did anything wrong.

I'm giving him a title; Emotional Con Man.  I was conned, but it wasn't for my money or anything material.  It was for my love, devotion and support.

FUCKER FUCKER FUCKER FUCKER!

Turns out the man I was in love with didn't even exist. The facade he created and the image of who he was and what he stands for and believes in is a total front.  Everything he talks about as important traits and positive characteristics are the exact opposite of what he actually is.  I can't even imagine how conflicted and miserable someone must be living life knowing that they are not at all what they portray to the world and consider admirable.  I have no idea what to actually call someone that does this to others.  I'm sure there is a psychological term, anything I can really come up with consists of several very unladylike words strung together and shouted at the top of my lungs.

I wrote this blog post in my head, sitting at a slot machine with a beer.  I thought this was an appropriate image for someone who just had half the carpet pulled out from under them while getting punched in the gut at the same time.  All that was missing is a cigarette.

I can be loyal to a fault.  To the point where I sometimes don't see things I should because I believe that people I love are as loyal to me as I am to them.  Maybe I needed the hard line version of the truth so that there wasn't any question and I didn't stick around any longer.  Thank goodness I didn't get sucked in any further.

Hard hit to take.  I'm angry that he did this to me.  I'm angry that he does this this to women. I'm angry that while three of us sit with this feeling of betrayal (of course I told them), he gets to just go along and keep up with any others out there or start working on a batch of new victims.  I'm angry that there are so many people in his life that are fooled into believing this facade is the real person.  I don't think I've ever met a bigger hypocrite in my life.

So, dude, you got me.  Does it feel good?  Does it boost your little ego?  But now I know who you really are and you are the one that has to live with that miserable person not me.  I'll get over it, you wont, you are stuck with you.  Duces!

Snow Day & confused feelers

Snow day!   I'll take advantage to organize at home and get some baking done.  Sweet, I needed and extra day or two.

He's all the way out.  No more in transit... boots on the non-sandy ground!

I am thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis close to single digits before departure.

I'm scared.  Excited but that nervous kind of scared.

I don't even know how to describe this, but it felt kind of odd talking to him under normal conditions.  Did he really just say he's going to go meet up with friends for dinner after he runs a few errands?    I'm confused by the selfishy jealousy feelings I'm having.  I couldn't be more incredibly happy he is out of there... but wait.... you aren't just sitting waiting to talk to me some more?  You have options other than me?     Gezus, get over yourself girl.    You will be there soon enough.  I feel bad I couldn't be there to welcome him home into my arms.  I'm stalking facebook for them to post the video.

I don't really understand some of these feelings.

It's not all circus acts and happy traveling rainbows

Three weeks.  That's about all I have left until I jump in feet first.

I've been distracted with planning and trying to get organized for my upcoming trip as well as the holidays and all the other stuff going on between now and D-day.     My head has been in la la land.  I've been doing really well personally; reaching some fitness and health goals which I never imagined myself doing, I've kicked the grief cycles evil ass, and I've been doing pretty well living in the present .... until....

what if....
It has pretty much been sunshine and rainbows and really cool, but I'm starting to "what if" and over think.  Am I being realistic? Do have too many expectations? Shit. Over a year worth of relationship (ups and downs) all over the phone and computer. It's been going so well, the last couple of months have been great. He really has been doing everything he can given the circumstances to make sure he shows that he really wants this and is serious. He listened to me, he's putting talk into action. *blink blink* Wholly hell. I got what I asked for..... *blink blink* What is it going to be like to be together again? I am so excited and my heart is just aching to get there... but. but. but what if..... and that's what sets off my mini anxiety. I don't want to create anxiety over events that haven't or may not even happen. That is deadly and it results in annoying behavior on my part. But I don't want to go too far the other direction either. I want to be realistic.

OK, back to shiny happy things.... distraction techniques....keeping busy until it's time for me to take off and then just go with the flow.  Yes.  That is what I'm going to do. Really... really I am.  I mean, how do I not keep distracted when I have accessories to buy, dinner parties to plan, cookies to bake, a holiday with the fam.... easy peasy. (shit, it's like a 9 hour flight with nothing to do but think) 

Running away to the circus...

