Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Sweet Release & Harsh Realizations

Sweet Release

I don't realize, or rather I try to blow off, how much things really bother me. My visit to the counselor yesterday concluded with me getting some issues off my chest and the stress released. I was and am feeling lighter and my spirit a little more free than it has been over the last 4 weeks.

Just having that place to sit and let this stuff out and have someone to guide me thru some of my grief process as well as help me see the process as it affects the family dynamic has been a huge help for me.

Harsh Realization

Not until I sit down with my counselor and just start crying as soon as I open my mouth did I realize the impact or stress that I was feeling over trying to get a handle on my relationship with my dad. (step-dad, they were married for 24 years and my bio isn't in the picture)

The harsh reality is that although I'm at a place and ready to try and have a normal relationship again, he isn't. He is not processing his grief and it causes him to talk and act in strange and unfamiliar ways. There isn't a darn thing that I can do about it and if I keep trying I'm actually doing his grieving process a disservice. He needs time to figure it out and heal. It doesn't mean that I walk away, but it does mean that I don't let myself be the target of him transferring his anger instead of dealing with like he should.

No child of any age wants to accept the fact that they have lost (hopefully temporarily) not just one but both parents. There is so much guilt twisted up into the mix and I needed to be reminded that there isn't anything I can do. I can't help him like I want to. I can't help him like I feel I should and I can't beat myself up over it. I'm not all powerful and it's OK. I'm not doing a disservice to my mom, who asked me to make sure he was OK and that he'd need my help. I can't do it because he is not ready and he's the only one that can work thru his grief. Right now, I'm a reminder of my mother and it's probably overwhelming sometimes for him to see me and spend time with me.

I just never expected it to be like this. I thought when my mom's fight was over, it was going to be me and my dad fighting thru this whole after process together.

I pray for him and ask that he be guided to a time and place where he can start to really heal.

I thank God for my family and the support system I do have that is still intact.

Other Stuff
I did not bring up the subject of the current situation with my Ex and me trying to figure out if I will take him back. Another issue jumped to the forefront begging to be worked on.
She did make an interesting comment regarding men and when I'll know that I have a "keeper". It has to do with recognizing the highly matriarchal structure of my family. When I have a man in my life that is willing to challenge that a bit by stepping up and making a place for a man in the structure, as well as being there for me emotionally... that will be the keeper. Oh yeah, and she has a hunch that it will be hard for me to let him be there for me emotionally. *I have no idea what she is talking about... heh* Here come the "lack of daddy" issues that I would swear didn't have an impact on me and dating. As she so kindly pointed out, I've never had that kind of man in my life so I have to be careful to not settle.

OK enough for now. I needed to run thru it all again today to make sure it sticks!


Crazy Shenanigans said...

That's one main reason why I haven't got to counseling. Is I know and have a fear they'll bring up the "lack of a daddy" issue when it comes to my relationship. Ekkk.

Glad it's going better!