What was I thinking?!?

New Adventures in Dating: #1 Testing The Waters

2011-03-10T12:21:00.000-08:00

And by new adventure I mean my first-1st date in 3.5 years.

I gently dipped the very tippy of my toe in the water and I wasn't gobbled up by a shark. I consider that a success.

Nice dinner at a cozy table by a big fireplace, easy conversation with a really interesting man, appropriate amount of compliments without going overboard, a hug and kiss on the cheek, text message to check and make sure I made it home safely, and laid the foundation for another date next week.

Those really are the juicy details.... and just fine with me (for now!). I didn't want something intense that would scare me off or freak me out.

I don't know if it's associated with going on a date and trying to get back in the game but I've had a lot of memories and what not pop up and occupy my mind this week. It's odd, in a good way. It hasn't been swooning or feelings of still being in love with the man it's been sadness over the loss of the relationship moments. I think because of the circumstances of the split the "in love" part disappeared pretty damn fast. And if I'm going to be completely honest with myself those feelings had started to change before I even found out about "the BS".

*still licking my wounds*

The Blahs Have Taken A Vacation

2011-03-07T13:31:00.000-08:00

1. I would rather feel ups and downs than flatline blah....any day, all day, every day. Feeling means I can release emotions and move on. Feeling means that I get to enjoy the really good times too!

2. Good weekend: Reclaiming run #2 at my favorite park under my belt.

3. Picked up some great gear at 50% end of the season sale.

4. Whistler here I come! We booked a girls snowboard weekend for next month.

Foreshadowing?

5. It was a guy magnet weekend. Just about everywhere I went randoms were wanting to talk to me... nothing wrong with that, it was just a noticeable influx. And I was open to it, maybe that's the difference. I've been accused of not noticing how much guys notice me.

6. Talked to an interesting guy. He asked & I gave him my number. He asked me out. I'm going. *little nervous*

7. Working on my initial post for my Strong Is The New Skinny Body Transformation Challenge Check it out, looks like fun and motivation! They are on facebook as well. You can make it whatever you want.

That's all folk!

Blog: Get in where you fit in?

2011-03-03T09:23:00.000-08:00

I don't know where I fit in.

When I first started reading blogs (and eventually having my own) I was trying to get an idea of the path my life was headed. My mom has just passed away and I was in love with a soldier who had just finished medical school and we were talking about our future. "What in the world am I getting in to?" *voila* Blogs! Blogs by women who were married to or dating men in the military, the very first I read was a woman who was married to not only a solider but a physician in the same stage of his career as my ex-love, and *wow* here is a woman who not only loved a soldier she recently lost a parent. I absorbed every tale they told. What great insight and information I collected from these blogs. I couldn't believe I found women who had such similar experiences. I could related. More importantly they could relate to me. I felt I fit in with this group of women bloggers that I had discovered.

Time and life move on... relationship ups and downs, my soldier deployed and I could read and learn more from this great community who had been there and done that.

And here we are today. The relationship did a total dramatic and very unpleasant crash and burn. (I was bamboozled)

Where do I fit in with this whole blog thing? I know I'm not a writer and this isn't a place folks check in to see what witty tale I'm going to share today. I'm not a photographer to post amazing photos of my adventures. I'm not a mom. I'm no longer attached to anything related to loving a man in the military. I don't have a business to promote. I'm not a fitness goddess.

But damn it, I just want to feel like I fit. Even if it's only 3 people that read and comment I've grown to like that feeling of connection to a whole new group of people and I'm not really sure I have that so much anymore.

Who knew a blog could make me feel so emotional? I'm sure it has nothing to do with PMS or having a broken heart. *pft whatevh*

PYHO: My Mom

2011-03-02T12:51:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I feel like all I do here is pour my heart out about something or other. I'm not one of those nifty words of wisdom, witty life story, mass appeal kind of bloggers. I started this as a place to vent and say things that I might not normally get out otherwise.

As I've shared in other posts, I lost my mom to breast cancer in Oct of 2007. I started blogging after she was gone and as I was just getting started in really dealing with my grief. Working thru that loss has impacted a lot of the events in my life since she has passed. I don't know that I ever got super solid footing after her passing so with each new shitty event that's popped up there is some of that grief tangled in the mix.

Here is the pour.....

Cleaning out some old emails (ridding myself of electronic reminders of the Biggest Azzhole in the World) and I came across this email exchange with a dear friend of mine. Reading this hit me like a ton of bricks. Anyway...thought I would share this as a prequel to anything I've posted here about my dealing with the grief. I know so many others have been thru it.

This is kind of long, but important I think to have all of it. Written about 3 weeks before we lost her.

ME:

Can I say something out loud to you w/o it coming across as a totally negative outlook?

Awesome Friend:
eeek! ok...(nervous)

ME:

My mom is dying. It makes me sad.

I've never really said that like that out loud.

It is overwhelming to think about in those terms so I try to kind of not deal with the reality too often, but feel like I had to acknowledge it. Say it. Let it out. I feel like I'm not suppose to think in those terms or say something like that.
Don't worry about me in a scary way, I'm just going thru the process of the whole thing. Lor gave me info on her counseling office and her therapist marked which names would be good for bereavement counseling so I'm set when/if needed.

Awesome Friend:
S. I have tears on my face as I write this. I am so grateful that you could feel comfortable in saying this to me.
I have been really concerned about your mom, ever since I heard that the cancer had started to spread to her organs. This is what happened to my dear Aunt P, who I cared for in her last days. I actually talked to our other girls, giving them a heads up that times were going to start becoming more difficult, so that we all could be ready to support you in the most love we could give.

S, you have been so so very brave and graceful through this process. I think that acknowledging this part of the cycle of her illness will allow you to even more draw closer to her by knowing time is short and that every moment is dear, as well as to help yourself in your own process by coming to terms with truth: The truth of the mortality of your mom and of ALL people. It just boggles my mind to even contemplate that kind of potential for loss. Recognising and accepting what *is*, as you are doing, won't make the process easier, but it will make it more honest in working through things as you go.

Also in acting as a support for your mom, she will need to be able to tell you things that are important to her regarding how she wants to see things in the family or procedures or WHATEVER after she is gone, and for you to HEAR those things and assure her that her wishes will be fulfilled is immensely important to her, as you can imagine. If we get wrapped up in, "No, no, don't talk that way" I think it can cause the person dying to feel uneasy.

I am so glad to hear that you are open to finding a councilor who is professionally trained in grief. But the process of grief doesn't start at death, you are already grieving for your mother's health as we speak. I suggest starting as soon as you can. <3

I think I am going to really try to budget tight and see if I can make a trip up to Seattle in October, so I can give you a trillion hugs in person.

Has the doctor talked about a prognosis time frame?
I love you.

ME:
L... I sound like a broken record when I say this but I will keep saying it because I want you (all of you) to know how much it means to me to such an amazing group of women as my circle of support. The friendship that the 4 of us share is timeless and amazing and will follow us all through the happy and sad of life. I have a hard enough time expressing my feelings in word form, so I know I will never be able to really explain what it means to me to have you and the girls in my life. Not that I didn't already cherish our friendship, but I don't know if I really understood the depth of or my reliance on our friendship until my mom got sick. It might really have been the first time in my life that I allowed myself to be so vulnerable and open and admit that I needed to lean on some shoulders to help me get through something. This truly has been the hardest thing I've ever been thru and I don't know what I would have done without you and your support.

I know, and have known, what the diagnosis and progression mean and what it is leading up to. I've often felt that if I say it out like that in such certain terms that people would accuse me of not having hope or not being positive. That really isn't the case. Of course I have hope and try to stay as positive as possible. If I didn't, I wouldn't be able to function on a daily basis. But I also know the medical reality and can't live in denial or I would be much worse off in the long run.

You sure are right, nobody wants to hear someone they love talk like that... in terms of them preparing for their departure. I've mustered all the strength I can to face those conversations with my mom and not break down, to listen to what she needs to say even though it's not what I want to hear. It was a little more shocking at first, but I've had a year and a half (hard to believe it's been that long that she has been sick) to get use to her talking like that. At first, it seem way far fetched and easy to dismiss it all as being in vane. Not so much now, now I'm wanting to have those conversations and sit and write things down so I'll be prepared. She's doing it with my dad as well, but I know I'll have to kick in and help him... he's not much of a detail person!

I just spoke to her right before I got your email. I had called to check in for the afternoon. I asked if she had had any recent liver function tests and she hasn't. She will most likely have one on Tuesday so we will have a better idea of what's going on there. Her breathing isn't getting any better, my dad said she is only at about 50% lung capacity but her the oxygen levels in her blood are normal so she's find there. I did notice, and she also mentioned to me, that her lower ab. is becoming a bit distended. That's most likely her liver enlarging from the tumors. She also told me that when Dr. Crossland helped my dad with his FMLA paperwork, she gave him a 3-6 month time frame to list on the paperwork, so it has shortened a bit from the previous 6-12 month prognosis. I don't know if it is because he is a bit of a pessimist, but when I was over there on Monday night my dad and I had a talk and he wants me to be prepared. He didn't want to scare me, but wanted me to make informed decisions about the time I spend with my mom etc. He said he would be surprised if she makes it into the new year, and we'd be blessed to have her for Christmas. If my mom has anything to do with it she will make it past the new year... she wants Step Dad to be able to file federal income tax one more year with her as a deduction. LMAO... that's my mom for ya!

Gosh, anyway, rambling on... I just really want to say thank you. thank you. thank you. I know you've sometimes said that you feel you feel helpless because you aren't here. Don't feel that way at all, you make a huge difference in my life physically in the area or not. I love you like a fat kid loves cake!

And there is is.. poured out.

She Ran Forrest.... She Ran!!!

2011-02-21T11:25:00.000-08:00

MY mountains, USA.

And I wasn't running from anything... I did it for the sake of getting some exercise!

It's been about 2 months 1.5 weeks since I've been out running and then it was thru the streets of a town in a foreign country. Boy what a different two months can make, huh?

The setting felt so familiar as my last few runs. There was so so so much similar at first I wanted to retreat; The weather was chilly (40ish), same cold weather gear on, backdrop of snow covered mountains behind the city.. But wait, I'm HOME. This is MY turf, MY favorite park, MY familiar mountains! I wasn't going for performance ( *heh* that was funny, me.. running...performance) I just needed to get out and do it and it felt great.

I was reprogrammed.

I am home. I felt much more grounded and focused back on my home turf and the present. My head has been just about everywhere but in the present since I've been back. It felt good to be in the moment and feeling settled at home. Finally.

I'm going to attribute it to not only the run on Sunday, but the whole weekend I was busy doing things that had absolutely no Ex associated memories. I was doing things that were just me and nothing he and I had ever done together. Out at an Irish pub drinking beer and eating corned beef & cabbage and hanging with new friends and a day up snowboarding. All new memories. All me baby!

Pour Your Heart Out: I'm Lost

2011-02-09T12:05:00.000-08:00

I'm afraid to admit this because it is contrary to a lot of the words I would use to describe myself. I think I'm a resilient, strong, intelligent, independent woman. I've got my life together, got my education, have a job, have pocket change, and it looks like I'm doing OK.

I feel like a lost little child with nobody to guide me.

I don't feel like I've fully learned how to do things for ME. Follow MY dreams. To please ME. To be proud of MYSELF.

Why can't I motivate myself to do things for just me? Why do I feel so stuck without external motivation? Why do I need to be trying to make someone else proud and get their praise as motivation to do anything?

Yes, finishing my degree was important to me and I was proud of myself but honestly my main motivation was making my mom and my family proud of me. With out that, I don't know that I would have ever finished.

Yes, I accomplished some big fitness and health goals and it made me feel good but what motivated me to take it to the next level was to show someone else what I could do. Fitness was important to them and although it was awesome to see what I could push myself to do, if I didn't have that other external source of motivation and receiving the praise from someone for my accomplishment... I don't think I would have done it. I wouldn't have done it simple for ME and to make ME proud.

This has all happened fairly quickly. Over the last 3.5 years I no longer have parents to please, I no longer have a partner as a source of motivation and making me "want to be a better woman". Nobody to look to for that external praise that makes me want to do more and do better and I don't know what to do with myself.

I'm great at taking a supporting roll. I actually like that, it's what I do well and I get satisfaction out of it but here I am having just lost that roll. The future I saw with my Ex and my roll in that future was what made me feel grounded and useful. I had a purpose.

Now I have nothing stopping me from doing whatever I want. And I don't know what to do with myself.

I am afraid I'm going to do nothing.

Candidates for T-shirt of the Month

2011-02-08T11:12:00.000-08:00

Here are the front runners.

When people ask me how I was able to control myself and get thru the last few hours after I found out my Ex was a Tiger Wood wanna be... this says it all.

Coinstar iTunes Bonus!

2011-02-07T15:20:00.000-08:00

Just a little something to share that isn't my anger or talking about my bad eating habits.

I love getting every little bit extra I can... I'm a total deal whore to Groupon, LivingSocial, etc etc etc. (FYI... you can buy a restaurant.com gift card on ebay for a couple of dollars and end up dining out for barely more than tax and tip!)

I also have a huge bowl of spare change that sits around until I get one of these sweet little email offers from Coinstar and thought I would share.

Cash in $40 of loose change for an iTunes card and get an additional $10 bonus!

Anger Never Felt So Good!

2011-02-05T11:26:00.000-08:00

I got angry...angrY.... angRY.... anGRY..... aNGRY....ANGRY!!!

Al-leh-lu-yer!

I don't get angry enough when I should. I stuff it. I stuff it with pizza. I cover it with gravy and smother it with ice cream.

Yes, I've been pissed off and angry over the BS with my ex but up until now I hadn't gotten yelling, crying, kick in the door, throw the cushions, knock things off the table, get it all out, honest to god angry.

It came out of nowhere. Started with tears, well I cry for just about every emotion so tears were a part of the whole process, progressed to me yelling in the car, kept going into an almost uncontrollable urge for my legs to move with speed and power and kick something. (that was interesting considering I was in the car) I was trying to calculate the cost of a new interior door and wondering if it was worth the cost to go there.

I was physically fucking pissed the fuck off.

And then I felt relaxed and full of energy. I might have even jumped up in the air and given a little *woot woot* because, damn, getting angry never felt so good! I bet bet that cat is taking a nice nap now in front of the fire.... good call.

Confession: Food

2011-01-31T11:30:00.000-08:00

I started to cry this morning as I was logging on to my sparkpeople.com account to start up my food log again.

My password alludes to me having some sort of level of fitness, which I do...and did... but I felt like a phony using that as my password today.

I have an issue with emotional eating and I'm using food to fill that big lonely sad hole right now. This isn't the "oh hey, allow yourself some indulgence while you get over your breakup" kind of thing. The amount of food and lack of control are really starting to scare me. We're talking eatuntilyouarealmostsickstandatthekitchencountereatingsomethingdoesn'teventastesogood kind of thing.

When I read on the always factual internet something about binge eating, "disorder" and "shrouded in secrecy" I figured if I shared I didn't really have "THAT" problem. Right?

Hmmmm.. it also said something about having troubles expressing anger as a cause. Like I have any reason to be angry right now? *pft*

It scares me to be this out of control. I've worked very hard on my fitness over the last several years and I don't know why I would do this to myself. Being somewhat of a control freak, it surprises me that I let something like this be out of control. I'm embarassed. I need to fix this.

Today is a new day. I'm starting my food log again. I've got this.

Gearing up for some funny ish!

2011-01-29T08:00:00.000-08:00

Anjelah Johnson show tonight with my girls!

Are you familiar? Oh please say you are... she is hilarious. From her stand up to skits on Mad TV. Love Love Love.

This will be some much needed laughs with my girls, followed up with a trip to the cigar bar and maybe some bootay shakin. Mmmm hmmm. Tonights gonna be a good good night!

Support Cindy's Hope Chest...helping those battling breast cancer.

