Wow. I had a blog?

So yeah, looking at the dates it's been over a year and a half since I was a blogger.   Yet another new adventure and life changing event has me turning to the internet to find others that are in my same situation and have decided to share their experiences.

I feel as if I've been thru a whole lifetime of life changes in the last two years.

Current blog worthy and blog searching adventure:  Stepmom

I do believe I need to start reading the blogs again and may just start writing one again for this doozie of a title that I have taken on.

Off to catch up on the blogs I use to read and see what new ones I can discover!  Can't wait to see what y'all been up to.

- The NotSoWicked Stepmother

New Adventures in Dating: #1 Testing The Waters

And by new adventure I mean my first-1st date in 3.5 years. 

I gently dipped the very tippy of my toe in the water and I wasn't gobbled up by a shark.  I consider that a success.

Nice dinner at a cozy table by a big fireplace, easy conversation with a really interesting man, appropriate amount of compliments without going overboard, a hug and kiss on the cheek, text message to check and make sure I made it home safely, and laid the foundation for another date next week.

Those really are the juicy details.... and just fine with me (for now!).  I didn't want something intense that would scare me off or freak me out. 

I don't know if it's associated with going on a date and trying to get back in the game but I've had a lot of memories and what not pop up and occupy my mind this week.   It's odd, in a good way.  It hasn't been swooning or feelings of still being in love with the man it's been sadness over the loss of the relationship moments.    I think because of the circumstances of the split the "in love" part disappeared pretty damn fast. And if I'm going to be completely honest with myself those feelings had started to change before I even found out about "the BS".

*still licking my wounds*

The Blahs Have Taken A Vacation

1.  I would rather feel ups and downs than flatline blah....any day, all day, every day.  Feeling means I can release emotions and move on.  Feeling means that I get to enjoy the really good times too! 

2. Good weekend: Reclaiming run #2 at my favorite park under my belt.

3. Picked up some great gear at 50% end of the season sale.

4. Whistler here I come!  We booked a girls snowboard weekend for next month.

Foreshadowing?

5. It was a guy magnet weekend.  Just about everywhere I went randoms were wanting to talk to me... nothing wrong with that, it was just a noticeable influx.  And I was open to it, maybe that's the difference.  I've been accused of not noticing how much guys notice me.

6. Talked to an interesting guy.  He asked & I gave him my number.  He asked me out.  I'm going. *little nervous*

7. Working on my initial post for my Strong Is The New Skinny Body Transformation Challenge  Check it out, looks like fun and motivation!  They are on facebook as well. You can make it whatever you want.

That's all folk!

Blog: Get in where you fit in?

I don't know where I fit in.

When I first started reading blogs (and eventually having my own) I was trying to get an idea of the path my life was headed.  My mom has just passed away and I was in love with a soldier who had just finished medical school and we were talking about our future.   "What in the world am I getting in to?"  *voila* Blogs!  Blogs by women who were married to or dating men in the military, the very first I read was a woman who was married to not only a solider but a physician in the same stage of his career as my ex-love, and *wow* here is a woman who not only loved a soldier she recently lost a parent.  I absorbed every tale they told.  What great insight and information I collected from these blogs.  I couldn't believe I found women who had such similar experiences.  I could related.  More importantly they could relate to me.  I felt I fit in with this group of women bloggers that I had discovered. 

Time and life move on... relationship ups and downs, my soldier deployed and I could read and learn more from this great community who had been there and done that.

And here we are today.  The relationship did a total dramatic and very unpleasant crash and burn. (I was bamboozled)

Where do I fit in with this whole blog thing?  I know I'm not a writer and this isn't a place folks check in to see what witty tale I'm going to share today.  I'm not a photographer to post amazing photos of my adventures.  I'm not a mom.  I'm no longer attached to anything related to loving a man in the military. I don't have a business to promote.  I'm not a fitness goddess.

But damn it, I just want to feel like I fit.  Even if it's only 3 people that read and comment I've grown to like that feeling of connection to a whole new group of people and I'm not really sure I have that so much anymore. 

Who knew a blog could make me feel so emotional?  I'm sure it has nothing to do with PMS or having a broken heart. *pft whatevh*

PYHO: My Mom

Sometimes I feel like all I do here is pour my heart out about something or other.  I'm not one of those nifty words of wisdom, witty life story, mass appeal kind of bloggers.  I started this as a place to vent and say things that I might not normally get out otherwise.