Warning to parents, it's easier for you kids to do than you think. (any given day this may be a good thing?)

No seriously. This is me... for real.  I tried to post a video but I think it was too large.

 

Hell yeah it was fun.  A little scary but I've kind of been in to getting over my fears and just jumping into things lately. Too bad relationship don't have all that safety equipment!

 

TICK TOCK.... TICK TOCK.... time flies when you have a lot of shit to get done

OMG  I have less than 30 days from leaving for my one woman homecoming ceremony.  Where did the time go?

evening dress... check
winter clothes...check
suits & summer clothes.....check

 

christmas gifts..... so very close to check

to do.... primping!  cut & color, waxing, buffing, polishing, manicuring....

Big week.... new eyes, new me & vacation!

I'm baaaaccck.....  

Although I wasn't physically missing, what I feel is the real me has been on hiatus for the past three years or so.  I finally finally finally feel like myself again!  It's been a struggle and some hard work on my part but I feel like I've escaped the grasp of that Nasty Grief Monster and for the first time in about three years I feel like me.  I'm LIVING my life again.... not just going thru the motions and it never felt so good.

Grief is a really odd thing.  The impact it has on a person and the process over time is different for everyone.  Even having educated myself as much as possible on the whole process, there were times that it was hard to recognize.  Yeah, I was feeling blue and not really engaged in my life and with my friends, but I wasn't sitting and specifically thinking "I miss my mom."   It had developed into a more general cloud of blah that would come in and hang around for a couple months at a time, blow over, and come back again.

I know it can still come an go.  For today, this month and this moment I am in full on celebration of feeling like SS once again!!  I've missed her, I love her, I'm so happy to have her back. *hugs myself*

So the big week thing... I'm getting new eyes!

Thursday AM I go in for LASIK.  *blink blnk*  I had to start today with my "no makeup" for three days before surgery, I'm getting in three hard work outs because "no sports" for a week post surgery (and no makeup too).  I've officially gone from nervous to so excited to get it done!  I was out playing in the sun a lot this weekend... paddling around a big lake and the local arboretum, sitting on a dock watching the boats pour thru "the cut" from one lake to another.... and happily telling my Rx sunglasses it doesn't matter if you get covered with spray on sunscreen because this week you are going in the garbage!!

And the other big thing.. VACATION BOOKED!

December vacation with "The Ex" who really isn't so much of an Ex anymore is a done deal.  Frantic planning with limited phone calls & skype are complete, tickets booked, vacation time is a go.  One small detail left.  I have to inform my family that I will not be home for the Christmas holidays.  They will be happy for me, but also a little bummed that I won't be there.  I got the umpteenth degree from my Granny back when I went on my first vacation with TheExNotEx.  She knows he and I have maintained contact, but I can only imagine the questions I'm going to get regarding my three week, 20,000mile, two continent, three country December adventure with him.  Well, and the sweet thing doesn't have the best short term memory these days so she will probably ask the same question about 5 times every 30 minutes.

Anywho... he has been doing a really good job (what he can considering the circumstances) giving me the follow thru and commitment that I need to help rebuild things.

Now I can finally start getting excited and looking forward to this trip, because, hot damn... it's ON!

No news is good news!

I'm taking my lack of needing to blog as a good sign, I tend to do it more when I'm venting or feeling a bit troubled.

So yay!  Nothing much to post about other than me feeling like I'm in a pretty happy place right now.

I've been reminded that I'm much more balanced and happy when I'm being active.  Keeping up with some of my fitness goals; playing tennis, golf, some camping trips, and have my 2nd 5k coming up in two weeks.  One of the big gym goals I had set for myself was push ups... regular old "non girly" push ups.  Something that I've never really be able to do in the past.  My goal for the end of the month was 10, but when I did a test last week I knocked out 6 so I know that 10 by the end of next week should not be an issue.

I'm also actually contemplating on putting up some before and after photos from the beginning of June until now but I scare myself even looking at them, let alone releasing all this non-tanned cellulite to the world.  Would it even be helpful to me to put myself out there like that? 