2011-01-28T06:00:00.000-08:00

Please take a moment to visit and help her win some great advertising space for her charity, Cindy's Hope Chest.

Catch up on her blog, she's been holding down the fort as an Army wife, mother,breast cancer survivor, and now advocate helping others as they fight like a girl to kick cancer in the bootay!

This is a cause very near and dear to my heart. I lost my mom to breast cancer in October of 2007 and I know that the kinds of support and services that Cindy's Hope Chest provides are needed and appreciated beyond belief.

Vacation..Italy, Costa Rica, the good stuff!

2011-01-27T09:00:00.000-08:00

No big secret. The end of my "dream vacation" was ASS.

Before the ASS hit, I did have some good stuff going on.

Italy

I was able to see a little bit of a new area of Italy and I although I will never see them again, I got to meet some really cool people.

I was able to get dressed up and experience my first and probably last military formal.

The time was spent mostly close to home and doing every day stuffs, but I was still able to see part of the country that was new to me. I put on my cold weather running gear and explored on my own as far as my legs wanted to take me and we did have a weekend of touristy stuff. I'm not in the mood to share pictures, this one still feels a little too angrybitterish.

And here is something that was unexpected. I saw a blogger while I was there. It's someone I use to read, but her blog kind of stopped and low and behold. Of course I didn't say anything. She isn't someone I ever really exchanged comments with but it was surprising.

Costa Rica

It was beautiful. The weather was beautiful. Love love love this place.

I sat out here...

Playa Conchal

And golfed here....

who knew my golfing partner wanted to be Tiger Woods...in every way.

And drank with the cupacabra....

yes, that whatchamacallit took my pina colada!

Unfortunately the whole travel adventure will be tainted, but I can't let that take away the few good memories right?

Fu*cker. I don't really feel like it's ever inappropriate for me to get that out when the desire strikes.

Phase 1.5

2011-01-26T07:30:00.000-08:00

"Fake it till ya make it" just isn't cutting it anymore.

It was one month ago yesterday that I found out my man was a fake, fraud, phony, narcissist. Yes, I said it. He was more that just a selfish asshole. Pray that you never encounter one outside of reading a case study.

It was one month ago today that I walked away from him at the airport knowing it would be the last time I would see him. The last time I would tell him goodbye.

Today is the day to start something new.

No more giving myself permission to make choices that aren't healthy for me "because you deserve to take a break". No more justifying sitting on the couch eating pizza. Done. No more justifying self medicating so I don't have to feel. Done. No more unhealthy self destructive behavior. Done.

It's all about getting back into my good routines that make me happy rather than down on myself when I already have reason enough to feel a bit down as it is.

Things around this joint will only get out of control if I let them. Uh, and my inner control freak sure as heck isn't going to let that happen. If there is one thing in this world I can control it's ME!

Oh, gotta go... doorbell, my last pizza is here. I'm typing this to post tomorrow. Nobody's perfect.

Single...that's what I am.

2011-01-24T16:22:00.000-08:00

I know, "no duh brain child ....that's what happens when you find out the guy you loved has two or three separate lives."

It took a couple of weeks for my noggin to catch up with the reality that I am single. period. This isn't the in-between time when we were working on putting things back together and neither my head nor my heart were unattached and truly single.

The reality sinking in wasn't a bad moment. It just was. I was in the car driving to meet Best Guy Friend for dinner and thinking about getting there early and slurping down one of my fav cocktails (French 75, drink it, love it, you won't regret it) and as I was visualising this tasty event I saw myself sitting in the bar. A nice bar. With nice people. Some of them men. SS.... "YOU ARE SINGLE".

It's been about 3.5 years since I've been in this rodeo. It wasn't a matter of wanting to flirt and talk to someone (would not be a good idea for him or me quite yet), but there was definitely that shift in my head. Good or bad, it's my new state of being.

Shit. I better start shaving my legs and stuff.

Today was a good day

2011-01-21T14:16:00.000-08:00

This is what wasn't going on in my head today!

Nothing super special other than feeling normal! Funny how good normal feels when you haven't been feeling like yourself.

Looking forward to an evening out at my favorite restaurant with my best guy friend. I'll be the one there early sitting in the bar with a loverly French 75 in my hand. *aaaaaahhhh* The simple pleasures. Come join me...the more the merrier. Cheers!

(Oooooh, maybe I'll get some good people watching pics and actually write an entertaining blog post?)

New Adventures: Snowboarding

2011-01-17T11:55:00.000-08:00

Quick aside: Funny thing, when I started this blog I was in a very similar place that I am now. A breakup, I was venting, and looking at starting on some new adventures in life. Fast forward and here I am again... breakup of a relationship (the same effin one!) and venting. So lets get back to the "New Adventures".

New Adventure: Snowboarding!

How I would like to portray the entire day:

Reality:

And before you go there... yes, this was a hill!

Humbling 36" high dare devils race past you, yes. Hilarious laughing at yourself, yes. Enjoy a good beer and BBQ in front of the fire in the lodge, hells yes! It really was a blast. I use to ski. I kind of like the more controlled spills with both legs attached to the same board better. One lesson down, two more to go!

I'm going to leave out the pictures of us standing in line with the 5 year olds waiting for the "magic carpet" to transport us up the bunny slope.

FTW !?!

2011-01-12T15:28:00.000-08:00

Ok, so what the heck just really happened?

So that's not really even a true question because it didn't just happen, I just found out about it.

Angry Woman has moved on to leave Miss Dazed n' Confused

Did someone really just spend years working on a relationship with me and winning my heart while doing the same thing to others? Did someone who clearly didn't want to be in a committed relationship really just convince me that we had a future together as partners and a family? Did this same person really just have me come 1/2 way around the world to meet and mingle with coworkers under the impression that I was his "love" and would be back in the not to distant future to see them all again? Did I really just sit with his family for Christmas (again) with them all under the same impression of our relationship as I was? Did I really just spend the last year of my life praying every day for his safety while everyday he was trying to figure out how to keep up with all his women?

The things I shared with him. Who was this person?

I do not understand this.

I know it's all a process. I know it will get better over time. I know I will be OK and in the grand scheme of things there is some lesson for me to learn and some sort of positive growth will be the end result. I personally could think of other ways that I could have been given the opportunity to grow and learn, but who am I to decide what it is that I really need?

I wish I was 19 and didn't give a f**k. I'd send you all out "BEWARE OF" fliers to plaster around the world.

Whatevh.

Vehicular Superstar

2011-01-11T16:16:00.000-08:00

You probably didn't know that I'm a superstar.

When I'm alone in the car, there is no more fantastic performer. I sing, I dance, I do it all and do it all very loud and very well.

So the next time you see a late 30s white women all decked out in her North Face gear bobbin her head, getting her groove on and chuckin' duces like she's really doin somethin.... Smile. Wave. It might just be me.

A collection of my most recent performances for your listening pleasure.

Best wish I was 21 guilty pleasure post breakup anthem:

Best song to bring out your inner back up dancer:

2010's best panty dropper:

Diary of an Angry White Woman

2011-01-04T09:46:00.000-08:00

And by diary I mean one angry post and then I'm not letting the anger eat away at me.

Love, talking about our future together, a trip overseas, a Christmas ball, a tropical vacation, Christmas with his family and it all went to hell with less than 24 hours to go.

I got played..... several times over. And by played I sure do mean multiple women in multiple locations all being told similar things about love and futures together. It's embarrassing to even say out loud but I'm not the one that did anything wrong.

I'm giving him a title; Emotional Con Man. I was conned, but it wasn't for my money or anything material. It was for my love, devotion and support.

FUCKER FUCKER FUCKER FUCKER!

Turns out the man I was in love with didn't even exist. The facade he created and the image of who he was and what he stands for and believes in is a total front. Everything he talks about as important traits and positive characteristics are the exact opposite of what he actually is. I can't even imagine how conflicted and miserable someone must be living life knowing that they are not at all what they portray to the world and consider admirable. I have no idea what to actually call someone that does this to others. I'm sure there is a psychological term, anything I can really come up with consists of several very unladylike words strung together and shouted at the top of my lungs.

I wrote this blog post in my head, sitting at a slot machine with a beer. I thought this was an appropriate image for someone who just had half the carpet pulled out from under them while getting punched in the gut at the same time. All that was missing is a cigarette.

I can be loyal to a fault. To the point where I sometimes don't see things I should because I believe that people I love are as loyal to me as I am to them. Maybe I needed the hard line version of the truth so that there wasn't any question and I didn't stick around any longer. Thank goodness I didn't get sucked in any further.

Hard hit to take. I'm angry that he did this to me. I'm angry that he does this this to women. I'm angry that while three of us sit with this feeling of betrayal (of course I told them), he gets to just go along and keep up with any others out there or start working on a batch of new victims. I'm angry that there are so many people in his life that are fooled into believing this facade is the real person. I don't think I've ever met a bigger hypocrite in my life.

So, dude, you got me. Does it feel good? Does it boost your little ego? But now I know who you really are and you are the one that has to live with that miserable person not me. I'll get over it, you wont, you are stuck with you. Duces!

By popular demand.....

2010-11-30T22:28:00.000-08:00

Well, at least one blogger and lots of friends. :-)

This is the recipe for one of my family's favorite Christmas treats. There are cookie wars ever year over them, like serious threats made and everything. We've had that at Christmas for as long as I can remember and Great Aunt Thelma passed the baking torch to me. I made them early this year and surprised the family at Tday since I'm getting ready to blow this joint for the holidays.

I would love to post a picture but we ate them all. Not a good idea when you want to stay fitting in the formal gown you need to wear in the next couple of weeks! *oopsie* Envision little frosted toasty light brown balls of sugary buttery frosting goodness.

Without further adieu.....

Brown Sugar Butter Cookies

A single batch of cookies w/ double batch of frosting (that's the rules!) is a lot of cookies. For a quick batch we do a 1/2 batch cookies and single of the frosting.

2C Butter
2C Brown Sugar
8T Milk
1t vanilla
6C flour
2t salt

Preheat oven 375

Sift flour and salt
In a separate bowl work butter until soft add sugar and mix until smooth
Add vanilla and dry mixture... mix thoroughly
Add milk & mix

Scoop aprox 1T of dough and roll into a ball, place on cookie sheet aprox 2" apart. I pat each cookie to slightly flatten (they cook more evenly IMHO).

Bake for 11-13 minutes - cookies should appear dry
Move to a rack to cool

Brown Butter Icing
1/2 C butter
2C powdered sugar
1/2t vanilla
2-3T boiling water

Brown butter in a sauce pan until light brown
pour over brown sugar & mix
Add vanilla and boiling water mix until smooth
If the frosting starts to set, add a little boiling water to soften

Frost and enjoy!

Snow Day & confused feelers

2010-11-23T09:07:00.000-08:00

Snow day! I'll take advantage to organize at home and get some baking done. Sweet, I needed and extra day or two.

He's all the way out. No more in transit... boots on the non-sandy ground!

I am thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis close to single digits before departure.

I'm scared. Excited but that nervous kind of scared.

I don't even know how to describe this, but it felt kind of odd talking to him under normal conditions. Did he really just say he's going to go meet up with friends for dinner after he runs a few errands? I'm confused by the selfishy jealousy feelings I'm having. I couldn't be more incredibly happy he is out of there... but wait.... you aren't just sitting waiting to talk to me some more? You have options other than me? Gezus, get over yourself girl. You will be there soon enough. I feel bad I couldn't be there to welcome him home into my arms. I'm stalking facebook for them to post the video.

I don't really understand some of these feelings.

It's not all circus acts and happy traveling rainbows

2010-11-11T14:40:00.000-08:00

Three weeks. That's about all I have left until I jump in feet first.

I've been distracted with planning and trying to get organized for my upcoming trip as well as the holidays and all the other stuff going on between now and D-day. My head has been in la la land. I've been doing really well personally; reaching some fitness and health goals which I never imagined myself doing, I've kicked the grief cycles evil ass, and I've been doing pretty well living in the present .... until....

what if....
It has pretty much been sunshine and rainbows and really cool, but I'm starting to "what if" and over think. Am I being realistic? Do have too many expectations? Shit. Over a year worth of relationship (ups and downs) all over the phone and computer. It's been going so well, the last couple of months have been great. He really has been doing everything he can given the circumstances to make sure he shows that he really wants this and is serious. He listened to me, he's putting talk into action. *blink blink* Wholly hell. I got what I asked for..... *blink blink* What is it going to be like to be together again? I am so excited and my heart is just aching to get there... but. but. but what if..... and that's what sets off my mini anxiety. I don't want to create anxiety over events that haven't or may not even happen. That is deadly and it results in annoying behavior on my part. But I don't want to go too far the other direction either. I want to be realistic.

OK, back to shiny happy things.... distraction techniques....keeping busy until it's time for me to take off and then just go with the flow. Yes. That is what I'm going to do. Really... really I am. I mean, how do I not keep distracted when I have accessories to buy, dinner parties to plan, cookies to bake, a holiday with the fam.... easy peasy. (shit, it's like a 9 hour flight with nothing to do but think)

Running away to the circus...

2010-11-09T13:31:00.000-08:00

Warning to parents, it's easier for you kids to do than you think. (any given day this may be a good thing?)

No seriously. This is me... for real. I tried to post a video but I think it was too large.

Hell yeah it was fun. A little scary but I've kind of been in to getting over my fears and just jumping into things lately. Too bad relationship don't have all that safety equipment!

TICK TOCK.... TICK TOCK.... time flies when you have a lot of shit to get done

OMG I have less than 30 days from leaving for my one woman homecoming ceremony. Where did the time go?

evening dress... check
winter clothes...check
suits & summer clothes.....check

christmas gifts..... so very close to check

to do.... primping! cut & color, waxing, buffing, polishing, manicuring....

There's no crying at concerts! Beautiful tribute...

2010-09-12T12:05:00.000-07:00

I went to see Brian McKnight in concert last night... the concert was awesome. I expected nothing less from an amazing song writer that I've listened to for dang near 20 years (gulp, when did I get that old!?!)

He did a tear producing tribute last night that included this song.... I wish I could have recorded he and his two sons (they are part of his band and just as talented) singing the Star Spangled Banner acappella.

WWIT Reality Check Hello Luvahs.....

2010-08-31T11:25:00.000-07:00

* A check yourself update*

Damn it. I don't even have a job that requires I wear cute business clothes and heels. I can pretty much wear a notch above PJ's if I wanted to. I have a closet full of cute heels and other than sneakers maybe 2 casual shoes appropriate for our rainy crap winter. So I've come to a compromise.

1. I'm saying goodbye to my soft as butter leather beautiful blue shoes.

2. I AM buying something to replace them. Some functional and cute North Face winter boots that I've been searching for for the last few years. I'm excited to finally found winter boots that I love.

3. I get to keep a version of the pretty ruffly shoes. The color below is apparently the current season, but I found a soft grey color for less than 1/2 the price because it is sooooo last season. Who cares! I love the shoe and I swear to goodness I've never found a pair of heels that are this super soft. It's dang near like wearing ballet flats.

Win Win Sitch

This is an illusion, I really didn't just replace the "cleaning out the closet" shoes. *grin*

Evoke the strategic packing gods... ohmmmm

2010-08-21T13:49:00.000-07:00

Oh Saint Christopher....

I've got to start some strategic packing planning, like now. My big 3 week adventure isn't for a few months yet but here is what I face. Packing for three weeks that include winter in Europe, a need for a formal dress (which I just found out about that little addition today... I'm looking forward to the event but just sayin..), a week in a tropical location and Christmas in the Heartland.

And get that all done in luggage that I'm draggin around with me for 20,000 miles.

WTHeck

The best that I can come up with right now is planning on shipping what I can for Christmas so I don't have to carry it and maybe shipping my dress too?

P.S. I want to start shopping now but chances are in the next 1 to 1.5 months I will be size smaller.

*I am so aware that there could be some seriously worse thing for me to be stressing about*

After.....

