WHY DIDN'T I KNOW ABOUT THE DEALS WEB SITES?!?

If you haven't checked them out .... do so ASAP.

I got turned on to two "deals" web sites that I'm loving. Of course a little pizzed that I missed out on two deals for things that I was buying anyway...one being the cooking class I just took! That's how I found out about it, one of the guys asked "Did you get this thru Groupon" ::crickets:: ::blank stare:: "Uh no... what is that?"  "Oh cool thanks.. good to know I could have done this for 1/2 the price"

Groupon.com

Every day they offer up a new "deal" for your respective area...good deals like 50% off restaurants and services and fun stuff! If enough people are interested and click to buy, the deal is "ON" and you get your groupon for the offer. If they don't get enough people then the deal is "OFF" and you aren't out anything.

LivingSocial.com

Very similar to Groupon, BUT if you buy a deal and three of your friends buy it as well yours is FREE! I love FREE. Can't beat that... planning a girls night? You buy a $30 restaurant certificate for $15 (great deal all by itself) then your girlfriends buy the same and yours is free.

If you follow this link and sign up for email notifications you get $5 coupon bucks to use toward your first purchase... and yes, I'd get $5 too once you make a purchase. I'm just sayin, if you are inclined to join the mailing list why not get $5?   Sign up for Living Social here and get $5!

Cake, 90th Birthdays, Cooking Class, Vday... and stuff

90...that's a lot of years under your belt

My beloved Granny turned 90 this week. I travled back home for a little celebration.

It involved a hummingbird cake and a bouquet of 90 roses.

I'm quite proud of myself for making this little beauty.

And after....

And my Auntie put together the amazing flowers...

(I really really hope I got some of those good Norwegian genes of hers)

Vday Swap

The Mrs. hosted a Valentines Day swap and my swap partner Miss TRBS over at Shepdogg sent me the most thoughful gift.  She took some pictures of my mom from my blog and put them together in a collage.  It was really touching.  Oooo... and I got one of those tubes that you microwave for sore neck & shoulders which is perfect since those get so tight on me with my work outs.  Thanks again!

Cooking Class

A one point my counselor said she'd really like to see me tap into my creative side.  You know, take some sort of class to get me out of my own analytical head space and try and switch some gears in my brain.  So what did I do?  I started thinking about school, GMAT tests, graduate programs and buying a condo.  Just about the opposite of creative.  BUT, I did eventually come up with something that I think fit the bill and was interesting to me. (local pottery class was already full *bummer*)  I signed up for a cooking class and it was this week.   Overal it was fun, but not quite as hands on as I was looking for.  I knew the format going in... "Cooking Party" vs. "Instructor Intensive" but it was even less hands on than I would have liked.   It made me kind of sad at one point becuase it was mostly couples and groups of couples taking  it together.  Reminded me of what I'm missing.  *great*

Stuff

I've been feeling pretty lost, loney, and unaccomplished lately.  I just can put my finger on what it will take for me to not feel this way anymore.  I'm trying to just live in the moment and enjoy my life.  I've had so much on my plate to deal with the last couple of years I feel like I've lost the ability to just live.  I feel like I need to be doing something BIG, accomplishing something, working on a grand goal, helping someone, even being in crisis mode. ( I know that last one sucks but it's how I've been operating a lot)

Every morning I wake up and tell myself that I'm choosing to be happy and joyful and living my life to the fullest for that day but it doesn't take long for all the worry and trying to get control takes over.

I really wanted to talk to The Ex and got a "ring twice then the call is gone" kind of deal from him on Wednesday night.   That sucks, not like I can just ring him back.  Haven't gotten a call, email or skype from him since.   I'm not feeling worried, this time it's all about me... I felt I needed to hear his voice.   He can still say a few words and clam me.

Stuff from the accident I was in this summer is starting to roll.  I had managed to kind of stuff it all away in the back of my head but now things are getting started it brings up unexpected feelings.  I know getting it all started means the end is closer but the reality of dealing with insturance companies and lawyers is just *bleh*.  I do feel better having an attorney, that means I don't have to talk to folks and try to deal with insurance companies myself but it's something I'd rather not be doing.  I guess the good part is that my insurance pays for him.

This is pretty much enough rambling on for now.  Back to work!

It's a sign...I'm telling you, it's a sign

On Friday I retracted the offer I had in on a condo.  When you are buying a condo you get a shit load of paperwork on the HOA and their financial positions, rules, regulations etc.  It's called their Resale Certificate.  It was almost 200 pages of eye crossing put you to sleep reading.