A little excited and nervous at the same time about this on; I'm going in for a pre LASIK evaluation next week.  Would be cool to not have to mess around with glasses, but I'd be dropping pretty much all of my vacation & fun stash on this.

I'm having lots of nervous feelings again regarding upcoming vacation plans with The Ex.  We are talking about holidays and when I can take vacation time, how much time etc.  Hell, why shouldn't I feel nervous given the patter and the chance I've decided to take once again.  This is the point where I'm afraid I'll get excited and start looking forward to things with him and I'm going to be left to fall flat on my face and wallow in disappointment. I'm not talking about the Army changing things, I'm talking about him changing things.  I'll be more relieved when we are able to book tickets, but if it goes thru this will be quite the grand adventure with me racking up 15,000 plus air miles and having a vacation and holidays kind of all across the world.  Deep breath. *woo saaaaw*

Half-commitment

I haven't been very bloggy lately.   I'm not in a venting mood, I've retreated into my own head space to really think some things thru.

Decision time

I decided to stop wrestling with myself and made a somewhat commitment to the Ex.  I haven't been dating, just didn't feel like it... too busy working on me both physically and mentally.  I was driving myself nuts wrestling between my heart and my head and trying to decide if I cut off from him completely and move on or stay open to trying to fix things between us. The in between limbo was sucking up so much of my energy I was seriously torturing myself on a daily basis.   I knew that I was in no way shape or form ready to cut off communication with him or give up on the hope that this really is what I thought I was going to be, so I went the other direction and let my heart decide.  I told him I am in and willing to wait and see if things can be fixed when he gets back.    It was a relief to put aside the internal struggle.  

He is deployed and that makes me really wonder his motivation; Am I just safe and familiar to him and it's the circumstances that is making him say these things?    We shall see.  He will be given the opportunity to put his money where his mouth is and prove thru consistent positive actions over time.  That's what I've been drilling into his head like he's a 5 year old... any time he asks what he can do to fix things that is my answer, "consistent positive actions over time".   It is fortunate that he's in a position with fairly consistent daily access to communications, supplemented with weekly skype sessions, we've talked more  and more honestly (or I should say I've been no holds barred honest about my feelings) about us and the situation than we ever did in the time before he was deployed.

My hurt is not gone, it will take time and effort to undo this last year and get me to that comfortable place again and he knows this.   My making the decision to be open to it,  I've made the commitment to myself to start letting go of the hurt.  I was holding on to it like it was a security blanket.  Who wants that kind of shit for a security blanket?   I was starting to feel that I was placing myself in a victim role and that is no good.  I do have control over what I accept and what I won't, this isn't just happening to me.  It's my choice and I'm choosing to try and heal and see if there is a new start in the future.   He has work to do, and I do too.

That decision is made.  I'm owning it, and will deal with the outcome good or bad when it comes.

Good stuff

I've been working really hard at some physical goals.  I've signed up for another 5k that happens in about 3 weeks and have set some goals for changing up my body composition, aka: reduce body fat.  I like goals.  Goals and working toward them ends in me feeling accomplished and I need that.

By the end of the month I hope to have reduced my body fat by 6%, shave another 30 seconds off of my fitness test, and do 10 "real" push ups.

Much needed family time is coming this weekend too.  Heading over the mountains to the other side of the state for a good dose of Granny time.  That little 90 year old wig wearing, Costco shopping, card playing, veggie growing lady does wonders for my soul!

Discombobulated

I can’t seem to get my ish together this week.


Since I don’t really want to do any real head work (aka: haven’t gone back to talk to my counselor because the solutions involve doing things I can’t bring myself to do) and I need a new goal (aka: a distraction and something other than what I really need to be doing but big enough that it makes me feel like I’m accomplishing something) I’m back to focusing on my fitness . This is something I can control. I think I’m still coming out of three years of feeling a whole lot of out of control stuffs and trying to snap out of the fear and worry induced funk that has put me in.

This time, I’m also throwing in some diet changes. Going beyond logging my food and watching calories and this time I’m changing up the types of food I eat and when I eat them. You know, the whole move away from so many processed foods etc.