2010-08-20T16:11:00.000-07:00

Ha ha!

I am so completely happy that I choose to get this done.

These were just for sleep my first night. Check up this morning... 20/20 both eyes baby! Super success, the procedure was painless and quick. Spent the day yesterday with different alarms and timers set on my phone for the every 1/2 hour and then every two hour rounds of artificial tears, antibiotics and steroids. I could have gone back to work this afternoon but decided to "rest my eyes" (aka: shoe shopping and pretending to be a lady of leisure at the fancy mall) Speaking of, a little off topic but....

Most difficult part is going to be the "no sports" over the next week. I really tried to figure out a way that I could work out but one of the big concerns is sweat and I'm one of those super sweat people (yeah, I know luck me) so I'm going to be a walking fool for the next week to try and keep up with my fitness.

I am so happy I did this. Took myself shopping for new non Rx sunglasses after the appointment.

EEEEEEiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Before.....

2010-08-18T18:51:00.000-07:00

12 hour to no glasses

Big week.... new eyes, new me & vacation!

2010-08-16T13:51:00.000-07:00

I'm baaaaccck.....

Although I wasn't physically missing, what I feel is the real me has been on hiatus for the past three years or so. I finally finally finally feel like myself again! It's been a struggle and some hard work on my part but I feel like I've escaped the grasp of that Nasty Grief Monster and for the first time in about three years I feel like me. I'm LIVING my life again.... not just going thru the motions and it never felt so good.

Grief is a really odd thing. The impact it has on a person and the process over time is different for everyone. Even having educated myself as much as possible on the whole process, there were times that it was hard to recognize. Yeah, I was feeling blue and not really engaged in my life and with my friends, but I wasn't sitting and specifically thinking "I miss my mom." It had developed into a more general cloud of blah that would come in and hang around for a couple months at a time, blow over, and come back again.

I know it can still come an go. For today, this month and this moment I am in full on celebration of feeling like SS once again!! I've missed her, I love her, I'm so happy to have her back. *hugs myself*

So the big week thing... I'm getting new eyes!

Thursday AM I go in for LASIK. *blink blnk* I had to start today with my "no makeup" for three days before surgery, I'm getting in three hard work outs because "no sports" for a week post surgery (and no makeup too). I've officially gone from nervous to so excited to get it done! I was out playing in the sun a lot this weekend... paddling around a big lake and the local arboretum, sitting on a dock watching the boats pour thru "the cut" from one lake to another.... and happily telling my Rx sunglasses it doesn't matter if you get covered with spray on sunscreen because this week you are going in the garbage!!

And the other big thing.. VACATION BOOKED!

December vacation with "The Ex" who really isn't so much of an Ex anymore is a done deal. Frantic planning with limited phone calls & skype are complete, tickets booked, vacation time is a go. One small detail left. I have to inform my family that I will not be home for the Christmas holidays. They will be happy for me, but also a little bummed that I won't be there. I got the umpteenth degree from my Granny back when I went on my first vacation with TheExNotEx. She knows he and I have maintained contact, but I can only imagine the questions I'm going to get regarding my three week, 20,000mile, two continent, three country December adventure with him. Well, and the sweet thing doesn't have the best short term memory these days so she will probably ask the same question about 5 times every 30 minutes.

Anywho... he has been doing a really good job (what he can considering the circumstances) giving me the follow thru and commitment that I need to help rebuild things.

Now I can finally start getting excited and looking forward to this trip, because, hot damn... it's ON!

Meeting other bloggers... is there a creep factor?

2010-08-09T15:00:00.000-07:00

So here is a question for other bloggers...and I'm talking about other bloggers that have lots of followers rather than the random venting kind of bloggers like me. :-)

Have you ever had someone recognize you from your blog and approach you to say "Hi, aren't you so-n-so from blah-zah-blah blog?"

Is it or would it be creepy to you?

Oh and another thing....

Lets say you are an anonymous blogger and people in your real life, including your significant other, don't know you blog. Then lest say you were going to be in a town where or even possibly moving to a town where some of these other bloggers live and it might be very helpful for you to make contract with them. But, uh, how would you explain to significant other how you know this person? (oh yes, and the significant other would think it is super weirdo to be meeting people online like this and would probably be more than a little freaked out about it)

Just thinking out loud in case that's ever a possibility.

5k #2

2010-08-08T10:07:00.001-07:00

32 min! 4 better than last time. *smile*. A picture of me right now would show vasodilation at it's finest.

Sent from my iPhone

No news is good news!

2010-07-23T12:17:00.000-07:00

I'm taking my lack of needing to blog as a good sign, I tend to do it more when I'm venting or feeling a bit troubled.

So yay! Nothing much to post about other than me feeling like I'm in a pretty happy place right now.

I've been reminded that I'm much more balanced and happy when I'm being active. Keeping up with some of my fitness goals; playing tennis, golf, some camping trips, and have my 2nd 5k coming up in two weeks. One of the big gym goals I had set for myself was push ups... regular old "non girly" push ups. Something that I've never really be able to do in the past. My goal for the end of the month was 10, but when I did a test last week I knocked out 6 so I know that 10 by the end of next week should not be an issue.

I'm also actually contemplating on putting up some before and after photos from the beginning of June until now but I scare myself even looking at them, let alone releasing all this non-tanned cellulite to the world. Would it even be helpful to me to put myself out there like that?

A little excited and nervous at the same time about this on; I'm going in for a pre LASIK evaluation next week. Would be cool to not have to mess around with glasses, but I'd be dropping pretty much all of my vacation & fun stash on this.

I'm having lots of nervous feelings again regarding upcoming vacation plans with The Ex. We are talking about holidays and when I can take vacation time, how much time etc. Hell, why shouldn't I feel nervous given the patter and the chance I've decided to take once again. This is the point where I'm afraid I'll get excited and start looking forward to things with him and I'm going to be left to fall flat on my face and wallow in disappointment. I'm not talking about the Army changing things, I'm talking about him changing things. I'll be more relieved when we are able to book tickets, but if it goes thru this will be quite the grand adventure with me racking up 15,000 plus air miles and having a vacation and holidays kind of all across the world. Deep breath. *woo saaaaw*

Mmmm... my low cal "Lake Punch"

2010-07-14T11:02:00.000-07:00

I'm so sprung on my concoction I wanted to share.

I'm probably not the first to do this, but it was new to me and I'm craving it....alcohol or not!

Trying to watch the calories, I made my own little "Lake Punch". For those of you than can drink and do like diet drinks this is awesome.

Vodka
over ice
a sprinkle of Crystal Light Fruit Punch
Fill with Sprite Zero
Top off with one thick slice of lemon, squeezed and thrown it in to float.

Talk about refreshing... and it's one of those "sneaker" alcohol drinks because really, you can't tell there is any in there until you are working on drink #3. *hiccup*

Half-commitment

2010-07-14T09:41:00.000-07:00

I haven't been very bloggy lately.   I'm not in a venting mood, I've retreated into my own head space to really think some things thru.

Decision time

I decided to stop wrestling with myself and made a somewhat commitment to the Ex. I haven't been dating, just didn't feel like it... too busy working on me both physically and mentally. I was driving myself nuts wrestling between my heart and my head and trying to decide if I cut off from him completely and move on or stay open to trying to fix things between us. The in between limbo was sucking up so much of my energy I was seriously torturing myself on a daily basis.   I knew that I was in no way shape or form ready to cut off communication with him or give up on the hope that this really is what I thought I was going to be, so I went the other direction and let my heart decide.  I told him I am in and willing to wait and see if things can be fixed when he gets back.    It was a relief to put aside the internal struggle.

He is deployed and that makes me really wonder his motivation; Am I just safe and familiar to him and it's the circumstances that is making him say these things?    We shall see. He will be given the opportunity to put his money where his mouth is and prove thru consistent positive actions over time. That's what I've been drilling into his head like he's a 5 year old... any time he asks what he can do to fix things that is my answer, "consistent positive actions over time".   It is fortunate that he's in a position with fairly consistent daily access to communications, supplemented with weekly skype sessions, we've talked more and more honestly (or I should say I've been no holds barred honest about my feelings) about us and the situation than we ever did in the time before he was deployed.

My hurt is not gone, it will take time and effort to undo this last year and get me to that comfortable place again and he knows this.   My making the decision to be open to it, I've made the commitment to myself to start letting go of the hurt. I was holding on to it like it was a security blanket. Who wants that kind of shit for a security blanket?   I was starting to feel that I was placing myself in a victim role and that is no good. I do have control over what I accept and what I won't, this isn't just happening to me. It's my choice and I'm choosing to try and heal and see if there is a new start in the future.   He has work to do, and I do too.

That decision is made. I'm owning it, and will deal with the outcome good or bad when it comes.

Good stuff

I've been working really hard at some physical goals. I've signed up for another 5k that happens in about 3 weeks and have set some goals for changing up my body composition, aka: reduce body fat. I like goals. Goals and working toward them ends in me feeling accomplished and I need that.

By the end of the month I hope to have reduced my body fat by 6%, shave another 30 seconds off of my fitness test, and do 10 "real" push ups.

Much needed family time is coming this weekend too. Heading over the mountains to the other side of the state for a good dose of Granny time. That little 90 year old wig wearing, Costco shopping, card playing, veggie growing lady does wonders for my soul!

Discombobulated

2010-06-16T09:37:00.000-07:00

I can’t seem to get my ish together this week.

Since I don’t really want to do any real head work (aka: haven’t gone back to talk to my counselor because the solutions involve doing things I can’t bring myself to do) and I need a new goal (aka: a distraction and something other than what I really need to be doing but big enough that it makes me feel like I’m accomplishing something) I’m back to focusing on my fitness . This is something I can control. I think I’m still coming out of three years of feeling a whole lot of out of control stuffs and trying to snap out of the fear and worry induced funk that has put me in.

This time, I’m also throwing in some diet changes. Going beyond logging my food and watching calories and this time I’m changing up the types of food I eat and when I eat them. You know, the whole move away from so many processed foods etc.

I’m getting back into the groove. As a general goal, I’ve got about 15lbs I want to lose, but more important is my overall appearance and reducing that body fat. Pretty much re-doing what I have undone over the last three months. Even with 2 weeks of good resistance training and better eating under my belt I see my body responding pretty quickly.

But this week, my goodness. I feel fortunate that I’m making it out the door with pants on in the morning. Two days I’ve woken up and turned off the alarm rather than hit snooze. I haven’t remembered to set the coffee pot or the cat food feeder (yeah, nothing two hours of a wet nose and whiskers in your face in the AM to put you in a great mood). I haven’t had the time to eat my good breakfast and have been hit by the dreaded late night snack attack.

Yeah, this is kind of venting and very random but hey… that’s what my blog is.

I’d like to think I’m handling it well, but I’m thinking that father’s day approaching might have some affect on me. I have not a single person to send a father’s day card to. And here is the PMS (did I forget to mention it’s also THAT week as well?) and hormones talking…. thinking about father’s day leads me to wondering if I’ll ever have my own family. I’m craving it. I’m kind of it right now. Yes, I have my family like my Granny and auntie and uncles, cousins etc but I don’t have that immediate mom/dad or husband/kids family. I’m not really adjusting well to being on my own and as the big four-oh isn’t in the too distant future I wonder if that will ever be a real possibility for me.

Alrighty then, on that light note… I’m off to live in la la land and put together a 4th of July care package for the Ex that swears when he gets back it will all be better and different.

Happy Effin Hump Day!

Grouchy....out!

It's done! Race for the Cure 2010 ...a slow and steady 36 mins

2010-06-07T15:56:00.000-07:00

Done! My first 5k, 2010 Race for the Cure (Susan G. Komen for the Cure). I came in at my exact time goal of 36 mins.

In typical fashion for the Northwest, it rained. As much as I was whining, I think it kind of helped keep me cool.

But the best news is I exceeded my personal goal for donations, my friends and family kicked in for $840! Woo hoo! This is the big fundraising even for our local chapter of Susan G. Komen for the Cure. It's an organization I passionately support was tickled to turn in my donations. *smile*

OK, what's next? I need a new task.

3 never looked so good

2010-05-26T08:54:00.000-07:00

I did it. THANK GAWD...

With less than 2 weeks (that includes a holiday weekend trip to see the fam) to my first 5k I did 3 miles for the first time evah! I will admit that I had a tiny 45sec (yes I timed it) walk at the 2.25 mile point to catch up on my breathing but other than that...

At least now I feel reassured the 5k won't be a total fail.*whew*

WWIT: Confession

2010-05-20T13:33:00.000-07:00

Binge Eating

I am having a serious issue with overeating in the evenings. Standing at the kitchen counter shoveling in an extra 1000 calories when my tummy is uncomfortably full kind of eating.

And it's spiraling. I feel like I've completely undone that hard work I did in January/Feb to get in good shape... and that feeling bad leads me to fill up the hole with more food.

And I don't want to go to counseling. I'm tired of talking about things that are wrong with me.

Schtuff...and feeling kinda stuck

2010-05-10T12:47:00.000-07:00

Mother's Day

I hope all of the amazing Mother's out there enjoyed their celebration. We all know it should be an every day occurance.... celebrating the women that have made us who and what we are. They come in many forms, some gave birth to us, some have been there for us like no other, and many who have stood with us as a support system as we grow and walk thru life.
Bitter sweet day for me. Beautiful memories of my mother and many years together and a reminder that she is gone. This MD #3 that she' hasn't been around and it is developing into something different. More on the fond memories side than heavy with the sadness.

I had a really different kind of Mother's Day sadness hit me this weekend. I could feel it creeping in on Friday. Something about this year felt more about me rather than about my mom. This weekend I was feeling a sadness over not having a family of my own. With my mom gone and my relationship with my step-dad falling apart at the same time, I don't feel like I have that first level of family. MY family... my primary family. It made me sad to think that in that particular sense I am alone... it's just me. No partner, no kids. I still hope that being a mom and having MY family is in my future but the reality that that time may pass me by hit home this weekend.

C25K

Oh boy, the 5k training hasn't been so hot these last two weeks. I have lingering respiratory crap from a chest cold I had a month ago and it's really draining me and making it hard to get my butt in gear on the running. I keep trying and I can tell each time that's it's more difficult than it should be. My lungs feel like they are only running at 80%, breathing heaving comes faster than it should and I've been just flat out tired.

I haven't been on the treadmill since last Wednesday when I did Week 5 - Day #2 of the C25K program. I know I'm behind. I'm going to try a repeat of that work out because I know Week 5- Day #2 25min solid run would not be happening right now.

Wish me luck and let’s hope I don't lose a lung tonight!

Oh yeah... "what was I thinking"

I thnk I may have neglected to mention that I've fallen back into the bad habit of The Ex. This may end up as one for the "What was I thinking" hall of fame. I'm sure it's keeping me held back from and kind of stuck in the past. Baby steps. As much as he is pushing and pouring it on THICK, I have made it clear that there isn't any kind of possibility of us having a relationship until he gets back. Neither he nor I can make a decision while he is deployed, we'll see how he feels when he's back in the real world and if I'm available. In the mean time, he's doing his best to do things and say things to make sure he's not forgotten. *eh* Easy to do when you are isolated.

C25K Iphone app is THE BEST!!

2010-04-22T09:25:00.000-07:00

I love it I love it I love it.

Seriously, anyone trying the Couch to 5k program that has an iphone must get the program. I don't know how they do it, but within the application it takes you to your itunes library and you make song list for your running and they give audio ques over your music for your walk/run cycles.

It keeps track of each session and you can even directly post your progress to facebook.

Pretty slick, just choose which workout day you are on and hit start... music up and off you go!

Since I'm behind and I'm not a couch potato I stared with Week 2. Even coming off my illness it's too easy. It was good to test out my lungs but I added on some additional running. Tomorrow I'm going to jump into week 3: two rounds of 1.5 min run/1.5 min walk, 3 min run/3 min walk.

