So it might not be my exact choice for hot guys, but not bad. I think I love the name of this post at The Frisky most of all.
Nerd Girl Porn: Hot Guys Playing Golf
Should I make it my life's ambition to compile my own collection of hot guys playing golf? I've already got one under my belt.
Well not really.
Just as I predicted (of course didn't say it out loud incase I was wrong) I heard from the Ex over the weekend. I was expecting to hear from him sometime between finishing his last training class and leaving for overseas. I didn't expect the call to come so quickly.
I knew at some point (just as I was getting use to the idea of not having conversations with him) I'd hear from him. I knew he wouldn't leave without testing the waters to see if I'm considered "a friend" and if he still has some sort of connection with me.
All along I told myself that I wouldn't answer when he called. *I've heard that before*
I was out at the driving range on a beautiful Sunday morning swinging away and the phone rang. I took a look. I could have ignored the call. I didn't. *again, doesn't this sound familiar* Talking to me like normal, like the last conversation we had wasn't in an airport with me crying my eyes out as we said goodbye, the final goodbye to our relationship and the final goodbye before he leaves overseas.
I didn't have to answer... but I couldn't help it. I think I was afraid of how I'd feel if I didn't talk to him again or cut off our communication before he deploys.
One phone call and here I go all over again trying to let go.
My freakin shots went to shit too.
Isn't it interesting how a sudden event in your life can demand so much attention at the time that any other issues or struggles in your life quickly move to the background, almost like they don't even exist? *poof* They are gone... unfortunately not forgotten.
The stress in the forefront of my brain recently was having to go out and replace my car this last weekend. Now that the car is purchased and that piece is over with, guess what? That other stuff is still there and has to be dealt with.
I'm still struggling with the relationship with my father. He called last week and asked that in the next two weeks I come over and get my "memories" out of the house. He said he doesn't want to feel responsible for them if something were to happen to the house and I lost them. I know there is more to it than that, but hey, I'm more than a grown woman so no reason my dad should still store my stuff. Never mind that this is stuff that I never expected to have to deal with until much much further down the line in my life.
I still have that nagging floating issue with the Ex. We still talk, but I know in my heart that the big grand show and the whole "will you give me another chance" conversations of recent past were just that; A show. Other than phone calls, he never followed thru with actions. Even taking into consideration his career and his being in the military, he had time for some other "pleasure" things in life so if he was serious and wanted it he would have made it happen and did have time for "us". But I can't seem to take the final step and let that go. Damn it, and I really wanted him to be serious and for us to work it out. Oh well. *sigh*
And once all this starts to process I know that there is more to come in relation to this recent "tragic accident" that I will have to deal with as they come. It will most likely be a long process... a process which I wish I could write about. Well, I can write about it but something about sharing those writings would help me.
On a positive note... I was reading New Girl On Post's "I Never" today and one of her nevers reminded me of one of my likes.... golf. The weather her has finally cooled down enough here that it's time for me to get out to the range. I'm putting that on my To Do list for tomorrow after work and excited to wear my new golf shoes. Thanks Melissa, you don't get it but you reminded me of something I do!
I didn't realize how much I missed myself! No, I'm not kissing my own image in the mirror... I'm just sayin'....
Thanks to the motivation of not wanting to waste $ I spent on a trainer, I'm back into a good fitness routine. I have broken that dreaded barrier of getting back into a routine and loving to get my exercise. I LOVE reading the blogs of all of you out there that are tackling fitness and athletic goals. Very much an inspiration!
I am so much enjoying my golf clinic. I went out to practice at the range this weekend and I was able to hold on to the corrections I was given to work on and felt really good about most of my shots. I love having found a little hobby that I'm enjoying so much and that challenges me.
Still trying to figure out what all this stuff and conversations with the Ex will result in. When I start to think that I want to give him a 2nd chance, I wonder if I'm just missing and wanting back what we had or if I really want to re-build? We can't go back to what we had. If I decided to take him back, we would be building something new and it would be different. VERY different considering his upcoming move and deployment. Gawd, I'm just so damn pissed at him when I think about the good thing that he messed up. The deployment would have been a challenge regardless, but could we even pull it off with a weakened foundation? And hell yes I'm scared that he'd pull this BS again. He keeps telling me that he would be back in it 100%, he is serious, he knows what he wants and he never stopped wanting "us" and our future together (the old "I got scared, stressed, freaked out" reasoning), when he returns from the deployment he wants me to move over there with him and the whole "M" word. You know what....YOU SAID ALL THAT BEFORE and look what you did!?! Can I trust that he won't do it again? If I decide to give him that chance, I have to make sure that I will be able get over the hurt and fears and be in it 100% myself. He is trying to get me to accept a ticket for a weekend visit with him before he takes off for his TDYs (2 of them back to back before leaving-leaving).
Things that go bump in my head the night.
Things that I was afraid of aren't as scary anymore. I've been guided to seeing a different perspective that has taken away the power of many of my fears. And for others, I know that when or if these situations do occur I will bounce back. They won't send me into a dark mental pit that I can't climb my way out of. That day, Mothers Day, when I was scared of that dark place .... that was a normal part of the grief process and not a place for me to be stuck forever. Do you even have a clue how absolutely 10,000lb weight off my shoulders freeing it was to have someone tell me that was normal and I wasn't going to get stuck there?
Back to work and The New Adventures of ME! I think I need to make some changes to the blog. I no longer feel Under Construction.
