Before.....

12 hour to no glasses

Big week.... new eyes, new me & vacation!

I'm baaaaccck.....  

Although I wasn't physically missing, what I feel is the real me has been on hiatus for the past three years or so.  I finally finally finally feel like myself again!  It's been a struggle and some hard work on my part but I feel like I've escaped the grasp of that Nasty Grief Monster and for the first time in about three years I feel like me.  I'm LIVING my life again.... not just going thru the motions and it never felt so good.

Grief is a really odd thing.  The impact it has on a person and the process over time is different for everyone.  Even having educated myself as much as possible on the whole process, there were times that it was hard to recognize.  Yeah, I was feeling blue and not really engaged in my life and with my friends, but I wasn't sitting and specifically thinking "I miss my mom."   It had developed into a more general cloud of blah that would come in and hang around for a couple months at a time, blow over, and come back again.

I know it can still come an go.  For today, this month and this moment I am in full on celebration of feeling like SS once again!!  I've missed her, I love her, I'm so happy to have her back. *hugs myself*

So the big week thing... I'm getting new eyes!

Thursday AM I go in for LASIK.  *blink blnk*  I had to start today with my "no makeup" for three days before surgery, I'm getting in three hard work outs because "no sports" for a week post surgery (and no makeup too).  I've officially gone from nervous to so excited to get it done!  I was out playing in the sun a lot this weekend... paddling around a big lake and the local arboretum, sitting on a dock watching the boats pour thru "the cut" from one lake to another.... and happily telling my Rx sunglasses it doesn't matter if you get covered with spray on sunscreen because this week you are going in the garbage!!

And the other big thing.. VACATION BOOKED!

December vacation with "The Ex" who really isn't so much of an Ex anymore is a done deal.  Frantic planning with limited phone calls & skype are complete, tickets booked, vacation time is a go.  One small detail left.  I have to inform my family that I will not be home for the Christmas holidays.  They will be happy for me, but also a little bummed that I won't be there.  I got the umpteenth degree from my Granny back when I went on my first vacation with TheExNotEx.  She knows he and I have maintained contact, but I can only imagine the questions I'm going to get regarding my three week, 20,000mile, two continent, three country December adventure with him.  Well, and the sweet thing doesn't have the best short term memory these days so she will probably ask the same question about 5 times every 30 minutes.

Anywho... he has been doing a really good job (what he can considering the circumstances) giving me the follow thru and commitment that I need to help rebuild things.

Now I can finally start getting excited and looking forward to this trip, because, hot damn... it's ON!

Meeting other bloggers... is there a creep factor?

So here is a question for other bloggers...and I'm talking about other bloggers that have lots of followers rather than the random venting kind of bloggers like me. :-)

Have you ever had someone recognize you from your blog and approach you to say "Hi, aren't you so-n-so from blah-zah-blah blog?"

Is it or would it be creepy to you?

Oh and another thing....

Lets say you are an anonymous blogger and people in your real life, including your significant other, don't know you blog.  Then lest say you were going to be in a town where or even possibly moving to a town where some of these other bloggers live and it might be very helpful for you to make contract with them. But, uh, how would you explain to significant other how you know this person? (oh yes, and the significant other would think it is super weirdo to be meeting people online like this and would probably be more than a little freaked out about it) 


Just thinking out loud in case that's ever a possibility.

5k #2

32 min! 4 better than last time. *smile*. A picture of me right now would show vasodilation at it's finest.

Sent from my iPhone

No news is good news!

I'm taking my lack of needing to blog as a good sign, I tend to do it more when I'm venting or feeling a bit troubled.

So yay!  Nothing much to post about other than me feeling like I'm in a pretty happy place right now.

I've been reminded that I'm much more balanced and happy when I'm being active.  Keeping up with some of my fitness goals; playing tennis, golf, some camping trips, and have my 2nd 5k coming up in two weeks.  One of the big gym goals I had set for myself was push ups... regular old "non girly" push ups.  Something that I've never really be able to do in the past.  My goal for the end of the month was 10, but when I did a test last week I knocked out 6 so I know that 10 by the end of next week should not be an issue.