I’m getting back into the groove. As a general goal, I’ve got about 15lbs I want to lose, but more important is my overall appearance and reducing that body fat. Pretty much re-doing what I have undone over the last three months. Even with 2 weeks of good resistance training and better eating under my belt I see my body responding pretty quickly.

But this week, my goodness. I feel fortunate that I’m making it out the door with pants on in the morning. Two days I’ve woken up and turned off the alarm rather than hit snooze. I haven’t remembered to set the coffee pot or the cat food feeder (yeah, nothing two hours of a wet nose and whiskers in your face in the AM to put you in a great mood). I haven’t had the time to eat my good breakfast and have been hit by the dreaded late night snack attack.

Yeah, this is kind of venting and very random but hey… that’s what my blog is.

I’d like to think I’m handling it well, but I’m thinking that father’s day approaching might have some affect on me. I have not a single person to send a father’s day card to. And here is the PMS (did I forget to mention it’s also THAT week as well?) and hormones talking…. thinking about father’s day leads me to wondering if I’ll ever have my own family. I’m craving it. I’m kind of it right now. Yes, I have my family like my Granny and auntie and uncles, cousins etc but I don’t have that immediate mom/dad or husband/kids family. I’m not really adjusting well to being on my own and as the big four-oh isn’t in the too distant future I wonder if that will ever be a real possibility for me.

Alrighty then, on that light note… I’m off to live in la la land and put together a 4th of July care package for the Ex that swears when he gets back it will all be better and different.

Happy Effin Hump Day!

Grouchy....out!

Schtuff...and feeling kinda stuck

Mother's Day

I hope all of the amazing Mother's out there enjoyed their celebration.  We all know it should be an every day occurance.... celebrating the women that have made us who and what we are.   They come in many forms, some gave birth to us, some have been there for us like no other, and many who have stood with us as a support system as we grow and walk thru life.  
Bitter sweet day for me. Beautiful memories of my mother and many years together and a reminder that she is gone. This MD #3 that she' hasn't been around and it is developing into something different. More on the fond memories side than heavy with the sadness.

I had a really different kind of Mother's Day sadness hit me this weekend. I could feel it creeping in on Friday. Something about this year felt more about me rather than about my mom.  This weekend I was feeling a sadness over not having a family of my own. With my mom gone and my relationship with my step-dad falling apart at the same time, I don't feel like I have that first level of family. MY family... my primary family. It made me sad to think that in that particular sense I am alone... it's just me. No partner, no kids. I still hope that being a mom and having MY family is in my future but the reality that that time may pass me by hit home this weekend.

C25K

Oh boy, the 5k training hasn't been so hot these last two weeks. I have lingering respiratory crap from a chest cold I had a month ago and it's really draining me and making it hard to get my butt in gear on the running. I keep trying and I can tell each time that's it's more difficult than it should be. My lungs feel like they are only running at 80%, breathing heaving comes faster than it should and I've been just flat out tired.

I haven't been on the treadmill since last Wednesday when I did Week 5 - Day #2 of the C25K program. I know I'm behind. I'm going to try a repeat of that work out because I know Week 5- Day #2 25min solid run would not be happening right now.

Wish me luck and let’s hope I don't lose a lung tonight!

Oh yeah... "what was I thinking"

I thnk I may have neglected to mention that I've fallen back into the bad habit of The Ex.  This may end up as one for the "What was I thinking" hall of fame.  I'm sure it's keeping me held back from and kind of stuck in the past.  Baby steps.  As much as he is pushing and pouring it on THICK, I have made it clear that there isn't any kind of possibility of us having a relationship until he gets back.  Neither he nor I can make a decision while he is deployed, we'll see how he feels when he's back in the real world and if I'm available.  In the mean time, he's doing his best to do things and say things to make sure he's not forgotten. *eh*  Easy to do when you are isolated.

Good/Odd Weekend and Monday Therapy in a nutshell

Got shit on... literally, from head to toe by a bird on my way to Friday night dinner and drinks. Apparently in at least two different cultures this is considered incredible good luck. I consider it a stinky gross inconvenience.


