Running away to the circus...

Warning to parents, it's easier for you kids to do than you think. (any given day this may be a good thing?)

No seriously. This is me... for real.  I tried to post a video but I think it was too large.

 

Hell yeah it was fun.  A little scary but I've kind of been in to getting over my fears and just jumping into things lately. Too bad relationship don't have all that safety equipment!

 

TICK TOCK.... TICK TOCK.... time flies when you have a lot of shit to get done

OMG  I have less than 30 days from leaving for my one woman homecoming ceremony.  Where did the time go?

evening dress... check
winter clothes...check
suits & summer clothes.....check

 

christmas gifts..... so very close to check

to do.... primping!  cut & color, waxing, buffing, polishing, manicuring....

Half-commitment

I haven't been very bloggy lately.   I'm not in a venting mood, I've retreated into my own head space to really think some things thru.

Decision time

I decided to stop wrestling with myself and made a somewhat commitment to the Ex.  I haven't been dating, just didn't feel like it... too busy working on me both physically and mentally.  I was driving myself nuts wrestling between my heart and my head and trying to decide if I cut off from him completely and move on or stay open to trying to fix things between us. The in between limbo was sucking up so much of my energy I was seriously torturing myself on a daily basis.   I knew that I was in no way shape or form ready to cut off communication with him or give up on the hope that this really is what I thought I was going to be, so I went the other direction and let my heart decide.  I told him I am in and willing to wait and see if things can be fixed when he gets back.    It was a relief to put aside the internal struggle.  

He is deployed and that makes me really wonder his motivation; Am I just safe and familiar to him and it's the circumstances that is making him say these things?    We shall see.  He will be given the opportunity to put his money where his mouth is and prove thru consistent positive actions over time.  That's what I've been drilling into his head like he's a 5 year old... any time he asks what he can do to fix things that is my answer, "consistent positive actions over time".   It is fortunate that he's in a position with fairly consistent daily access to communications, supplemented with weekly skype sessions, we've talked more  and more honestly (or I should say I've been no holds barred honest about my feelings) about us and the situation than we ever did in the time before he was deployed.

My hurt is not gone, it will take time and effort to undo this last year and get me to that comfortable place again and he knows this.   My making the decision to be open to it,  I've made the commitment to myself to start letting go of the hurt.  I was holding on to it like it was a security blanket.  Who wants that kind of shit for a security blanket?   I was starting to feel that I was placing myself in a victim role and that is no good.  I do have control over what I accept and what I won't, this isn't just happening to me.  It's my choice and I'm choosing to try and heal and see if there is a new start in the future.   He has work to do, and I do too.

That decision is made.  I'm owning it, and will deal with the outcome good or bad when it comes.

Good stuff

I've been working really hard at some physical goals.  I've signed up for another 5k that happens in about 3 weeks and have set some goals for changing up my body composition, aka: reduce body fat.  I like goals.  Goals and working toward them ends in me feeling accomplished and I need that.

By the end of the month I hope to have reduced my body fat by 6%, shave another 30 seconds off of my fitness test, and do 10 "real" push ups.

Much needed family time is coming this weekend too.  Heading over the mountains to the other side of the state for a good dose of Granny time.  That little 90 year old wig wearing, Costco shopping, card playing, veggie growing lady does wonders for my soul!

Schtuff...and feeling kinda stuck

Mother's Day

I hope all of the amazing Mother's out there enjoyed their celebration.  We all know it should be an every day occurance.... celebrating the women that have made us who and what we are.   They come in many forms, some gave birth to us, some have been there for us like no other, and many who have stood with us as a support system as we grow and walk thru life.  
Bitter sweet day for me. Beautiful memories of my mother and many years together and a reminder that she is gone. This MD #3 that she' hasn't been around and it is developing into something different. More on the fond memories side than heavy with the sadness.

I had a really different kind of Mother's Day sadness hit me this weekend. I could feel it creeping in on Friday. Something about this year felt more about me rather than about my mom.  This weekend I was feeling a sadness over not having a family of my own. With my mom gone and my relationship with my step-dad falling apart at the same time, I don't feel like I have that first level of family. MY family... my primary family. It made me sad to think that in that particular sense I am alone... it's just me. No partner, no kids. I still hope that being a mom and having MY family is in my future but the reality that that time may pass me by hit home this weekend.

