It's done! Race for the Cure 2010 ...a slow and steady 36 mins

Done!  My first 5k, 2010 Race for the Cure (Susan G. Komen for the Cure). I came in at my exact time goal of 36 mins.

In typical fashion for the Northwest, it rained. As much as I was whining, I think it kind of helped keep me cool.

But the best news is I exceeded my personal goal for donations, my friends and family kicked in for $840! Woo hoo!  This is the big fundraising even for our local chapter of Susan G. Komen for the Cure.  It's an organization I passionately support was tickled to turn in my donations.  *smile*

OK, what's next?  I need a new task.

My thoughts... are those my thoughts?

I do this over and over. I have a day when I'm feeling not so together and I write down my thoughts. Then the next day I read what I wrote and I think "who was that?".

Isn't that the whole point of this for me, right? Get things out, write things down so I can see where I have been, how I've processed things and have reminders of how I was able to handle whatever was going on in my life at a given time....good, bad and ugly.

I asked a friend this morning if she ever wrote down what was going thru her head when she was having a rough patch. She said that yes she has done that but she "sounded like a crazy person" so she stopped. That is how I feel.

I've always had a hard time translating the thoughts and feelings that are in my head into the right words or into well put prose so they come out exactly how they are floating in my head.

Because this is a public forum, after a scattered thought/having a rough day post, I feel compelled to post about all the things in my life that I do appreciate, love, cherish and am grateful for. God forbid that someone read what I just wrote the day before and not realize that there is more to me than being a grown woman who feels a lot lost right now. It might just be a good for ME too. I have never completely lost sight of all the good things in my life, I just need to pull them back up as the main focus.

My Blessings

I see a pattern. After I talk about feeling bad, I then want to make sure everyone (blog, "the universe", God) knows that there is more than weepy feelings and loss in my life. I do have good things in my life as well and I do appreciate the heck out of them.

First and foremost I am blessed with my life. I had an accident over the summer and it was an honest to God blessing that I was not seriously injured, or worse.

I am healthy.

I have friends & family that would do anything for me.

I had 35 years with the best mother I could have ever hoped for.

It can hurt like a SOB when & if it ends, but I am happy to say I know what it feel like to love and be loved. It didn't work out in the end, but my last relationship was an amazing relationship while it lasted. I felt loved. I was adored and treated like I should be. I am grateful for that. If I hadn't experienced feeling loved in a healthy relationship, I think I'd be prone to continue to settle for less in my future relationships.

I have a job that is currently stable.

After years of juggling working full time & school I GRATUATED last spring!

I have discovered that I am resilient. I feel that I have strengths and the skills (or at least I know who to talk to for help) to tackle just about anything that life is going to throw my way.

Yes, I'm having a bit of a tough time right now with certain events and emotions but that in no way means I don't appreciate and see the positive in my life. Life isn't black & white; it doesn't have to be all one or all the other. It's one big mixed up ball of unexpected twists and turns!

This is who I am.... good, bad, sad, happy, angry, joyful... all rolled into one.

Project ME!

Forget holding on, forget being sad over things that didn't happen, forget sitting around and feeling like life is just happening to me. I'm really done feeling like that.

The 3.5 years have been one change after another. Some have been good, some have been bad and the last 6 months have really been packed!

I'm going to try and spin this into the positive. I know there will always be tough/sad times in life, but right now I'm turning all that ish into somewhat of a clean slate.

I feel like I have been living my life to please other people. That's just a function of how I grew up... do good, make mom/grandma/family/man proud, get praise, etc etc. etc. I need to revisit the question, "Who am I being good for?" or rather "Who am I living for?" and the answer has got to be a resounding "ME!" Yes, I do thinkg here and there to make myself happy, but this is going to be bigger picture stuff. I need to find my own motivation for accomplishing goals and making my mark in the world. It need not matter if my mom or anyone else is there to say she is proud or uphold a set of rules and expectations for me. I need to be able to do that on my own, to please myself not because that is what mom, dad, granny, friend, or man in my life expects.

I'm a little intimidated because this is new. I've done well in my life but never truly just to please myself. Scary because I think I have higher expectations for myself than anyone else ever could, maybe that's why it was easier to do things to meet their expectations rather than my own. Good lord, what could be worse than disappointing myself? That would suck.

Adding to my description

I have another word to add to my description: AUTHENTIC.

