Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Complete random time waster...aka:ish I do at work during a holiday week

If you haven't already, take a look.

Hell, submit a few of your own and then let me know so I can feel some sort of personal connection to the sites.

Awkward Family Photos
Sketchy Santas
People of Walmart

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Merry Christmas!

Times are good, mimosas have been the beverage of choice at work today and I'm off to spend time with my family.

I wonder why and what it is that makes me go thru the funky times becuase as quickly as this last one crept up on me it has gone bye bye.  I'm not complaining, that is a good thing.

I think I find some peace from letting go of this almost constant stuggle I have trying to do what I'm suppose to do or what logically is the "right thing" in my life. Currenly with my love semi love what the eff am I doing life.  When I decide that it is OK to not necessarily make the most logical decision and give myself permission to ride things out and just live in the now with what makes me happy I feel oh so much better.  Internal battles suck big holiday cheese balls.

I've been fortunate to have some decent communication with the Ex. so I know for the time being he's safe and at his final destination.  I remind myself that he is in a better situation than a lot of the soldiers and trust in his skills and blessings from God to allow him to save lives and take care of them.

Merry Christmas to everyone, wishing holiday blessings and special prayers out to our heros and their families.

Thursday, December 17, 2009


I don't really know how to process this.

We aren't together anymore, but we haven't really let go either.  The man still has a hold on my heart.

The time came, he is gone.... deployment is here.

Received email this morning with as much of an update as he can give, and tells me from his heart that I am still his girl.

I offer my prayers and love and suport and have no idea what this really means.


Wednesday, December 16, 2009

And now the goodie gumdrops stuff!

And being predictable I'm compelled to talk about the good stuff and things I'm feeling super duper (yeah I said super duper) good about.

Condo shopping

My agent is putting together the paperwork for an offer on a condo. It is a short sale so is going to take some time but there is no financial barrier to me taking my offer off the table at any time. In the mean time we'll keep our eyes peeled for anything that I like better. I'm in no rush, my first home purchase isn't going to be perfect, but it's perfect if the price is right!


and this.....

And after way to many of the above.. I mean, that was cookie monster and not me... I'm glad that I have been consistently in the gym. Not making any big progress but at least enough to burn off what I've been shoving in my face.

My family is mending

Thanksgiving was such a great gathering and we had so much fun! It reminds me of old times (like 4 years ago old times). I was so worried that we would be broken forever and that just wasn't the case. Ten golf umbrellas, three broken thermometers and a bagillion of the best Irish Coffees later we had delish deep friend turkey and all the trimmings.

I kind of skipped town for Christmas last year because I couldn't stand the thought of another horrible downer dripping with loss and grief holiday. I went with my boyfriend to meet his family and celebrate with them and it was awesome. A family that was full of love and cheer and laughter. I was craving that and missing that in my own family.

We're BACK! I can't wait to get back with them for Christmas next week. We are also adding in my uncle's family this year so it will be a big gathering for us. I'm in charge of Christmas Eve dinner for 16! Bring it on... . Christmas Vacation, A Christmas Story, Wii bowling, more of the best Irish Coffees in the world. Mmmmm, mmmm, mmmmm. Good times. Now if my Granny could only remember what she did with the boxes that I had delivered to her house on Saturday it will be perfect. *sigh*

Friends Stuff

I have lots coming up before I leave too. The celebration of one of my BFF's birf day on Saturday, more cookie and holiday goodie baking on Sunday. I'm taking my friend's 13 year old daughter under my wing and showing her how it's done... cookies from scratch. This will be her first scratch baking experience.

And I'm glad that I still manage to peek thru the tough emotional times and appreciate all that I do have.

Oh and Rudolph

You have to check out this hilarious take on the classic Rudolph.  It my favorite from childhood and this blogger's view point seeing it for the first time as an adult is awesome.

Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year to everyone!!!