C25K

Oh boy, the 5k training hasn't been so hot these last two weeks. I have lingering respiratory crap from a chest cold I had a month ago and it's really draining me and making it hard to get my butt in gear on the running. I keep trying and I can tell each time that's it's more difficult than it should be. My lungs feel like they are only running at 80%, breathing heaving comes faster than it should and I've been just flat out tired.

I haven't been on the treadmill since last Wednesday when I did Week 5 - Day #2 of the C25K program. I know I'm behind. I'm going to try a repeat of that work out because I know Week 5- Day #2 25min solid run would not be happening right now.

Wish me luck and let’s hope I don't lose a lung tonight!

Oh yeah... "what was I thinking"

I thnk I may have neglected to mention that I've fallen back into the bad habit of The Ex.  This may end up as one for the "What was I thinking" hall of fame.  I'm sure it's keeping me held back from and kind of stuck in the past.  Baby steps.  As much as he is pushing and pouring it on THICK, I have made it clear that there isn't any kind of possibility of us having a relationship until he gets back.  Neither he nor I can make a decision while he is deployed, we'll see how he feels when he's back in the real world and if I'm available.  In the mean time, he's doing his best to do things and say things to make sure he's not forgotten. *eh*  Easy to do when you are isolated.

Randoms stuff in my head

1. I'm kind of disappointed that I haven't heard a word from the step dad over the last few months. I didn't really blog about it in detail, and I still might, but basically he has had a really hard time dealing with my mom's passing. In a nut shell, he isn't dealing with his grief at all and it turned him into someone I didn't know and I was the unfair target of his anger. It kind of came to a head this summer, well, and I haven't heard from him since August. I thought maybe my birthday he would reach out...nada. Thought maybe Christmas.....nada. Oh well, I just pray that he is getting the help he needs and live my life the best that I can.

Oh and FYI, yes, I've tried over and over since she passed to maintain the relationship only to get burned over and over so after long talks and some insight from my grief counselor it was suggested that for my own progress I needed to step back until he's able to get help or get past his anger.

2. Still waiting on my condo. I knew it was going to be a wait and I'm doing OK with that... but of course I'm getting ants in my pants. Last night I found myself browsing the isles of Big Box Home Improvement Store just to get ideas and see how much some things would cost to upgrade & replace. It was AWESOME! I'm thinking I may have to ditch the whole accounting thing and become a contractor. We shall see how I feel about that when I actually have my own home to maintain.

3. The guy situation.  He really seems to be trying to win me back, even from afar. Last week I got a super exciting gift from him. This gift may just involve me spending this coming Saturday at an amazing day spa up the the mountains. This general location also happens to be one of "our" spots.... one of our fist dates, return visits for romantic getaways and hikes in the woods. I am so looking forward to the day of pampering I can hardly stand myself. He sure knows the way to this woman's heart is thru the spa! lol. I'm only 1/2 kidding, I know there is more to this than being wooed by amazing thoughtful gifts from 1/2 around the world.... but I'm sure not going to turn it down.

4. The Mrs just sent out her Valentine Swap partners and I'm really excited. I participated in her Christmas swap and it was a lot of fun. To me, it's so interesting to see what someone you only "know" thru a blog come up.

5. I have some good stuff to look forward to. My most awesome bestest cutest funnies Granny is turning 90 next month! Sheesh that's old! I'll be heading over to the other side of the state to celebrate with her and the rest of the fam. I'm about due for another dose of good family time. You know, those people that totally get my sarcasm (because they are the cause of it!), know my history and where I'm coming from. Dysfunctional as we can be, these people have got my back and I love them.

6. I love Skype.

7. I have written about my fitness goals for awhile. That’s because I had some bumps in the road, lost ½ of my previous progress, two months of maintaining only over the holidays (but good god, with all the cookies I ate it’s a miracle that I managed to offset that with the exercise), but this last week I finally put my heart and soul into it and I made progress!! Lost 2.8lbs but better than that my measurements changed and I’m back to the same lean muscle mass that I was in August and within half a pound of being at that same weight again too. I don’t have a lot to lose, but round about 12 lbs to get to my comfortable weight and a size where I’m fitting into all my clothes again. *whew*


Bring it on 2010. I feel in a generally good mental state to tackle some of the challenges I know I have coming up…. I’m prepared. I will prevail. I will be living the best life that I can.