That is how I want to be in all relationships. I've really been evaluating my relationship with the Ex to learn from it. I realized there were a lot of times that I wasn't being the 100% real deal me. I'm all about learning and growing in a relationship but there were times that I was trying to change my personality that weren't about growth, they were about editing who I am. I didn't hide or edit the really important things... I wasn't being a fake person, but I wasn't being authentic. I sometimes felt like a child does with their parent, you want to do well, you want their approval, you don't want to disappoint. Things about me that I knew weren't his "ideal" I would try to minimize. Things like, oh... my sarcasms and potty mouth. Those are the two biggies that I can think of. Do you realize how hard it is to hide sarcasm? I mean, until someone who doesn't care for it starts pointing out how often things come out of your mouth with a sarcastic twist you don't realize how much that really is ingrained into your personality. I'll admit, there were times when I'd say something and not at all intend for it to be sarcastic and it was coming out that way. That was helpful, to be mindful of "tone" so I don't come across sarcastic when that's not what I intend. But let’s be honest here, most of the time I do intend to be sarcastic... that is the AUTHENTIC me.

So I'm expanding that to all aspects of me and my relationships. It is just too tiring trying to edit myself in any relationship.

So here I go


To new beginnings, learning, living, adventures and more words to add to my description!  Oh... hopefully some love too! ;-)

Gymgasim

That is what happened to me today when I had weight and measurement evaluation with my trainer!
Since I started tracking... lost from my body are:

11lbs
1.5" each thigh
2" hips
4.5" waist (yup yup)
3/4" each upper arm
1" chest

Body fat reduced by 5%

I know this isn't earth shattering but rather slow and steady. This means that I'm back into my good habits. It's not a crunch to drop 10lbs in 3 weeks on a "diet" it's making the small adjustments that are the balance between me being healthy and not feeling at all deprived.

Little more work to go and that's all on my end, I have not been so good with my cardio and that's what I need to do to carve off a little more of the padding.

Only 10lbs to my fighting weight! woot woot

Resilience

I am resilient! I came across this article today and crazy as it is, reading about dealing with hardship made me perk up. It made me perk up because *smacking my forehead doh* I am resilient. Yup, I just realized that I have a new word to add when folks ask me to describe myself. I hadn't ever had this word in my description. Until recently I was blessed to have a life that had so far lacked hardship. *Amen* Having this new word in my description makes me feel good. I know I can take whatever comes my way and bounce back. It's official.

I've had some ish to deal with lately, the accident I was in was something new, but the old stuff was still lurking and issues with my dad popped up again last week. I will write more about that at some point in the near future, that's a whole dump truck full of shit to get off my chest!

Today I realize that thru the last 3.5 years I have faced my challenges and not run away. I have come out a stronger person that I ever realized I was. I am a different woman, one that I like a lot. I have been able to find joy, pleasure and laughs along the way. I have an amazing group of friends and family whose support has made all the difference in the word. There is always a positive perspective that I can dig out from somewhere. So I'm dealing with my stuff, I'm losing some relationships and building others even stronger, I'm back to hitting golf balls, driving around in my new car that I loves and feeling engaged in my own life again.

Now that being said, enough already! lol Let me finishing healing before something else brews up.

RESILIENCE: Build skills to endure hardship

Resilience — Improve coping skills so that you can handle life's hardships better.
From MayoClinic.com

When something goes wrong, do you tend to bounce back or fall apart? When you have resilience, you harness inner strengths and rebound more quickly from a setback or challenge, whether it's a job loss, an illness, a disaster or the death of a loved one.

In contrast, if you lack resilience, you tend to dwell on problems, feel victimized, become overwhelmed and turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as substance abuse. You may even be more inclined to develop mental health problems.

Resilience won't make your problems go away. But resilience can give you the ability to see past them, find enjoyment in life and handle stress better. If you aren't as resilient as you'd like to be, you can develop skills to become more resilient.

Resilience means adapting to adversity

Resilience is the ability to roll with the punches. It means that although you encounter stress, adversity, trauma or tragedy, you keep functioning, both psychologically and physically.

Resilience isn't about toughing it out or living by old cliches, such as "grin and bear it." It doesn't mean you ignore your feelings. When adversity strikes, you still experience anger, grief and pain, but you're able to go on with daily tasks, remain generally optimistic and go on with your life. Being resilient also doesn't mean being stoic or going it alone. In fact, being able to reach out to others for support is a key component of being resilient.