Back home, changed clothes, washed hair, changed purses, disinfected my phone... and out the door again to finally have dinner at 9pm.

Too much tequila.

Was reminded that I still got it... which lead to the too much tequila. Who can turn down a free drink from a nice gentleman?  What was that? OMG it's flirting.... fun!!

Slept away Saturday.

Beautiful beautiful Sunday, nice long walk around the hood in the fresh air.

Sunday was topped off with an amazing evening with two of my very bestest friends. Drank wine, ate cheese, hot tubing with a bottle of proseco and then a fabulous meal while watching my fav. Sunday evening show (Amazing Race if you must know)

Therapy Session #2 took a turn for the unexpected, how did we end up talking about my relationship with the Ex? I really didn't want to talk about that... but maybe I needed to. I walked away thinking "that's not what I wanted" and it certainly wasn't what I was expecting. *eh* crap.

To forget... or not to forget?

Is my mind playing a trick on me or am I ready to let go of a past hurt?

The Ex and I have slipped into what feels like our old relationship flow. As much of a flow as there can be with him being deployed, but since the majority of our relationship has been apart this feels pretty normal for us.

I knew we'd be in contact while he was deployed, we did leave it as "friends" after all.  This is feeling a lot different than friends. It feels like we're partners again. He's looking after me even from the other side of the globe, we're sharing the sweet nothings and tenderness that certainly isn't something I do with "friends", to the best of his ability he is letting me know if there are going to be communication issues and then checks back in as soon and as often as he can. THIS is the man I loved, not the man that broke my heart. It’s a bit twisted that it is happening now that he is deployed, but I feel like he’s putting in the effort to “prove it” to me…. that is the feeling I had been trying to get all summer/fall.

It's so easy for me to get wrapped up in this and feel like all is OK and back to what it was before our difficulties hit last spring. Is that just a trick my mind is playing or is it OK for me to let go of that hurt from the past and just be OK with this? Am I creating a situation in my head that doesn't really exist because that is less painful than dealing with reality? Or am I at that point that I've worked thru my feelings and can finally let the hurt go and take him back as he's been asking? Is this the bolt of lightning/slap in the face/sign in the clouds that I've been waiting for? Could the sign really be as simple as me feeling content?

You know, right or wrong, good or bad choice, for now I’m OK with not feeling so damn heartbroken and hurt.

Wow.

I don't really know how to process this.

We aren't together anymore, but we haven't really let go either.  The man still has a hold on my heart.

The time came, he is gone.... deployment is here.

Received email this morning with as much of an update as he can give, and tells me from his heart that I am still his girl.

I offer my prayers and love and suport and have no idea what this really means.

Suck.

Two things today...boobies and honesty

The Girls

First, I want to put it out there for all, maybe I can reassure someone at some point down the line.  Mammograms are not as bad as rumored.  Yes, it was uncomfortable but not painful as I have heard it described by some.  Don't let the rumors stop you from getting your on a regular basis when the time comes.  I typically wouldn't have one yet, but because of my mom it's time for me to start.  The picture pretty much sums it up, see...not scary at all.  Took maybe 4 minutes total, tops.

If I can't be honest with myself....

Crazy that I even hesitated to put my feeling into words because I didn't want to go back on something I wrote in a previous post. Really? Lame SS, just lame.  I want this to be partially a journal for myself, I need to be honest with myself.  Like the computer is going to be disappointed in me?  I hate that word; dissapoint.  Hate to feel it, hate others to feel it about me. (that's another blog topic)

After the big revelation about putting the relationship to rest and feeling better when not in contact with the the Ex. Yeah, I heard from him and have been talking to him all week. He contacted me to let me know he had made it safely to his new duty station overseas and give me his contact info. There is a difference this time, at least it feels like it so far. I think my big revelation left me more at peace with letting go and moving on. So RIP to the relationship the way it was, there is still a relationship but I feel different about it now… no expectations, and to me that means no disappointments. I know it will be more difficult staying in contact with him and at some point it will have to come to an end. I can't imagine dating someone new and them being OK with "Oh but he's deployed and I'm just being supportive" when it comes to the man I thought I was going to marry.