As I've shared in other posts, I lost my mom to breast cancer in Oct of 2007.  I started blogging after she was gone and as I was just getting started in really dealing with my grief.  Working thru that loss has impacted a lot of the events in my life since she has passed.  I don't know that I ever got super solid footing after her passing so with each new shitty event that's popped up there is some of that grief tangled in the mix. 

Here is the pour.....

Cleaning out some old emails (ridding myself of electronic reminders of the Biggest Azzhole in the World) and I came across this email exchange with a dear friend of mine.  Reading this hit me like a ton of bricks.  Anyway...thought I would share this as a prequel to anything I've posted here about my dealing with the grief.  I know so many others have been thru it.

This is kind of long, but important I think to have all of it.  Written about 3 weeks before we lost her.

ME:

Can I say something out loud to you w/o it coming across as a totally negative outlook?

Awesome Friend:
eeek! ok...(nervous)

ME:

My mom is dying. It makes me sad.

I've never really said that like that out loud.

It is overwhelming to think about in those terms so I try to kind of not deal with the reality too often, but feel like I had to acknowledge it. Say it. Let it out. I feel like I'm not suppose to think in those terms or say something like that.
Don't worry about me in a scary way, I'm just going thru the process of the whole thing. Lor gave me info on her counseling office and her therapist marked which names would be good for bereavement counseling so I'm set when/if needed.


Awesome Friend:
S. I have tears on my face as I write this. I am so grateful that you could feel comfortable in saying this to me.
I have been really concerned about your mom, ever since I heard that the cancer had started to spread to her organs. This is what happened to my dear Aunt P, who I cared for in her last days. I actually talked to our other girls, giving them a heads up that times were going to start becoming more difficult, so that we all could be ready to support you in the most love we could give.

S, you have been so so very brave and graceful through this process. I think that acknowledging this part of the cycle of her illness will allow you to even more draw closer to her by knowing time is short and that every moment is dear, as well as to help yourself in your own process by coming to terms with truth: The truth of the mortality of your mom and of ALL people. It just boggles my mind to even contemplate that kind of potential for loss. Recognising and accepting what *is*, as you are doing, won't make the process easier, but it will make it more honest in working through things as you go.

Also in acting as a support for your mom, she will need to be able to tell you things that are important to her regarding how she wants to see things in the family or procedures or WHATEVER after she is gone, and for you to HEAR those things and assure her that her wishes will be fulfilled is immensely important to her, as you can imagine. If we get wrapped up in, "No, no, don't talk that way" I think it can cause the person dying to feel uneasy.

I am so glad to hear that you are open to finding a councilor who is professionally trained in grief. But the process of grief doesn't start at death, you are already grieving for your mother's health as we speak. I suggest starting as soon as you can. <3

I think I am going to really try to budget tight and see if I can make a trip up to Seattle in October, so I can give you a trillion hugs in person.

Has the doctor talked about a prognosis time frame?
I love you.

ME:
L... I sound like a broken record when I say this but I will keep saying it because I want you (all of you) to know how much it means to me to such an amazing group of women as my circle of support. The friendship that the 4 of us share is timeless and amazing and will follow us all through the happy and sad of life. I have a hard enough time expressing my feelings in word form, so I know I will never be able to really explain what it means to me to have you and the girls in my life. Not that I didn't already cherish our friendship, but I don't know if I really understood the depth of or my reliance on our friendship until my mom got sick. It might really have been the first time in my life that I allowed myself to be so vulnerable and open and admit that I needed to lean on some shoulders to help me get through something. This truly has been the hardest thing I've ever been thru and I don't know what I would have done without you and your support.

I know, and have known, what the diagnosis and progression mean and what it is leading up to. I've often felt that if I say it out like that in such certain terms that people would accuse me of not having hope or not being positive. That really isn't the case. Of course I have hope and try to stay as positive as possible. If I didn't, I wouldn't be able to function on a daily basis. But I also know the medical reality and can't live in denial or I would be much worse off in the long run.

You sure are right, nobody wants to hear someone they love talk like that... in terms of them preparing for their departure. I've mustered all the strength I can to face those conversations with my mom and not break down, to listen to what she needs to say even though it's not what I want to hear. It was a little more shocking at first, but I've had a year and a half (hard to believe it's been that long that she has been sick) to get use to her talking like that. At first, it seem way far fetched and easy to dismiss it all as being in vane. Not so much now, now I'm wanting to have those conversations and sit and write things down so I'll be prepared. She's doing it with my dad as well, but I know I'll have to kick in and help him... he's not much of a detail person!