To forget... or not to forget?

Is my mind playing a trick on me or am I ready to let go of a past hurt?

The Ex and I have slipped into what feels like our old relationship flow. As much of a flow as there can be with him being deployed, but since the majority of our relationship has been apart this feels pretty normal for us.

I knew we'd be in contact while he was deployed, we did leave it as "friends" after all.  This is feeling a lot different than friends. It feels like we're partners again. He's looking after me even from the other side of the globe, we're sharing the sweet nothings and tenderness that certainly isn't something I do with "friends", to the best of his ability he is letting me know if there are going to be communication issues and then checks back in as soon and as often as he can. THIS is the man I loved, not the man that broke my heart. It’s a bit twisted that it is happening now that he is deployed, but I feel like he’s putting in the effort to “prove it” to me…. that is the feeling I had been trying to get all summer/fall.

It's so easy for me to get wrapped up in this and feel like all is OK and back to what it was before our difficulties hit last spring. Is that just a trick my mind is playing or is it OK for me to let go of that hurt from the past and just be OK with this? Am I creating a situation in my head that doesn't really exist because that is less painful than dealing with reality? Or am I at that point that I've worked thru my feelings and can finally let the hurt go and take him back as he's been asking? Is this the bolt of lightning/slap in the face/sign in the clouds that I've been waiting for? Could the sign really be as simple as me feeling content?

You know, right or wrong, good or bad choice, for now I’m OK with not feeling so damn heartbroken and hurt.

*cakey update...the eagle has landed* Have cake will travel....

** Update #2 - The verdict**

Well done Wire a cake, well done


First and most important the cake arrived in perfect condition on the exact day of his birthday.  He didn't get a chance for any pictures be everyone was dying for him to cut into it and he was sharing the birthday sugar high.

Lets give *two snaps up half way around the world to the sandbox and back snap* for Wire A Cake - HB Bakery Connection.

OMG where was my cake!?
There was some drama and one upset soldier's "friend"pacing in front of her computer this week.  There was some issues with the address (no error of mine or the bakery) and part of the info was missing.   I get a call earlier in the week from a very irritated sounding Ex "S... basically the address is FUCKED ....."  Non of the packages I had sent had arrived and I just knew the cake wasn't going to make it.   Thankfully there was enough information and I got a call last night that all of it arrived at the same time along with the cake ON his birthday.

 Look at that, birthday cake and packages all on THE day.

REMINDER TO SELF:  On some scale this was a case of "...may not always come when you call, but always on time".  I'm always amazed how something that throws me off and isn't what was planned reveals itself later to be exactly what it should have been.

Maybe one of these days I'll remember that up front and not get so worked up about things.  But that is super hard for me.

** Update**

The birthday cake is on its way and today and they so kindly send along a photo before they send them along to far away lands.

I have to say, if the product itself is half as wonderful as the communication and customer service I've recevied it will be worth it a million times over.  I do believe it was the owner, Debora George, that I spoke to on the phone and sent me the emails.

I figured I'd also share the link to the video that I came across when looking for some place that does this kind of shipping.

Sending Cakes Overseas - Debora George -Wire A Cake

The cake itself is in a tin, frosted with butter cream and then wrapped in a sheet of fondant so the frosting won't stick to places it shouldn't.   They have lots of decorations to choose from including the service branches OR if you can even supply your own photo.

OK enough already.  Will update when we get the word from the other side and in the mean time.

I don't have a lot of readers, so would ask that all of you with bigger readership post about this if you feel inspired to share.  I would love for folks to know more about this resource!  Oh yeah, they also participate with Soldiers Angels if you wish to sponsor/donate.

http://www.wireacake.com/
HB Bakery Connection


**************

This will be interesting.  At leat I think so, I'm curious how it will turn out.

I sent a cake to the sand box.

Googled some words, picked a link, saw a video.   OK, that will work and off I went.

It's the effort that counts, right?  Nothing says "Happy Birthday Soldier" like a tin full of sugar and flour, and hopes hopes hopes that it arrives in one piece.

Wire A Cake - HB Bakery Connectionif anyone is curious.  I'll report back with at least a before picture, which the company will send to me before my dear little cake takes flight.