I use it as an excuse or as a reason to justify to myself that what I'm doing isn't "bad" for me. I swear I'm saving myself from feeling bad down the line because "I just couldn't live with myself not talking to him knowing that he is getting ready to deploy."  It's coming very soon and right now I don't feel like I can do anything but be supportive, as a friend.

It gets complicated. Talking to him this morning he told me he wanted me to start wearing his ring again. He mentioned it when I went to see him in San Antonio, looked at my hand "where is your ring?" All I could say is "that's not what we are anymore". I wish I had emotion switch to just flick off when necessary (or would that make me a sociopath?...so never mind on that wish)

So self, I'm being honest. Not trying to hide it and act like I've got some superpower to stick to what I've previously expressed or thought. It's OK. It's my feelings, they can be confusing and I don't always know what's best for me. I've decided to not beat myself up over it. It is what it is, that's how I feel, it's authentic.

Make it three things

I would be remiss in not expressing my sincere thoughts and prayers for affected by the tragic events at Ft. Hood.

Be careful what you wish for

So why is it that when I get what I claimed I wanted... I'm mildly upset by it?

Twisted.

You know, you want to move on and then you don't get a phone call that you just "knew" would be made.....and you feel all hurt by it.  One of those.  Let me stop beating my head against this brick wall and in the long run I will feel aOK.  Note to self: Remember the repercussions of answering phone calls from the Ex.

On another note....odds are looking good for the ladies that are in the giveaway! Sometime tomorrow I'll do a random number thing and let you all know who won.

Hum Drums

I'm kind of all over the place these last few months.  One week I'm excited and feeling like my old self, optimistic and a "go get 'em" attitude then I start feeling lost again.

Time to go in to the counselor for a tune up!  Maybe she can help me figure out what it is.

I'm thinking part of it is going thru the get-over-let-go-move-on process again after the final closure weekend with the Ex.  This is the time of year we met and as it's a transition time with the weather and daylight hours and all of that it reminds me of our first dates when he was still living here.  I still miss all those thoughts.  He is at his last set of training before he moves overseas.  It's been three week since I saw him and haven't talked to him since so I'm going thru that phase where it feels really strange not knowing what he's doing or hearing about his training and travels.  Yes, I'll admit I don't help things when I take a look online to see what the weather is like where he is at.

Another part is we're approaching the anniversary of my mother's passing.  October 9th will be two years since we lost her.  I do remember feeling the blues this same time last year so this one is pretty obvious.

But last year I was part of a team.  I need to make that transition back to being me on my own.  It was really the first time in my life that I had ever opened up in a realtionship and let myself truely lean on someone... count on that man to get me thru when I was feeling weak, and actually letting him see those moments when I wasn't feeling like the strong one.  I liked it. This transition back is harder than I thought it would be.

It will be interesting to see if I'm on track or if the counselor brings up somethign else I've been missing.  I know I've said it before but seeing her really is the best decision I've made in a very long time.

Project ME!

Forget holding on, forget being sad over things that didn't happen, forget sitting around and feeling like life is just happening to me. I'm really done feeling like that.

The 3.5 years have been one change after another. Some have been good, some have been bad and the last 6 months have really been packed!

I'm going to try and spin this into the positive. I know there will always be tough/sad times in life, but right now I'm turning all that ish into somewhat of a clean slate.

I feel like I have been living my life to please other people. That's just a function of how I grew up... do good, make mom/grandma/family/man proud, get praise, etc etc. etc. I need to revisit the question, "Who am I being good for?" or rather "Who am I living for?" and the answer has got to be a resounding "ME!" Yes, I do thinkg here and there to make myself happy, but this is going to be bigger picture stuff. I need to find my own motivation for accomplishing goals and making my mark in the world. It need not matter if my mom or anyone else is there to say she is proud or uphold a set of rules and expectations for me. I need to be able to do that on my own, to please myself not because that is what mom, dad, granny, friend, or man in my life expects.