I have a feeling I will work thru this one only twice (instead of 3 times for the week) and then move on to week 4 but we shall see.

Did I mention that I think this app is super coolio?

Couch to 5K

C25K iphone application

C25K Update

2010-04-21T13:18:00.000-07:00

So 6 weeks until my 5k and I sadly haven't trained at all. I've been sick with some gunk in my chest and when I attemped to run on Monday I was coughing so hard I not only came close to choking on my own phlem, I also pretty much peed my pants. That is aweome. *heh*

Now the powers of Google had lead me to a couple of training plans for "5k in 6 weeks" and I'm going to give a shot at it again this evening.

Wish me and my depends luck!

This kid needs a blog

2010-04-20T12:08:00.000-07:00

Seriously, Passive Agressive Notes makes my day.

Good/Odd Weekend and Monday Therapy in a nutshell

2010-04-12T14:43:00.000-07:00

Got shit on... literally, from head to toe by a bird on my way to Friday night dinner and drinks. Apparently in at least two different cultures this is considered incredible good luck. I consider it a stinky gross inconvenience.

Back home, changed clothes, washed hair, changed purses, disinfected my phone... and out the door again to finally have dinner at 9pm.

Too much tequila.

Was reminded that I still got it... which lead to the too much tequila. Who can turn down a free drink from a nice gentleman? What was that? OMG it's flirting.... fun!!

Slept away Saturday.

Beautiful beautiful Sunday, nice long walk around the hood in the fresh air.

Sunday was topped off with an amazing evening with two of my very bestest friends. Drank wine, ate cheese, hot tubing with a bottle of proseco and then a fabulous meal while watching my fav. Sunday evening show (Amazing Race if you must know)

Therapy Session #2 took a turn for the unexpected, how did we end up talking about my relationship with the Ex? I really didn't want to talk about that... but maybe I needed to. I walked away thinking "that's not what I wanted" and it certainly wasn't what I was expecting. *eh* crap.

I'm doing a 5k....Couch Potato to 5K (C25K) - Week 1/2

2010-04-12T11:44:00.000-07:00

A couple of years ago I made it my goal to be able to jog around my favorite park trail. It's 2.8 miles around the little lake and as I'd walk I think "man, if I could ever jog around here it would be great". I started with super baby steps, inside on the treadmill away from as many viewers as possible. At that point, I couldn't have even done a solid mile. I eventually did get to the point of being able to jog around that lake...twice... like twice total, not twice around all at once...and felt like I was going to puke at the end but I did it. I am so not a runner. I'm not sure my body is built for that, but heck, it kicked off the last 10lbs I had to lose and was a challenge that I conquered!

Two years later and I can still do a mile plus and not die, but really lost the progress that I had made.

I promised myself that this year I was going to the Komen Race for the Cure 5k instead of the walk. *gasp* Now we are 8 weeks away and I haven't done shit to get ready for it so I'm trying the couch potato to 5k route. I don't have the full 9 weeks but looked at the program and I think I'm far beyond week one so OK to skip it.

I found that they have a super little app for my iphone that will give me audio cues over top of my own selected music and track my work outs.

So here we go with week 2 of the program:

3 times; alternate 90 seconds of jogging with 2 minutes of walking for 20 mins.

I feel like this will be fairly simple, I'll have to get in one day while I'm out of town visiting the Best Grandma in the World.

Here I go... Run! SS Run!

Oh how do I love thee thinkgeek.com

2010-04-01T17:10:00.000-07:00

My First Bacon

"Velveteen pork flesh and super soft fleece fat" *peeing*

How can you not love a website that sells My First Bacon and Giant Plush Microbs? I think mange is kinda cute. *wink wink*

The Next Chapter

2010-04-01T10:43:00.000-07:00

Therapy.

Not grief counseling...not help after a tragic accident...not help dealing with a grieving dad...

Therapy. For my other "issues".

I never expected for grief counseling to turn into this but I'm taking a step to figure out some stuffs about myself. Things that I actually started to realize or think about after reading another blog.

I want to figure out why I beat myself up so much for being and doing things less than perfect. In theory I know I'm not perfect, don't really expect anyone to be perfect...so why can't I just enjoy what I do and my accomplishments without thinking "Oh well but I should have done this too." I can't even enjoy down time because I'm always thinking "I should be at the gym" or "I should be doing blah blah blah instead" There is always something I should be, should have, could have done or be doing to squash my happy feelings. It's not 100% of the time that I do this, but a great deal of the time.

It appears that I'm my own biggest obstacle to enjoying my life and having the happiness that I desire.

Why do I do that?

I made an appointment with my counselor, and that's what I'm going to do my best to find out. I'm a little afraid to find out I'm more broken than I even imagined.

What a difference a day makes!

2010-03-18T09:16:00.000-07:00

Yesterday my plane tickets were taking me to the Heartland.

Today I'm feeling more Tropical Island!

Of course it's a long story, the short story:

An early R&R had me heading to the Heartland next week to spend time with the Ex. I don't know why I kept expecting any different, but to keep it short I will just say I believed his words (with just enough action to back it up) and was yet again setting myself up for disappointment.

This time is different. It's hard to admit it. It hurts to admit it. This relationship is just flat out over. I knew it all along deep down inside but it was just to painful to deal with the truth. It was also too hard to admit that I had been a fool for love. I let myself get strung along. It was hard for me to understand how someone that I loved could do that and even harder to admit that I didn't stand up for myself and let it happen.

The turmoil is over
I don't know why I fought against what I knew deep down inside all year long. Maybe it was because I couldn't stand the thought of losing yet something else in my life. I was clinging to the idea of what I thought I had and the life I had been building with this man.

I've been here before. This is a pattern, me hanging on even when I know it's not right. This will be something to explore with my counselor. I want to know why I do this and how to change it. I thought I was already there but I'm obviously not.

Here is the kicker

This is exactly where I was last year. Yes, this same time last year I had booked a last minute "graduation" trip for myself to a Tropical Pacific Island as a "this is the kind of thing I don't do, have never done, but I'm doing it!" kind of move.

This year, well, I'm a year older and could feel like I've wasted a year but instead I'm thinking of it as an opportunity for a re-do. Last year when I had this spark and feeling of starting off on something new in my life the something new turned out to be a heartbreaking break up, a horrific auto accident, and a dissolving of the relationship with my dad.

It really hit me last night and I'm kind of stuck on this thought. A year gone by and I really am back in the same place. Like a groundhog year.

This year I am in a different place. I've learned a lot. I've healed somewhat. This year I get a big fat DO OVER on the new me. How often do you get this? I feel like the man above is saying, "OK, SS, I watched you struggle... let's try this again."

So....anywho...

Two days to go and Aloha! Peace out.

WHY DIDN'T I KNOW ABOUT THE DEALS WEB SITES?!?

2010-02-18T13:30:00.000-08:00

If you haven't checked them out .... do so ASAP.

I got turned on to two "deals" web sites that I'm loving. Of course a little pizzed that I missed out on two deals for things that I was buying anyway...one being the cooking class I just took! That's how I found out about it, one of the guys asked "Did you get this thru Groupon" ::crickets:: ::blank stare:: "Uh no... what is that?" "Oh cool thanks.. good to know I could have done this for 1/2 the price"

Groupon.com

Every day they offer up a new "deal" for your respective area...good deals like 50% off restaurants and services and fun stuff! If enough people are interested and click to buy, the deal is "ON" and you get your groupon for the offer. If they don't get enough people then the deal is "OFF" and you aren't out anything.

LivingSocial.com

Very similar to Groupon, BUT if you buy a deal and three of your friends buy it as well yours is FREE! I love FREE. Can't beat that... planning a girls night? You buy a $30 restaurant certificate for $15 (great deal all by itself) then your girlfriends buy the same and yours is free.

If you follow this link and sign up for email notifications you get $5 coupon bucks to use toward your first purchase... and yes, I'd get $5 too once you make a purchase. I'm just sayin, if you are inclined to join the mailing list why not get $5? Sign up for Living Social here and get $5!

Cake, 90th Birthdays, Cooking Class, Vday... and stuff

2010-02-18T11:09:00.000-08:00

90...that's a lot of years under your belt

My beloved Granny turned 90 this week. I travled back home for a little celebration.

It involved a hummingbird cake and a bouquet of 90 roses.

I'm quite proud of myself for making this little beauty.

And after....

And my Auntie put together the amazing flowers...

(I really really hope I got some of those good Norwegian genes of hers)

Vday Swap

The Mrs. hosted a Valentines Day swap and my swap partner Miss TRBS over at Shepdogg sent me the most thoughful gift. She took some pictures of my mom from my blog and put them together in a collage. It was really touching. Oooo... and I got one of those tubes that you microwave for sore neck & shoulders which is perfect since those get so tight on me with my work outs. Thanks again!

Cooking Class

A one point my counselor said she'd really like to see me tap into my creative side. You know, take some sort of class to get me out of my own analytical head space and try and switch some gears in my brain. So what did I do? I started thinking about school, GMAT tests, graduate programs and buying a condo. Just about the opposite of creative. BUT, I did eventually come up with something that I think fit the bill and was interesting to me. (local pottery class was already full *bummer*) I signed up for a cooking class and it was this week. Overal it was fun, but not quite as hands on as I was looking for. I knew the format going in... "Cooking Party" vs. "Instructor Intensive" but it was even less hands on than I would have liked. It made me kind of sad at one point becuase it was mostly couples and groups of couples taking it together. Reminded me of what I'm missing. *great*

Stuff

I've been feeling pretty lost, loney, and unaccomplished lately. I just can put my finger on what it will take for me to not feel this way anymore. I'm trying to just live in the moment and enjoy my life. I've had so much on my plate to deal with the last couple of years I feel like I've lost the ability to just live. I feel like I need to be doing something BIG, accomplishing something, working on a grand goal, helping someone, even being in crisis mode. ( I know that last one sucks but it's how I've been operating a lot)

Every morning I wake up and tell myself that I'm choosing to be happy and joyful and living my life to the fullest for that day but it doesn't take long for all the worry and trying to get control takes over.

I really wanted to talk to The Ex and got a "ring twice then the call is gone" kind of deal from him on Wednesday night. That sucks, not like I can just ring him back. Haven't gotten a call, email or skype from him since. I'm not feeling worried, this time it's all about me... I felt I needed to hear his voice. He can still say a few words and clam me.

Stuff from the accident I was in this summer is starting to roll. I had managed to kind of stuff it all away in the back of my head but now things are getting started it brings up unexpected feelings. I know getting it all started means the end is closer but the reality of dealing with insturance companies and lawyers is just *bleh*. I do feel better having an attorney, that means I don't have to talk to folks and try to deal with insurance companies myself but it's something I'd rather not be doing. I guess the good part is that my insurance pays for him.

This is pretty much enough rambling on for now. Back to work!

It's a sign...I'm telling you, it's a sign

2010-02-08T09:42:00.000-08:00

On Friday I retracted the offer I had in on a condo. When you are buying a condo you get a shit load of paperwork on the HOA and their financial positions, rules, regulations etc. It's called their Resale Certificate. It was almost 200 pages of eye crossing put you to sleep reading.

Me being me, I'm all into the details and did my due diligence and saw some stuff I don't like. Particularly a 30% increase in the HOA dues and still not enough will be in their reserve funds to cover the maintenance that will be required in the next 2-3 years. (It's a late 70's building).

So buy buy offer. I was not comfortable with what I saw.

BUT BUT BUT... here is where "the sign" comes in.

On the exact same day I took my other offer off the table, this unit came back on the market. *yay me* They had an open house on Saturday so I went to take a look. The issue with this one turns out to be some lack of storage. The storage on thet deck is maybe 1/2 of what I have not and there is no storage in the laundry closet (just big enough for a stackable units) and only an ity bity coat closet. In exchange for that lack of storage, I gain a 3/4 bath. So some give & take and it would be a very sweet deal if I can get it down to the top of my price range.

Making an offer today. Wish me luck!

A hug from my mom

2010-02-04T13:08:00.000-08:00

This last week I’ve been CRAVING physical contact with my mom. I’ve tried to connect in a spiritual/mental way, trying to hear her voice in my head and at times feeling that nothing short of being able to touch her will do. At times I almost felt in a panic knowing that I won’t ever be able to get that feeling again, to put my arms around her, to just have her there physically in front of me to touch and hear her laugh. It’s been too long, what if I forget how she feels? What if I forget the sound of her voice? I have a few recording of her. I wish I had saved ever voice mail she left me. I use to laugh listening to the answering machine or voice mail when she’d call back 4 times in a row to say things she forgot the first time. The messages would always start out the same and almost sounded like a re-mix, “Hey kiddo…. “ “Hey kiddo….” “Hey kiddo…” What I wouldn’t do to have those now.

The night before last I had a little breakdown, or it could be called a breakthrough of sorts. I’ve tried to talk to her on occasion but it often doesn’t feel natural. I don’t feel connected to the spirit that I’m trying to have the talk with. I know her spirit is with me always and I know it was her that saved my life as my guardian angel when I was in a really bad car accident this summer. ( I have a visual of her just split seconds before the accident fighting thru the separation between her new world and my world to protect her baby and shield me… she wasn’t a forceful person in general, but don’t mess with the Mama Bear!) Other than in a dream the night before her funeral (which was also my birthday) I’ve never been able to create that feeling of really talking to her. I’ve heard people tell stories of how things have happened and they know their loved one is there or how they hear a voice or feel something that lets them know that spirit is present. I want that. I’ve been trying and asking for that experience. Well, I had it. It wasn’t quite as strong or dramatic as I imagined it, but I felt her. I got a hug from my mom.

I was on the couch watching a woman on TV express how she had been holding on to regrets over things not said when her father passed. It was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Not because I relate to her having regrets, just the opposite. What a gift my mom gave me, she passed leaving me with no regrets. That is two sided, my actions played a part in that as well but she literally told me, “Do not have any regrets. I don’t want you to think you didn’t do enough or help enough”.

I sat on the couch crying and saying “Thank you. Thank you so much for giving that to me.” They were tears that didn’t come from sadness. It was emotion that I felt as overwhelming appreciation and thanks for that gift. As much as I’ve hurt, and sad as I still am that my mom is gone, thank god I don’t live with the burden of regret.

I continued to talk to her, I told her some of the things that I was feeling. With my eyes closed and covered with my hands, I cried and told her I missed her. I also told her I knew I was going to be just fine, but boy wouldn’t it be better if she were still here. I told her about how much fun my Granny and I were having when we spend time together. I even laughed thru my tears with some of the things I had to tell her. And then I got my hug. It’s hard to explain, it wasn’t like a real physical hug, I didn’t feel her arms around me. With my eyes closed and still flowing tears there was a visual of her. I could see me sitting on the couch and her face and somewhat of a form of an upper body where there in front of me. As her arms extended they kind of turned into a foggy mist that started over the top of my head and slowly cascaded down over my shoulders and enveloped me. As this was happening I felt the greatest release of tension in my body. I knew she was there and she was comforting me.

Randoms stuff in my head

2010-01-27T10:58:00.000-08:00

1. I'm kind of disappointed that I haven't heard a word from the step dad over the last few months. I didn't really blog about it in detail, and I still might, but basically he has had a really hard time dealing with my mom's passing. In a nut shell, he isn't dealing with his grief at all and it turned him into someone I didn't know and I was the unfair target of his anger. It kind of came to a head this summer, well, and I haven't heard from him since August. I thought maybe my birthday he would reach out...nada. Thought maybe Christmas.....nada. Oh well, I just pray that he is getting the help he needs and live my life the best that I can.

Oh and FYI, yes, I've tried over and over since she passed to maintain the relationship only to get burned over and over so after long talks and some insight from my grief counselor it was suggested that for my own progress I needed to step back until he's able to get help or get past his anger.

