She Ran Forrest.... She Ran!!!

MY mountains, USA.

And I wasn't running from anything... I did it for the sake of getting some exercise!

It's been about 2 months 1.5 weeks since I've been out running and then it was thru the streets of a town in a foreign country.   Boy what a different two months can make, huh?

The setting felt so familiar as my last few runs. There was so so so much similar at first I wanted to retreat;  The weather was chilly (40ish), same cold weather gear on, backdrop of snow covered mountains behind the city.. But wait, I'm HOME.  This is MY turf, MY favorite park, MY familiar mountains!  I wasn't going for performance ( *heh* that was funny, me.. running...performance) I just needed to get out and do it and it felt great.

I was reprogrammed.

I am home. I felt much more grounded and focused back on my home turf and the present.  My head has been just about everywhere but in the present since I've been back.  It felt good to be in the moment and feeling settled at home. Finally.

I'm going to attribute it to not only the run on Sunday, but the whole weekend I was busy doing things that had absolutely no Ex associated memories.  I was doing things that were just me and nothing he and I had ever done together.  Out at an Irish pub drinking beer and eating corned beef & cabbage and hanging with new friends and a day up snowboarding.  All new memories.  All me baby!

Pour Your Heart Out: I'm Lost

I'm afraid to admit this because it is contrary to a lot of the words I would use to describe myself.  I think I'm a resilient, strong, intelligent, independent woman.  I've got my life together, got my education, have a job, have pocket change, and it looks like I'm doing OK.

I feel like a lost little child with nobody to guide me.

I don't feel like I've fully learned how to do things for ME.   Follow MY dreams.   To please ME.  To be proud of MYSELF.

Why can't I motivate myself to do things for just me?  Why do I feel so stuck without external motivation?  Why do I need to be trying to make someone else proud and get their praise as motivation to do anything?

Yes, finishing my degree was important to me and I was proud of myself but honestly my main motivation was making my mom and my family proud of me. With out that, I don't know that I would have ever finished.

Yes, I accomplished some big fitness and health goals and it made me feel good but what motivated me to take it to the next level was to show someone else what I could do.  Fitness was important to them and although it was awesome to see what I could push myself to do, if I didn't have that other external source of motivation and receiving the praise from someone for my accomplishment... I don't think I would have done it.  I wouldn't have done it simple for ME and to make ME proud.

This has all happened fairly quickly.  Over the last 3.5 years I no longer have parents to please, I no longer have a partner as a source of motivation and making me "want to be a better woman".  Nobody to look to for that external praise that makes me want to do more and do better and I don't know what to do with myself.

I'm great at taking a supporting roll.  I actually like that, it's what I do well and I get satisfaction out of it but here I am having just lost that roll.  The future I saw with my Ex and my roll in that future was what made me feel grounded and useful.  I had a purpose.

Now I have nothing stopping me from doing whatever I want.  And I don't know what to do with myself. 

I am afraid I'm going to do nothing.

Candidates for T-shirt of the Month

Here are the front runners.




When people ask me how I was able to control myself and get thru the last few hours after I found out my Ex was a Tiger Wood wanna be... this says it all.



Coinstar iTunes Bonus!

Just a little something to share that isn't my anger or talking about my bad eating habits.

I love getting every little bit extra I can... I'm a total deal whore to Groupon, LivingSocial, etc etc etc. (FYI... you can buy a restaurant.com gift card on ebay for a couple of dollars and end up dining out for barely more than tax and tip!)

I also have a huge bowl of spare change that sits around until I get one of these sweet little email offers from Coinstar and thought I would share.

Cash in $40 of loose change for an iTunes card and get an additional $10 bonus!

Anger Never Felt So Good!

I got angry...angrY.... angRY.... anGRY..... aNGRY....ANGRY!!!

Al-leh-lu-yer!

I don't get angry enough when I should. I stuff it.  I stuff it with pizza. I cover it with gravy and smother it with ice cream.

Yes, I've been pissed off and angry over the BS with my ex but up until now I hadn't gotten yelling, crying, kick in the door, throw the cushions, knock things off the table,  get it all out, honest to god angry.

It came out of nowhere.  Started with tears, well I cry for just about every emotion so tears were a part of the whole process, progressed to me yelling in the car, kept going into an almost uncontrollable urge for my legs to move with speed and power and kick something. (that was interesting considering I was in the car) I was trying to calculate the cost of a new interior door and wondering if it was worth the cost to go there.

I was physically fucking pissed the fuck off.

And then I felt relaxed and full of energy.  I might have even jumped up in the air and given a little *woot woot* because, damn, getting angry never felt so good!  I bet bet that cat is taking a nice nap now in front of the fire.... good call.