I'm a little intimidated because this is new. I've done well in my life but never truly just to please myself. Scary because I think I have higher expectations for myself than anyone else ever could, maybe that's why it was easier to do things to meet their expectations rather than my own. Good lord, what could be worse than disappointing myself? That would suck.

Adding to my description

I have another word to add to my description: AUTHENTIC.

That is how I want to be in all relationships. I've really been evaluating my relationship with the Ex to learn from it. I realized there were a lot of times that I wasn't being the 100% real deal me. I'm all about learning and growing in a relationship but there were times that I was trying to change my personality that weren't about growth, they were about editing who I am. I didn't hide or edit the really important things... I wasn't being a fake person, but I wasn't being authentic. I sometimes felt like a child does with their parent, you want to do well, you want their approval, you don't want to disappoint. Things about me that I knew weren't his "ideal" I would try to minimize. Things like, oh... my sarcasms and potty mouth. Those are the two biggies that I can think of. Do you realize how hard it is to hide sarcasm? I mean, until someone who doesn't care for it starts pointing out how often things come out of your mouth with a sarcastic twist you don't realize how much that really is ingrained into your personality. I'll admit, there were times when I'd say something and not at all intend for it to be sarcastic and it was coming out that way. That was helpful, to be mindful of "tone" so I don't come across sarcastic when that's not what I intend. But let’s be honest here, most of the time I do intend to be sarcastic... that is the AUTHENTIC me.

So I'm expanding that to all aspects of me and my relationships. It is just too tiring trying to edit myself in any relationship.

So here I go


To new beginnings, learning, living, adventures and more words to add to my description!  Oh... hopefully some love too! ;-)

Ouch that hurt...

Have you ever rubbed salt in your own wound? If not, I don't recommend it... apparently I couldn't help myself and gave it a try.

I said my final goodbye to the Ex this weekend. Let me correct that, I couldn't actually bring myself to say the words "good bye". With him leaving and shortly to deploy those words couldn't come out of my mouth, it sounded too final for me to feel comfortable saying.

The weekend was bitter sweet. We didn't talk about anything serious or our situaiton until the end. He did try to bring it up once and I brushed it off. We were enjoying a loverly day out at the lake and I just couldn't ruin that with a serious relationship conversation.

That was the salt. I was soaking in ever bit of good times we were having and that just made the parting worse. Even so, if I to do the weekend all over again I wouldn't have changed anything. We had fun times with dinner and drinks and a relaxing day out on the boat (*sniff* I'll miss her too!) AND I played my first 9 holes on a full blown golf course. Yup yup. Moved up from the driving range and Par 3 courses.

Anyway. The time came to get ready to go and I was so so so close to pulling my usual "try and avoid the pain at all costs" maneuver and give in to a compromise and relationship situation that I know would leave me feeling miserable and unfullfilled. But I didn't. I knew it was going to hurt and I dove in anyway.  In this respect I feel that I've grown and in the long run this will be better for me.   Kind of like ripping the band aid and getting it all over quickly rather than drawing things out over the next year and reaching the same conclusion.

I started the dreaded conversation, and it ended with us both coming to the conclusion that if things aren't solid between us now having a relationship with him overseas and deployed just isn't possible.  His solution is that we "remain friends".  *eyes rolling out of my head cross the floor out the door across the street...*  Parts of it got a little icky.   I told him what it was I had needed and wanted to hear to feel the reassurance from him that he was serious and really wanted us to be together..... inside I was damn near begging for him to turn around and say back to me the words that I just told him I needed to hear. He didn't. He went back to say things like "I told you when we started talking again what I wanted." Boy, that sure holds a lot of passion and really makes me feel like you want it. *not* I got accused of not being understanding regarding his circumstances and that me expecting him to have been able to come up with a weekend for us to talk prior to now just wasn't possible. *again not true*

OK, so sparing futher stooopid details about a conversation that is over and done with. We went in to the airport, got me checked in and stood at security with me crying my eyes out, him trying to wipe my tears, me not being able to say good bye and telling him to take care of himself, be safe and all of that.