Resilience and mental health

Resilience helps protect you against mental health problems, such as depression and anxiety. It can also help offset factors that put you at risk of mental illness, such as lack of social support, being bullied or previous trauma. And being resilient can help you cope better with an existing mental illness.

Tips to improve your resilience

Working on your mental well-being is just as important as working on your physical health. If you want to strengthen your resilience, try these tips:

Get connected. Build strong, positive relationships with family and friends, who provide support and acceptance. Volunteer, get involved in your community, or join a faith or spiritual community.

Find meaning. Develop a sense of purpose for your life. Having something meaningful to focus on can help you share emotions, feel gratitude and experience an enhanced sense of well-being.

Start laughing. Finding humor in stressful situations doesn't mean you're in denial. Humor is a helpful coping mechanism. If you can't find any humor in a situation, turn to other sources for a laugh, such as a funny book or movie.

Learn from experience. Think back on how you've coped with hardships in the past. Build on skills and strategies that helped you through the rough times, and don't repeat those that didn't help.

Remain hopeful. You can't change what's happened in the past, but you can always look toward the future. Find something in each day that signals a change for the better. Expect good results.

Take care of yourself. Tend to your own needs and feelings, both physically and emotionally. This includes participating in activities and hobbies you enjoy, exercising regularly, getting plenty of sleep and eating well.

Keep a journal. Write about your experiences, thoughts and feelings. Journaling can help you experience strong emotions you may otherwise be afraid to unleash. It also can help you see situations in a new way and help you identify patterns in your behavior and reactions.

Accept and anticipate change. Expecting changes to occur makes it easier to adapt to them, tolerate them and even welcome them. With practice, you can learn to be more flexible and not view change with as much anxiety.

Work toward a goal. Do something every day that gives you a sense of accomplishment. Even small, everyday goals are important. Having goals helps you look toward the future.

Take action. Don't just wish your problems would go away or try to ignore them. Instead, figure out what needs to be done, make a plan and take action.

Maintain perspective. Look at your situation in the larger context of your own life and of the world. Keep a long-term perspective and know that your situation can improve if you actively work at it.

Practice stress management and relaxation techniques. Restore an inner sense of peace and calm by practicing such stress-management and relaxation techniques as yoga, meditation, deep breathing, visualization, imagery, prayer or muscle relaxation.
When to seek professional advice

Becoming more resilient takes time and practice. If you don't feel you're making progress — or you just don't know where to start — consider talking to a mental health professional. With their guidance, you can improve your resiliency and mental well-being.

Resilience helps you thrive

Resilience can help you endure loss, chronic stress, traumatic events and other challenges. It'll enable you to develop a reservoir of internal resources that you can draw on, and it may protect you against developing some mental illnesses or help you cope better with an existing mental illness. Resilience will help you survive challenges and even thrive in the midst of hardship.
http://health.msn.com/health-topics/caregiving/end-of-life/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100242451&gt1=31052

Back to my other reality

Isn't it interesting how a sudden event in your life can demand so much attention at the time that any other issues or struggles in your life quickly move to the background, almost like they don't even exist? *poof* They are gone... unfortunately not forgotten.

The stress in the forefront of my brain recently was having to go out and replace my car this last weekend. Now that the car is purchased and that piece is over with, guess what? That other stuff is still there and has to be dealt with.

I'm still struggling with the relationship with my father. He called last week and asked that in the next two weeks I come over and get my "memories" out of the house. He said he doesn't want to feel responsible for them if something were to happen to the house and I lost them. I know there is more to it than that, but hey, I'm more than a grown woman so no reason my dad should still store my stuff. Never mind that this is stuff that I never expected to have to deal with until much much further down the line in my life.

I still have that nagging floating issue with the Ex. We still talk, but I know in my heart that the big grand show and the whole "will you give me another chance" conversations of recent past were just that; A show. Other than phone calls, he never followed thru with actions. Even taking into consideration his career and his being in the military, he had time for some other "pleasure" things in life so if he was serious and wanted it he would have made it happen and did have time for "us". But I can't seem to take the final step and let that go. Damn it, and I really wanted him to be serious and for us to work it out. Oh well. *sigh*

And once all this starts to process I know that there is more to come in relation to this recent "tragic accident" that I will have to deal with as they come. It will most likely be a long process... a process which I wish I could write about. Well, I can write about it but something about sharing those writings would help me.