I just spoke to her right before I got your email. I had called to check in for the afternoon. I asked if she had had any recent liver function tests and she hasn't. She will most likely have one on Tuesday so we will have a better idea of what's going on there. Her breathing isn't getting any better, my dad said she is only at about 50% lung capacity but her the oxygen levels in her blood are normal so she's find there. I did notice, and she also mentioned to me, that her lower ab. is becoming a bit distended. That's most likely her liver enlarging from the tumors. She also told me that when Dr. Crossland helped my dad with his FMLA paperwork, she gave him a 3-6 month time frame to list on the paperwork, so it has shortened a bit from the previous 6-12 month prognosis. I don't know if it is because he is a bit of a pessimist, but when I was over there on Monday night my dad and I had a talk and he wants me to be prepared. He didn't want to scare me, but wanted me to make informed decisions about the time I spend with my mom etc. He said he would be surprised if she makes it into the new year, and we'd be blessed to have her for Christmas. If my mom has anything to do with it she will make it past the new year... she wants Step Dad to be able to file federal income tax one more year with her as a deduction. LMAO... that's my mom for ya!

Gosh, anyway, rambling on... I just really want to say thank you. thank you. thank you. I know you've sometimes said that you feel you feel helpless because you aren't here. Don't feel that way at all, you make a huge difference in my life physically in the area or not. I love you like a fat kid loves cake!

And there is is.. poured out.

She Ran Forrest.... She Ran!!!

MY mountains, USA.

And I wasn't running from anything... I did it for the sake of getting some exercise!

It's been about 2 months 1.5 weeks since I've been out running and then it was thru the streets of a town in a foreign country.   Boy what a different two months can make, huh?

The setting felt so familiar as my last few runs. There was so so so much similar at first I wanted to retreat;  The weather was chilly (40ish), same cold weather gear on, backdrop of snow covered mountains behind the city.. But wait, I'm HOME.  This is MY turf, MY favorite park, MY familiar mountains!  I wasn't going for performance ( *heh* that was funny, me.. running...performance) I just needed to get out and do it and it felt great.

I was reprogrammed.

I am home. I felt much more grounded and focused back on my home turf and the present.  My head has been just about everywhere but in the present since I've been back.  It felt good to be in the moment and feeling settled at home. Finally.

I'm going to attribute it to not only the run on Sunday, but the whole weekend I was busy doing things that had absolutely no Ex associated memories.  I was doing things that were just me and nothing he and I had ever done together.  Out at an Irish pub drinking beer and eating corned beef & cabbage and hanging with new friends and a day up snowboarding.  All new memories.  All me baby!

Pour Your Heart Out: I'm Lost

I'm afraid to admit this because it is contrary to a lot of the words I would use to describe myself.  I think I'm a resilient, strong, intelligent, independent woman.  I've got my life together, got my education, have a job, have pocket change, and it looks like I'm doing OK.

I feel like a lost little child with nobody to guide me.

I don't feel like I've fully learned how to do things for ME.   Follow MY dreams.   To please ME.  To be proud of MYSELF.

Why can't I motivate myself to do things for just me?  Why do I feel so stuck without external motivation?  Why do I need to be trying to make someone else proud and get their praise as motivation to do anything?

Yes, finishing my degree was important to me and I was proud of myself but honestly my main motivation was making my mom and my family proud of me. With out that, I don't know that I would have ever finished.

Yes, I accomplished some big fitness and health goals and it made me feel good but what motivated me to take it to the next level was to show someone else what I could do.  Fitness was important to them and although it was awesome to see what I could push myself to do, if I didn't have that other external source of motivation and receiving the praise from someone for my accomplishment... I don't think I would have done it.  I wouldn't have done it simple for ME and to make ME proud.

This has all happened fairly quickly.  Over the last 3.5 years I no longer have parents to please, I no longer have a partner as a source of motivation and making me "want to be a better woman".  Nobody to look to for that external praise that makes me want to do more and do better and I don't know what to do with myself.

I'm great at taking a supporting roll.  I actually like that, it's what I do well and I get satisfaction out of it but here I am having just lost that roll.  The future I saw with my Ex and my roll in that future was what made me feel grounded and useful.  I had a purpose.

Now I have nothing stopping me from doing whatever I want.  And I don't know what to do with myself. 

I am afraid I'm going to do nothing.