2. Still waiting on my condo. I knew it was going to be a wait and I'm doing OK with that... but of course I'm getting ants in my pants. Last night I found myself browsing the isles of Big Box Home Improvement Store just to get ideas and see how much some things would cost to upgrade & replace. It was AWESOME! I'm thinking I may have to ditch the whole accounting thing and become a contractor. We shall see how I feel about that when I actually have my own home to maintain.

3. The guy situation. He really seems to be trying to win me back, even from afar. Last week I got a super exciting gift from him. This gift may just involve me spending this coming Saturday at an amazing day spa up the the mountains. This general location also happens to be one of "our" spots.... one of our fist dates, return visits for romantic getaways and hikes in the woods. I am so looking forward to the day of pampering I can hardly stand myself. He sure knows the way to this woman's heart is thru the spa! lol. I'm only 1/2 kidding, I know there is more to this than being wooed by amazing thoughtful gifts from 1/2 around the world.... but I'm sure not going to turn it down.

4. The Mrs just sent out her Valentine Swap partners and I'm really excited. I participated in her Christmas swap and it was a lot of fun. To me, it's so interesting to see what someone you only "know" thru a blog come up.

5. I have some good stuff to look forward to. My most awesome bestest cutest funnies Granny is turning 90 next month! Sheesh that's old! I'll be heading over to the other side of the state to celebrate with her and the rest of the fam. I'm about due for another dose of good family time. You know, those people that totally get my sarcasm (because they are the cause of it!), know my history and where I'm coming from. Dysfunctional as we can be, these people have got my back and I love them.

6. I love Skype.

7. I have written about my fitness goals for awhile. That’s because I had some bumps in the road, lost ½ of my previous progress, two months of maintaining only over the holidays (but good god, with all the cookies I ate it’s a miracle that I managed to offset that with the exercise), but this last week I finally put my heart and soul into it and I made progress!! Lost 2.8lbs but better than that my measurements changed and I’m back to the same lean muscle mass that I was in August and within half a pound of being at that same weight again too. I don’t have a lot to lose, but round about 12 lbs to get to my comfortable weight and a size where I’m fitting into all my clothes again. *whew*

Bring it on 2010. I feel in a generally good mental state to tackle some of the challenges I know I have coming up…. I’m prepared. I will prevail. I will be living the best life that I can.

To forget... or not to forget?

2010-01-18T10:53:00.000-08:00

Is my mind playing a trick on me or am I ready to let go of a past hurt?

The Ex and I have slipped into what feels like our old relationship flow. As much of a flow as there can be with him being deployed, but since the majority of our relationship has been apart this feels pretty normal for us.

I knew we'd be in contact while he was deployed, we did leave it as "friends" after all. This is feeling a lot different than friends. It feels like we're partners again. He's looking after me even from the other side of the globe, we're sharing the sweet nothings and tenderness that certainly isn't something I do with "friends", to the best of his ability he is letting me know if there are going to be communication issues and then checks back in as soon and as often as he can. THIS is the man I loved, not the man that broke my heart. It’s a bit twisted that it is happening now that he is deployed, but I feel like he’s putting in the effort to “prove it” to me…. that is the feeling I had been trying to get all summer/fall.

It's so easy for me to get wrapped up in this and feel like all is OK and back to what it was before our difficulties hit last spring. Is that just a trick my mind is playing or is it OK for me to let go of that hurt from the past and just be OK with this? Am I creating a situation in my head that doesn't really exist because that is less painful than dealing with reality? Or am I at that point that I've worked thru my feelings and can finally let the hurt go and take him back as he's been asking? Is this the bolt of lightning/slap in the face/sign in the clouds that I've been waiting for? Could the sign really be as simple as me feeling content?

You know, right or wrong, good or bad choice, for now I’m OK with not feeling so damn heartbroken and hurt.

The Waiting Game

2010-01-11T15:50:00.000-08:00

Patience is a virtue.... good things come to those who wait...blah blah blah.

Therefore I am short one important virtue.

2010 is starting off as a waiting game for moi.

- Waiting for my first care packages to hit their target (check this one off, mission complete)
- Waiting on answers regarding my condo purchase
- Waiting on police departments and insurance companies so I can put an accident from this summer behind me
- Waiting for me to get off my duff and update my blog layout (how many months ago was October?)
- Waiting for a lighten bolt, slap in the face, name written in the clouds, something to help me make some big decisions already.

OK, so two of the 4 open items are actually waiting for me to take action. Hmmmmm....so not only am I lacking the virtue of patience, I'm also a procrastinator. How the hell do those two wide up in the same personality. Talk about a life long conflict.

"How much human life is lost in waiting?" Ralph Waldo Emerson

“We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” Joseph Campbell

cakey update...the eagle has landed Have cake will travel....

2010-01-10T14:26:00.000-08:00

** Update #2 - The verdict**

Well done Wire a cake, well done

First and most important the cake arrived in perfect condition on the exact day of his birthday. He didn't get a chance for any pictures be everyone was dying for him to cut into it and he was sharing the birthday sugar high.

Lets give *two snaps up half way around the world to the sandbox and back snap* for Wire A Cake - HB Bakery Connection.

OMG where was my cake!?
There was some drama and one upset soldier's "friend"pacing in front of her computer this week. There was some issues with the address (no error of mine or the bakery) and part of the info was missing. I get a call earlier in the week from a very irritated sounding Ex "S... basically the address is FUCKED ....." Non of the packages I had sent had arrived and I just knew the cake wasn't going to make it. Thankfully there was enough information and I got a call last night that all of it arrived at the same time along with the cake ON his birthday.

Look at that, birthday cake and packages all on THE day.

REMINDER TO SELF: On some scale this was a case of "...may not always come when you call, but always on time". I'm always amazed how something that throws me off and isn't what was planned reveals itself later to be exactly what it should have been.

Maybe one of these days I'll remember that up front and not get so worked up about things. But that is super hard for me.

** Update**

The birthday cake is on its way and today and they so kindly send along a photo before they send them along to far away lands.

I have to say, if the product itself is half as wonderful as the communication and customer service I've recevied it will be worth it a million times over. I do believe it was the owner, Debora George, that I spoke to on the phone and sent me the emails.

I figured I'd also share the link to the video that I came across when looking for some place that does this kind of shipping.

Sending Cakes Overseas - Debora George -Wire A Cake

The cake itself is in a tin, frosted with butter cream and then wrapped in a sheet of fondant so the frosting won't stick to places it shouldn't. They have lots of decorations to choose from including the service branches OR if you can even supply your own photo.

OK enough already. Will update when we get the word from the other side and in the mean time.

I don't have a lot of readers, so would ask that all of you with bigger readership post about this if you feel inspired to share. I would love for folks to know more about this resource! Oh yeah, they also participate with Soldiers Angels if you wish to sponsor/donate.

http://www.wireacake.com/
HB Bakery Connection

**************

This will be interesting. At leat I think so, I'm curious how it will turn out.

I sent a cake to the sand box.

Googled some words, picked a link, saw a video. OK, that will work and off I went.

It's the effort that counts, right? Nothing says "Happy Birthday Soldier" like a tin full of sugar and flour, and hopes hopes hopes that it arrives in one piece.

Wire A Cake - HB Bakery Connectionif anyone is curious. I'll report back with at least a before picture, which the company will send to me before my dear little cake takes flight.

I'm obviously still in relationship limbo land but it feels OK for now. Got a very poor quality call (as in I couldn't hear him but he heard me) on Christmas and a clear as a bell call the other day. It makes me happy to hear his voice and that's what I'm rolling with for the time being.

Don't fence me in

2010-01-06T14:33:00.000-08:00

I finished up my mortgage application paperwork during a lunch meeting with my lender today. I maybe shouldn't have been so concerned about getting that right combo of grape, chicken, and almond on my fork and paid more attention, but it was pretty straight forward. This kind of stuff and process makes sense to me for the most part. Put anything together in a format that looks even vaguely like a tax form and I get all excited so it was painless.

That is until, "What if I want to pick up and move this summer?" popped into my head.... "What am I going to do being tied down like this, I can't just pack up and go!?!"

This is the biggest commitment of my life. It holds me down to one particular place. Even to have a wedding ring, that doesn't mean I have to stay in this same city and neighborhood for a good bit of time.

"Oh my this could be a real issue" says Me to Me.

BUT ONLY IF I WAS THE TYPE OF PERSON TO MOVE ON A WHIM WHICH I'VE NEVER DONE IN MY LIFE NEVER MOVE OUTISDE THIS STATE AND HAVE RENTED THE SAME APARTMENT FOR THE LAST 5 YEARS!

I find it interesting that my brain is making up such unrealistic fears. Why would that even be a worry? Why would I be concerned about losing a freedom that I never even took advantage of in the first place?

Dude. I need help.

Almost PeopleofWalmart.com worthy

2010-01-03T16:39:00.000-08:00

Lets Play a Game!!!!

Can you find the subject of this picture?

No, it's not the lonely little chocolate milk lost in the sea of soda and milk....

Hmmmm, the two ladies aren't wearing their underwear as outerwear, PJs, disco costume, or clown wig and all their body parts are safely tucked in where they should be....

And not a Cousin Eddy in sight (at least not in the picture)...

*hint hint* It would fall into the category "Kids of Walmart"

Complete random time waster...aka:ish I do at work during a holiday week

2009-12-30T16:12:00.000-08:00

If you haven't already, take a look.

Hell, submit a few of your own and then let me know so I can feel some sort of personal connection to the sites.

Awkward Family Photos
Sketchy Santas
People of Walmart

Merry Christmas!

2009-12-23T13:37:00.000-08:00

Times are good, mimosas have been the beverage of choice at work today and I'm off to spend time with my family.

I wonder why and what it is that makes me go thru the funky times becuase as quickly as this last one crept up on me it has gone bye bye. I'm not complaining, that is a good thing.

I think I find some peace from letting go of this almost constant stuggle I have trying to do what I'm suppose to do or what logically is the "right thing" in my life. Currenly with my love ~~semi love what the eff am I doing~~ life. When I decide that it is OK to not necessarily make the most logical decision and give myself permission to ride things out and just live in the now with what makes me happy I feel oh so much better. Internal battles suck big holiday cheese balls.

I've been fortunate to have some decent communication with the Ex. so I know for the time being he's safe and at his final destination. I remind myself that he is in a better situation than a lot of the soldiers and trust in his skills and blessings from God to allow him to save lives and take care of them.

Merry Christmas to everyone, wishing holiday blessings and special prayers out to our heros and their families.

Wow.

2009-12-17T09:11:00.000-08:00

I don't really know how to process this.

We aren't together anymore, but we haven't really let go either. The man still has a hold on my heart.

The time came, he is gone.... deployment is here.

Received email this morning with as much of an update as he can give, and tells me from his heart that I am still his girl.

I offer my prayers and love and suport and have no idea what this really means.

Suck.

And now the goodie gumdrops stuff!

2009-12-16T15:06:00.000-08:00

And being predictable I'm compelled to talk about the good stuff and things I'm feeling super duper (yeah I said super duper) good about.

Condo shopping

My agent is putting together the paperwork for an offer on a condo. It is a short sale so is going to take some time but there is no financial barrier to me taking my offer off the table at any time. In the mean time we'll keep our eyes peeled for anything that I like better. I'm in no rush, my first home purchase isn't going to be perfect, but it's perfect if the price is right!

This....

and this.....

And after way to many of the above.. I mean, that was cookie monster and not me... I'm glad that I have been consistently in the gym. Not making any big progress but at least enough to burn off what I've been shoving in my face.

My family is mending

Thanksgiving was such a great gathering and we had so much fun! It reminds me of old times (like 4 years ago old times). I was so worried that we would be broken forever and that just wasn't the case. Ten golf umbrellas, three broken thermometers and a bagillion of the best Irish Coffees later we had delish deep friend turkey and all the trimmings.

I kind of skipped town for Christmas last year because I couldn't stand the thought of another horrible downer dripping with loss and grief holiday. I went with my boyfriend to meet his family and celebrate with them and it was awesome. A family that was full of love and cheer and laughter. I was craving that and missing that in my own family.

We're BACK! I can't wait to get back with them for Christmas next week. We are also adding in my uncle's family this year so it will be a big gathering for us. I'm in charge of Christmas Eve dinner for 16! Bring it on... . Christmas Vacation, A Christmas Story, Wii bowling, more of the best Irish Coffees in the world. Mmmmm, mmmm, mmmmm. Good times. Now if my Granny could only remember what she did with the boxes that I had delivered to her house on Saturday it will be perfect. *sigh*

Friends Stuff

I have lots coming up before I leave too. The celebration of one of my BFF's birf day on Saturday, more cookie and holiday goodie baking on Sunday. I'm taking my friend's 13 year old daughter under my wing and showing her how it's done... cookies from scratch. This will be her first scratch baking experience.

And I'm glad that I still manage to peek thru the tough emotional times and appreciate all that I do have.

Oh and Rudolph

You have to check out this hilarious take on the classic Rudolph. It my favorite from childhood and this blogger's view point seeing it for the first time as an adult is awesome.

Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year to everyone!!!

Ehh...whatever

2009-12-16T12:12:00.000-08:00

Notes to self

NTS#1: When you are feeling like this, big time indicator you need to go to the counselor for a tune up

NTS #2: Realizing that the counselor is going to be more than the "grief" counselor you previously sought out. As the layers of ick peel back I'm realizing that there are more issues at work here than just the grief. Kind of like the grief opened up pandora's box. I'd rather get this figured out now so I can grow. Don't feel bad little self, they aren't major just the little things and behaviors you have learned over the years that may now be limiting you.

NTS#3 Stop beating yourself up so damn much! Good lawd, nobody expects you to be perfect. They accept you and your warts, why can't you accep them yourself? What good does it do to keep making yourself feel bad over things that nobody else even cares about? Get over it, live your life and enjoy it already.

NTS#4: You were already aware that this was going to be a process and that in the process there would be good patches and bad. Remember when the bad patches come that they will go away and don't forget that they are getting shorter and shorter in length, fewer and further between and all that good progress stuff.

NTS#5: It all worked out OK for Bridget Jones in the end, so don't worry.

I won the Boobie Prize, literaly - Mammogram Part II

2009-12-04T11:02:00.000-08:00

Probably more than anyone wanted to know but I'm posting just in case the journey to getting my baseline mammogram might take some of the fear and mystery out of it for another woman.

I had my first mammogram last month. Again, typically not done at my age but I now have a "family history" so I start early.

I received a letter in the mail from the Breast Center stating that the radiologist would like to get some additional images. This wasn't scary, I had been told that in about 10% of mammograms (and more so in baseline images and in younger women who have dense breasts) they ask for additional images to check things out.

See all that white... it hides images of tumors. (FYI not my boob)

I went in for my follow up yesterday. They told me it was only the right side and I asked so the tech showed me what my images looked like and the area that was in question. My breast tissue is asymmetrical, I have more dense and glandular tissue in the right side and there were areas of interest that they wanted to flatten out more and see if they could image all the way thru to make sure it wasn't hiding anything. Cool. I understand that. Better safe than sorry. These spot images placed a little more pressure on da boobie than the first mammogram did. Still nothing I would call painful.

Different than the first time, they take the images into the radiologist while you wait to make sure they have all the images they want. So I wait. I'm cold sitting in my little hospital cape thing. I'm also wondering why there are two women sitting there in nice plush robes and I only got a cape.... boy, they must have some mighty fine insurance!

I get called in for some MORE images. This time they want to "roll" the breast and get some different angles and the tech says "Dr. S indicated that she will most likely also send you for an ultrasound" Hmmmm. This is turning out to be more testing than I thought. What does she see that she wants to hit it with an ultra sound? Is the tech just being polite in assuring me this is all fairly standard with masses of dense tissue like I'm sporting in my right boobie.

Off I go to ultrasound. That was downright pleasant... low lighting, lying on a comfy bed, the soft hummmmm of the machine. Oh, wait, now there is a strange woman massaging warm gel all over my breast. Eh, whatever.