On a positive note... I was reading New Girl On Post's "I Never" today and one of her nevers reminded me of one of my likes.... golf. The weather her has finally cooled down enough here that it's time for me to get out to the range. I'm putting that on my To Do list for tomorrow after work and excited to wear my new golf shoes. Thanks Melissa, you don't get it but you reminded me of something I do!

Feeling good to be me

I didn't realize how much I missed myself! No, I'm not kissing my own image in the mirror... I'm just sayin'....

Thanks to the motivation of not wanting to waste $ I spent on a trainer, I'm back into a good fitness routine. I have broken that dreaded barrier of getting back into a routine and loving to get my exercise. I LOVE reading the blogs of all of you out there that are tackling fitness and athletic goals. Very much an inspiration!

I am so much enjoying my golf clinic. I went out to practice at the range this weekend and I was able to hold on to the corrections I was given to work on and felt really good about most of my shots. I love having found a little hobby that I'm enjoying so much and that challenges me.

Still trying to figure out what all this stuff and conversations with the Ex will result in. When I start to think that I want to give him a 2nd chance, I wonder if I'm just missing and wanting back what we had or if I really want to re-build? We can't go back to what we had. If I decided to take him back, we would be building something new and it would be different. VERY different considering his upcoming move and deployment. Gawd, I'm just so damn pissed at him when I think about the good thing that he messed up. The deployment would have been a challenge regardless, but could we even pull it off with a weakened foundation? And hell yes I'm scared that he'd pull this BS again. He keeps telling me that he would be back in it 100%, he is serious, he knows what he wants and he never stopped wanting "us" and our future together (the old "I got scared, stressed, freaked out" reasoning), when he returns from the deployment he wants me to move over there with him and the whole "M" word. You know what....YOU SAID ALL THAT BEFORE and look what you did!?! Can I trust that he won't do it again? If I decide to give him that chance, I have to make sure that I will be able get over the hurt and fears and be in it 100% myself. He is trying to get me to accept a ticket for a weekend visit with him before he takes off for his TDYs (2 of them back to back before leaving-leaving).

Things that go bump in my head the night.

Things that I was afraid of aren't as scary anymore. I've been guided to seeing a different perspective that has taken away the power of many of my fears. And for others, I know that when or if these situations do occur I will bounce back. They won't send me into a dark mental pit that I can't climb my way out of. That day, Mothers Day, when I was scared of that dark place .... that was a normal part of the grief process and not a place for me to be stuck forever. Do you even have a clue how absolutely 10,000lb weight off my shoulders freeing it was to have someone tell me that was normal and I wasn't going to get stuck there?



Back to work and The New Adventures of ME! I think I need to make some changes to the blog. I no longer feel Under Construction.

Hitching wagons and it could have been worse...

Thank you Sweet Jesus that I have more than one wagon and I don't hitch them all to the same horse. Had I been the type of woman to hinge all my future plans and goings on the relationship with my ex (one of the horses...one particular end of one of the horses) I would be SOL big time. Luckily for me, I'm not that woman.... so only one of my wagons that was hitched to THAT particular horse is left behind. Off I go dragging my other wagons (if I'm going to call myself a horse you can bet I'm the prettiest pony out there!), gonna stop buy and pick up that empty one left on the side of the trail and see what we can fill it with next. Yee Haw.... geddy up and all that good horse talk. *can you tell I did NOT grow up on cowboy country*

Things that could have been worse and other positive notes:

He broke it off BEFORE I packed up and moved. What a disaster that could have been.


I felt loved, I wasn't taken advantage of, I was treated like a very special woman, I was encouraged and praised and all that good stuff. It was a great relationship while it lasted and right up until he chose a poor ending.


At the time we met I needed to have joy and hope and positive things to help get me thru a difficult loss. I really do believe he was sent for a reason.

Lessons learned always have some future benefit.

Plus....

I have all these frequent flier miles (thanks for the tickets!) and will use them to go somewhere fabulous and in first class. Maybe Hawaii WITH OUT you is just what the Dr. (heh heh... there is a pun there) ordered!

And I'm going to enjoy my pretty diamond ring regardless. *plbbbbb* :-P