Notes to self

NTS#1:   When you are feeling like this, big time indicator you need to go to the counselor for a tune up

NTS #2:   Realizing that the counselor is going to be more than the "grief" counselor you previously sought out.  As the layers of ick peel back I'm realizing that there are more issues at work here than just the grief.  Kind of like the grief opened up pandora's box.   I'd rather get this figured out now so I can grow.  Don't feel bad little self, they aren't major just the little things and behaviors you have learned over the years that may now be limiting you.

NTS#3 Stop beating yourself up so damn much! Good lawd, nobody expects you to be perfect. They accept you and your warts, why can't you accep them yourself?  What good does it do to keep making yourself feel bad over things that nobody else even cares about?  Get over it, live your life and enjoy it already.

NTS#4:  You were already aware that this was going to be a process and that in the process there would be good patches and bad.   Remember when the bad patches come that they will go away and don't forget that they are getting shorter and shorter in length, fewer and further between and all that good progress stuff.

NTS#5:  It all worked out OK for Bridget Jones in the end, so don't worry.

Friday, December 4, 2009

I won the Boobie Prize, literaly - Mammogram Part II

Probably more than anyone wanted to know but I'm posting just in case the journey to getting my baseline mammogram might take some of the fear and mystery out of it for another woman.

I had my first mammogram last month. Again, typically not done at my age but I now have a "family history" so I start early.

I received a letter in the mail from the Breast Center stating that the radiologist would like to get some additional images. This wasn't scary, I had been told that in about 10% of mammograms (and more so in baseline images and in younger women who have dense breasts) they ask for additional images to check things out.

See all that white... it hides images of tumors.  (FYI not my boob)

I went in for my follow up yesterday. They told me it was only the right side and I asked so the tech showed me what my images looked like and the area that was in question. My breast tissue is asymmetrical, I have more dense and glandular tissue in the right side and there were areas of interest that they wanted to flatten out more and see if they could image all the way thru to make sure it wasn't hiding anything. Cool. I understand that. Better safe than sorry. These spot images placed a little more pressure on da boobie than the first mammogram did. Still nothing I would call painful.

Different than the first time, they take the images into the radiologist while you wait to make sure they have all the images they want. So I wait. I'm cold sitting in my little hospital cape thing. I'm also wondering why there are two women sitting there in nice plush robes and I only got a cape.... boy, they must have some mighty fine insurance!

I get called in for some MORE images. This time they want to "roll" the breast and get some different angles and the tech says "Dr. S indicated that she will most likely also send you for an ultrasound" Hmmmm. This is turning out to be more testing than I thought. What does she see that she wants to hit it with an ultra sound? Is the tech just being polite in assuring me this is all fairly standard with masses of dense tissue like I'm sporting in my right boobie.

Off I go to ultrasound. That was downright pleasant... low lighting, lying on a comfy bed, the soft hummmmm of the machine. Oh, wait, now there is a strange woman massaging warm gel all over my breast. Eh, whatever.

When the tech leaves to go take the images to the radiologist I look over at the screen. WTF is that big black void in the middle of the image and why did she take so many pictures of it? Don't get worked up, she say with a smile on her face, "Well that was a lot of work for nothing".

See the cyst?  (again, not mine)

The radiologist comes in to explain everything to me. That big black void (or more correctly it was two different black holes) are fluid filled cysts. Those are totally inconsequential. Everything looked OK. They didn't see anything that looked like a tumor hiding in all that dense tissues HOWEVER the protocol is that I now get mammograms every freakin 6 months for the next two years. Looks benign, acts benign, will be considered benign and that's what they do to establish my "normal".

Basically, I feel like I literally won the Boobie Prize for the day.

No worries and if that's what I have to do to establish a good baseline image then so be it but I can't say the longer it went on and the more tests I had to do that I wasn't praying in between.

So I'll still shout from the rooftops...when the time comes... LADIES GO GET YOUR MAMMOGRAMS!

Wednesday, December 2, 2009