Me being me, I'm all into the details and did my due diligence and saw some stuff I don't like.  Particularly a 30% increase in the HOA dues and still not enough will be in their reserve funds to cover the maintenance that will be required in the next 2-3 years. (It's a late 70's building).  

So buy buy offer.  I was not comfortable with what I saw.

BUT BUT BUT...  here is where "the sign" comes in.

On the exact same day I took my other offer off the table, this unit came back on the market.  *yay me* They had an open house on Saturday so I went to take a look.   The issue with this one turns out to be some lack of storage.  The storage on thet deck is maybe 1/2 of what I have not and there is no storage in the laundry closet (just big enough for a stackable units) and only an ity bity coat closet.   In exchange for that lack of storage, I gain a 3/4 bath.   So some give & take and it would be a very sweet deal if I can get it down to the top of my price range.

Making an offer today. Wish me luck!

A hug from my mom

This last week I’ve been CRAVING physical contact with my mom. I’ve tried to connect in a spiritual/mental way, trying to hear her voice in my head and at times feeling that nothing short of being able to touch her will do. At times I almost felt in a panic knowing that I won’t ever be able to get that feeling again, to put my arms around her, to just have her there physically in front of me to touch and hear her laugh. It’s been too long, what if I forget how she feels? What if I forget the sound of her voice? I have a few recording of her. I wish I had saved ever voice mail she left me. I use to laugh listening to the answering machine or voice mail when she’d call back 4 times in a row to say things she forgot the first time. The messages would always start out the same and almost sounded like a re-mix, “Hey kiddo…. “ “Hey kiddo….” “Hey kiddo…” What I wouldn’t do to have those now.


The night before last I had a little breakdown, or it could be called a breakthrough of sorts. I’ve tried to talk to her on occasion but it often doesn’t feel natural. I don’t feel connected to the spirit that I’m trying to have the talk with. I know her spirit is with me always and I know it was her that saved my life as my guardian angel when I was in a really bad car accident this summer. ( I have a visual of her just split seconds before the accident fighting thru the separation between her new world and my world to protect her baby and shield me… she wasn’t a forceful person in general, but don’t mess with the Mama Bear!) Other than in a dream the night before her funeral (which was also my birthday) I’ve never been able to create that feeling of really talking to her. I’ve heard people tell stories of how things have happened and they know their loved one is there or how they hear a voice or feel something that lets them know that spirit is present. I want that. I’ve been trying and asking for that experience. Well, I had it. It wasn’t quite as strong or dramatic as I imagined it, but I felt her. I got a hug from my mom.

I was on the couch watching a woman on TV express how she had been holding on to regrets over things not said when her father passed. It was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Not because I relate to her having regrets, just the opposite. What a gift my mom gave me, she passed leaving me with no regrets. That is two sided, my actions played a part in that as well but she literally told me, “Do not have any regrets. I don’t want you to think you didn’t do enough or help enough”.

I sat on the couch crying and saying “Thank you. Thank you so much for giving that to me.” They were tears that didn’t come from sadness. It was emotion that I felt as overwhelming appreciation and thanks for that gift. As much as I’ve hurt, and sad as I still am that my mom is gone, thank god I don’t live with the burden of regret.

I continued to talk to her, I told her some of the things that I was feeling. With my eyes closed and covered with my hands, I cried and told her I missed her. I also told her I knew I was going to be just fine, but boy wouldn’t it be better if she were still here. I told her about how much fun my Granny and I were having when we spend time together. I even laughed thru my tears with some of the things I had to tell her. And then I got my hug. It’s hard to explain, it wasn’t like a real physical hug, I didn’t feel her arms around me. With my eyes closed and still flowing tears there was a visual of her. I could see me sitting on the couch and her face and somewhat of a form of an upper body where there in front of me. As her arms extended they kind of turned into a foggy mist that started over the top of my head and slowly cascaded down over my shoulders and enveloped me. As this was happening I felt the greatest release of tension in my body. I knew she was there and she was comforting me.

Randoms stuff in my head

1. I'm kind of disappointed that I haven't heard a word from the step dad over the last few months. I didn't really blog about it in detail, and I still might, but basically he has had a really hard time dealing with my mom's passing. In a nut shell, he isn't dealing with his grief at all and it turned him into someone I didn't know and I was the unfair target of his anger. It kind of came to a head this summer, well, and I haven't heard from him since August. I thought maybe my birthday he would reach out...nada. Thought maybe Christmas.....nada. Oh well, I just pray that he is getting the help he needs and live my life the best that I can.

Oh and FYI, yes, I've tried over and over since she passed to maintain the relationship only to get burned over and over so after long talks and some insight from my grief counselor it was suggested that for my own progress I needed to step back until he's able to get help or get past his anger.