When the tech leaves to go take the images to the radiologist I look over at the screen. WTF is that big black void in the middle of the image and why did she take so many pictures of it? Don't get worked up, she say with a smile on her face, "Well that was a lot of work for nothing".

See the cyst? (again, not mine)

The radiologist comes in to explain everything to me. That big black void (or more correctly it was two different black holes) are fluid filled cysts. Those are totally inconsequential. Everything looked OK. They didn't see anything that looked like a tumor hiding in all that dense tissues HOWEVER the protocol is that I now get mammograms every freakin 6 months for the next two years. Looks benign, acts benign, will be considered benign and that's what they do to establish my "normal".

Basically, I feel like I literally won the Boobie Prize for the day.

No worries and if that's what I have to do to establish a good baseline image then so be it but I can't say the longer it went on and the more tests I had to do that I wasn't praying in between.

So I'll still shout from the rooftops...when the time comes... LADIES GO GET YOUR MAMMOGRAMS!

Pups missing daddy...videos you have to see

2009-12-02T09:52:00.000-08:00

Oh my goodness, these are some sweet reunions.

Check out more of the videos of service members reuniting with their pups here.

Blessed & Thankful

2009-11-24T12:02:00.000-08:00

I had an early start to Thanksgiving on Sunday. One of my mom's dear friends invited me over to have Sunday/early Thanksgiving dinner with her and her family. It was so warm and inviting; I truly did appreciate being included with their family and bless her heart for making sure her friend's daughter is being looked after. I really have a new collection of mothers and it's pretty cute to see them step up and give the same rounds of 20 questions that my mom would have when it comes to anything from men, career, and life in general.

It's never fails. At times when I'm worried about emotions that will hit me around the holidays I have been extremely blessed with friends and family and unexpected opportunities to see the warm and loving nature of people.

I'm getting ready to leave for the other side of the state and Thanksgiving with my Granny and the rest of the family. My uncle has moved back up from Texas so it will be a great addition to have him around for the holiday dinner. Slowly my family seems to be putting itself back together after we seemed to have lost our "glue". The dynamics are shifting and it's an interesting mix of new and different along with old and reliable.

I am thankful for so many things in my life. I am surrounded by so much love and a family that some of us were born into and others have been added along the way. I have my family, I have my health, I have a roof over my head, food in my belly, and really everything I need.

I wish everyone to have as many blessings as I have this holiday season. Eat, drink and be merry!

How am I suppose to keep emotions out of this?!?

2009-11-20T13:57:00.000-08:00

::sigh::

I am already like a crack fiend waiting for that little email to pop up telling me there is a new listing.

I've already got bent out of shape over a place that I wanted but due to some shady listing practice already had an offer as soon as it was listed. (I don't quite know all the details but my agent said it wasn't right)

I've been told that if I can keep emotions out of it, we can consider short sales so I can get a great deal. And trust, there are more short sales than regular sales in the hood where I'm looking. I'm not worried that it will be a bad investment, it's just that 2 years ago prices were soaring. This is a sound and desireable neighborhood.

I have to share, here is the place I was upset about today. It's exactly what I was looking for...with the exclusion of the nasty wall paper and outdated appliances. Those are easy changes. 2 bedroom, 1.75 bath, huge deck with extra storage. :::BIG sigh:::

All righty.. I'm off to poke someones eyes out and be grumpy. Have wonderful weekends!

Feet Wet

2009-11-18T13:56:00.000-08:00

Got my feet wet last night. I did my first round of looking at condos. It was a really good experience but how odd was it to be in folks’ homes and opening cupboards and looking in closets. I was really hesitant at first but by the 3rd unit I was all up in it.

I learned some things that I like and some I definitely don't. It was a good start and now I have some things under my belt for comparison purposes. Frustrating to find a unit that I really liked the space and the bedrooms and the master bath was AWESOME but it was the strangest set up to get from the parking to the building. Creepy and I'm in the land of rain that doesn't stop all winter, like I'm willing to go for a hike with my groceries? Don't think so.

Now I sit staring at my email and the listing sights like I'm a crack fiend and the new listing is my dealing pulling into the driveway with a goodie!

Hi ho...hi ho... condo shopping I will go....

2009-11-16T15:28:00.000-08:00

I'm nervous as hell, but I'm doing it. I'm taking the step from browsing on the internet to actually getting an agent and making appointments to go look at some condos!

What am I doing? I'm not too sure myself other than getting tired of renting. I have been saving and thinking that "someday" I will use that money for a down payment on a house for me and my family. Hmmm. No family, why wait? Why not buy something for me?

Three years ago when I'd be out walking I'd pull fliers and see how ridonkulous prices for "apartments" in my neighborhood are. Frustrated that I couldn't even afford to buy a small condo in the neighborhood where I'm currently renting. Guess what, prices are falling and I'm no longer priced out of my own hood.

I haven't even gone to my first appointment (it's tomororw) and I'm already thinking about buyers remorse and what might happen as soon as I plunk down what feels to me like a fortune on a down payment and closing costs. Scared to death is about how I've felt over the last two weeks that this has been brewing.

Frustrations

1. I KNOW I CAN BUY A NEW CONSTRUCTION HOME IN SOME PARTS OF THE COUNTRY FOR WHAT I'LL BE PAYING FOR A 2 BEDROOM CONDO. I've been there, I've been house shopping, I know it to be true. However, I don't want to live in Augusta GA so I'll suck it up and buy where I'm perfectly happy.

2. After HOA dues and property taxes I'm looking about $20k less than I had thought I'd be able to afford.

3. Two of my top picks I had to drop like hot potatoes becuase my agent found out that there were pending lawsuits and other messy stuff that I won't even think about getting involved in.

4. The reality of living on a budget and not dipping into savings when I want to run away to Hawaii or where ever sucks.

All for now. We'll see if something "perfect" comes up for me or not.

Two things today...boobies and honesty

2009-11-06T10:06:00.000-08:00

The Girls

First, I want to put it out there for all, maybe I can reassure someone at some point down the line. Mammograms are not as bad as rumored. Yes, it was uncomfortable but not painful as I have heard it described by some. Don't let the rumors stop you from getting your on a regular basis when the time comes. I typically wouldn't have one yet, but because of my mom it's time for me to start. The picture pretty much sums it up, see...not scary at all. Took maybe 4 minutes total, tops.

If I can't be honest with myself....

Crazy that I even hesitated to put my feeling into words because I didn't want to go back on something I wrote in a previous post. Really? Lame SS, just lame. I want this to be partially a journal for myself, I need to be honest with myself. Like the computer is going to be disappointed in me? I hate that word; dissapoint. Hate to feel it, hate others to feel it about me. (that's another blog topic)

After the big revelation about putting the relationship to rest and feeling better when not in contact with the the Ex. Yeah, I heard from him and have been talking to him all week. He contacted me to let me know he had made it safely to his new duty station overseas and give me his contact info. There is a difference this time, at least it feels like it so far. I think my big revelation left me more at peace with letting go and moving on. So RIP to the relationship the way it was, there is still a relationship but I feel different about it now… no expectations, and to me that means no disappointments. I know it will be more difficult staying in contact with him and at some point it will have to come to an end. I can't imagine dating someone new and them being OK with "Oh but he's deployed and I'm just being supportive" when it comes to the man I thought I was going to marry.

I use it as an excuse or as a reason to justify to myself that what I'm doing isn't "bad" for me. I swear I'm saving myself from feeling bad down the line because "I just couldn't live with myself not talking to him knowing that he is getting ready to deploy." It's coming very soon and right now I don't feel like I can do anything but be supportive, as a friend.

It gets complicated. Talking to him this morning he told me he wanted me to start wearing his ring again. He mentioned it when I went to see him in San Antonio, looked at my hand "where is your ring?" All I could say is "that's not what we are anymore". I wish I had emotion switch to just flick off when necessary (or would that make me a sociopath?...so never mind on that wish)

So self, I'm being honest. Not trying to hide it and act like I've got some superpower to stick to what I've previously expressed or thought. It's OK. It's my feelings, they can be confusing and I don't always know what's best for me. I've decided to not beat myself up over it. It is what it is, that's how I feel, it's authentic.

Make it three things

I would be remiss in not expressing my sincere thoughts and prayers for affected by the tragic events at Ft. Hood.

I am not a morning person

2009-11-03T11:50:00.000-08:00

It is a pretty well known part of my personality. I.am.not.a.morning.person. I hate being scared out of sleep by an alarm clock. I do not pop out of bed ready to tackle the world. I'm slow. I hit snooze more than 2 times. I'm groggy and take a long time to really be awake and functioning.

I laugh now but I'm sure you can imagine the bone of contention this was while in my relationship with a career army, former Drill Sgt, I'm-a-machine-need-little-sleep man. I bring this up now because the reaction when he heard that I'm now faithfully getting up at 5:30 for my cat was priceless.

Anyway, I now have a loved pet that is diabetic and needs an insulin shot at 6am. This has me waking up at 5:30, a good hour and a half earlier than I need to get up for work. *sigh* ::grumble:: *yawn* Yes, I'm worried that one morning I'm going to give the wrong dose, stab my cat somewhere that I shouldn't, stab myself, put the insulin in the freezer instead of the fridge... basically something bad.

When this started two weeks ago and about two days in I realized that trying to go back to sleep for an hour wasn't going to happen, I swore that I was going to make it productive time.

The big plan was to stay up and do one of the core workouts that I can get via On Demand Fitness TV. Still taking baby steps but today I was productive! I put away the dishes, I did 5 minutes of a 20 minute video (I said baby steps), I browsed some other video possibilities, read emails, did some more feline diabetes research and watched some news.

Here is the big one... get this. Yesterday, I actually jumped at the chance to take a 6:50 mammogram appointment. WTF is that all about? I kind of got off on it too. The lady says "Oh we can get you in on Friday but it's a 6:50. "I'll take it! Perfect" I had to kind of look around the room & check over my shoulder to see who it was that just responded. Dude, I'm getting my boobs mashed between glass prior to 7am on Friday. *blink* *blink* That will be a whole 'nuther post because I do intend to share. Friends have already asked me to take lots of mental notes and share because none of them are at an age or circumstance that getting a mammo before age 40 is really going to happen.

Oh, and side note. After some months of blogging, I've kind of felt how I want to settle into this so working on a new layout and title etc. I love playing around with the HTML stuff so that will be fun.

Later!

Aparently I'm a follower

2009-10-29T11:12:00.000-07:00

I did, I sure did go buy something after I saw it on the Oprah show.

Cut me some slack, it is jeans after all and who wouldn't do just about anything to find great jeans that fit your body?

I struggled to be OK with rushing to order one of the "Oprah loves" products (don't get me wrong, I really do like Oprah but not in that cult like way). I struggled with buying jeans put out there by an athlete's wife... that seemed just a little on the gimmicky side.

OH MY GOD I'M SO GLAD I DID IT.

I'm not fat, but I do have me some coke bottle curves and hal-leh-lu-yer I found some jeans to fit comfortably cute w/o exposing crack or looking like mom jeans.

Thank you Cookie Johnson for your jeans. Yes, you heard it, Magic Johnson's wife makes some fabulous jeans.

CJ by Cookie Johnson
"Faith" straight leg stretch - dark wash

My very first pair of straight leg jeans that fit and cover my boo-tay and look HOT with my 4" heels!!

Really...who does this?

2009-10-26T13:08:00.000-07:00

Who sits and massages their girl's feet during a movie in a crowded PUBLIC movie theater?

As if it wasn't bad enough that before she even pushed past us in the aisle she dropped her gallon soda on the floor, cussed and then just left the lake-o-coke with not even the consideration of informing someone that could clean it up.

What is that strange noise I hear? No... it can't be. Those are not feet on a lap being massaged and just a couple of inches from my elbow.

On the couch at home; sweet and adorable. In a public theater; keep your complete stranger nasty azz feet to yourself.

Here is the funny part. For whatever reason I would have been less offended if they had been messing around a little than I was by her feet right there next to me.

I had one of those weekends were I noticed all over the place how completely inconsiderate folks can be. And we wonder why kids act that way with these shining examples.

Sugar Cat

2009-10-22T14:46:00.000-07:00

Found out this morning that my little stank cat is diabetic.

I knew it was a possible diagnosis when I took him to the vet this morning. The visit was prompted by his sudden increase in water consumption. She started with a quick glucose test and *bingo* we have a diagnosis.

So today, I got to learn all about giving my cat insulin shots and the changes I have to make to his diet.

This will be an interesting schedule challenge. They have to be 12 hours apart and given at the same time every day. Hmmmmm. No running to the gym right after work. No long weekend days out and about. No sleeping in (hello 6am insulin shot). Thanksgiving out of town, not going to happen.

It will be a huge change for me but I am soooo glad that it is something treatable and I will make it work.

This makes me realize, as much as I've been feeling lost and without direction or a current big project or goal I'm working on. Maybe it was meant to be like that right now. How would I have managed this medication schedule when I was working 8-5 then off to school from 6-10pm? I'm kind of thinking I wasn't meant to do anything right now so I could be better equipped to take on this schedule for my pet's treatment.

Wish me luck with the first shot tonight. I did practice in the office with saline, but still... this will be interesting.

My thoughts... are those my thoughts?

2009-10-21T08:57:00.000-07:00

I do this over and over. I have a day when I'm feeling not so together and I write down my thoughts. Then the next day I read what I wrote and I think "who was that?".

Isn't that the whole point of this for me, right? Get things out, write things down so I can see where I have been, how I've processed things and have reminders of how I was able to handle whatever was going on in my life at a given time....good, bad and ugly.

I asked a friend this morning if she ever wrote down what was going thru her head when she was having a rough patch. She said that yes she has done that but she "sounded like a crazy person" so she stopped. That is how I feel.

I've always had a hard time translating the thoughts and feelings that are in my head into the right words or into well put prose so they come out exactly how they are floating in my head.

Because this is a public forum, after a scattered thought/having a rough day post, I feel compelled to post about all the things in my life that I do appreciate, love, cherish and am grateful for. God forbid that someone read what I just wrote the day before and not realize that there is more to me than being a grown woman who feels a lot lost right now. It might just be a good for ME too. I have never completely lost sight of all the good things in my life, I just need to pull them back up as the main focus.

APB: Have you seen my Happy?

2009-10-20T11:10:00.000-07:00

You may not want to read this: This is a major "note to self" random questions while I'm trying to figure out WTF is going on in my head kind of post, so nothing too informative or interesting for most.

I have flat out forgotten what makes me happy.

How the hell did this happen? How did I end up someone who only has happy moments but has completely lost track of overall joyful life, feeling passion, when I'm feeling blue I can do (choose from the things that make me happy list) and it make me feel better, down to my core happy peaceful state of mind.

I'm afraid that my brain has had too much time dealing with loss and tragic stuff over the last couple of years that it's been permanently rewired to operate in this mode.

I can't fucking figure out who I am and what will get me out of this state of mind.

Gawd, this is so frustrating. This isn't me, this isn't who I am.

Or have I been tricking myself? I didn't think I was dependent on outside things/relationships to define who I was and what my life was about.... but wholly shit, a lot of external things/relationships went bye bye and now I'm standing here with this blank look on my face, big blinking eyes full of confusion and I don't know what direction to go. Without that outside stuff helping to guide my decisions and helping me pick my direction I'm like a little lost kid.

Reality check
I had one major thing I had been holding on to as my "happy" and hope in life and it's gone too. I've spent the last 6 months really struggling to find my way without it. I've been trying really hard at parts of it. The other part I think I've been self sabotaging. I've been trying to hold on to that last realtionship like it was some kind of life preserver. And who doesn't reach out for that life preserver when it's thrown their way? It's felt like a break in the struggle, a temporary relief. Every time I've grabbed it, I know it's only temporary relief. Why do I do it? I know I can swim (sticking with the analogy), in fact I'm a strong swimmer. One thing is missing... I can't see the land and I don't know what direction to swim!

