So 6 weeks until my 5k and I sadly haven't trained at all. I've been sick with some gunk in my chest and when I attemped to run on Monday I was coughing so hard I not only came close to choking on my own phlem, I also pretty much peed my pants. That is aweome. *heh*
Now the powers of Google had lead me to a couple of training plans for "5k in 6 weeks" and I'm going to give a shot at it again this evening.
Wish me and my depends luck!
A couple of years ago I made it my goal to be able to jog around my favorite park trail. It's 2.8 miles around the little lake and as I'd walk I think "man, if I could ever jog around here it would be great". I started with super baby steps, inside on the treadmill away from as many viewers as possible. At that point, I couldn't have even done a solid mile. I eventually did get to the point of being able to jog around that lake...twice... like twice total, not twice around all at once...and felt like I was going to puke at the end but I did it. I am so not a runner. I'm not sure my body is built for that, but heck, it kicked off the last 10lbs I had to lose and was a challenge that I conquered!
Two years later and I can still do a mile plus and not die, but really lost the progress that I had made.
I promised myself that this year I was going to the Komen Race for the Cure 5k instead of the walk. *gasp* Now we are 8 weeks away and I haven't done shit to get ready for it so I'm trying the couch potato to 5k route. I don't have the full 9 weeks but looked at the program and I think I'm far beyond week one so OK to skip it.
I found that they have a super little app for my iphone that will give me audio cues over top of my own selected music and track my work outs.
So here we go with week 2 of the program:
3 times; alternate 90 seconds of jogging with 2 minutes of walking for 20 mins.
I feel like this will be fairly simple, I'll have to get in one day while I'm out of town visiting the Best Grandma in the World.
Here I go... Run! SS Run!
My First Bacon
Therapy.
Not grief counseling...not help after a tragic accident...not help dealing with a grieving dad...
Therapy. For my other "issues".
I never expected for grief counseling to turn into this but I'm taking a step to figure out some stuffs about myself. Things that I actually started to realize or think about after reading another blog.
I want to figure out why I beat myself up so much for being and doing things less than perfect. In theory I know I'm not perfect, don't really expect anyone to be perfect...so why can't I just enjoy what I do and my accomplishments without thinking "Oh well but I should have done this too." I can't even enjoy down time because I'm always thinking "I should be at the gym" or "I should be doing blah blah blah instead" There is always something I should be, should have, could have done or be doing to squash my happy feelings. It's not 100% of the time that I do this, but a great deal of the time.
It appears that I'm my own biggest obstacle to enjoying my life and having the happiness that I desire.
Why do I do that?
I made an appointment with my counselor, and that's what I'm going to do my best to find out. I'm a little afraid to find out I'm more broken than I even imagined.
Yesterday my plane tickets were taking me to the Heartland.
Today I'm feeling more Tropical Island!
Of course it's a long story, the short story:
An early R&R had me heading to the Heartland next week to spend time with the Ex. I don't know why I kept expecting any different, but to keep it short I will just say I believed his words (with just enough action to back it up) and was yet again setting myself up for disappointment.
This time is different. It's hard to admit it. It hurts to admit it. This relationship is just flat out over. I knew it all along deep down inside but it was just to painful to deal with the truth. It was also too hard to admit that I had been a fool for love. I let myself get strung along. It was hard for me to understand how someone that I loved could do that and even harder to admit that I didn't stand up for myself and let it happen.
The turmoil is over
I don't know why I fought against what I knew deep down inside all year long. Maybe it was because I couldn't stand the thought of losing yet something else in my life. I was clinging to the idea of what I thought I had and the life I had been building with this man.
I've been here before. This is a pattern, me hanging on even when I know it's not right. This will be something to explore with my counselor. I want to know why I do this and how to change it. I thought I was already there but I'm obviously not.
Here is the kicker
This is exactly where I was last year. Yes, this same time last year I had booked a last minute "graduation" trip for myself to a Tropical Pacific Island as a "this is the kind of thing I don't do, have never done, but I'm doing it!" kind of move.
This year, well, I'm a year older and could feel like I've wasted a year but instead I'm thinking of it as an opportunity for a re-do. Last year when I had this spark and feeling of starting off on something new in my life the something new turned out to be a heartbreaking break up, a horrific auto accident, and a dissolving of the relationship with my dad.
It really hit me last night and I'm kind of stuck on this thought. A year gone by and I really am back in the same place. Like a groundhog year.
This year I am in a different place. I've learned a lot. I've healed somewhat. This year I get a big fat DO OVER on the new me. How often do you get this? I feel like the man above is saying, "OK, SS, I watched you struggle... let's try this again."
So....anywho...
Two days to go and Aloha! Peace out.