2. Still waiting on my condo. I knew it was going to be a wait and I'm doing OK with that... but of course I'm getting ants in my pants. Last night I found myself browsing the isles of Big Box Home Improvement Store just to get ideas and see how much some things would cost to upgrade & replace. It was AWESOME! I'm thinking I may have to ditch the whole accounting thing and become a contractor. We shall see how I feel about that when I actually have my own home to maintain.

3. The guy situation.  He really seems to be trying to win me back, even from afar. Last week I got a super exciting gift from him. This gift may just involve me spending this coming Saturday at an amazing day spa up the the mountains. This general location also happens to be one of "our" spots.... one of our fist dates, return visits for romantic getaways and hikes in the woods. I am so looking forward to the day of pampering I can hardly stand myself. He sure knows the way to this woman's heart is thru the spa! lol. I'm only 1/2 kidding, I know there is more to this than being wooed by amazing thoughtful gifts from 1/2 around the world.... but I'm sure not going to turn it down.

4. The Mrs just sent out her Valentine Swap partners and I'm really excited. I participated in her Christmas swap and it was a lot of fun. To me, it's so interesting to see what someone you only "know" thru a blog come up.

5. I have some good stuff to look forward to. My most awesome bestest cutest funnies Granny is turning 90 next month! Sheesh that's old! I'll be heading over to the other side of the state to celebrate with her and the rest of the fam. I'm about due for another dose of good family time. You know, those people that totally get my sarcasm (because they are the cause of it!), know my history and where I'm coming from. Dysfunctional as we can be, these people have got my back and I love them.

6. I love Skype.

7. I have written about my fitness goals for awhile. That’s because I had some bumps in the road, lost ½ of my previous progress, two months of maintaining only over the holidays (but good god, with all the cookies I ate it’s a miracle that I managed to offset that with the exercise), but this last week I finally put my heart and soul into it and I made progress!! Lost 2.8lbs but better than that my measurements changed and I’m back to the same lean muscle mass that I was in August and within half a pound of being at that same weight again too. I don’t have a lot to lose, but round about 12 lbs to get to my comfortable weight and a size where I’m fitting into all my clothes again. *whew*


Bring it on 2010. I feel in a generally good mental state to tackle some of the challenges I know I have coming up…. I’m prepared. I will prevail. I will be living the best life that I can.

To forget... or not to forget?

Is my mind playing a trick on me or am I ready to let go of a past hurt?

The Ex and I have slipped into what feels like our old relationship flow. As much of a flow as there can be with him being deployed, but since the majority of our relationship has been apart this feels pretty normal for us.

I knew we'd be in contact while he was deployed, we did leave it as "friends" after all.  This is feeling a lot different than friends. It feels like we're partners again. He's looking after me even from the other side of the globe, we're sharing the sweet nothings and tenderness that certainly isn't something I do with "friends", to the best of his ability he is letting me know if there are going to be communication issues and then checks back in as soon and as often as he can. THIS is the man I loved, not the man that broke my heart. It’s a bit twisted that it is happening now that he is deployed, but I feel like he’s putting in the effort to “prove it” to me…. that is the feeling I had been trying to get all summer/fall.

It's so easy for me to get wrapped up in this and feel like all is OK and back to what it was before our difficulties hit last spring. Is that just a trick my mind is playing or is it OK for me to let go of that hurt from the past and just be OK with this? Am I creating a situation in my head that doesn't really exist because that is less painful than dealing with reality? Or am I at that point that I've worked thru my feelings and can finally let the hurt go and take him back as he's been asking? Is this the bolt of lightning/slap in the face/sign in the clouds that I've been waiting for? Could the sign really be as simple as me feeling content?

You know, right or wrong, good or bad choice, for now I’m OK with not feeling so damn heartbroken and hurt.

The Waiting Game

Patience is a virtue.... good things come to those who wait...blah blah blah.

Therefore I am short one important virtue.

2010 is starting off as a waiting game for moi.

- Waiting for my first care packages to hit their target (check this one off, mission complete)
- Waiting on answers regarding my condo purchase
- Waiting on police departments and insurance companies so I can put an accident from this summer behind me
- Waiting for me to get off my duff and update my blog layout (how many months ago was October?)
- Waiting for a lighten bolt, slap in the face, name written in the clouds, something to help me make some big decisions already.

OK, so two of the 4 open items are actually waiting for me to take action.  Hmmmmm....so not only am I lacking the virtue of patience, I'm also a procrastinator.   How the hell do those two wide up in the same personality.  Talk about a life long conflict.

"How much human life is lost in waiting?" Ralph Waldo Emerson

“We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” Joseph Campbell