I'm also actually contemplating on putting up some before and after photos from the beginning of June until now but I scare myself even looking at them, let alone releasing all this non-tanned cellulite to the world.  Would it even be helpful to me to put myself out there like that? 

A little excited and nervous at the same time about this on; I'm going in for a pre LASIK evaluation next week.  Would be cool to not have to mess around with glasses, but I'd be dropping pretty much all of my vacation & fun stash on this.

I'm having lots of nervous feelings again regarding upcoming vacation plans with The Ex.  We are talking about holidays and when I can take vacation time, how much time etc.  Hell, why shouldn't I feel nervous given the patter and the chance I've decided to take once again.  This is the point where I'm afraid I'll get excited and start looking forward to things with him and I'm going to be left to fall flat on my face and wallow in disappointment. I'm not talking about the Army changing things, I'm talking about him changing things.  I'll be more relieved when we are able to book tickets, but if it goes thru this will be quite the grand adventure with me racking up 15,000 plus air miles and having a vacation and holidays kind of all across the world.  Deep breath. *woo saaaaw*

Mmmm... my low cal "Lake Punch"

I'm so sprung on my concoction I wanted to share.

I'm probably not the first to do this, but it was new to me and I'm craving it....alcohol or not!

Trying to watch the calories, I made my own little "Lake Punch".  For those of you than can drink and do like diet drinks this is awesome.

Vodka
over ice
a sprinkle of Crystal Light Fruit Punch
Fill with Sprite Zero
Top off with one thick slice of lemon, squeezed and thrown it in to float.

Talk about refreshing... and it's one of those "sneaker" alcohol drinks because really, you can't tell there is any in there until you are working on drink #3. *hiccup*

Half-commitment

I haven't been very bloggy lately.   I'm not in a venting mood, I've retreated into my own head space to really think some things thru.

Decision time

I decided to stop wrestling with myself and made a somewhat commitment to the Ex.  I haven't been dating, just didn't feel like it... too busy working on me both physically and mentally.  I was driving myself nuts wrestling between my heart and my head and trying to decide if I cut off from him completely and move on or stay open to trying to fix things between us. The in between limbo was sucking up so much of my energy I was seriously torturing myself on a daily basis.   I knew that I was in no way shape or form ready to cut off communication with him or give up on the hope that this really is what I thought I was going to be, so I went the other direction and let my heart decide.  I told him I am in and willing to wait and see if things can be fixed when he gets back.    It was a relief to put aside the internal struggle.  

He is deployed and that makes me really wonder his motivation; Am I just safe and familiar to him and it's the circumstances that is making him say these things?    We shall see.  He will be given the opportunity to put his money where his mouth is and prove thru consistent positive actions over time.  That's what I've been drilling into his head like he's a 5 year old... any time he asks what he can do to fix things that is my answer, "consistent positive actions over time".   It is fortunate that he's in a position with fairly consistent daily access to communications, supplemented with weekly skype sessions, we've talked more  and more honestly (or I should say I've been no holds barred honest about my feelings) about us and the situation than we ever did in the time before he was deployed.

My hurt is not gone, it will take time and effort to undo this last year and get me to that comfortable place again and he knows this.   My making the decision to be open to it,  I've made the commitment to myself to start letting go of the hurt.  I was holding on to it like it was a security blanket.  Who wants that kind of shit for a security blanket?   I was starting to feel that I was placing myself in a victim role and that is no good.  I do have control over what I accept and what I won't, this isn't just happening to me.  It's my choice and I'm choosing to try and heal and see if there is a new start in the future.   He has work to do, and I do too.

That decision is made.  I'm owning it, and will deal with the outcome good or bad when it comes.

Good stuff

I've been working really hard at some physical goals.  I've signed up for another 5k that happens in about 3 weeks and have set some goals for changing up my body composition, aka: reduce body fat.  I like goals.  Goals and working toward them ends in me feeling accomplished and I need that.

By the end of the month I hope to have reduced my body fat by 6%, shave another 30 seconds off of my fitness test, and do 10 "real" push ups.

Much needed family time is coming this weekend too.  Heading over the mountains to the other side of the state for a good dose of Granny time.  That little 90 year old wig wearing, Costco shopping, card playing, veggie growing lady does wonders for my soul!