Confession: Food

I started to cry this morning as I was logging on to my sparkpeople.com account to start up my food log again.

My password alludes to me having some sort of level of fitness, which I do...and did... but I felt like a phony using that as my password today.

I have an issue with emotional eating and I'm using food to fill that big lonely sad hole right now.   This isn't the "oh hey, allow yourself some indulgence while you get over your breakup" kind of thing.  The amount of food and lack of control are really starting to scare me.   We're talking eatuntilyouarealmostsickstandatthekitchencountereatingsomethingdoesn'teventastesogood kind of thing.

When I read on the always factual internet something about binge eating, "disorder" and "shrouded in secrecy" I figured if I shared I didn't really have "THAT" problem. Right?

Hmmmm.. it also said something about having troubles expressing anger as a cause.  Like I have any reason to be angry right now?  *pft*

It scares me to be this out of control.  I've worked very hard on my fitness over the last several years and I don't know why I would do this to myself.  Being somewhat of a control freak, it surprises me that I let something like this be out of control.  I'm embarassed.  I need to fix this.

Today is a new day.  I'm starting my food log again. I've got this.

Gearing up for some funny ish!

Anjelah Johnson show tonight with my girls!

Are you familiar? Oh please say you are... she is hilarious. From her stand up to skits on Mad TV. Love Love Love.

This will be some much needed laughs with my girls, followed up with a trip to the cigar bar and maybe some bootay shakin. Mmmm hmmm. Tonights gonna be a good good night!

Support Cindy's Hope Chest...helping those battling breast cancer.

Please take a moment to visit and help her win some great advertising space for her charity, Cindy's Hope Chest.

Catch up on her blog, she's been holding down the fort as an Army wife, mother,breast cancer survivor, and now advocate helping others as they fight like a girl to kick cancer in the bootay!

This is a cause very near and dear to my heart.  I lost my mom to breast cancer in October of 2007 and I know that the kinds of support and services that Cindy's Hope Chest provides are needed and appreciated beyond belief.

Vacation..Italy, Costa Rica, the good stuff!

No big secret. The end of my "dream vacation" was ASS.

Before the ASS hit, I did have some good stuff going on.

Italy

I was able to see a little bit of a new area of Italy and I although I will never see them again, I got to meet some really cool people.

I was able to get dressed up and experience my first and probably last military formal.

The time was spent mostly close to home and doing every day stuffs, but I was still able to see part of the country that was new to me.  I put on my cold weather running gear and explored on my own as far as my legs wanted to take me and we did have a weekend of touristy stuff.   I'm not in the mood to share pictures, this one still feels a little too angrybitterish.

And here is something that was unexpected.  I saw a blogger while I was there.  It's someone I use to read, but her blog kind of stopped and low and behold.  Of course I didn't say anything. She isn't someone I ever really exchanged comments with but it was surprising.

Costa Rica

It was beautiful. The weather was beautiful. Love love love this place. 

I sat out here...

Playa Conchal

And golfed here....

who knew my golfing partner wanted to be Tiger Woods...in every way.

And drank with the cupacabra....

yes, that whatchamacallit took my pina colada!

Unfortunately the whole travel adventure will be tainted, but I can't let that take away the few good memories right?

Fu*cker.  I don't really feel like it's ever inappropriate for me to get that out when the desire strikes.

Phase 1.5

"Fake it till ya make it" just isn't cutting it anymore. 

It was one month ago yesterday that I found out my man was a fake, fraud, phony, narcissist. Yes, I said it.  He was more that just a selfish asshole.  Pray that you never encounter one outside of reading a case study.

It was one month ago today that I walked away from him at the airport knowing it would be the last time I would see him. The last time I would tell him goodbye.

Today is the day to start something new.

No more giving myself permission to make choices that aren't healthy for me "because you deserve to take a break".  No more justifying sitting on the couch eating pizza.  Done.  No more justifying self medicating so I don't have to feel.  Done.  No more unhealthy self destructive behavior.  Done.

It's all about getting back into my good routines that make me happy rather than down on myself when I already have reason enough to feel a bit down as it is.

Things around this joint will only get out of control if I let them.  Uh, and my inner control freak sure as heck isn't going to let that happen.  If there is one thing in this world I can control it's ME!

Oh, gotta go... doorbell, my last pizza is here.  I'm typing this to post tomorrow. Nobody's perfect.

Single...that's what I am.

I know, "no duh brain child ....that's what happens when you find out the guy you loved has two or three separate lives."

It took a couple of weeks for my noggin to catch up with the reality that I am single. period.  This isn't the in-between time when we were working on putting things back together and neither my head nor my heart were unattached and truly single.

The reality sinking in wasn't a bad moment.  It just was.  I was in the car driving to meet Best Guy Friend for dinner and thinking about getting there early and slurping down one of my fav cocktails (French 75, drink it, love it, you won't regret it) and as I was visualising this tasty event I saw myself sitting in the bar.  A nice bar. With nice people.  Some of them men.    SS.... "YOU ARE SINGLE".

It's been about 3.5 years since I've been in this rodeo.  It wasn't a matter of wanting to flirt and talk to someone (would not be a good idea for him or me quite yet), but there was definitely that shift in my head. Good or bad, it's my new state of being.

Shit. I better start shaving my legs and stuff.

Today was a good day

This is what wasn't going on in my head today!

Nothing super special other than feeling normal!  Funny how good normal feels when you haven't been feeling like yourself.

Looking forward to an evening out at my favorite restaurant with my best guy friend.  I'll be the one there early sitting in the bar with a loverly French 75 in my hand. *aaaaaahhhh*  The simple pleasures.  Come join me...the more the merrier.  Cheers! 

(Oooooh, maybe I'll get some good people watching pics and actually write an entertaining blog post?)