I'm obviously still in relationship limbo land but it feels OK for now.  Got a very poor quality call (as in I couldn't hear him but he heard me) on Christmas and a clear as a bell call the other day.  It makes me happy to hear his voice and that's what I'm rolling with for the time being.

Wow.

I don't really know how to process this.

We aren't together anymore, but we haven't really let go either.  The man still has a hold on my heart.

The time came, he is gone.... deployment is here.

Received email this morning with as much of an update as he can give, and tells me from his heart that I am still his girl.

I offer my prayers and love and suport and have no idea what this really means.

Suck.

Pups missing daddy...videos you have to see

Oh my goodness, these are some sweet reunions.  

Check out more of the videos of service members reuniting with their pups here.

Two things today...boobies and honesty

The Girls

First, I want to put it out there for all, maybe I can reassure someone at some point down the line.  Mammograms are not as bad as rumored.  Yes, it was uncomfortable but not painful as I have heard it described by some.  Don't let the rumors stop you from getting your on a regular basis when the time comes.  I typically wouldn't have one yet, but because of my mom it's time for me to start.  The picture pretty much sums it up, see...not scary at all.  Took maybe 4 minutes total, tops.

If I can't be honest with myself....

Crazy that I even hesitated to put my feeling into words because I didn't want to go back on something I wrote in a previous post. Really? Lame SS, just lame.  I want this to be partially a journal for myself, I need to be honest with myself.  Like the computer is going to be disappointed in me?  I hate that word; dissapoint.  Hate to feel it, hate others to feel it about me. (that's another blog topic)

After the big revelation about putting the relationship to rest and feeling better when not in contact with the the Ex. Yeah, I heard from him and have been talking to him all week. He contacted me to let me know he had made it safely to his new duty station overseas and give me his contact info. There is a difference this time, at least it feels like it so far. I think my big revelation left me more at peace with letting go and moving on. So RIP to the relationship the way it was, there is still a relationship but I feel different about it now… no expectations, and to me that means no disappointments. I know it will be more difficult staying in contact with him and at some point it will have to come to an end. I can't imagine dating someone new and them being OK with "Oh but he's deployed and I'm just being supportive" when it comes to the man I thought I was going to marry.

I use it as an excuse or as a reason to justify to myself that what I'm doing isn't "bad" for me. I swear I'm saving myself from feeling bad down the line because "I just couldn't live with myself not talking to him knowing that he is getting ready to deploy."  It's coming very soon and right now I don't feel like I can do anything but be supportive, as a friend.

It gets complicated. Talking to him this morning he told me he wanted me to start wearing his ring again. He mentioned it when I went to see him in San Antonio, looked at my hand "where is your ring?" All I could say is "that's not what we are anymore". I wish I had emotion switch to just flick off when necessary (or would that make me a sociopath?...so never mind on that wish)

So self, I'm being honest. Not trying to hide it and act like I've got some superpower to stick to what I've previously expressed or thought. It's OK. It's my feelings, they can be confusing and I don't always know what's best for me. I've decided to not beat myself up over it. It is what it is, that's how I feel, it's authentic.

Make it three things

I would be remiss in not expressing my sincere thoughts and prayers for affected by the tragic events at Ft. Hood.

The Alamo & Unfinished Business

Looks like I'm off to The Alamo to take care of some unfinished business.

Well, it was finished business that has since gotten complicated and became unfinished but you get what I'm sayin'?

Going to see The Ex for a weekend.

This all relates to The Ex and his change of heart and asking me to give him a second chance. Yeah, that started months ago and we're just now actually getting to a face to face. He'll try and say it's all because of the Army and the timing. I say that is only part of the issue and that he has had plenty of opportunity to make this happen before now. That is a huge part of why I think it is probably going to be a final good bye rather than the start of trying to put things back together.

He waited too long. With his upcoming overseas move whether or not there was even time to rebuild something strong enough to last thru that was already questionable (to me). And then he has waited, and waited, and waited to make this happen. He knew that I was open to the idea but I felt that there needed to be a face to face discussion before I could even make a decision and it didn't happen.

Am I being unreasonable and not understanding enough of what he's been going thru with his career, career path changes, the Army, the Army's penchant for changes, etc etc etc? I don't think so, but I'm not on that side of the fence. I do know that when we met and for the year and a half that we were together he was in the Army, he was and did start and complete the first year of his job, and all thru that he made sure that he made things happen between us, visits and the phone calls (even if just for 10 seconds to say hello) and text messages etc. So because of that, I feel that if he really wanted it he would have made it happen... because he has been able to make that happen before.

