No news is good news!

I'm taking my lack of needing to blog as a good sign, I tend to do it more when I'm venting or feeling a bit troubled.

So yay!  Nothing much to post about other than me feeling like I'm in a pretty happy place right now.

I've been reminded that I'm much more balanced and happy when I'm being active.  Keeping up with some of my fitness goals; playing tennis, golf, some camping trips, and have my 2nd 5k coming up in two weeks.  One of the big gym goals I had set for myself was push ups... regular old "non girly" push ups.  Something that I've never really be able to do in the past.  My goal for the end of the month was 10, but when I did a test last week I knocked out 6 so I know that 10 by the end of next week should not be an issue.

I'm also actually contemplating on putting up some before and after photos from the beginning of June until now but I scare myself even looking at them, let alone releasing all this non-tanned cellulite to the world.  Would it even be helpful to me to put myself out there like that? 

A little excited and nervous at the same time about this on; I'm going in for a pre LASIK evaluation next week.  Would be cool to not have to mess around with glasses, but I'd be dropping pretty much all of my vacation & fun stash on this.

I'm having lots of nervous feelings again regarding upcoming vacation plans with The Ex.  We are talking about holidays and when I can take vacation time, how much time etc.  Hell, why shouldn't I feel nervous given the patter and the chance I've decided to take once again.  This is the point where I'm afraid I'll get excited and start looking forward to things with him and I'm going to be left to fall flat on my face and wallow in disappointment. I'm not talking about the Army changing things, I'm talking about him changing things.  I'll be more relieved when we are able to book tickets, but if it goes thru this will be quite the grand adventure with me racking up 15,000 plus air miles and having a vacation and holidays kind of all across the world.  Deep breath. *woo saaaaw*

Mmmm... my low cal "Lake Punch"

I'm so sprung on my concoction I wanted to share.

I'm probably not the first to do this, but it was new to me and I'm craving it....alcohol or not!

Trying to watch the calories, I made my own little "Lake Punch".  For those of you than can drink and do like diet drinks this is awesome.

Vodka
over ice
a sprinkle of Crystal Light Fruit Punch
Fill with Sprite Zero
Top off with one thick slice of lemon, squeezed and thrown it in to float.

Talk about refreshing... and it's one of those "sneaker" alcohol drinks because really, you can't tell there is any in there until you are working on drink #3. *hiccup*

Half-commitment

I haven't been very bloggy lately.   I'm not in a venting mood, I've retreated into my own head space to really think some things thru.

Decision time

I decided to stop wrestling with myself and made a somewhat commitment to the Ex.  I haven't been dating, just didn't feel like it... too busy working on me both physically and mentally.  I was driving myself nuts wrestling between my heart and my head and trying to decide if I cut off from him completely and move on or stay open to trying to fix things between us. The in between limbo was sucking up so much of my energy I was seriously torturing myself on a daily basis.   I knew that I was in no way shape or form ready to cut off communication with him or give up on the hope that this really is what I thought I was going to be, so I went the other direction and let my heart decide.  I told him I am in and willing to wait and see if things can be fixed when he gets back.    It was a relief to put aside the internal struggle.  

He is deployed and that makes me really wonder his motivation; Am I just safe and familiar to him and it's the circumstances that is making him say these things?    We shall see.  He will be given the opportunity to put his money where his mouth is and prove thru consistent positive actions over time.  That's what I've been drilling into his head like he's a 5 year old... any time he asks what he can do to fix things that is my answer, "consistent positive actions over time".   It is fortunate that he's in a position with fairly consistent daily access to communications, supplemented with weekly skype sessions, we've talked more  and more honestly (or I should say I've been no holds barred honest about my feelings) about us and the situation than we ever did in the time before he was deployed.

My hurt is not gone, it will take time and effort to undo this last year and get me to that comfortable place again and he knows this.   My making the decision to be open to it,  I've made the commitment to myself to start letting go of the hurt.  I was holding on to it like it was a security blanket.  Who wants that kind of shit for a security blanket?   I was starting to feel that I was placing myself in a victim role and that is no good.  I do have control over what I accept and what I won't, this isn't just happening to me.  It's my choice and I'm choosing to try and heal and see if there is a new start in the future.   He has work to do, and I do too.

That decision is made.  I'm owning it, and will deal with the outcome good or bad when it comes.

Good stuff

I've been working really hard at some physical goals.  I've signed up for another 5k that happens in about 3 weeks and have set some goals for changing up my body composition, aka: reduce body fat.  I like goals.  Goals and working toward them ends in me feeling accomplished and I need that.

By the end of the month I hope to have reduced my body fat by 6%, shave another 30 seconds off of my fitness test, and do 10 "real" push ups.

Much needed family time is coming this weekend too.  Heading over the mountains to the other side of the state for a good dose of Granny time.  That little 90 year old wig wearing, Costco shopping, card playing, veggie growing lady does wonders for my soul!