Who ever knew that having this huge blank slate of a life would be so overwhelming? I can write my story from here on out how I choose, I don't have anybody's rules (I said rules, not laws) to live by, nobody with any expectations of me, nobody dependant on me. This should be feeling carefree and like some big fat opportunity to do whatever I want, but I don't know what I want and it's really rather overwhelming.

Be careful what you wish for

2009-10-14T11:15:00.000-07:00

So why is it that when I get what I claimed I wanted... I'm mildly upset by it?

Twisted.

You know, you want to move on and then you don't get a phone call that you just "knew" would be made.....and you feel all hurt by it. One of those. Let me stop beating my head against this brick wall and in the long run I will feel aOK. Note to self: Remember the repercussions of answering phone calls from the Ex.

On another note....odds are looking good for the ladies that are in the giveaway! Sometime tomorrow I'll do a random number thing and let you all know who won.

Granny!?! my ears are burning

2009-10-13T10:43:00.000-07:00

Out of the mouth of Granny…

Me: I don’t feel like putting on makeup today before our errands. I wish there wasn’t such a difference between how I look with and without makeup. I’d love to get the reaction ‘Wow, she looks great and no makeup’

Gran (1/2 under her breath) Yeah… ‘I could wake up to that in the morning’ is more like it.

Me: Granny!

Gran: Oh, after you are married of course.

A little reminder that my Granny actually had a life before being my Granny.

She really is too cute

She is spry but due to her eyesight dwindling she has a disabled parking pass. We only use it when really necessary but Gran puts on an act when we do. She’ll get out of the car and grab on to my arm and we walk really slow. The minute we hit the front door of the establishment, she drops the arm and off she goes in her Nike sneakers and her GAP jeans.

I love the fact that she keeps her older wig as her “house wig” to put on first thing in the AM or when there is company in the house she’ll sleep with it on. It’s hilarious to see her napping with her wig slipping ½ way off the back of her head. Wake her up, she adjusts the wig and all is good.

Good times

I love time with my family. I've been feeling rather alone (kind of orphaned) lately and a weekend with my Granny is exactly what the doctor ordered.

I have a very special relationship with my Gran. My mom had me when she was very young and we ended up living with my Gran and Gramps until my mom finished college. I think I was in 1st grade when we moved to our first apartment. My Gran was the one that was home watching me during the day while my mom was at school and work. The little lady really is my 2nd mother and boy how glad I am that I still have her in my life.

It is really sweet how she has upped her game since my mom passed. I think she feels it’s her duty to look after “Colleen’s little girl”. She pulled out all the stops and for two days asked me question after question when I told her I was taking a trip to Hawaii with the Ex. It was very dramatic at times, Granny grabbing the remote and turning off the TV, “I have some more questions for you.” She always asks me if I have “pocket money” and as soon as I leave town asks me if I’m on my way back yet. *loves loves loves*

Today I booked my ticket for Thanksgiving. Can’t wait.

Nerd Girl P*rn

2009-10-11T09:00:00.000-07:00

So it might not be my exact choice for hot guys, but not bad. I think I love the name of this post at The Frisky most of all.

Nerd Girl Porn: Hot Guys Playing Golf

Should I make it my life's ambition to compile my own collection of hot guys playing golf? I've already got one under my belt.

Recharge

2009-10-09T19:00:00.000-07:00

Off for a much needed weekend with my family. *exhale*

Can't wait to get my hands on my little Granny.

Looking forward to:

An evening of playing cards and the wonderful sarcastic smartass humor of my family that makes me feel right at home.

Trip thru Costco with Granny and watching in amazement as the little thing puts down an entire Costco hotdog and then asks, "What's for dessert?"

Bringing home the last of the veggies that Granny has harvested from the garden. We're down to a few cucumbers and some overgrown geen beans that she sends home for my cat. (yes, he loves green beans)

Taking flowers to my mama.

A memory bank full of funny Granny comments. Kids and 90 year olds say the darndest things.

Rumor has it there may be an early birthday celebration in the works as well. yay.

The woman that made it all happen

2009-10-09T08:42:00.000-07:00

It was two years ago today that my beautiful mother lost her hard fought battle with breast cancer.

She was the best woman I could have asked for to guide me thru the 35 years that I had the pleasure to be her “Kiddo”.

I could say that this day two years ago was the most defining moment in my life, however, it was really the entire year and 9 months from diagnosis to her passing. I not only learned more about who she was as a woman, I was taught and learned more about myself as an adult woman. From her I received all the strength and guidance any daughter could ask for.

We miss you, we love you. You mean more to me and our family than words can ever express.

An example of her beautiful attitude even thru chemo.

And this one just because I think it is freakin hilarious and made me giggle to no end when I came across it recently. Nothing like a good 80’s Thanksgiving throwback pic….that’s my mama! Gotta love her. ( I really hope this was a set up and she wasn't really going to town on a turkey leg like that!)

Surprise Surprise....

2009-10-05T12:42:00.000-07:00

Well not really.

Just as I predicted (of course didn't say it out loud incase I was wrong) I heard from the Ex over the weekend. I was expecting to hear from him sometime between finishing his last training class and leaving for overseas. I didn't expect the call to come so quickly.

I knew at some point (just as I was getting use to the idea of not having conversations with him) I'd hear from him. I knew he wouldn't leave without testing the waters to see if I'm considered "a friend" and if he still has some sort of connection with me.

All along I told myself that I wouldn't answer when he called. *I've heard that before*

I was out at the driving range on a beautiful Sunday morning swinging away and the phone rang. I took a look. I could have ignored the call. I didn't. *again, doesn't this sound familiar* Talking to me like normal, like the last conversation we had wasn't in an airport with me crying my eyes out as we said goodbye, the final goodbye to our relationship and the final goodbye before he leaves overseas.

I didn't have to answer... but I couldn't help it. I think I was afraid of how I'd feel if I didn't talk to him again or cut off our communication before he deploys.

One phone call and here I go all over again trying to let go.

My freakin shots went to shit too.

Oh my EFF are you kidding me? Monkey babies?

2009-10-04T09:01:00.000-07:00

What is wrong with TLC?

My Monkey Baby

Is this really a TV show?

I was so weirded out by the preview I know it's not even one of those things I'll watch to satisfy my freak curiosity.

I'm so confused. So are they.

The cutest little tshirt collection I don't have updated

2009-10-02T11:00:00.000-07:00

**wholly awesome for a Friday update**

I did go to order the Nerdy tshirt and when checking out they said I get a free gift and gave about 5 different shirts to choose from so I will now own this little gem as well. *i'm dying* Yes, I am 12.

**********************************************
TtothaGtothaIF!!

Inspired by a cute little tshirt in this post by Melissa at New Girl on Post I decided to take a look at my little collection of "cute little tshirts i've never purchased". They really are too cute.

This grouping is all from David & Goliath... they really make a soft comfy tshirt.

Swearing that by the end of the day today I am going to order "Talk Nerdy".

When I'm feeling a ~~fuckingangryandbitter~~ out of sorts these lift my spirits

So I can read at a later date

2009-10-01T10:08:00.000-07:00

Writing a reminder to myself that the sad spurts or feeling lonely are temporary and if I just remember to use my tools it's way manageable.

NOTE TO SELF: Remember that feeling blue is not permanent and it's a completely normal part of coping with loss. You have the tools to manage it, let it out in pieces and the end is near.

I think this will apply across the board at various times in my life for various challenging events; tackled correctly it's manageable. Might hurt, probably sucks, most likely stressful, but it can be handled.

Big accomplishment over the weekend. I got those boxes of memories, memorabilia, trinkets and what not out of my house and into storage. Wow. What a refreshing feeling to have hallways not lined with items for Goodwill and to have a dining room that isn't filled with boxes and old furniture. A.W.E.S.O.M.E

I planned to give myself time each evening to sit and reflect and be sad about the sad things, cry if needed. Guess what, I didn't even need it for the first two days. I really didn't need it but once or twice and the tears came and went, not while driving to work, not while sitting at my desk or at the "wrong" time. It made me feel like I wasn't out of control. A.W.E.S.O.M.E #2

I've been thinking bout what kind of class to take, so that part of my to do list is still in progress but I'm looking forward to having something on the agenda. I'm thinking some cooking classes.

Control

Moi? Needing control? No way.....

When I've been hit with these patches of grief and sadness my own fears turn into anxiety and make it worse. I never thought of myself as having anxiety "issues". I'm not high strung, pretty mellow actually. I kept hearing my counselor talking about how my fear of the unknown or fear of not being able to control the grief process was a big source of my anxiety. *?* "But I don't feel like I have anxiety". So I'm not a visible walking bundle of nerves. I internalize it. When it does happen, like when I start to feel I'm in a weepy phase and get scared I won't pull out and end up in some dark hole of depression (yeah that's really how I feel and it scares me to death), that fear feeds anxiety and just spirals the whole process.

The distractions so I don't sit there in my own head and think too much, combined with scheduling down times for me to go thru the sadness sooth me. It gives me a feeling of being in control over what is happening and how I'm feeling. I like it. It makes it feel manageable. A.W.E.S.O.M.E #3.

This all has been a completely new experience for me. As I have mentioned before, I've been very blessed in life to not have had to tackle hardships or much loss up until this point. Learning how to manage all of this has been very empowering.

Excuses

2009-09-30T15:14:00.000-07:00

I don't understand how one person can have so many damn excuses…. excuses for every effing thing in the universe. Excuses that prevent them from having to take any kind of hard look at their own decisions and responsibility for whatever circumstance the excuses are for this time.

Never mind that tens of thousands of people out there in the exact same circumstances that do make whatever the situation it is happen. They have been dealt the same deck of cards and many of them are able to handle their business, so how is it an excuse for you not to?

Oh and it gets better, this person also has the nerve to complain about others who do the same damn thing that they do.... and not even a twinge of recognition that they do the exact same thing.

Grow the eff up. Stop being a victim.

*grrrr*

Back in the days when I was young I'm not a kid anymore ...

2009-09-29T15:48:00.000-07:00

(FYI... love that song)

Looking thru some boxes from my mom's house I came across a ton of childhood memories that had been stored away in the back of my brain somewhere. It was awesome. Then today a girlfriend started to tell us how she came across some books she had loved as a kid and one thing lead to another and we've spent a good part of the day (on breaks and lunch of course) discussing our favorites from when we were kids.

There were a lot of the obvious, but here are some of mine that were reaching a little further into the memory banks.

Sticker Books

Mine were actually kept by my mom and discovered over the weekend. Unicorns and rainbows were my favorites at the time. All carefully cut out and classified in their own category pages. The photo albums that housed them appropriately covered rainbow stripe fabric and ribbons.

Colorforms

I know I had more than one set... but Holly Hobby was the only one I could remember off the top of my head. At the time I thought I was all fancy and more sophisticated than paper dolls. Who knew? They also made the "sewing cards".

Game

Oh how I longed for this game.... I made sure that it was the ONLY thing that I told my Auntie that I wanted for Christmas. She was the one that was good for getting you exactly what you said you wanted, but I didn't want to mess up my chances by giving her any options.

Fashion Plates & Flip n' Fold Fashions

I had totally forgot about the Flip n' Fold fashions. I was super jealous of my cousin owning this one. It was a little tricky to get the fabric just so and I think there might have been some uncontrolled giggle fests surrounding an exposed plastic boob in one daring fashion experiment.

Books

None of my friends knew of, let alone read, Old Mother West Wind books by Thornton Burgess. It took me forever to even figure out the name. I knew they were stories that had to do with animals but the only suggestions that ever came up were "Wind in the Willows" or "Frog & Toad" and I knew those weren't it. Thanks to my BFF and her hubby for coming up with the answer. Then to find out that these are *like* ancient writings. Great kids books, I would get lost in the stories.

One of my absolute fav books of all, which is really nothing like the current movie; Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs. Oh the visuals I had when reading this book!

P.S. I think it is a crock of shit that most of these pictures came from web sites advertising "antiques". Kiss my not so old to be an antique booty! Exception being the series of books that were written in the early 1900's, those get an obvious pass.

Go Little Man Go! peeing w/ bonus GIVEAWAY advertising

2009-09-25T09:57:00.000-07:00

What a perfect TGIF post. This is too good ... you've got to watch.

I will go thru the rest of my friday with a big happy smile on my face, I can already hear the sound of the golf balls I will be hitting this evening, I've got a stack of books for the "in front of the fire" reading that is coming up as the weather gets cooler and my new mattress will delivery on Tuesday! It's a good day.

GIVEAWAY

And to top off a Friday.... The. Mrs at Trying Our Best has posted a Giveaway(check it out here) ! We all love a good book, and if you haven't already go check it out, enojoy the blog and comment to win while your at it!

The Trials of the Honorable F. Darcy

I'm sorry, but I've got to say it....

2009-09-24T14:37:00.000-07:00

These two headlines today make my vajayjay nervous:
"Whoa, baby! Woman delivers 19lb baby boy"
"Woman gets pregnant twice...not twins"

And this one? Nice, I guess in the land of Starbucks coffee pimps were to be expected? Let me not even get started on the coffee stand down the street that advertises bikini baristas as "sexy young girls" "how may we serve you" and "cream with your coffee?":
"Bikini baristas accused of prostitution"

My Blessings

2009-09-23T09:46:00.000-07:00

I see a pattern. After I talk about feeling bad, I then want to make sure everyone (blog, "the universe", God) knows that there is more than weepy feelings and loss in my life. I do have good things in my life as well and I do appreciate the heck out of them.

First and foremost I am blessed with my life. I had an accident over the summer and it was an honest to God blessing that I was not seriously injured, or worse.

I am healthy.

I have friends & family that would do anything for me.

I had 35 years with the best mother I could have ever hoped for.

It can hurt like a SOB when & if it ends, but I am happy to say I know what it feel like to love and be loved. It didn't work out in the end, but my last relationship was an amazing relationship while it lasted. I felt loved. I was adored and treated like I should be. I am grateful for that. If I hadn't experienced feeling loved in a healthy relationship, I think I'd be prone to continue to settle for less in my future relationships.

I have a job that is currently stable.

After years of juggling working full time & school I GRATUATED last spring!

I have discovered that I am resilient. I feel that I have strengths and the skills (or at least I know who to talk to for help) to tackle just about anything that life is going to throw my way.

Yes, I'm having a bit of a tough time right now with certain events and emotions but that in no way means I don't appreciate and see the positive in my life. Life isn't black & white; it doesn't have to be all one or all the other. It's one big mixed up ball of unexpected twists and turns!

This is who I am.... good, bad, sad, happy, angry, joyful... all rolled into one.

New tools for the box

2009-09-22T17:03:00.000-07:00

OK,so that sounds a little more suggestive than it should. But that's not a bad ider either. *ummmmm*

I needed my counselor to tell me that my weepy mood as of late is normal. I'm scared to death of getting stuck in that weepy place so some stress and anxiety are immediately taken away when I'm told it is normal and will pass. Still feels sucky in the mean time, but I know it will go away again just like it did last spring.

I don't like to hear about or face how much loss and trauma I've gone thru in such a short period of time. I want to act like it's no big thing, water off a ducks back.   I feel a bit guilty even saying I'm having a tough time when there are people out there that have lost even more than I have.   I needed permission to feel bad. Crazy as that sounds.  I need someone to remind me that I am human and it does hurt and it's a lot to handle in a short period of time.  It is OK to acknowledge all that, no guilt necessary.

So here it is. I'm not whining. I'm not looking for pity. I'm not in a place of "poor me". I'm not feeling guilty. These are just the facts.

The last two years:
I lost my mom to breast cancer
I lost my dad (step-dad of 24 years) to his own grief
I lost my family as I knew it (we do seem to be pulling ourselves back together. thank god)
I lost my love
I lost the life I thought I was heading toward
And while all this was going on, lets throw in being involved in a fatality car accident this summer.