I haven't been thru a deployment, but I can only imagine the solid foundation and strength in the relationship that is needed for it to be successful. We HAD that, but then it was broken and I just don't know how that can even be fixed in time.

I guess regardless of it being because of circumstances outside of his control I don't think there is enough time left. It's about 7-8 weeks before he will leave for overseas, he's finishing up his current training in a couple of weeks then off to another state for another 3 weeks and then bye bye for a long time.

I wonder why I'm even going to see him? It has been a little over 4 months since we broke up and it is probably too late, but I feel that I just need to make sure. Seeing him, seeing if there is still a connection, seeing if this is something keep trying for is something I have to do. This was a man that made me feel loved like I never have before, this was a man that I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with... even with the heartbreak, I just have to make sure.

Feeling good to be me

I didn't realize how much I missed myself! No, I'm not kissing my own image in the mirror... I'm just sayin'....

Thanks to the motivation of not wanting to waste $ I spent on a trainer, I'm back into a good fitness routine. I have broken that dreaded barrier of getting back into a routine and loving to get my exercise. I LOVE reading the blogs of all of you out there that are tackling fitness and athletic goals. Very much an inspiration!

I am so much enjoying my golf clinic. I went out to practice at the range this weekend and I was able to hold on to the corrections I was given to work on and felt really good about most of my shots. I love having found a little hobby that I'm enjoying so much and that challenges me.

Still trying to figure out what all this stuff and conversations with the Ex will result in. When I start to think that I want to give him a 2nd chance, I wonder if I'm just missing and wanting back what we had or if I really want to re-build? We can't go back to what we had. If I decided to take him back, we would be building something new and it would be different. VERY different considering his upcoming move and deployment. Gawd, I'm just so damn pissed at him when I think about the good thing that he messed up. The deployment would have been a challenge regardless, but could we even pull it off with a weakened foundation? And hell yes I'm scared that he'd pull this BS again. He keeps telling me that he would be back in it 100%, he is serious, he knows what he wants and he never stopped wanting "us" and our future together (the old "I got scared, stressed, freaked out" reasoning), when he returns from the deployment he wants me to move over there with him and the whole "M" word. You know what....YOU SAID ALL THAT BEFORE and look what you did!?! Can I trust that he won't do it again? If I decide to give him that chance, I have to make sure that I will be able get over the hurt and fears and be in it 100% myself. He is trying to get me to accept a ticket for a weekend visit with him before he takes off for his TDYs (2 of them back to back before leaving-leaving).

Things that go bump in my head the night.

Things that I was afraid of aren't as scary anymore. I've been guided to seeing a different perspective that has taken away the power of many of my fears. And for others, I know that when or if these situations do occur I will bounce back. They won't send me into a dark mental pit that I can't climb my way out of. That day, Mothers Day, when I was scared of that dark place .... that was a normal part of the grief process and not a place for me to be stuck forever. Do you even have a clue how absolutely 10,000lb weight off my shoulders freeing it was to have someone tell me that was normal and I wasn't going to get stuck there?



Back to work and The New Adventures of ME! I think I need to make some changes to the blog. I no longer feel Under Construction.

Aye yi yi...

I thought when you became a grown up these kinds of issues were behind you and you were all happy and grown up acting from there on out.   

Apparently I am not a grown up yet.

Apparently the 16 year old's vision of being a grown up and exactly when that happens wasn't based on anything but a mere 16 years of life experience.  

Surprisingly enough, I don't feel like I have much more of life figured out than I did when I was 16.  I imagine my 89 year old Granny just kind of giggling at me.... oh her silly little S.... you dear child, you have so much to learn.  *I love my Gran*  For all the adult responsibilities that I have learned to handle, and handle quite well I might add, there is oh so much more I have to figure out about life. 

Did I ever think I would be 37 and just finishing college and needing to decide exactly which route to take to finally get licensed and start my "real" career?  Did I ever imagine at 37 I would have so much of my life to live without my mom there by my side?  Did I ever think I'd be falling in love and getting my heart broken and going thru those same types of relationship roller coasters?   I did not expect adults to act so childish at times, including myself.