It was the worst plane ride ever. Crazy lady with the not-so-cute puffy crying eyes and snotty nose walking thru the airports on her way home from the last visit she will have with the man she thought she was going to marry.

Suck x 100.

The Alamo & Unfinished Business

Looks like I'm off to The Alamo to take care of some unfinished business.

Well, it was finished business that has since gotten complicated and became unfinished but you get what I'm sayin'?

Going to see The Ex for a weekend.

This all relates to The Ex and his change of heart and asking me to give him a second chance. Yeah, that started months ago and we're just now actually getting to a face to face. He'll try and say it's all because of the Army and the timing. I say that is only part of the issue and that he has had plenty of opportunity to make this happen before now. That is a huge part of why I think it is probably going to be a final good bye rather than the start of trying to put things back together.

He waited too long. With his upcoming overseas move whether or not there was even time to rebuild something strong enough to last thru that was already questionable (to me). And then he has waited, and waited, and waited to make this happen. He knew that I was open to the idea but I felt that there needed to be a face to face discussion before I could even make a decision and it didn't happen.

Am I being unreasonable and not understanding enough of what he's been going thru with his career, career path changes, the Army, the Army's penchant for changes, etc etc etc? I don't think so, but I'm not on that side of the fence. I do know that when we met and for the year and a half that we were together he was in the Army, he was and did start and complete the first year of his job, and all thru that he made sure that he made things happen between us, visits and the phone calls (even if just for 10 seconds to say hello) and text messages etc. So because of that, I feel that if he really wanted it he would have made it happen... because he has been able to make that happen before.

I haven't been thru a deployment, but I can only imagine the solid foundation and strength in the relationship that is needed for it to be successful. We HAD that, but then it was broken and I just don't know how that can even be fixed in time.

I guess regardless of it being because of circumstances outside of his control I don't think there is enough time left. It's about 7-8 weeks before he will leave for overseas, he's finishing up his current training in a couple of weeks then off to another state for another 3 weeks and then bye bye for a long time.

I wonder why I'm even going to see him? It has been a little over 4 months since we broke up and it is probably too late, but I feel that I just need to make sure. Seeing him, seeing if there is still a connection, seeing if this is something keep trying for is something I have to do. This was a man that made me feel loved like I never have before, this was a man that I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with... even with the heartbreak, I just have to make sure.

Back to my other reality

Isn't it interesting how a sudden event in your life can demand so much attention at the time that any other issues or struggles in your life quickly move to the background, almost like they don't even exist? *poof* They are gone... unfortunately not forgotten.

The stress in the forefront of my brain recently was having to go out and replace my car this last weekend. Now that the car is purchased and that piece is over with, guess what? That other stuff is still there and has to be dealt with.

I'm still struggling with the relationship with my father. He called last week and asked that in the next two weeks I come over and get my "memories" out of the house. He said he doesn't want to feel responsible for them if something were to happen to the house and I lost them. I know there is more to it than that, but hey, I'm more than a grown woman so no reason my dad should still store my stuff. Never mind that this is stuff that I never expected to have to deal with until much much further down the line in my life.

I still have that nagging floating issue with the Ex. We still talk, but I know in my heart that the big grand show and the whole "will you give me another chance" conversations of recent past were just that; A show. Other than phone calls, he never followed thru with actions. Even taking into consideration his career and his being in the military, he had time for some other "pleasure" things in life so if he was serious and wanted it he would have made it happen and did have time for "us". But I can't seem to take the final step and let that go. Damn it, and I really wanted him to be serious and for us to work it out. Oh well. *sigh*

And once all this starts to process I know that there is more to come in relation to this recent "tragic accident" that I will have to deal with as they come. It will most likely be a long process... a process which I wish I could write about. Well, I can write about it but something about sharing those writings would help me.

On a positive note... I was reading New Girl On Post's "I Never" today and one of her nevers reminded me of one of my likes.... golf. The weather her has finally cooled down enough here that it's time for me to get out to the range. I'm putting that on my To Do list for tomorrow after work and excited to wear my new golf shoes. Thanks Melissa, you don't get it but you reminded me of something I do!