I'm going to feel lost. I'm going to be sad. I feel like I have no control. I'm desperate for control.  I can't control any of those things that happened, I just need to figure out a way to process it and deal with it at it comes.

I have some new tools to work with. We worked out an approach so I can feel like I have some control while at the same time allowing my feelings to come out and deal with them as they do. Structure is good for me right now, that helps to self sooth, satisfies that need for control. Within that structure I give myself time each day for the weepys, the sad, whatever it is that needs to get out.   I don't need to figure out and recreate my entire life and goals and the path I want to take right this minute. As much as I want to feel that level of control it's unrealistic and actually rather overwhelming to try and get a grasp on all at once. Those options and opportunities will be there in a few weeks after I've gone thru this rough patch.

So the tools for right now are:

Structure with time given daily to go thru the emotions
Finding a class or hobby that has to do with creativity and tapping into that side of my brain
Reclaiming my house and making it my comfort zone again. It is currently filled with boxes of my mom's possessions and a sorting project that is just too overwhelming right now. That all is going to a storage locker until I feel I want to tackle it.
Movies. Yes! Movies. Funny ones. Something to get me out of my own head space and focusing on someone elses story.
Celebrate my life... aka my birthday.

Time for a nap.

Hum Drums

2009-09-21T10:34:00.000-07:00

I'm kind of all over the place these last few months. One week I'm excited and feeling like my old self, optimistic and a "go get 'em" attitude then I start feeling lost again.

Time to go in to the counselor for a tune up! Maybe she can help me figure out what it is.

I'm thinking part of it is going thru the get-over-let-go-move-on process again after the final closure weekend with the Ex. This is the time of year we met and as it's a transition time with the weather and daylight hours and all of that it reminds me of our first dates when he was still living here. I still miss all those thoughts. He is at his last set of training before he moves overseas. It's been three week since I saw him and haven't talked to him since so I'm going thru that phase where it feels really strange not knowing what he's doing or hearing about his training and travels. Yes, I'll admit I don't help things when I take a look online to see what the weather is like where he is at.

Another part is we're approaching the anniversary of my mother's passing. October 9th will be two years since we lost her. I do remember feeling the blues this same time last year so this one is pretty obvious.

But last year I was part of a team. I need to make that transition back to being me on my own. It was really the first time in my life that I had ever opened up in a realtionship and let myself truely lean on someone... count on that man to get me thru when I was feeling weak, and actually letting him see those moments when I wasn't feeling like the strong one. I liked it. This transition back is harder than I thought it would be.

It will be interesting to see if I'm on track or if the counselor brings up somethign else I've been missing. I know I've said it before but seeing her really is the best decision I've made in a very long time.

Travel blues...

2009-09-16T08:29:00.000-07:00

Why oh why am I being taunted by weekly emails telling me how great the prices are on flights to Hawaii?

OK, so yeah, I did sign up for the email alerts... I'm just sayin'.

It's very hard not to say an early "Happy Birthday to Me" and book a flight. Oh how I luv Hawaii. *sigh*

Project ME!

2009-09-15T20:32:00.000-07:00

Forget holding on, forget being sad over things that didn't happen, forget sitting around and feeling like life is just happening to me. I'm really done feeling like that.

The 3.5 years have been one change after another. Some have been good, some have been bad and the last 6 months have really been packed!

I'm going to try and spin this into the positive. I know there will always be tough/sad times in life, but right now I'm turning all that ish into somewhat of a clean slate.

I feel like I have been living my life to please other people. That's just a function of how I grew up... do good, make mom/grandma/family/man proud, get praise, etc etc. etc. I need to revisit the question, "Who am I being good for?" or rather "Who am I living for?" and the answer has got to be a resounding "ME!" Yes, I do thinkg here and there to make myself happy, but this is going to be bigger picture stuff. I need to find my own motivation for accomplishing goals and making my mark in the world. It need not matter if my mom or anyone else is there to say she is proud or uphold a set of rules and expectations for me. I need to be able to do that on my own, to please myself not because that is what mom, dad, granny, friend, or man in my life expects.

I'm a little intimidated because this is new. I've done well in my life but never truly just to please myself. Scary because I think I have higher expectations for myself than anyone else ever could, maybe that's why it was easier to do things to meet their expectations rather than my own. Good lord, what could be worse than disappointing myself? That would suck.

Adding to my description

I have another word to add to my description: AUTHENTIC.

That is how I want to be in all relationships. I've really been evaluating my relationship with the Ex to learn from it. I realized there were a lot of times that I wasn't being the 100% real deal me. I'm all about learning and growing in a relationship but there were times that I was trying to change my personality that weren't about growth, they were about editing who I am. I didn't hide or edit the really important things... I wasn't being a fake person, but I wasn't being authentic. I sometimes felt like a child does with their parent, you want to do well, you want their approval, you don't want to disappoint. Things about me that I knew weren't his "ideal" I would try to minimize. Things like, oh... my sarcasms and potty mouth. Those are the two biggies that I can think of. Do you realize how hard it is to hide sarcasm? I mean, until someone who doesn't care for it starts pointing out how often things come out of your mouth with a sarcastic twist you don't realize how much that really is ingrained into your personality. I'll admit, there were times when I'd say something and not at all intend for it to be sarcastic and it was coming out that way. That was helpful, to be mindful of "tone" so I don't come across sarcastic when that's not what I intend. But let’s be honest here, most of the time I do intend to be sarcastic... that is the AUTHENTIC me.

So I'm expanding that to all aspects of me and my relationships. It is just too tiring trying to edit myself in any relationship.

So here I go

To new beginnings, learning, living, adventures and more words to add to my description! Oh... hopefully some love too! ;-)

Letting go and recreating

2009-09-11T10:38:00.000-07:00

I'm having a hard time letting go. I can't seem to let go of my "old life" and get moving in a new direction.

Over the last two years I've had to mourn the loss of some very important people and family structures. I lost my mom to breast cancer, I lost my dad to his grief, I lost the family structure as I had known it, and I lost my partner and love of my life (so I thought) to heartache.

There is an unexpected aftermath to all this. Now I find myself mourning the loss of something that hadn’t even happened yet… parts of my life. I hadn’t been able to put my finger on exactly what it was and with the help of the wonderful counselor it was pin pointed. It’s the intangibles, some of them fresher than others. The thoughts of my mom not being around to see my children and be that wonderful grandma that she would be, my dad not being the person I thought he would be in my life and preparing that I might not ever get him back, and the changes associated with the ending of the relationship.

I usually welcome change. I get bored and feel stagnant when there aren’t some changes up in the mix every couple of years but this feels different. I’ve felt overwhelmed, then eased into feeling settled again and then *bam* another hit. I was wrapping my head around how different life would be with my mom gone, but I also had a new life I was creating with the Ex. That gave me some focus. I put a lot of thought into how different life would be with him being in the military. We talked about it quite a lot, both of us wanting to make sure that I was prepared and going into this with open eyes. I had wrapped my head around the idea and committed to it. Then that all flew out the window too.

It’s been hard for me to just change gears. Plugging along and then “Oh shit, what do I do now?” The time it took me to settle into this new life, it feels like it’s going to take me just as long to let go and work on another new life. I’m not that patient!

My life has had major changes and needs reconstruction. I want to embrace this as an opportunity to recreate. I’ve been trying, I really have. I’ve taken on some new hobbies, I’ve gotten back into taking care of me with my fitness and diet and I’ve given myself permission to really be my own woman and write my own rules for my life. BUT (of course there is a but) I’m still feeling lost.

I’m holding on to the thoughts of what I no longer have. It’s harder than I thought to transition back, start on a new plan, and get moving on the implementation.

Why is it so hard to let go of a part of your life that didn’t even get the chance to materialize?

Luck o' the Norsk

2009-09-10T10:07:00.000-07:00

It's about dang time. There was some good luck for me this week. This was pure good luck, not the "I walked away from a horrific accident alive" kind of luck that I had earlier in the summer. *man above if you are listening* Not that I would trade that kind of Guardian Angel luck for anything, I'm just saying that random all positive good luck feels great!

Wal-Mart trip that ended well

Mama hit a progressive JACKPOT on penny slot machines!!!!! I really do like to gamble and fortunately for me I don't have too much of an addictive type of personality so keep it to some outings with the girls/family a handful of times a year. It started with a trip to WalMart. There isn't one close to where I live so it's a bit of a drive....but it was a nice evening and I didn't really feel like sitting at home (or going to the gym) so I decided to go up to Wally World to get some things and knock out grocery shopping as well. So happens that WM is about 1/2 a mile away from a nice big casino. I was done shopping and still didn't feel like heading home so I decided to take the $50 in my wallet and go in and have a cocktail and play some slots. B.I.N.G.O. I think all the funny feelings about going to the casino alone flew out the window when I won big.

Treat

So after replenishing the savings account (depleted from having to buy a new car) I treated myself to MY NEW SET OF GOLF CLUBS. My first set ever. Because of the car purchase I was going to wait to buy them until next spring but I just couldn't wait any longer. The weather her has been horrible so I didn't get to play over the weekend but last night I hit the driving range and felt like an official golfer with my own clubs.

Drama, heart ache, feeling a bit ungrounded all aside. Life is feeling pretty good this week. *woot*

A change is brewin....

2009-09-02T16:46:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went back and read all my blog entries. That was interesting. Not that I'm all that far away from when I started... it was just a litle trip down short term memory lane.

Interesting that I signed a pissed off letter to my Ex "TheWomanYouCan'tGetBack" and although it was up in the air for a minute, I was right.

I've been pretty random in my blogging. I read blogs that seem to have some sort of consistency to the posts and mine has none of that. Sometimes it is a journal, sometimes I'm posting things and talking to people that really aren't there (like I have a lot of readers! But thank you to the few that I know do read!!), sometimes it's just because I'm feeling dorky about something and want to share... and I like to do stuff on the computer anyway.

I remember settling on the name "Under Construction" becuase I had no clue what else to use and I had no clue what form my blog was going to take. Funny how it still hasn't really taken much form at all, maybe once I start dating again I'll have some direction. *oh yay... not*

I don't feel that name fits anymore. Under Construction is one of those temporary messages for unfinished web sites or roads that look like they lead to nowhere. Yeah, I'm still building my life but I don't like that name anymore. I've got some ideas so I predict in the near future I'll change things up a tiny bit.

If I keep this up I just imagine how it will feel to look back maybe over a year and reflect and be reminded of of my thoughs and what I was up to at the time. I've never been a journal writer but I'm starting to see more and more of the appeal.

Question: Where the hell is spell check? I managed to do something that changed up the post editor thingy and spell check went away. I may be good with numbers, but I super suck at spelling.

Ouch that hurt...

2009-09-01T11:04:00.000-07:00

Have you ever rubbed salt in your own wound? If not, I don't recommend it... apparently I couldn't help myself and gave it a try.

I said my final goodbye to the Ex this weekend. Let me correct that, I couldn't actually bring myself to say the words "good bye". With him leaving and shortly to deploy those words couldn't come out of my mouth, it sounded too final for me to feel comfortable saying.

The weekend was bitter sweet. We didn't talk about anything serious or our situaiton until the end. He did try to bring it up once and I brushed it off. We were enjoying a loverly day out at the lake and I just couldn't ruin that with a serious relationship conversation.

That was the salt. I was soaking in ever bit of good times we were having and that just made the parting worse. Even so, if I to do the weekend all over again I wouldn't have changed anything. We had fun times with dinner and drinks and a relaxing day out on the boat (*sniff* I'll miss her too!) AND I played my first 9 holes on a full blown golf course. Yup yup. Moved up from the driving range and Par 3 courses.

Anyway. The time came to get ready to go and I was so so so close to pulling my usual "try and avoid the pain at all costs" maneuver and give in to a compromise and relationship situation that I know would leave me feeling miserable and unfullfilled. But I didn't. I knew it was going to hurt and I dove in anyway. In this respect I feel that I've grown and in the long run this will be better for me. Kind of like ripping the band aid and getting it all over quickly rather than drawing things out over the next year and reaching the same conclusion.

I started the dreaded conversation, and it ended with us both coming to the conclusion that if things aren't solid between us now having a relationship with him overseas and deployed just isn't possible. His solution is that we "remain friends". *eyes rolling out of my head cross the floor out the door across the street...* Parts of it got a little icky. I told him what it was I had needed and wanted to hear to feel the reassurance from him that he was serious and really wanted us to be together..... inside I was damn near begging for him to turn around and say back to me the words that I just told him I needed to hear. He didn't. He went back to say things like "I told you when we started talking again what I wanted." Boy, that sure holds a lot of passion and really makes me feel like you want it. *not* I got accused of not being understanding regarding his circumstances and that me expecting him to have been able to come up with a weekend for us to talk prior to now just wasn't possible. *again not true*

OK, so sparing futher stooopid details about a conversation that is over and done with. We went in to the airport, got me checked in and stood at security with me crying my eyes out, him trying to wipe my tears, me not being able to say good bye and telling him to take care of himself, be safe and all of that.

It was the worst plane ride ever. Crazy lady with the not-so-cute puffy crying eyes and snotty nose walking thru the airports on her way home from the last visit she will have with the man she thought she was going to marry.

Suck x 100.

Gymgasim

2009-08-26T21:04:00.000-07:00

That is what happened to me today when I had weight and measurement evaluation with my trainer!
Since I started tracking... lost from my body are:

11lbs
1.5" each thigh
2" hips
4.5" waist (yup yup)
3/4" each upper arm
1" chest

Body fat reduced by 5%

I know this isn't earth shattering but rather slow and steady. This means that I'm back into my good habits. It's not a crunch to drop 10lbs in 3 weeks on a "diet" it's making the small adjustments that are the balance between me being healthy and not feeling at all deprived.

Little more work to go and that's all on my end, I have not been so good with my cardio and that's what I need to do to carve off a little more of the padding.

Only 10lbs to my fighting weight! woot woot

The Alamo & Unfinished Business

2009-08-21T11:23:00.001-07:00

Looks like I'm off to The Alamo to take care of some unfinished business.

Well, it was finished business that has since gotten complicated and became unfinished but you get what I'm sayin'?

Going to see The Ex for a weekend.

This all relates to The Ex and his change of heart and asking me to give him a second chance. Yeah, that started months ago and we're just now actually getting to a face to face. He'll try and say it's all because of the Army and the timing. I say that is only part of the issue and that he has had plenty of opportunity to make this happen before now. That is a huge part of why I think it is probably going to be a final good bye rather than the start of trying to put things back together.

He waited too long. With his upcoming overseas move whether or not there was even time to rebuild something strong enough to last thru that was already questionable (to me). And then he has waited, and waited, and waited to make this happen. He knew that I was open to the idea but I felt that there needed to be a face to face discussion before I could even make a decision and it didn't happen.

Am I being unreasonable and not understanding enough of what he's been going thru with his career, career path changes, the Army, the Army's penchant for changes, etc etc etc? I don't think so, but I'm not on that side of the fence. I do know that when we met and for the year and a half that we were together he was in the Army, he was and did start and complete the first year of his job, and all thru that he made sure that he made things happen between us, visits and the phone calls (even if just for 10 seconds to say hello) and text messages etc. So because of that, I feel that if he really wanted it he would have made it happen... because he has been able to make that happen before.

I haven't been thru a deployment, but I can only imagine the solid foundation and strength in the relationship that is needed for it to be successful. We HAD that, but then it was broken and I just don't know how that can even be fixed in time.

I guess regardless of it being because of circumstances outside of his control I don't think there is enough time left. It's about 7-8 weeks before he will leave for overseas, he's finishing up his current training in a couple of weeks then off to another state for another 3 weeks and then bye bye for a long time.

I wonder why I'm even going to see him? It has been a little over 4 months since we broke up and it is probably too late, but I feel that I just need to make sure. Seeing him, seeing if there is still a connection, seeing if this is something keep trying for is something I have to do. This was a man that made me feel loved like I never have before, this was a man that I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with... even with the heartbreak, I just have to make sure.