 I just never thought that being a grown up would still contain so much uncertainty, so much "drama" and confusion.  That was what the teens... oh and then the 20's.... oh and then the start of my 30's.... were suppose to be all about.   I was suppose to figure shit out by now.

The ball is in my court

I have talked to the Ex daily since he called on Friday.  The feeling of distance and being a bit removed that I felt when we talked over the weekend is starting to fade.  Heart is starting to contribute its opinions to the decision Head was trying to make on it's own.  Heart is bruised from the hit we took so the direction of that influence varies hour to hour.

I noticed yesterday that he was slipping into the old familiar patterns.  The AM "good morning" text message, a phone call when he knew it was time for me to take my lunch break, shortly after 5pm when I get off work.  Then there was a "hey, baby" thrown in the mix.  Whoa.  That felt strange.  I little on the presumptuous side I thought.  Then a "when do I get to see you"?  *skrrrrrrrt*  We are NOT at that point and I told him so. 

So, what is the point of all this?  Why are we talking?  I don't even know what we are doing?  I don't know what your motivation is, what do you want?  And he said it... he wants me back, he wants us back.   The ball is now in my court,   "I will wait, we can be whatever you want us to be while you take the time you need to decide if you will take me back."

I will take my time.  If you knew me, you would know that I will find a way to over think this.  I imagine I will have another sleepless night as my little brain won't shut off and I attempt to what-ifs this to death.  I have time, and he IS going to have to wait.  There are a lot of complicated issues here and trust me, just about any concern that anyone can come up with is on my radar and will be processed thru my logic machine.

My biggest concern is if there would be enough time before the deployment for us to rebuild the foundation we had. *sigh*

Long story short....sorta.... I'm scared

If I spent time writing everything that I've wanted to talk thru "out loud" with myself lately I'd never have time to get anything else done. For whatever reason my brain likes to go thru all these things after I've crawled into the bed for the evening, so weeks of most nights of fitful sleep I feel like a cheese brain today.

Anyway. The Ex and the text messages from Friday turned into a phone call from him right at 5pm when he knew I'd be leaving work. Yes, I answered.

More than one conversation over the weekend. He said the things that I wanted to hear from him weeks ago. Well, actually, I'd rather they never needed to be said at all, but I finally got the conversation I was looking for, got to ask the questions I wanted to ask. The conversations were riddled with apologies, explanations (also excuses), "I fucked up"s, "I don't know what I was thinking", "you are the best woman I've ever know", etc. etc. etc. I listened, I agreed, with no holds barred I let him know what he did to me and how it made me feel. And that's where we stand. I don't know how much we will continue to talk, if we will continue to talk, if I want to do that to myself. I just don't know. I'm in a big fat cloud of the unknown right now.

If I had had this conversation with him weeks ago, when the heart ache and grief were still intertwined (part of my therapy, I've been able to distinguish what part of my sadness and reaction are from grief rather than the breakup...that is very good to be able to do), I would never have been able to pull it off in a rational manner. I would have been so blubbering with tears and sobbing I wouldn't have said what I wanted to and I don't know that he would have heard anything but a sobbing woman on the phone.

I didn't have that longing feeling pull at my gut or my heart. He gave me so much time that my mind is already starting to reprogram itself to a life with out him. A month or so ago I would have feel longing and some sort of feeling of wanting to get back together with him. Yes, even after the hurt, I wouldn't have been in a place far enough removed that those feeling wouldn't have come to the surface. I'm not over/over him by any means, but some of those connections are already broken.

This is why i'm scared....

The effin D word. The Army has finally decided where he is headed after his class this summer. After the class that I already knew about, they are sending him for an additional 3-4 (I don't remember exact time fram) of training for the new unit he will be with, then overseas and he said he'll only be there about a month before they DEPLOY. I know. Nothing new for a lot of you. In concept, not new for me either. While dating we had some very serious and realistic conversations because he wanted me to understand what his career meant and said that it wasn't a matter of if, just when he would be deployed. That's actually how I ended up first reading blogs.... I was on the internet seeing if there was anything out there about real life experiences surrounding the life military families and I stumbled across a blog of a girl who's husband was in the same career and at the same place in his career as my Ex.

But now it's here and I'm scared. Scared of what I'm not sure, he's not even my boyfriend anymore but I do still love him and it is kind of freaking me out.